Unexpected....good...bad....

So getting cancer was totally unexpected, getting secondary breast cancer was also off the radar, getting a near brand new imac just when my other mac power book laptop died on me was completely unexpected and got me thinking outside of the box, looking at the bigger picture, I'm sure someone was listening to me when my mac went bonkers on the same day my partner had a look through the gumtree ads and found a near brand new hardly used all singing all dancing new imac with up to date running software Snow Leopard (this had been a real problem as I had struggled with Tiger for ages) using the old running software meant that blogger no longer worked this proved to be the final straw and I was desperate, I really really really needed a new computer especially a mac (thats what I've been working on now for the past 10 years) was this all just a coincidence or was it divine intervention, was the cosmos conspiring to bring about a new computer for me? I'm rather drawn to that thought and feel that their is some hope and obviously I am meant to continue working on design rather than giving it all up which was where I was at when my computer went down, you could say God has listened to me and provided me with what I need, maybe he has more plans for me and I'm not ready for the final curtain, certainly is heart warming.

The breast cancer care site has been revamped and is not working very well at the moment I know that the people at BCC are working hard to try and improve the site but I really am missing posting on the forum and in the rehash my written profile, my avatar, and all my old saved messages/posts have all gone, I feel a bit like I've had the rug pulled from underneath me, I find the forum so comforting, all the ladies on there understand what I am going through we are all going through the same thing and not being able to speak with them is making me anxious and upset.

My next CT scan is on the 26th May, whilst I am glad it is happening and that I have an appointment time, I am starting to get scanxiety, truly terrifying in every possible way it really does not get any easier you just get used to the nightmare situation and you have to deal with it or choose to live in denial, I am facing my fears and although I try really hard not to think about my situation it comes up over and over again in my mind at least every hour if not then certainly everyday.