Scanxiety.......

Yep, its that time again, just had a CT scan this time with contrast. Over the past year they couldn't get a cannula into my veins so I couldn't have the scan with contrast which provides a better all round picture, this time however I went to oncology where the experienced chemo nurses were able to get a cannula in and I had the CT with contrast. This has thrown me into a an anxious, worried person whose not feeling up to much at the moment, praying the results are all good or at the very least stable and so this joyless, shitty ride continues...........

I've said it before and I'll say it again FUCKING CANCER.....

In other news, my father has had yet another stroke this time affecting his lefthand side almost a year to the day of the last one. Feel so much for the poor old fella, he's hanging on in there by the skin of his teeth, he can't swallow so is now on a peg for nutrition, water and medication, his memory is shaky sometimes he's with us and sometimes he's most definitely not, so upsetting. He's been in hospital for a month now and isn't likely to come out anytime soon, so I've been staying at my folks house supporting my brother and mum although I'm home at the moment because I need my own bed once in a while and of course I had hospital appointments. I am being kept up to date of his progress and will be going up again soon to stay and visit.

Spring has arrived and is utterly gorgeous as per usual, feel so grateful to still be around appreciating natures awesome beauty although it is somewhat tainted with the current state of affairs.

Blushwood Berry and EBC-46

Over the years I've come across loads of supposed cancer cures, most of which are proved not to cure cancer, so I was kind of sceptical when I chanced across this its a tree called Blushwood from Queensland, Australia. Scientists have extracted a component from the berry of the tree which they have named EBC-46 which has been proven to kill cancer tumours. So far they have tested it successfully on animals and have just started using it in clinical trials on humans. The cancers that have responded to this drug or skin, colon, breast, head and neck. It works by making the white blood cells within the body react to the tumour and kill it. Here's a couple of links and info I've found out on this, I have to say from what I've read online it seems very promising certainly brings hope. In fact in Australia people have been trying to extract there own cancer fighting drug from the plant and stories are circulating that they have been poisoning themselves!  to which I have to chime in with isn't chemo a poison? and doesn't chemo derive from a plant?

Big pharmaceutical companies won't like that a berry could potentially blow them out of the water leaving them high and dry and not making the billions they do out of cancer treatments, that don't work. Just saying....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqCNMzFGc8k

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/oct/08/cancer-tumours-destroyed-by-berry-queensland-rainforest

RIP Dr Stephen Kelly

It is with a heavy heart that I can now report that my consultant Dr Stephen Kelly passed away last week. I found out by chance as I phoned his secretary to ask why I hadn't received a letter telling me when to come in for my CT scan results, it's been 8 weeks! This has happened before so I didn't think much of it and presumed my results were probably OK, but the real reason is because Dr Kelly had passed away and thrown the whole of oncology into turmoil. There were rumours and whispers of liver cancer but I thought he'd beaten it, apparently he had not. It doesn't seem right that someone devoted to treating patients of cancer should fall foul of the very same thing. I am in total shock and feel floored by this sad news. Now more than ever I need to move my care to a new hospital with a new Consultant. The other Dr's at my hospital do not inspire any great confidence and I've not really had very good experiences with them. Dr Kelly was by far the best if not at the hospital then defiantly in my area.

Absolutely gutted.

If you can't take the heat.........

Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....

A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!

Cancer is fucking bollox.

Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!

Milestone's and moments.......

Tomorrow I turn 48 and wow hasn't my 40's flown!, so much crammed into 8 years. I had just turned 43 when first dx with both primary and secondary breast its nearly a whooping 5 years since this shit storm started. At that time I was looking at a possible extension of 5 years to my life well that milestone is nearly reached and I don't want to stop, I want to continue and reach another 5 and another 5 and another 5 maybe I could reach old age, most people expect to live to a ripe old age they never contemplate whether they will or not they just expect it. When people say to me "well you could get run over by a bus" this statement is such a cop out, it infuriates me,  it is true that no one knows when they are going to die and yes its true that anyone could be knocked over by a bus and killed BUT that doesn't make living with the knowledge that you have had and are still living with cancer any easier, I reckon I know what number bus is going to hit me I just don't know exactly when perhaps it would be easier for them if I could tell them the time and date of my expiry!! people who aren't walking around with cancer don't have such thoughts about death and dying because they are living in IGNORANT BLISS they do not understand what I and others in my shoes are going through and can never imagine the daily torment of living with this vile disease. Everyday is a milestone every minute is a blessing and a confirmation is living in the moment.

When you truly live in the moment you don't look too far ahead into the future if your thinking about tomorrow today then your not living in the moment. Its not easy to live in the moment the best way to try to obtain this perfect status is to meditate for at least 20 min a day, I am currently registered to listen for free to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey 21 meditation here's a link https://chopracentermeditation.com/ its a 21 day meditation programme guided by Deepak Chopra (not sure why Oprah Winfrey is in on it probably to do with sales!) Deepak is an excellent forward thinker extremely clever, and his philosophy on life is refreshing and complete. I find his voice extremely comforting and I always manage to go into that relaxed state of being. This really helps you to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now. I can't recommend it enough. The 21 day sessions one for each day have just started and are free after which you have to buy the cd or pop onto youtube where you might find some of his earlier guided meditations. It will give you a good solid base to develop your 'living in the moment' state of being.

I'm going away for my birthday seeing old friends and family spending a few days away from the flat which is quite a good thing, I am feeling a bit down at the moment probably to do with these stupid milestones but also because even though I love our flat and its location we have lived here for 12 years I am starting to think we need to move on, start a fresh, and create new memories in a different space, somewhere that isn't tainted with cancer. So much has happened in this flat and to be honest with you not all that good, redundancy, death, depression, struggle and finally cancer have all shaped our existence living in what most people consider to be paradise, its left an indelible mark on our lives and where we live. So going away is a good thing, I am hoping to return with less confusion over this issue.

My new take on that Happy Birthday Song is

Happy Birthday to me
Cancer's not gonna get me
Happy Birthday Sarah the Survivor
Happy Birthday to me

RIP Wisp

Can't believe I am writing this post with this title! My lovely little cat Wisp who was only 11 months old was mowed down by a driver on our country lane out the front of our house the careless driver didn't even stop! We were away at the time and my poor brother had to tell us over the phone then he had to bury him next to our other beloved cat Ted who also went the same way. It begs belief! They were both gorgeous young cats taken way too soon. I am understandably heart broken. What a mixed roller coaster ride of a week that was. Started off very normal and looking forward to going on a short holiday to Newquay staying a friends holiday house whilst my partner did a little bit of work for them on the house, then one day into the holiday we get the dreaded phone call about my little Wisp really hard to keep it together and couldn't grieve properly as we were in company we decided to stay as there was nothing we could do if we went home and Lee finished the job drove back home with heavy hearts and many tears on the Thursday again we couldn't grieve properly because our neighbours were getting married on the Saturday and people were arriving full of life and joy so again another brave face was put on I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over all that false smiling and I hate having my photo taken because I don't recognise the person in the photo as me it did my fucking head in. I managed to come home before the evening party and decided that was enough and stayed at home finally able to come to terms with what had happened. Then Sunday we went out for a meal with friends.

It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.

........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?

Sara by Fleetwood Mac

Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY

UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.

Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx

We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.

My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.

The C Word and Lisa Lynch

About an hour ago I watched the short drama on the life and cancer of Lisa Lynch of 'Alright Tit' blog fame and her book 'The C-Word' and remembered why I was feeling so dejected all of the art events this week were something to strive for something to bring hope and joy, watching the film brought back the whole horrible terrifying experience of having cancer and living with it, I could relate to all her pain, emotional suffering, and heartache all the shit she had to go through like chemo, surgery, radiotherapy only to be told that the 'Bullshit' as she called it had returned.  If you haven't watched this its on the iplayer its moving, it makes you cry, but its real, honest depiction of the insanity of a secondary breast cancer dx, I could relate to all of it from finding out and having to tell everyone to going through horrendous chemo and surgery all of it was exactly how I remember it, somehow seeing it on TV makes life seem even more precious and fragile than it already is. Its reminded me to be thankful for all that I have including the chance to fail at a miserable art competition how unbelievably unimportant it all is. All we have is our relationships our friends and family thats all that is important. Lisa Lynch died in 2013 after fighting secondary breast cancer for the record ITS A MOTHER FUCKER.... and I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Here's the link to Lisa's brilliant blog http://alrighttit.blogspot.co.uk and to the iplayer film 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b05tr05b/the-c-word

Juicing and Supplement Vid

So here's my very first video sharing my daily health protocol using juice and supplements. Apologies for my west country accent lol. Enjoy x xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_00h58Vq_8&feature=em-upload_ownerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_00h58Vq_8&feature=em-upload_owner

Onc. appt. and a Cancer Cluster

Hi all, a quick up date on the results of the latest CT scan and its good I'm still in the stable mabel so can't grumble at that, they will continue to keep an eye on me and scan me etc. No real moans about the appt. either which makes a change the registrar that delivered the news was very nice and very happy to give me some good news. So all is ok at the moment.

Now on the subject of Cancer Cluster I feel I need to share that I've recently found out that 3 of my  ex work colleagues have also been diagnosed with breast cancer 2 of us with secondary breast cancer. This news has floored me!! Could it be down to where you work which in some way has caused cancer? I keep asking myself is it just a coincidence and just cannot accept that this is so. We all worked in an small open plan office at the back of a very old tudor building for around 6 years, I worked as a designer on an old style Mac and the others were proof readers who sat behind me. One of whom is currently fighting for her life as the bastard has spread onto her brain. We're all around the same age. I worked there from my mid to late 30's and then moved down to Devon where I continued to work for the same company. So, what to do about this ummm...... so I've been advised by a fellow breast cancer patient to contact the Alliance for Cancer Prevention Authority here's there link http://allianceforcancerprevention.org.uk/#!/about/ and tell them the story. I'm also contacting former employee's to find out if there is anyone else who has had a breast cancer dx who worked in the same office. Once I've collated the information I will work out what to do about this. I can't leave this alone its just too much of a coincidence and if when we get to the bottom of this it does work out that I was working in a ticking cancer bomb heads will fucking roll. I owe it to myself and all the other women who have worked there and have or are unfortunate to develop breast cancer and all the women that haven't worked there but are going to, someone has to do something and that someone is clearly me.

Here's a link to a famous breast cancer cluster in Australia where 20 women were dx all working for the ABC media corporation in the same building. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBqYNysfBlo
and another about a group of men nearly 40!! based in an American arm camp all dx with breast cancer
http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2012/05/camp-lejeune-marines-breast-cancer-florence-williams

Prolapsed WTF!

Ok this is a difficult post to write and I can't quite believe its happening to me BUT I've now got a prolapsed uterus again another secondary cause from a) being in menopause early b) continued cancer treatments ie: hormonal as lack of oestrogen can also cause it c) coughing so bad over xmas and new year that I've strained myself and think this is what finally caused it. I'd been feeling that things weren't right uh humm....... in the nether regions for a while and realised after some research on the net what it actually was. I'd found that something was sticking out where it never did before a sort of dare I say it lump....... as you can imagine finding any type of lump anywhere on my body tends to freak me out! I did mention this to my GP who decided to ignore this particular problem and chose to deal with the other things on my list as long as your arm. I've got a Onc. appt. this Friday morning for results of latest CT scan so will be mentioning this to them if they don't deal with it then I suppose I'll have to ask either GP or Onc. to refer me to Gyno dept. WTF this fucking disease just keeps on giving doesn't it? So been doing my pelvic floor exercises as many times a day as is humanely possible in a the vain hope that I can avoid any further surgery, I'm shitting myself over this one urghhhhhhh......

Will keep you all posted on this and the results of my latest CT scan.

Feeling like a piece of shit...

Today is a bad day. I don't have an awful lot to get excited about but a fortnight ago I was short listed for an art prize and on the same day had found out that the little chinese pot I bought in a charity shop was of interest to the Homes and Antiques magazine they published a pic of the pot and I had to wait until today to find out how much the pot was worth! Exciting stuff eh!!! started feeling really high with anticipation waited a week and found out that my painting hasn't made the final selection process and the little pot is worth £20 quid. What an absolute load of fucking shite! I deserved at the very least to of been selected for the RWA urghhhhhhhh..... feel like a failure again not very positive and quite frankly back to shitty square one.......whats the fucking point in this existence?????????? I literally had to force the green juice down my neck this morning and I did it with tears streaming down my face, its ridiculous fighting to stay a live for what?????? god only knows literally????? This was going to be a optimistic post on Hemp Oil however after today I need to regain some composure and sit on that particular post for a while. Don't want fucking cancer, don't want to take shit loads of supplements and other chemicals just too stay a live and don't know how I'm gonna carry on at the moment. Basically ITS ALL A LOAD OF ABSOLUTE FUCKING SHIT! and also wanted to add that for the first time in 3 years and 8 months I WANT A FUCKING SMOKE!

RIP Polly Noble and Liz Greggory

Polly Noble has passed away she was only 32 and had been fighting aggressive cervical cancer that had spread to other vital organs since she was 24. Polly was a breath of fresh air she was an english Kris Carr. How can someone so young and vibrant be taken so very quickly. Polly was a wellness warrior and wrote books and websites on eating right including raw and green juicing. She didn't smoke or drink yet she still got taken by this fucking disease. I had signed up to Polly's website and would receive regular updates and recipes from her I was starting to think why haven't I had an email from Polly when all of the sudden it dawned on me something had happened. My worst fears were realised when I googled her name and the words funeral came up automatically. I started reading her obituary and tears rolled down, like they have so many times for so many different people some with breast cancer some with other types of cancer in the past 3 and a half years since being dx I've buried at least 20 women all of whom I'd had direct contact with via the internet or by phone, its quite simply shocking. Initially I react by getting tearful and upset then as the realisation of whats happened sinks in I get fucking angry I try not to as I think anger internalised is very very bad for you but my reactions are what they are and I am so angry why oh why oh why and what an utter waste of a caring, compassionate, inspired human being.......words fail me I am at a loss.....


R.I.P. Polly Noble you were a true inspiration and you didn't deserve your unbelievably unkind end.

I've added this today in honour and remembrance of the lovely Liz Gregory I met Liz on line, a fellow secondary breast cancer patient who was amongst others offered tremendous support and help in my hour of need. Liz was a salt of the earth kind of person compassionate and caring always willing to offer help and advice. This fucking cancer has finally got her I pray her passing was calm and that she was free of suffering and pain. As always she leaves behind a family whom now have to pick up the peices and continue without her.

R.I.P. Liz Gregory you will be missed, sending you lots of love and light lovely lady. xxx

Life goes on.....

We are still coming to terms with the tragic loss of our lovely Ted we also found out on the same day that one of my close friends mother had lost her battle with Myeloma Cancer we were dx at the same time 3 years ago and had built up a support network for each other both of us enjoying juicing and living life healthy then wallop she's gone, the chemo she had been on stopped working this coupled with a fall in the night where she broke her leg (she was 70) was the final straw and she was put in the hospice and never came out. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow and yet again I am reminded how fragile our existence really is. The weird thing was Christine was also an avid cat lover maybe Ted and Christine are together I know he's in good hands with her. Its so hard Teddy was such a character cat and loved the woodland garden. We walked down through bluebell wood this afternoon and it was stunning somehow it just didn't seem the same without Teddy he loved this time of year.

So, life moves on. Lee has booked up his training course for the offshore Rigging in May and will be away for a week and a half when he returns we will take the next step and see about getting him some offshore work for a 3 week period after which we will be able to afford to move which is what we both want now more than ever due to our recent loss.

I had an oncologist appointment to find out what the hell was going on with the 'something' on my Liver apparently the radiologist wont budge and continues to sit on the fence ie: he wont say whether or not it is cancer. So we are back in square one again and I'm to have yet another blasted CT scan in about 6 weeks time!!! because of the back log. I ask you this is so fucking out of order. I feel like giving up. Then I was asked about my migraines to which I replied yes still getting them infact they have increased last week I had 3 and so far I've woken every day this week with a migraine. Thanks to Sumatriptan I am able to function but its not good to wake daily with extreme nausea and a pounding headache so now they want to do an MRI scan on my head to determine if its cancer or just normal migraine stuff, like ya do!!! The only plus from the appointment was that she (registrar not onc) asked how I was doing on the Tamoxifen I decided as we were being honest and open that I would let rip about the shit. I told her about my aching joints and my massive weight gain nearly 4 stone! she agreed that the side effects were extreme (not everyone will react this way) and that weight gain was definitely a result of taking the drug, they have decided to re-check my blood and see if I am through the menopause if I am then they will take me off the dreaded Tamoxifen and replace with another AI that apparently does not cause weight gain although the joint pain might increase. I don't mind this as my joints are taking a bashing with all this excess weight that I've been carrying around. Bloody hope and pray I am through the menopause. It was left that I shall go back for results in July!! seems like a long flipping wait then! Going to see GP about changing hospital only trouble is I'm worried that if I do it now that things could be forgotten about during the transition, so not sure whether its bad timing to change at the moment.

I've been trying to paint but all this shit the deaths, the drugs, just general cancer shite doesn't inspire me to be creative. However I have managed to finish one painting and I've got some prints done so will drop off at a lovely gallery in Weston.

Will keep you posted as too the Liver and now the Head crap. xx

Fun in the Sun....

Its been a while since I posted mainly due to the arrival of summer in all her glory, living in South Devon we are spoilt for choice when it comes to gorgeous beaches and plenty of messing around on the water, so as you will of gathered I have been playing and enjoying myself instead of moaning and feeling depressed, its true the weather really does play an important role in your mental health. I've spent a fair few hours swimming in the sea (it really was that hot!) the sea salt worked wonders on my poor arm, I got bitten by another horse fly and reacted very badly too it, my whole arm swelled up luckily not my affected side but unfortunately the side the nurse has to stick the needle in for my Herceptin, so I got a week off the stuff to allow the arm to heal and just in case it turned into septicaemia! Horse fly's are utter bastards!

As far as planet Cancer is concerned I have some shocking news my best friend's sister in law aged early 50's was diagnosed with Lung Cancer which by the time they had found it had spread onto all of her bones it took two weeks from being diagnosed to her passing, everyone is left in complete shock she leaves behind 3 daughters the youngest is 15, its crazy shit and it doesn't get more scarier than that.

As far as my cancer is concerned I'm ok at the moment, I've been and seen my Onc. who agrees with me about the dammed Tamoxifen, I kid you not when I say I've put on 4 stone!!! this is just crazy weight gain never before have I been this big I was always a size 8!!!! so this along with my very very achey cramped legs and feet have made my Onc. request a ton of blood tests and if they come back ok then she really will have too do something about the Tamoxifen I have way too many side effects and she told me that if I am post menopausal then I have a far greater choice of hormonal drugs to try, an appointment is booked for the results at the end of August and as always I will keep you informed. Another slight annoyance is an itch on my left breast (I had an itch on my right breast and then found advanced BC!) its gone today and I'm praying it was just something itchy in my top that was annoying me of course it doesn't help being so blasted hot and bothered (hot flush central) I now sleep with the fan pointing at my face and I am happy to report it works yipeeeee!!!

That just about wraps it up for today's post of course I will keep you all informed about results etc but in the mean time enjoy the remainder of the summer and treasure those blissful moments. xxx

Its an epidemic....

So I watched the wonderful Glastonbury Festival at the weekend on the TV as I couldn't afford to attend and I probably wouldn't have the necessary stamina for sleeping in a tent also getting up and down and needing to sit down could become a problem. By far the best bands were Chic feat. Nile Rogers and the Stones. I love love loved Chic's performance they were smooth, slick and ultra cool with their classic disco tracks I found the whole thing so uplifting I downloaded the show and have had it continually on my computer in my art studio, I was surprised to learn that Nile is a super talent and has written countless songs for other superstars like David Bowie, Diana Ross, and the biggest surprise was Daft Punk 'Get Lucky' which is at number 1 in the charts as I write this, the man is pure genius and I love how the music lifted me. So I just googled his name and came up with his website www.nilerogers.com on that website I was shocked to learn that he is also a cancer survivor he had extremely aggressive prostrate cancer and he writes about his experiences with the big c on a blog http://nilerodgers.com/blogs well worth checking it out he say's it like it is when your living in the shadow of cancer but its also incredibly life affirming. If the music doesn't get to you then the blog will. Its like a cancer radar so many people recently are either losing their fight or just diagnosed in the past 2 weeks 4 people I know have been dx with some form of this terrible disease, one of them was dx just last week with bone cancer and apparently has been given days to live!!! What is this shit? why so many people being affected? what is going on? surely we must be somewhere nearer to finding out what causes cancer, its doing my head in, everywhere I turn its there like a bad smell lingering. It feels like its at epidemic proportions, is it the end of humanity? I'm at a complete loss?

Changed name.....

Hi all, just a quick note to explain that I've changed the name of this blog from 'Surviving the beast within' to Living with SBC (secondary breast cancer). I decided that the old title was too dramatic and I wanted to tone down the 'Beast' part so I've changed it to something that is a true description of what I am actually doing which is living with it. Hope this doesn't confuse anyone and apologies in advance if its inconvenienced anyone. Sending you all love and light sarah xxx

Where's your head at?

Ok so I think its about time I filled you in on where I'm at at this particular moment in time. Obviously I'm still receiving Herceptin and taking daily Tamoxifen, I haven't had a whole body CT scan for about 8 month's now and feel I've gradually slipped into my new life post Cancer. However, I'm not the same person I was before and have changed almost everything about myself and my life. I continue to eat healthy and avoid red meat (I only eat free range chicken once a month) other than that I eat fish, eggs and pro-biotic organic yoghurt. I try to juice at least 3 times a week (I was doing this daily for just over 2 years) I've cut it down as I've started to feel better and believe juicing 3 times a week is sufficient in keeping my body both alkaline and healthy.  I continue to go for healing at least once a week this is very necessary and life re-affirming, I can't live without it. I try to meditate daily or at the very least weekly and I attend a weekly meditation group where we concentrate on healing. Yoga has become a weekly practice which also helps with the meditation. Another massive plus is I've started painting again and I feel ok about it. I'm in the middle of painting a couple of new collections and finished off old paintings this has proved to be quite cathartic and has brought me a new lease of life.

Occasionally I slip into my old mind set but I do recognise that this is not healthy and more importantly I am aware of it and try to nip it in the bud before it takes hold of me. Negative thought patterns are not tolerated anymore. This is easier said than done of course as the mind is a powerful manipulator, it also doesn't help when other people pass away or deteriorate with this disease, I can't help getting upset when someone passes even though I know they are going 'home' back to their natural spiritual state. I try to remind myself that this reaction to someones passing is natural and needs to be embraced worked through and ultimately let go of.

In answer to the title of this post my head is in a good place at the moment, I am positive and I've started to plan for the future something I never thought I'd be able to do especially on the work front. I've decided that I want to become a further education teacher possibly teaching foundation in art at a college as well as finishing my current paintings is my goal at the moment, myself and my partner have other plans but I'm going to try and stay focused on my current projects.

Causes of Cancer environmental or emotional..........

The blog Spiritual-light-on-Cancer asks the question Causes of Cancer: Environmental or Emotional? Fiona asks questions through a spiritual medium and receives answers from her Guides, this particular post looks at the causes of cancer asking is it environmental or emotional? this is an excellent question and totally unique response.

FIONA: I am thinking about the causes of cancer. Some say it is caused by toxic emotions; others that it is caused by environment toxins. Can you shed any light on this? GUIDES: Yes. We take you back to what we initially said on this subject. Cancer is one of the ways the body will choose as a means to exit life. When you are looking to exit life the body will begin to accumulate matter in the body as the system becomes sluggish towards life in general. Think about it. You move less when you are unhappy and your thoughts become far more polluted in their nature. The mechanisms for exit can be physical in nature. But by the time they become physical in nature, such as the body has manifested a mass or masses, which can be diagnosed as cancer, there has been a great build up to this point. Although it seems to those of you diagnosed it has been overnight, there has been a build up towards this. Now all of you are right in thinking that it is a genetic issue, and that it is a mental issue, and that it is a toxic issue. The mechanism that causes the manifestation of disease in the individual is individual. But what must be noticed is the commonality with all of you that end up with a diagnosis of cancer, is that there has been an activation of the desire to exit life. For most of you this will have been on an unconscious, subconscious level. You will probably not have realised you are doing this so you must look to reclaim your joire de vivre. This is the most important message we can ever give you . You understand this, Fiona. This becomes difficult for you when you see it manifesting in other ways in other people. You have been to the point where you are considering your own mortality and you know how it feels. You know how it feels to try and get a sense of self and a sense of living back. It is hard. It is much easier to become more full of life without a diagnosis of cancer than it is with one. However, should you wish to remain healthy and you have the strength to do so, engage with life. How do you do this? This is individual to each of you. It will be important that all of you think about what you need to do for your healing. If your body has a level of toxicity or pollutants in it, then cleanse it. But do this lovingly- not aggressively- for cleansing the body aggressively simply adds more of the wrong input into the system. What do we mean? It is simply another thing about how bad my life is. We would rather you ate a chocolate bar at this point, if that is what would make you happier. All of you who are willing to do so, please take a look at the contents of your thoughts. You are not taught to think about your thoughts. You are not taught that you are a creator of your thoughts. Instead you are left with a mind that talks and many of you for want of a better word or phrase aren’t aware of the direction you are driving yourself. So when you come to a stop such as a diagnosis of cancer, and you do not wish for your life to end, it is time to turn around.
Taken from the excellent blog http://spiritual-light-on-cancer.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/causes-of-cancer-enviromental-or.html

Smart Bombs

Interesting link to an article about Smart Bombs and the possible end to chemotherapy.
http://edition.cnn.com/2013/06/26/health/time-chemo/index.html?sr=sharebar_facebook

My cancer buddie....

I am so so sad, at 1.30 today my dear friend and fellow cancer patient Sarah passed away I've just found out and feel devastated. I had never met her but we had a lot in common. When I was first dx she came to my aid and offered a virtual shoulder to cry on when I was going through the worst of it, she inspired me as another creative (she was an art teacher) I could relate to her on many levels. Every time I pick up my paint brush, or attempt to knit I shall remember my dear dear friend. RIP Sarah G. (aka cromercrab on BCC forum) we shall all miss you I thank the lord she's no longer suffering and pray her transition into the next life was peaceful and calm.  When anyone dies from the SBC group I find it so hard to carry on it takes all my strength to pick myself up and carry on fighting such a blow really does take your breath away. So many have now passed away since I was dx, this is just terrible news. God rest you Sarah G. you were an amazing woman and you shall be missed love to all xxx