I've hit the f*@k it button........

WARNING EXTREME SWEARING

As the title of this post suggest's the hospital have failed me once again. The final final straw was they forgot my Herceptin (this is the wonder drug thats keeping me alive!) not a minor thing fairly major in my opinion this coupled with the fact that my CT scan was booked for June with results in July way way to long to wait and other stuff like lying to me they told me that I was one of 2 patients in Devon that received my drugs via health care at home and that it wasn't cost effective, this is a down and out lie as I talked to the nurses that used to come to the flat and give me my drugs they told me there were at least 25 patients. So the upshot is I've bitten the bullet and gone to my GP who is referring me to Taunton hospital, I've heard good things about this hospital and kept thinking about changing hospital but there always seemed to be some scan or other vital appointment looming on the horizon that kept me going to Derriford. My GP agreed that it just wasn't acceptable and as a result I have been left feeling like I've lost all confidence in my hospital. When its literally a matter of life or death you have to go with what feels right and Taunton definitely does feel right. Yes its a bit of a slog 100 miles to be exact but its got to be worth it to get top treatment. Taunton hospital is newer and has a brand new cancer clinic including cyber knife it goes without saying this makes it all the more attractive to someone with advanced breast cancer. Another plus is that as Taunton has the approval for delivering health care at home for sub-cut Herceptin I will be able to have it delivered to my door, crazy isn't it!!! I live out in the sticks and work from home also don't drive so its difficult for me to get to the main hospital and as I qualify for health care at home I would like to have it at home and not be fobbed off with a load of shite.

Been hopping mad about NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) (not so nice) decision to pull the life saving drug TDM1 (Kadcyla) therefore anyone who is not already receiving this drug like myself wont be able to apply to have it in the future. So if Herceptin fails me then there is nothing else I can try. To say I am mad angry and plain fucked off is an understatement. Again I ask why oh why do we bother raising funds via charities so they can use that money to develop drugs that they then wont give to us!!!!!! crackers huh!!!! The argument goes that it cost 90,000 per year to treat someone as the drugs company that developed it Roche charge a fortune for it, lets not forget that its us that has raised the cash in the first place for the wankers to develop it in the first fucking place. Also that it only gives 6 months of extended life. Bollocks in a nut shell this is a complete fabrication I personally know at least 5 women who are receiving this drug who have been on it at least 4-5 years and they are happy, healthy with minimum side effects more importantly they are alive!! so to say it only extends by 6 months is giving the general public the impression that its not worth spending all that money for such little amount of time. Absolute fuckers......I hope they all rot in hell........heaven forbid any of those that make these decisions might need the fucking drug...... So now I've got to hope and pray that Herceptin works for a very very long time otherwise I'm as good as dead........thanks NICE/Roche you fuckers......

Other news Mitzi (my mummy cat) has returned from her wanderings, it was beginning to look like we'd lost 2 cats in the space of a fortnight!! she came home last night at 1 in the morning with rabbit fleas on her ears and a tick on head of course we had to remove the critters before we could go to sleep, however all is forgiven just to have her home safe with us.

All in all a very bad week infact a hell of a month can't wait for sodding April to end. Here's to the 1st of May lets hope its a darn sight better than this bullshit.

Life goes on.....

We are still coming to terms with the tragic loss of our lovely Ted we also found out on the same day that one of my close friends mother had lost her battle with Myeloma Cancer we were dx at the same time 3 years ago and had built up a support network for each other both of us enjoying juicing and living life healthy then wallop she's gone, the chemo she had been on stopped working this coupled with a fall in the night where she broke her leg (she was 70) was the final straw and she was put in the hospice and never came out. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow and yet again I am reminded how fragile our existence really is. The weird thing was Christine was also an avid cat lover maybe Ted and Christine are together I know he's in good hands with her. Its so hard Teddy was such a character cat and loved the woodland garden. We walked down through bluebell wood this afternoon and it was stunning somehow it just didn't seem the same without Teddy he loved this time of year.

So, life moves on. Lee has booked up his training course for the offshore Rigging in May and will be away for a week and a half when he returns we will take the next step and see about getting him some offshore work for a 3 week period after which we will be able to afford to move which is what we both want now more than ever due to our recent loss.

I had an oncologist appointment to find out what the hell was going on with the 'something' on my Liver apparently the radiologist wont budge and continues to sit on the fence ie: he wont say whether or not it is cancer. So we are back in square one again and I'm to have yet another blasted CT scan in about 6 weeks time!!! because of the back log. I ask you this is so fucking out of order. I feel like giving up. Then I was asked about my migraines to which I replied yes still getting them infact they have increased last week I had 3 and so far I've woken every day this week with a migraine. Thanks to Sumatriptan I am able to function but its not good to wake daily with extreme nausea and a pounding headache so now they want to do an MRI scan on my head to determine if its cancer or just normal migraine stuff, like ya do!!! The only plus from the appointment was that she (registrar not onc) asked how I was doing on the Tamoxifen I decided as we were being honest and open that I would let rip about the shit. I told her about my aching joints and my massive weight gain nearly 4 stone! she agreed that the side effects were extreme (not everyone will react this way) and that weight gain was definitely a result of taking the drug, they have decided to re-check my blood and see if I am through the menopause if I am then they will take me off the dreaded Tamoxifen and replace with another AI that apparently does not cause weight gain although the joint pain might increase. I don't mind this as my joints are taking a bashing with all this excess weight that I've been carrying around. Bloody hope and pray I am through the menopause. It was left that I shall go back for results in July!! seems like a long flipping wait then! Going to see GP about changing hospital only trouble is I'm worried that if I do it now that things could be forgotten about during the transition, so not sure whether its bad timing to change at the moment.

I've been trying to paint but all this shit the deaths, the drugs, just general cancer shite doesn't inspire me to be creative. However I have managed to finish one painting and I've got some prints done so will drop off at a lovely gallery in Weston.

Will keep you posted as too the Liver and now the Head crap. xx

Grief

Some of you may know that  apart from living with breast cancer I also have another life one filled with normal everyday things, the things that make you feel like a human being like looking after a home, being in a relationship and having pets. My choice of pet was 2 cats although it started out as being given a young female cat named Mitzi at the age of 1 and a half. Shortly after we found out she was pregnant after much deliberation we decided to let her keep her kittens. It was hard for her moving to a new home, pregnant she was afraid and stressed out. On November the 1st 2008 she gave birth to 5 kittens, 1 tortoiseshell, blonde coloured twins, a grey stripped one and lastly the tiny bundle of fluff I would call Ted. Initially I couldn't choose which of the kittens we were going to keep but this podgy fluffy ball kept coming to me, he would lie on his back and let me tickle his tummy. We went through all the learning curves with him, using the litter tray, eating solid food and eventually letting him go out. From the first day of letting him go out I could tell he was in his element. Most cats like to go outdoors its natural for them to want to go out into the big wide world, for Ted this meant going out into our wonderful woodland garden with wide open fields, streams and rivers he was quite simply in his element. I realised that I there was no way I could of kept him prisoner in the flat. As the years went by he grew into a massive cat the size of a small dog in fact one of his best friends was a neighbours Jack Russell named Woody, they loved each other and would give each other a kiss and roll about together. He also had a few annoying habits like waking us up at some ungodly hour to let him out by walking all over us. He loved the dawn and I shared a fair few with him. My partner and my pets kept me going through the long hard slog of chemo and gave me something to live for. Breast cancer took away my chance to have children so my cats became my children or fur babies. Too some this may sound ridiculous "how can you replace children with cats!" but this is what I did, I didn't have a choice that was taken away from me the day I got dx with breast cancer.

I think you may be getting the picture that something has happened to my beloved Ted. After being missing for 9 days we eventually were informed of a dead cat that was in the bushes, it appears he was run down by a car. We are both broken hearted, the grief I am feeling is all consuming. I've written on facebook and phoned those who knew and loved him. I am in physical pain for the loss of Ted. I can't stop crying, keep feeling sick and actually want to shut my eyes and never open them again. I feel devastated the same sort of devastation that I was feeling on being dx with breast cancer. I can't even think of how I am going to re-build my life and keep thinking I want to join him in the after life, even considered stopping taking all my treatments. This may sound extreme but its how I feel and I have to get it out of my system. Sorry for anyone who is reading this I know its heartbreaking. Here's a link to a website that deals with pet grief for anyone else who is suffering http://www.livingwithpetbereavement.com/grieving.htm

Me and Ted when he was a little kitten

Ted and his favourite toy squid

Ted playing in the leaves

RIP Ted we love and miss you so very much.xxxx