Anti-depressants have become a part of the my life, I never expected that I would have to take medication for depression although looking back I've always been more depressive than upbeat. After being dx I thought I was doing fine, in fact with lack of oestrogen I wasn't as moody as before, leading me to believe that my mood swings were a result of out of balance hormones. Initially I was put on anti-d's for the menopausal symptoms to alleviate the hot flushes caused by an early chemical menopause (which by the way are still as horrendous as they always were) this worked for a while but eventually they stopped working and I am now back in the hot and sweaty position I was before. Trouble is I can't seem to get off them. I want to come off them as they aren't working for what I they were prescribed for. Of course I realise I probably wouldn't of been able to cope with what life has chucked at me over the past 7 years if it wasn't for the tablets.
The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :
Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige.......
The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.
Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Monday, 22 October 2018
Monday, 21 May 2018
The cost of cancer....
Its taken me a long time to write this post mainly because of the stigma attached to claiming any sort of benefit especially if your disability is invisible ie: your not in a wheel chair. Living with any type of cancer is expensive, it costs just to keep you alive as the pharmacy companies that develop life saving drugs charge a kings ransom and in fact some members of the general public believe it is costing them (in there taxes and NI contribution) a small fortune to keep "cancer patients alive" and that its "not cost effective" quoted by someone who shall remain nameless but I can assure you has pointed this out to me on several occasions, exclaiming that "if I got cancer I wouldn't do chemo or any of the drugs" uh like you know what its like to live with cancer!!! Anyway I deviate so cancer costs everyone a lot of money, from the NHS, the general public and also us cancer patients.
Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.
Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.
Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......
Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.
Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.
Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Tricky Times
Its been ages since I last wrote a post so I thought I'd better bring you all up to date. My father had a stroke earlier on this year and after nearly 8 weeks in hospital he was released, unfortunately they released him way to early, he wasn't ready to come home and the house wasn't ready for a severely disabled person. So after a lot of phone calls and a couple of weeks spent at my mum and dads house we finally have managed to get nursing care for 4 weeks after which they will review and see if he needs any further care. I don't want to go into it on here but its been a nightmare! not just watching my dad struggle around the house with the stairs but also with all the red tape to go through just to get some help. It was made all the worse when my mum went down with flu which she then passed on to dad who already had pneumonia earlier on in the year all this put his recovery back to being bed ridden and so I was asked to come up and care for a fortnight, this I did, but I'm physically not able to lift him etc so was relieved when the nursing care finally was sorted. Worryingly my father was referred to the lung cancer department and was supposed to go for a CT scan earlier on in the year after his bout of pneumonia, due to the stroke this got left by the wayside and forgotten about, however today he faces a CT scan to check out that earlier niggle. Stressed out or what.......
As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.
Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!
As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.
Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
Fatty Liver anyone?
So, been looking at my CT scan reports as so often it takes time to come down off the euphoric response to a clean good scan result and then to gradually digest the medical wank. Medical wank is my term for there usage of words in describing the observations of the scan. So what the fuck does "generalised hepatic steatosis" actually mean well in short it means I have a nonalcoholic fatty liver. I actually don't drink never really did even before I was dx so it is by no means anything to do with alcohol. How does this affect me well I don't really know but I found out that it was probably caused by Tamoxifen here's a link to an article explaining the connection http://livertox.nih.gov/Tamoxifen.htm ok so I am hoping you've read that link and now understand why Tamoxifen would affect your liver. My burning question is why don't they mention this when they prescribing the stuff? urghhhhhhhh makes me so bloody angry, we should be informed about the side effects including fucking up your liver prior to taking the stuff. Tamoxifen strikes again....... of course being obese due to the dammed drug also contributes to guess what? you've guessed it 'fatty liver'. Going to look further I know Milk Thistle is excellent as is Dandelion for the Liver so I will be uping my intake of those 2 and looking into other Liver helping alternatives. I am so glad I don't take Tamoxifen anymore.
Thursday, 23 July 2015
Blood tests, scans and anxiety....
Last friday I had my 3 monthly CT scan I'm waiting for results and as is the normal for my hospital it could be some time anything up to 8 weeks (I'm not kidding!!!!). On Tuesday I had my 3 weekly Herceptin shot in the leg which has left a big black bruise and tomorrow I go in for a blood test to verify the status of my thyroid and also to check my blood sugar levels straight after that I go onto the hospital for a heart scan (Herceptin affects your heart) so its been a week of scans, tests and anxiety. I always feel anxious waiting for results which is understandable but its also the anticipation of having to have a cannula put into one of my poor collapsed veins it stress me out no end, they never get it right or listen to me when I tell them don't try that hand etc so subsequently they try 3 times and then hand over to a doctor who invariably looks about 10!! who tells me not to worry it wont hurt and he'll/she'll find one and hey presto it always does bloody well hurt and they have a good poke around to try and find it. WHY DON'T THEY JUST USE MY FOOT urghhhhhhh...... its so fucking annoying.
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Quality over Quantity
Life fucking sucks!!!! the reason being as usual the incredibly annoying and fucking awful weight gain!! Before all this utter shit happened to me I was a size 8 happy go lucky, active woman happy in my own skin, not terribly attractive but passable human being, since cancer so much has changed mainly due to the appalling fucking weight gain its just never ending...... I feel like an alien in my own skin, I don't recognise the person in the mirror, I'd rather be on my own hide away from the world because I can't face the rest of human kind, I had and still have a lot of friends but I see there disbelief in there faces they just can't come to terms with the new fatter me!!! it blows me away it must be just as bad for them. I'm still Sarah, still me on the inside I try to make myself look better but I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and think who the fuck is that????!!!!!! I try not to look into any mirrors now its so depressing!!! god knows what my partner really thinks, he's tried to reassure me that he loves me no matter what I look like hence the reason everyone believes he's an angel which no doubt he probably is. I find the bigger I get the more invisible to others I seem to be. I get cut out of conversations people don't want to converse with me.
Food becomes a problem I don't want to eat in front of others I feel like I am being judged. Most people assume the weight is because I eat too much. In fact the weight is down to the fucking awful tablets and Zoladex injection that pile it on. I was never a shallow person or even that bothered about what I looked like before all of this happened to me admittedly I wasn't exactly a super model but I looked alright, now its utterly painful facing the truth that I look fat and ugly. Its harder in the summer everyone wears a lot less because of the heat, living by the coast I used to be one of those girls living in her shorts and vest top, swimming in the sea loving life by the sea. Now the nearest I get to swimming is paddling I don't want to get my horrible body out for all to gawp at nothing fits me I am getting so big even the massive wet suit doesn't fit anymore. I so wish I could go and swim in the sea and feel happy to do so. I was loosing the weight and lost a stone until my bloody periods came back then they at the hospital told me I need to shut my ovaries down as they were producing so much oestrogen so I've been on Zoladex injections this has the unwanted side effect of more weight gain. Everything that is related to oestrogen rich breast cancer gives you weight gain and I seem particularly susceptible to it. I am seriously thinking of stopping all the drugs including the Zoladex shots whats the point in living when you feel so utterly depressed. The question is am I ready for the ramifications of stopping the drugs?, have I reached my 'going to hit the fuck it button' yet? I am told by my Onc. and Dr's that going drug free might and most probably will kill me BUT anytime I had left would be happy and whose to say I wouldn't survive? I might be one of the lucky ones and live to tell the tale. The ultimate question is Quality over Quantity? something only I can answer. Love and light to you all xxx
Food becomes a problem I don't want to eat in front of others I feel like I am being judged. Most people assume the weight is because I eat too much. In fact the weight is down to the fucking awful tablets and Zoladex injection that pile it on. I was never a shallow person or even that bothered about what I looked like before all of this happened to me admittedly I wasn't exactly a super model but I looked alright, now its utterly painful facing the truth that I look fat and ugly. Its harder in the summer everyone wears a lot less because of the heat, living by the coast I used to be one of those girls living in her shorts and vest top, swimming in the sea loving life by the sea. Now the nearest I get to swimming is paddling I don't want to get my horrible body out for all to gawp at nothing fits me I am getting so big even the massive wet suit doesn't fit anymore. I so wish I could go and swim in the sea and feel happy to do so. I was loosing the weight and lost a stone until my bloody periods came back then they at the hospital told me I need to shut my ovaries down as they were producing so much oestrogen so I've been on Zoladex injections this has the unwanted side effect of more weight gain. Everything that is related to oestrogen rich breast cancer gives you weight gain and I seem particularly susceptible to it. I am seriously thinking of stopping all the drugs including the Zoladex shots whats the point in living when you feel so utterly depressed. The question is am I ready for the ramifications of stopping the drugs?, have I reached my 'going to hit the fuck it button' yet? I am told by my Onc. and Dr's that going drug free might and most probably will kill me BUT anytime I had left would be happy and whose to say I wouldn't survive? I might be one of the lucky ones and live to tell the tale. The ultimate question is Quality over Quantity? something only I can answer. Love and light to you all xxx
Monday, 29 June 2015
RIP Wisp
Can't believe I am writing this post with this title! My lovely little cat Wisp who was only 11 months old was mowed down by a driver on our country lane out the front of our house the careless driver didn't even stop! We were away at the time and my poor brother had to tell us over the phone then he had to bury him next to our other beloved cat Ted who also went the same way. It begs belief! They were both gorgeous young cats taken way too soon. I am understandably heart broken. What a mixed roller coaster ride of a week that was. Started off very normal and looking forward to going on a short holiday to Newquay staying a friends holiday house whilst my partner did a little bit of work for them on the house, then one day into the holiday we get the dreaded phone call about my little Wisp really hard to keep it together and couldn't grieve properly as we were in company we decided to stay as there was nothing we could do if we went home and Lee finished the job drove back home with heavy hearts and many tears on the Thursday again we couldn't grieve properly because our neighbours were getting married on the Saturday and people were arriving full of life and joy so again another brave face was put on I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over all that false smiling and I hate having my photo taken because I don't recognise the person in the photo as me it did my fucking head in. I managed to come home before the evening party and decided that was enough and stayed at home finally able to come to terms with what had happened. Then Sunday we went out for a meal with friends.
It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.
........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?
Sara by Fleetwood Mac
Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY
UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.
Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx
We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.
My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.
It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.
........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?
Sara by Fleetwood Mac
Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY
UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.
Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx
We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.
My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.
Friday, 19 June 2015
Here we go again hot hot hot.......
Yep you guessed it they are back with revenge hot flushes sort of disappeared for a couple of months and then wham all of a sudden they return with full force in fact they are worse than ever! Before I'd get hot sweat a bit and then it would stop these buggers apparently triggered by the Zoladex (and exasperated by the summer) are the mother of all hot flushes I've experienced whole days of feeling like my entire body is constantly on a hot flush I kid you not this is utter hell!!! So today when the up beat nurse enquired if all was ok on Zoladex I replied no actually I am living in a perpetual burning hell to which she looked at me with that oh I'm so sorry look and promptly went off to discuss with my consultant. (I don't usually moan to them in the hospital about things but I am glad I didn't do the usual and say" yeah every things fine" NOT!!! When she returned from the chat with my Onc. it was suggested I go on Megace progesterone tablet apparently this will stop the hot flushes in there tracks BUT as always there are side effects including my pet hate of more fucking weight gain urghhhhh........ and bloody migraines........wonderful so I wont feel like my whole body is on fire anymore but the downside is I wont be able to function ie: move about because of the incredible weight gain and I probably wont be able to get out of bed anyway because of the bloody migraine. Not sure what to do maybe I should try the Megace and monitor whether the weight is piling on if so stop taking it oh what a conundrum and one I'd rather not have to make, who'd of thought I'd be pondering this shit eh!!!
Here's what it says on the Macmillan site about the drug:
Megestrol can also be used to improve symptoms such as hot flushes or loss of appetite. Hormones are substances produced naturally in the body. They act as chemical messengers and help control the activity of cells and organs. Hormonal therapies interfere with the way hormones are made or how they work in the body.
Many cancers rely on hormones to grow. Megestrol is a drug that is similar to the female sex hormone progesterone. It may work by interfering with the hormone balance in the body, which may stop the cancer growing. It may also act directly on cancer cells so that they can’t grow.
Your doctor will discuss the length of treatment that they feel is appropriate for your situation. Treatment may continue for as long as it is effective in controlling your cancer.
Mood changes
Megestrol may cause changes to your mood. You may feel anxious or restless. You may also have mood swings or problems sleeping. Tell your doctor or nurse if you have any of these side effects. They can make changes to your treatment if the side effects become a problem.
Skin rashes
Some people experience skin rashes. Tell your doctor if this occurs.
Here's what it says on the Macmillan site about the drug:
Megestrol can also be used to improve symptoms such as hot flushes or loss of appetite. Hormones are substances produced naturally in the body. They act as chemical messengers and help control the activity of cells and organs. Hormonal therapies interfere with the way hormones are made or how they work in the body.
Many cancers rely on hormones to grow. Megestrol is a drug that is similar to the female sex hormone progesterone. It may work by interfering with the hormone balance in the body, which may stop the cancer growing. It may also act directly on cancer cells so that they can’t grow.
Your doctor will discuss the length of treatment that they feel is appropriate for your situation. Treatment may continue for as long as it is effective in controlling your cancer.
and the possible side effects drawing attention to the text highlighted in Red:
We explain the most common side effects of megestrol here. But we don’t include all the rare ones that are unlikely to affect you. You may get some of the side effects we mention, but you are very unlikely to get all of them. If you are having other drugs as well, you may have some side effects that we don’t list here.
Always tell your cancer doctor or nurse about the side effects you have. They can prescribe drugs to help control some side effects and they can give you advice about managing them.
Increased appetite
The most common side effect is feeling hungrier than usual, which may cause you to gain weight. This effect on your appetite will go away when you stop taking the drug. If you’re worried about gaining weight, talk to your doctor or nurse.
Sometimes megestrol is used to help improve appetite in people who have lost interest in food and are losing weight.
We explain the most common side effects of megestrol here. But we don’t include all the rare ones that are unlikely to affect you. You may get some of the side effects we mention, but you are very unlikely to get all of them. If you are having other drugs as well, you may have some side effects that we don’t list here.
Always tell your cancer doctor or nurse about the side effects you have. They can prescribe drugs to help control some side effects and they can give you advice about managing them.
Increased appetite
The most common side effect is feeling hungrier than usual, which may cause you to gain weight. This effect on your appetite will go away when you stop taking the drug. If you’re worried about gaining weight, talk to your doctor or nurse.
Sometimes megestrol is used to help improve appetite in people who have lost interest in food and are losing weight.
Swollen hands, feet and ankles
Your hands, feet and ankles may swell because of fluid building up in them. This is not harmful, but can be uncomfortable. Tell your doctor or nurse if you notice any swelling. The swelling will get better after your treatment ends.
Your hands, feet and ankles may swell because of fluid building up in them. This is not harmful, but can be uncomfortable. Tell your doctor or nurse if you notice any swelling. The swelling will get better after your treatment ends.
Tiredness
You may feel tired and lack energy while taking megestrol. Pace yourself if you feel tired. Try to balance rest periods with some physical activity.
Feeling sick and indigestion
Some people feel sick, especially during the first few weeks of taking megestrol. Tell your doctor if you are affected. They can prescribe treatment to help.
You may feel tired and lack energy while taking megestrol. Pace yourself if you feel tired. Try to balance rest periods with some physical activity.
Feeling sick and indigestion
Some people feel sick, especially during the first few weeks of taking megestrol. Tell your doctor if you are affected. They can prescribe treatment to help.
Mood changes
Megestrol may cause changes to your mood. You may feel anxious or restless. You may also have mood swings or problems sleeping. Tell your doctor or nurse if you have any of these side effects. They can make changes to your treatment if the side effects become a problem.
Skin rashes
Some people experience skin rashes. Tell your doctor if this occurs.
Vaginal bleeding in women
Occasionally, women may have light vaginal bleeding (spotting). Let your doctor know if this happens. When you stop taking the drug you may have some bleeding from the vagina, similar to a period.
Occasionally, women may have light vaginal bleeding (spotting). Let your doctor know if this happens. When you stop taking the drug you may have some bleeding from the vagina, similar to a period.
Don't want to put on anymore weight but equally don't want to end up a puddle of water so what to do, maybe not take it, more weight gain would finish me off. urghhhhh its not easy living with this shit.
Wednesday, 13 May 2015
More than just a pretty flower.........
Today's post is about the abundant woodland flower the Bluebell and the potential they have to heal and possibly cure cancer, TB and HIV. Here's some links to articles that explain it in more detail. Certainly is more than just a pretty flower of course all lots of drugs are derived from plants even the breast cancer drug Taxol is derived from the Yew tree. So its not that way out there to believe in the power of the wild flowers that surrounds us and in the ancient belief of healing with herbs, plants and spices.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/bluebells-the-natural-way-to-fight-aids-and-cancer-1138910.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/47711.stm
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/16/timradford
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/bluebells-the-natural-way-to-fight-aids-and-cancer-1138910.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/47711.stm
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/16/timradford
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
New drug for Secondary Breast Cancer patients
Just came across this article it seems someone somewhere hasn't forgotten about us secondary breast cancer patients a new drug has been developed whoop whoop read about it via this link
Thursday, 21 November 2013
I found hope in a hopeless place......
A slight change to the words in Rihanna's song to "I've found hope in a hopeless place" finally someone has experienced the same side effects on Tamoxifen that I have, finally they acknowledge what I've been going, finally I've found some hope....
My ankles hurt and when I say hurt I mean a lot to the extent that when really bad I can't walk apart from the fact that I've put on nearly 5 stone in weight for the first time in my life and I find just getting around hard work, being a size 8 all my life and now an 18+ I was not prepared for this side effect and it seems neither were some of my friends and family. Since the weight gain I've hid out in our flat down in Devon (most of my friends and family live in Somerset), my best friend walked straight past me in the street and I haven't seen that much of her all year. Obviously this has been hugely upsetting but I pushed through it all and finally accepted the new fatter me then the ankle pain started only slight at first now its a real problem making it impossible for me too walk on the bad days and on the good days I hobble around, of course this doesn't help with exercise and trying to loose weight. Here's a copy of a a response from Belinda a fellow breast cancer patient who has given me hope....
Hi Sarah, yes to everything you mentioned.
Something that helps if you have the painful backs of ankle pain I had. Before getting out of bed, lay flat on your back, legs outstretched so you can feel the mattress on the backs of your knees.
Keeping legs still pull toes up towards you, gently, 4 or 5 times. You're gently stretching the ligaments. Sounds a silly little exercise but it helped me with the painful hobble to the bathroom on waking.
I put on 4 stone while on Tamoxifen. I did lose it all when Tamoxifen stopped working for me and I'm now 4-5 dress sizes smaller than when I was at my heaviest. My advice is don't beat yourself up about the weight gain it's not your fault. I became a little bit clever with pretty scarves that could be drapped, tied to distract and disguise. How about an appointment with the pain clinic at your hospital to see if they have something effective and fast acting for the migraines? Take Care..x
My ankles hurt and when I say hurt I mean a lot to the extent that when really bad I can't walk apart from the fact that I've put on nearly 5 stone in weight for the first time in my life and I find just getting around hard work, being a size 8 all my life and now an 18+ I was not prepared for this side effect and it seems neither were some of my friends and family. Since the weight gain I've hid out in our flat down in Devon (most of my friends and family live in Somerset), my best friend walked straight past me in the street and I haven't seen that much of her all year. Obviously this has been hugely upsetting but I pushed through it all and finally accepted the new fatter me then the ankle pain started only slight at first now its a real problem making it impossible for me too walk on the bad days and on the good days I hobble around, of course this doesn't help with exercise and trying to loose weight. Here's a copy of a a response from Belinda a fellow breast cancer patient who has given me hope....
Hi Sarah, yes to everything you mentioned.
Something that helps if you have the painful backs of ankle pain I had. Before getting out of bed, lay flat on your back, legs outstretched so you can feel the mattress on the backs of your knees.Keeping legs still pull toes up towards you, gently, 4 or 5 times. You're gently stretching the ligaments. Sounds a silly little exercise but it helped me with the painful hobble to the bathroom on waking.
I put on 4 stone while on Tamoxifen. I did lose it all when Tamoxifen stopped working for me and I'm now 4-5 dress sizes smaller than when I was at my heaviest. My advice is don't beat yourself up about the weight gain it's not your fault. I became a little bit clever with pretty scarves that could be drapped, tied to distract and disguise. How about an appointment with the pain clinic at your hospital to see if they have something effective and fast acting for the migraines? Take Care..x
I cannot express how much this post means to me it confirms that I'm not going mad, that others are suffering with these severe side effects and that at the end of it all I could loose all the weight I've put on, like the the title of this post I've found some hope......
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Breakdown in the mall.....
Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be. I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!
So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Yoga, lymphedema, menopause
Started back at Yoga today after a break over the half term and I really was feeling it! It really does help if you keep doing it your stamina and flexibility increase and gradually you are able to do things you would never imagine you would be able to, Yoga is really good for you and I recommend anyone who can to join a gentle form of yoga ie: Kundalini or Hatha Yoga. The bunch of ladies that are in my yoga group are so lovely and always ask me how I am, I have told them what has happened to me I decided that they needed to understand why a woman whose not that old (45) was getting so out of breath and knackered doing the exercises, now I don't get the questioning looks from them.
Good news, I think I'm losing weight, finally!!! cutting out dairy and keeping sugary treats like cakes and pastries to a minimum are working, also the yoga with a good walk at least once a week probably has something to do with it. The Clonidine that I was on for my hot flushes I stopped about 4 months ago has finally worn off, there was a multitude of side effects from it one being weight gain and fluid retention, I'm putting up with the hot flushes and actually they aren't that bad at this time of the year, also drinking more nettle tea which helps with fluid retention and I believe is helping me to release all that water, as I've been going to the toilet more often.
The lymphedema on my right hand side of my body is being moved around by the wonderful lymph nurse who gives me a special massage once every 2 weeks also my partner has learned how to do it for me so if its really bad I get him to push it around this massage always makes me want to pee more often as well. I'm no pre-cancer size 8 but at least I'm not putting anymore weight on and feeling swollen all over my tummy, I think my organs were swollen from the chemo and its taken all this time for them to go back to normal, still got a bloody tummy tho but then what menopausal woman hasn't got a tire tummy it appears to be the norm unfortunately.
My girlfriends who haven't been through menopause just don't get it, however I have warned them what is too come, the menopause is definitely not a walk in the park, hormones are so very important for a woman they govern your life you don't realise it until your not producing them anymore or in my case blocking them with drugs.
Day four of taking the beta blockers that my GP prescribed for the migraines and so far so good, don't want to say any more about that just incase I jinx it!!
Love and light to all xxxxx
Good news, I think I'm losing weight, finally!!! cutting out dairy and keeping sugary treats like cakes and pastries to a minimum are working, also the yoga with a good walk at least once a week probably has something to do with it. The Clonidine that I was on for my hot flushes I stopped about 4 months ago has finally worn off, there was a multitude of side effects from it one being weight gain and fluid retention, I'm putting up with the hot flushes and actually they aren't that bad at this time of the year, also drinking more nettle tea which helps with fluid retention and I believe is helping me to release all that water, as I've been going to the toilet more often.
The lymphedema on my right hand side of my body is being moved around by the wonderful lymph nurse who gives me a special massage once every 2 weeks also my partner has learned how to do it for me so if its really bad I get him to push it around this massage always makes me want to pee more often as well. I'm no pre-cancer size 8 but at least I'm not putting anymore weight on and feeling swollen all over my tummy, I think my organs were swollen from the chemo and its taken all this time for them to go back to normal, still got a bloody tummy tho but then what menopausal woman hasn't got a tire tummy it appears to be the norm unfortunately.
My girlfriends who haven't been through menopause just don't get it, however I have warned them what is too come, the menopause is definitely not a walk in the park, hormones are so very important for a woman they govern your life you don't realise it until your not producing them anymore or in my case blocking them with drugs.
Day four of taking the beta blockers that my GP prescribed for the migraines and so far so good, don't want to say any more about that just incase I jinx it!!
Love and light to all xxxxx
Friday, 10 August 2012
Now its my kidneys!!!!!
Today I went for my routine oncology appointment, of course I never get to see my actual oncologist instead I see one of the registrars a russian woman ( FYI I am not a racist and never have been BUT) her english is terrible, so hard to understand what she is saying I have to really concentrate on it also she has a tendency to smirk at me when I am asking her very important questions or discussing side effects! Why would you do that? this is supposed to be a serious conversation! Anyway back to the appointment she told me just as we were leaving last time that my kidneys were showing a above normal high number (whatever the fuck that means!) she told me to drink loads of water and not take Ibuprofen or Aspirin (I don't take these medicines anyway and drink tons of water) and again this time she told me that my creatinine levels were high again she reiterated what she told me last time to drink plenty and not to take certain medicines. I also told her about my migraines, my swollen stomach and back which I now realise is my kidneys, she told me these were all symptoms of going through the menopause and did not seem worried about it, in fact she smirked when I told her!. I'm now a bit worried to say the least as I have googled it and the following post is what I found, its a bit long but if you are in the same position I suggest you take this in.
Acute renal failure is a malfunction of the kidneys so that they are unable to perform their vital functions, one of the most important of which is filtering out waste. Some cancer treatments cause damage to the kidneys that can result in acute kidney failure. Kidney damage is usually reversible if it is carefully managed to control the life-threatening complications. Once the drug or drugs that are causing the kidney damage are stopped, treatment focuses on preventing the excess accumulation of fluid and waste while allowing the kidneys to heal.
What is acute renal failure?
Acute renal failure is a malfunction of the kidneys so that they are unable to perform the vital function of filtering out waste from the blood. Acute renal failure may be caused by decreased blood supply to the kidneys from drugs or infection, direct toxic damage to the kidneys, or by blockage in the urinary system. The most common cause of acute renal failure in cancer patients is damage to the cells in the kidney.
The kidneys are fist-sized organs located in your lower back, near your spine. Their chief functions are to filter out waste products and regulate electrolytes and water levels. When the body breaks down protein from the diet for energy or building tissues, it produces a waste product called urea. Urea circulates in the blood until it is filtered out by the kidneys and excreted in the urine. When the kidneys are not functioning properly, filtration is reduced and urea builds up in the blood. Also, the balance of electrolytes and water cannot be adequately regulated, sometimes resulting in a buildup of potassium, sodium, and fluid.
Kidney damage may also result in increased excretion of protein in the urine. Protein is an important component in our blood that carries food, hormones, and many other things through the body. Under normal conditions, blood proteins do not pass through the kidneys into the urine because they are too big. If you have kidney damage, protein may pass into your urine. Protein in the urine may be a sign of temporary or permanent kidney damage or failure.
What causes kidney damage?
Some chemotherapy drugs and biologic therapies can cause kidney damage. Chemotherapy causes renal dysfunction by damaging the blood vessels or structures of the kidneys. The chemotherapy drugs that are most likely to cause kidney damage are listed below.
Kidney damage occurs in 30 percent or more of patients using the following chemotherapy drugs:
Cytosar-U® (cytarabine)
Gemzar® (gemcitabine)
Ifex® (ifosfamide)
Platinol® (cisplatin)
Proleukin® (interleukin-2)
Zanosar® (streptozocin)
Kidney damage occurs in 10 percent to 29 percent of patients using the following chemotherapy drugs:
Alimta® (pemetrexed)
Eloxatin® (oxaliplatin)
Mithracin® (plicamycin)
Mylotarg® (gemtuzumab ozogamicin)
Neutrexin® (trimetrexate)
Paraplatin® (carboplatin)
Rheumatrex® (methotrexate)
What are the symptoms of kidney damage?
You may not have any symptoms of kidney damage. However, you should notify your doctor if you exhibit any of the following:
Decrease in amount of urine or frequency
Pain or urgency with urination
Dark urine
Blood in your urine
Fatigue
Muscle weakness
Swelling in your feet or ankles
Nausea or vomiting
Confusion, seizure
Notify your doctor immediately if your urine output decreases or stops.
How is kidney damage diagnosed?
1. Blood levels of two products of normal body function, blood urea nitrogen and creatinine, are used to diagnose kidney problems.
Blood urea nitrogen (BUN) - The waste product from the breakdown of protein is called urea. Urea circulates in the blood until it is filtered out by the kidneys and excreted in the urine. If the kidneys are not functioning properly, there will be excess urea in the bloodstream. Under normal conditions, BUN levels range from 10 to 25 mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) of blood.
Creatinine - Some of the energy for your muscles is derived from burning a substance called creatine. Creatinine is the waste product left after the breakdown of creatine. The kidneys are normally able to filter out large amounts of creatinine on a daily basis. However, when your kidneys are not functioning properly, your creatinine levels will increase. Under normal conditions, creatinine levels range from 0.7 to 1.4 mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) of blood.
2. Urine changes are frequently seen as a result of kidney damage. Bloody or turbid urine or a major decrease or increase in the amount of urine you produce may indicate kidney damage. A urinalysis done by a laboratory often will show changes that are characteristic of kidney damage. For example, an increase in red blood cells, white blood cells, protein, or casts (abnormal structures in your urine) are frequent signs of kidney damage.
How is kidney damage treated?
Kidney damage is usually reversible, if it is carefully managed to control the life-threatening complications. Once the drug or drugs that are causing the kidney damage are stopped, treatment focuses on preventing the excess accumulation of fluids and wastes while allowing the kidneys to heal. This may be achieved in several ways, including diuretics, sodium polystyrene sulfonate, diet modification, dialysis, or drugs.
Diuretics - Commonly known as water pills. Your doctor may prescribe a diuretic to increase the amount of water you excrete in the urine. A commonly used diuretic is Lasix® (furosemide).
Sodium polystyrene sulfonate - This medication helps lower the amount of potassium in your blood by binding with the potassium in your stomach or gut so that you excrete it. This medication is administered by mouth or in an enema. Brand names include Kayexcalate® and Kionex®.
Diet modification - Your doctor may recommend that you restrict substances that are normally excreted by the kidney. This may include food high in protein, sodium (salt), and potassium.
Dialysis - Dialysis is the use of a machine to remove excess waste and fluid. Your blood is routed through the dialysis machine then back into your body. Dialysis is not necessary for every patient, but may be lifesaving, particularly if you have very high levels of potassium and urea in your blood.
Drugs - Ethyol® (amifostine), sodium thiosulfate, and diethyldithiocarbamate may help prevent or reduce the kidney toxicity associated with Platinol® (cisplatin).
How can kidney damage be prevented?
The best measure for preventing kidney damage is to avoid treatments that cause it. Under certain circumstances, your doctor may also apply the following approaches:
Urinary alkalization and hydration - Urinary alkalization and increased hydration provides protection against kidney damage caused by Rheumatrex® (methotrexate).
Ethyol® (amifostine) - Clinical trials have shown that amifostine protects against kidney toxicity related to cisplatin chemotherapy.
It is a good idea to increase fluid intake the day before, of, and after receiving a chemotherapy treatment to help flush the byproducts out of your body.
Acute renal failure is a malfunction of the kidneys so that they are unable to perform their vital functions, one of the most important of which is filtering out waste. Some cancer treatments cause damage to the kidneys that can result in acute kidney failure. Kidney damage is usually reversible if it is carefully managed to control the life-threatening complications. Once the drug or drugs that are causing the kidney damage are stopped, treatment focuses on preventing the excess accumulation of fluid and waste while allowing the kidneys to heal.
What is acute renal failure?
Acute renal failure is a malfunction of the kidneys so that they are unable to perform the vital function of filtering out waste from the blood. Acute renal failure may be caused by decreased blood supply to the kidneys from drugs or infection, direct toxic damage to the kidneys, or by blockage in the urinary system. The most common cause of acute renal failure in cancer patients is damage to the cells in the kidney.
The kidneys are fist-sized organs located in your lower back, near your spine. Their chief functions are to filter out waste products and regulate electrolytes and water levels. When the body breaks down protein from the diet for energy or building tissues, it produces a waste product called urea. Urea circulates in the blood until it is filtered out by the kidneys and excreted in the urine. When the kidneys are not functioning properly, filtration is reduced and urea builds up in the blood. Also, the balance of electrolytes and water cannot be adequately regulated, sometimes resulting in a buildup of potassium, sodium, and fluid.
Kidney damage may also result in increased excretion of protein in the urine. Protein is an important component in our blood that carries food, hormones, and many other things through the body. Under normal conditions, blood proteins do not pass through the kidneys into the urine because they are too big. If you have kidney damage, protein may pass into your urine. Protein in the urine may be a sign of temporary or permanent kidney damage or failure.
What causes kidney damage?
Some chemotherapy drugs and biologic therapies can cause kidney damage. Chemotherapy causes renal dysfunction by damaging the blood vessels or structures of the kidneys. The chemotherapy drugs that are most likely to cause kidney damage are listed below.
Kidney damage occurs in 30 percent or more of patients using the following chemotherapy drugs:
Cytosar-U® (cytarabine)
Gemzar® (gemcitabine)
Ifex® (ifosfamide)
Platinol® (cisplatin)
Proleukin® (interleukin-2)
Zanosar® (streptozocin)
Kidney damage occurs in 10 percent to 29 percent of patients using the following chemotherapy drugs:
Alimta® (pemetrexed)
Eloxatin® (oxaliplatin)
Mithracin® (plicamycin)
Mylotarg® (gemtuzumab ozogamicin)
Neutrexin® (trimetrexate)
Paraplatin® (carboplatin)
Rheumatrex® (methotrexate)
What are the symptoms of kidney damage?
You may not have any symptoms of kidney damage. However, you should notify your doctor if you exhibit any of the following:
Decrease in amount of urine or frequency
Pain or urgency with urination
Dark urine
Blood in your urine
Fatigue
Muscle weakness
Swelling in your feet or ankles
Nausea or vomiting
Confusion, seizure
Notify your doctor immediately if your urine output decreases or stops.
How is kidney damage diagnosed?
1. Blood levels of two products of normal body function, blood urea nitrogen and creatinine, are used to diagnose kidney problems.
Blood urea nitrogen (BUN) - The waste product from the breakdown of protein is called urea. Urea circulates in the blood until it is filtered out by the kidneys and excreted in the urine. If the kidneys are not functioning properly, there will be excess urea in the bloodstream. Under normal conditions, BUN levels range from 10 to 25 mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) of blood.
Creatinine - Some of the energy for your muscles is derived from burning a substance called creatine. Creatinine is the waste product left after the breakdown of creatine. The kidneys are normally able to filter out large amounts of creatinine on a daily basis. However, when your kidneys are not functioning properly, your creatinine levels will increase. Under normal conditions, creatinine levels range from 0.7 to 1.4 mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) of blood.
2. Urine changes are frequently seen as a result of kidney damage. Bloody or turbid urine or a major decrease or increase in the amount of urine you produce may indicate kidney damage. A urinalysis done by a laboratory often will show changes that are characteristic of kidney damage. For example, an increase in red blood cells, white blood cells, protein, or casts (abnormal structures in your urine) are frequent signs of kidney damage.
How is kidney damage treated?
Kidney damage is usually reversible, if it is carefully managed to control the life-threatening complications. Once the drug or drugs that are causing the kidney damage are stopped, treatment focuses on preventing the excess accumulation of fluids and wastes while allowing the kidneys to heal. This may be achieved in several ways, including diuretics, sodium polystyrene sulfonate, diet modification, dialysis, or drugs.
Diuretics - Commonly known as water pills. Your doctor may prescribe a diuretic to increase the amount of water you excrete in the urine. A commonly used diuretic is Lasix® (furosemide).
Sodium polystyrene sulfonate - This medication helps lower the amount of potassium in your blood by binding with the potassium in your stomach or gut so that you excrete it. This medication is administered by mouth or in an enema. Brand names include Kayexcalate® and Kionex®.
Diet modification - Your doctor may recommend that you restrict substances that are normally excreted by the kidney. This may include food high in protein, sodium (salt), and potassium.
Dialysis - Dialysis is the use of a machine to remove excess waste and fluid. Your blood is routed through the dialysis machine then back into your body. Dialysis is not necessary for every patient, but may be lifesaving, particularly if you have very high levels of potassium and urea in your blood.
Drugs - Ethyol® (amifostine), sodium thiosulfate, and diethyldithiocarbamate may help prevent or reduce the kidney toxicity associated with Platinol® (cisplatin).
How can kidney damage be prevented?
The best measure for preventing kidney damage is to avoid treatments that cause it. Under certain circumstances, your doctor may also apply the following approaches:
Urinary alkalization and hydration - Urinary alkalization and increased hydration provides protection against kidney damage caused by Rheumatrex® (methotrexate).
Ethyol® (amifostine) - Clinical trials have shown that amifostine protects against kidney toxicity related to cisplatin chemotherapy.
It is a good idea to increase fluid intake the day before, of, and after receiving a chemotherapy treatment to help flush the byproducts out of your body.
Still reading? mind blowing! its so complicated and serious and I was just brushed off like it was an everyday occurrence, unbelievable! I have another appointment booked for 2 months time on the 12th of October when they will probably do another CT scan, I'm now going to look into it further and see if there is anything I can do for myself like diet etc. When I have researched thoroughly I will post my findings.
Friday, 15 June 2012
Promising new drugs.......
Smart Bomb lets blast breast cancer off the face of the earth YEA! Check this link out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-hBh8o5MNU&feature=player_embedded
Fascinating new drug here's the link http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/news/archive/cancernews/2012-06-13-Cancer-fighting-virus-piggybacks-on-blood-cells
xxx
Fascinating new drug here's the link http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/news/archive/cancernews/2012-06-13-Cancer-fighting-virus-piggybacks-on-blood-cells
xxx
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Note to self... Can I come back as a cat in the next life....
Feeling perky today, went into town shopping for some of those shape-up shoes only too find none in my size in TK Maxx and I'm not buying them anywhere else cause they are way too much money at £89 quid in TK's they are only £20. Made an appointment with the lovely lady on the 'Bare Minerals' counter for a make over as this range is paraben free and basically trying to take my mind off the fact that I get my CT scan results on friday....no its not working I'm not taking my mind off anything only kidding myself.
Anyway back to the title of this post, thats right gonna come back as a cat in the next life please cause they got it good, here's some pics of my gorgeous pair, my partner Lee bought Mitzi a Bengal for me nearly 4 years ago only too find that he'd bought a pregnant cat we let her have her kittens and found great homes for all of them, we kept one and named him Ted he's massive and looks a bit like a Maine Coon breed of cat, I love them both so very much. Mitzi is my constant companion, she would sit with me when I was going through the awful chemo and keeps me company on my off days, besides the fact that she knew something was wrong with me she kept nudging and sniffing the affected armpit and breast. Anyway here's the promised pics xx
Anyway back to the title of this post, thats right gonna come back as a cat in the next life please cause they got it good, here's some pics of my gorgeous pair, my partner Lee bought Mitzi a Bengal for me nearly 4 years ago only too find that he'd bought a pregnant cat we let her have her kittens and found great homes for all of them, we kept one and named him Ted he's massive and looks a bit like a Maine Coon breed of cat, I love them both so very much. Mitzi is my constant companion, she would sit with me when I was going through the awful chemo and keeps me company on my off days, besides the fact that she knew something was wrong with me she kept nudging and sniffing the affected armpit and breast. Anyway here's the promised pics xx
Monday, 4 June 2012
Banging headache
So after a lovely evening on friday talking about Leylines and meeting new friends, woke up with a banging headache again..... took some paracetamol/codeine which knocked me out and put in no position to go over to Lee's parents for the bar-b-que so spent the day by myself dozing on the pills and watching the jubilee pageant on the tv, starting to worry about the headaches I always used to suffer with migraines before getting breast cancer I always put it down to hormonal headaches that accompanied my monthly periods, obviously now that I am in early menopause (thanks to chemo and tamoxifen) I don't get periods and so the migraines stopped for a while, started getting them back every month and figured they were the same old migraines I had before, had a really bad episode whilst at the hospital back in Jan (see post 'day from hell') had a quick emergency ct on the brain which showed nothing bad but am starting to worry they are something more sinister it's such a nightmare. Will be going to a appointment on Friday to get the result's of a routine check of the neck and torso ct done last month so will mention the migraines then.
Beautiful weather today, typical that it was raining for the Jubilee parade yesterday, oh well the sun shines today and my headache has nearly gone.
xx
Beautiful weather today, typical that it was raining for the Jubilee parade yesterday, oh well the sun shines today and my headache has nearly gone.
xx
Thursday, 12 April 2012
New Treatments Wonder Drug = little bit of positivity and hope
Going to start this post with a couple of positive news articles about the big C, I for one found them so hopeful and inspiring we are truly lucky to live in times when our clever Dr's can treat us and keep us alive for longer, surely the cure is just round the corner.
Just had a phone call from my mum telling me about an article in the Daily Mail on the 9th of April all about a new wonder drug that is supposed to be even better than herceptin, its being heralded as the new wonder drug, and can treat not only breast cancer but other cancers like prostrate, pancreatic, bowel, and ovarian cancers.
Here's the link http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2073280/Cancer-treatment-New-super-vaccine-better-wonder-drug-Herceptin.html and http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2127238/Universal-vaccine-tackle-90-cent-cancers-tested-humans-time.html
There is also these two links kindly sent to me by a lady on the BCC forum probing into the science behind it all the first one is quite easy to understand and the second one just went way over my head. http://medicalxpress.com/news/2011-12-vaccine-breast-cancer-mice.html
http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2011/12/13/1115166109.abstract
Whilst on the subject and worth a watch on the iplayer the Horizon program called "Defeating Cancer" definately worth checking it out if you missed it.http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2011/12/13/1115166109.abstract
xx
Sunday, 8 January 2012
New Year Resolutions
My resolutions for this year 2012 are:
1. To get healthy and be cancer free
2. Enjoy life, smile and feel happiness
3. Stay away from negative hurtful people
4. Visit my spiritual home more often (Glastonbury)
5. Stick to juice diet/supplements
6. Produce more art works
7. To go with the flow
8. Go for CBT Cognitive Behavorial Therapy
9. Be kind to myself
10. Accept help where needed
11. Start Yoga or walk everyday
12. Adopt a kinder more sympathetic attitude
1. To get healthy and be cancer free
2. Enjoy life, smile and feel happiness
3. Stay away from negative hurtful people
4. Visit my spiritual home more often (Glastonbury)
5. Stick to juice diet/supplements
6. Produce more art works
7. To go with the flow
8. Go for CBT Cognitive Behavorial Therapy
9. Be kind to myself
10. Accept help where needed
11. Start Yoga or walk everyday
12. Adopt a kinder more sympathetic attitude
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Retail Therapy
I am much better than I was at the weekend and I am sorry for my last post or if it upset anyone I just had to vent my rage and anger.
So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it. I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.
More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.
So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it. I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.
More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.
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