Thyroid Test

Up early and waiting in anticipation of my second Thyroid test, last time I had the test it was 3 months ago and it showed that my the Thyroid was under active and that my cholesterol off the scale, I was told that normally we would wait for a period of 3 months and re-test to make sure that it wasn't a a random reading the first time round. I am secretly hoping that it shows my Thyroid is still under active as it would certainly explain all the depressing symptoms like not being able to loose weight no matter what you do or eat! loads of headaches, high cholesterol, blurry eyes these are just some of the symptoms that I have suffered and continue to suffer on a daily basis so as you can see it would be in my best interest if it did prove that my Thyroid wasn't working properly at least then they can administer some drugs that might help. I highlighted the word normally because I would of thought due to all the drugs I've been on and the treatments I've had you couldn't really class me as a normal patient! Prior to getting ill I never had anything wrong with my Thyroid or any other part of my body, my file at the doc's was wafer thin and they never needed to see me about anything then this shit storm hits me and I get every thing under the sun and I end up with a file the size of the old style yellow pages! Its a simple blood test but it could change my life over night again! this time lets hope for the better.

Zoldadex

So, last time I had the dreaded Zoladex shot it was back in August the reason was because my poor old ovaries had decided to kick start themselves back in to action with a period which after 4 years of a no show was a massive shock to the system.  The drug worked marvellously at stopping them from pumping out the dammed bad oestrogen, but the side effects were not very nice again more fucking weight gain...... so I decided not to go back for the 3 monthly shot and just play it by ear, see if my periods returned and so far so good until earlier this week when I had a nervous breakdown, shit the fuckers are working again..... back to the dammed drugs and the super massive needle poked into my stomach, having the shot next week and hopefully the sooner the better. Oestrogen is totally bad for me not just because of the cancer but because it affects me in such a negative way making me very sad, snappy, angry, raging, bitch, depressed, suicidal amongst other things so back on the drugs and can't wait for it, at least once I've had the shot I will feel less agressive about life and everything.

Milestone's and moments.......

Tomorrow I turn 48 and wow hasn't my 40's flown!, so much crammed into 8 years. I had just turned 43 when first dx with both primary and secondary breast its nearly a whooping 5 years since this shit storm started. At that time I was looking at a possible extension of 5 years to my life well that milestone is nearly reached and I don't want to stop, I want to continue and reach another 5 and another 5 and another 5 maybe I could reach old age, most people expect to live to a ripe old age they never contemplate whether they will or not they just expect it. When people say to me "well you could get run over by a bus" this statement is such a cop out, it infuriates me,  it is true that no one knows when they are going to die and yes its true that anyone could be knocked over by a bus and killed BUT that doesn't make living with the knowledge that you have had and are still living with cancer any easier, I reckon I know what number bus is going to hit me I just don't know exactly when perhaps it would be easier for them if I could tell them the time and date of my expiry!! people who aren't walking around with cancer don't have such thoughts about death and dying because they are living in IGNORANT BLISS they do not understand what I and others in my shoes are going through and can never imagine the daily torment of living with this vile disease. Everyday is a milestone every minute is a blessing and a confirmation is living in the moment.

When you truly live in the moment you don't look too far ahead into the future if your thinking about tomorrow today then your not living in the moment. Its not easy to live in the moment the best way to try to obtain this perfect status is to meditate for at least 20 min a day, I am currently registered to listen for free to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey 21 meditation here's a link https://chopracentermeditation.com/ its a 21 day meditation programme guided by Deepak Chopra (not sure why Oprah Winfrey is in on it probably to do with sales!) Deepak is an excellent forward thinker extremely clever, and his philosophy on life is refreshing and complete. I find his voice extremely comforting and I always manage to go into that relaxed state of being. This really helps you to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now. I can't recommend it enough. The 21 day sessions one for each day have just started and are free after which you have to buy the cd or pop onto youtube where you might find some of his earlier guided meditations. It will give you a good solid base to develop your 'living in the moment' state of being.

I'm going away for my birthday seeing old friends and family spending a few days away from the flat which is quite a good thing, I am feeling a bit down at the moment probably to do with these stupid milestones but also because even though I love our flat and its location we have lived here for 12 years I am starting to think we need to move on, start a fresh, and create new memories in a different space, somewhere that isn't tainted with cancer. So much has happened in this flat and to be honest with you not all that good, redundancy, death, depression, struggle and finally cancer have all shaped our existence living in what most people consider to be paradise, its left an indelible mark on our lives and where we live. So going away is a good thing, I am hoping to return with less confusion over this issue.

My new take on that Happy Birthday Song is

Happy Birthday to me
Cancer's not gonna get me
Happy Birthday Sarah the Survivor
Happy Birthday to me