Finally a Hot Flush Fixer!!!!

After trying a myriad of methods, treatments and therapies to rid myself of the dreaded sweating, nausea, and hot hot hot feeling (not in a good sunbathing way), I've finally think I may of found something its called Magnesium Citrate and is available from all good health shops you need a high dose not more than 350 mgs a day but it really really works, I've not had one so far today, usually I would be on hot flush and symptoms no 11 by now sometimes even worse, like every 5mins! It was getting ridiculous, to the point of wanting to live in a cold shower or just lie down and die! which I know sounds stupid but honestly this thing the menopause is no joke and for some of us doomed to suffer either from a natural menopause or a chemically induced one it affects all areas of your life. Making you so depressed you just want to end it all. Please don't underestimate how shit it makes you feel its NOT as suggested to me like going to a hot country and sunning yourself, its horrific.

Any women reading this and think they have tried everything just try this Magnesium Citrate not only does it help with your hot flushes it also helps with feeling tired and helps you if your constipated, I honestly can't recommend this enough.

The month where if anybody says the P word to me I'll scream

Yes its that time of year again the air is cooler (thank god my hot flushes are off the scale!), the nights are drawing in, the leaves are falling all of these things I love but what I don't like is the bloody way people now call October Pinktober or words to that effect.... it makes my blood boil! Good natured well meaning people are duped into buying a product because it has the breast cancer logo splashed all over it and coloured it pink, what these good people don't realise is only a tiny amount of the money taken for the product actually goes to the breast cancer charity, hardly anything at all, certainly not enough to make a massive difference it just means that every October these companies get extra exposure under the cover of charity. Its a massive marketing campaign and yet again is clouded by money.

Back to the reality of living with secondary breast cancer, last week I had my flu jab (as I am immune compromised) which made me feel terrible I spent the whole week in bed, feeling very sick, achey (more than the usual) and plagued by migraines......the bain of my life. Today I awoke to the sinking feeling where I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and then the head throbs back on the sumatriptan and knock out drops....... just woke up and the whole flipping day has gone again.

Saw my GP last week and am to have another blood test for the thyroid so onwards and upwards, will keep you all informed if it does work out to be the thyroid gland.

Still feeling hot hot hot! but my lovely GP has upped the anti-depressants to 20mg a day so that should start taking effect shortly on the flushes that are the second bain of my life.

Best get on with whatever I have left of today.

Anti-depressant UPDATE

Ok its been a week since I started taking the anti-depressant Citrolapam and so far so good, the hot flushes are more severe when they do occur BUT they aren't as frequent as they were before and are seemingly becoming less so YAY to that, people seem to think that a hot flush is an innocent problem that can be tolerated I beg to differ on that hot flushes when extreme are embarrassing making you red in the face, the heat in your face and head makes you feel physically sick to the point on occasion where I have actually thrown up! So innocent is not a word I would use to describe them, it actually feels like your burning in the depths of hell, its quite simply put horrendous I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Of course most woman who go through the normal menopause wont suffer this extreme kind which were brought on by chemo and perpetuated by the massive drugs I am on to block estrogen. I hope that with time they will completely disappear and leave me the fuck alone! I've also noticed that my appetite is diminishing another YAY to that lets hope that I get to lose some of this god awful weight gain and start to look like me again. The only downside to this drug I've encountered so far is that I'm not sleeping as well as I did I am hoping this will go away as time goes on. Knackered is an understatement.

Oh and joy of joys I'm due another Zoladex implant my my how time flies 3 months have just flicked by!

If you can't take the heat.........

Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....

A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!

Cancer is fucking bollox.

Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!

Here we go again hot hot hot.......

Yep you guessed it they are back with revenge hot flushes sort of disappeared for a couple of months and then wham all of a sudden they return with full force in fact they are worse than ever! Before I'd get hot sweat a bit and then it would stop these buggers apparently triggered by the Zoladex (and exasperated by the summer) are the mother of all hot flushes I've experienced whole days of feeling like my entire body is constantly on a hot flush I kid you not this is utter hell!!! So today when the up beat nurse enquired if all was ok on Zoladex I replied no actually I am living in a perpetual burning hell to which she looked at me with that oh I'm so sorry look and promptly went off to discuss with my consultant. (I don't usually moan to them in the hospital about things but I  am glad I didn't do the usual and say" yeah every things fine" NOT!!!  When she returned from the chat with my Onc. it was suggested I go on Megace progesterone tablet apparently this will stop the hot flushes in there tracks BUT as always there are side effects including my pet hate of more fucking weight gain urghhhhh........ and bloody migraines........wonderful so I wont feel like my whole body is on fire anymore but the downside is I wont be able to function ie: move about because of the incredible weight gain and I probably wont be able to get out of bed anyway because of the bloody migraine. Not sure what to do maybe I should try the Megace and monitor whether the weight is piling on if so stop taking it oh what a conundrum and one I'd rather not have to make, who'd of thought I'd be pondering this shit eh!!! 

Here's what it says on the Macmillan site about the drug:

Megestrol can also be used to improve symptoms such as hot flushes or loss of appetite. Hormones are substances produced naturally in the body. They act as chemical messengers and help control the activity of cells and organs. Hormonal therapies interfere with the way hormones are made or how they work in the body.

Many cancers rely on hormones to grow. Megestrol is a drug that is similar to the female sex hormone progesterone. It may work by interfering with the hormone balance in the body, which may stop the cancer growing. It may also act directly on cancer cells so that they can’t grow.

Your doctor will discuss the length of treatment that they feel is appropriate for your situation. Treatment may continue for as long as it is effective in controlling your cancer.

and the possible side effects drawing attention to the text highlighted in Red:

We explain the most common side effects of megestrol here. But we don’t include all the rare ones that are unlikely to affect you. You may get some of the side effects we mention, but you are very unlikely to get all of them. If you are having other drugs as well, you may have some side effects that we don’t list here.

Always tell your cancer doctor or nurse about the side effects you have. They can prescribe drugs to help control some side effects and they can give you advice about managing them.

Increased appetite
The most common side effect is feeling hungrier than usual, which may cause you to gain weight. This effect on your appetite will go away when you stop taking the drug. If you’re worried about gaining weight, talk to your doctor or nurse.

Sometimes megestrol is used to help improve appetite in people who have lost interest in food and are losing weight. 

Swollen hands, feet and ankles
Your hands, feet and ankles may swell because of fluid building up in them. This is not harmful, but can be uncomfortable. Tell your doctor or nurse if you notice any swelling. The swelling will get better after your treatment ends.

Tiredness
You may feel tired and lack energy while taking megestrol. Pace yourself if you feel tired. Try to balance rest periods with some physical activity.
Feeling sick and indigestion

Some people feel sick, especially during the first few weeks of taking megestrol. Tell your doctor if you are affected. They can prescribe treatment to help.

Mood changes
Megestrol may cause changes to your mood. You may feel anxious or restless. You may also have mood swings or problems sleeping. Tell your doctor or nurse if you have any of these side effects. They can make changes to your treatment if the side effects become a problem.
Skin rashes

Some people experience skin rashes. Tell your doctor if this occurs.

Vaginal bleeding in women
Occasionally, women may have light vaginal bleeding (spotting). Let your doctor know if this happens. When you stop taking the drug you may have some bleeding from the vagina, similar to a period.

Don't want to put on anymore weight but equally don't want to end up a puddle of water so what to do, maybe not take it, more weight gain would finish me off. urghhhhh its not easy living with this shit.

Back to business as usual.... Zoladex

Tomorrow I get my 2nd shot of Zoladex the first hit wasn't good and now I am dreading this next one. Its not the injection got over my fear of needles back in 2011 when having chemo and the continued Herceptin no its the size of the fucker. It's massive I mean this thing is huge. Of course now I know what to expect I am expecting horrendous pain urghhh life doesn't get any easier. The last shot did work immediately and stopped the dammed period and I haven't had any period pain since that last one so reckon it could of closed the ovaries down for good. Which would be a blessed relief and one less trip to the hospital every month. Looking forward to going out with my best friend afterwards for a small shopping trip there's always a silver lining.

Update - Thanks to the Tamoxifen tire around my middle I didn't even feel the needle go in this time last time it did hurt, so all in all pleased with that. Suppose there's got to be some compensation for having a fat tummy eh!!!

Still weighing up the pro's and con's of having ovaries removed. Here's an interesting article in The Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3031006/The-hell-surgical-menopause-s-not-just-Angelina-Jolie-women-opting-life-saving-operations-carry-cruel-price.html
which goes into the nightmare side effects of a forced surgical, early, menopause. I am and have been in menopause for the past 4 years ever since that first chemo injection the hot flushes have been horrendous this isn't just a little bit of heat its a full on pressure cooker on fire, turning bright red in the face so everyone looks at you with that quizzical "whats wrong with you" face on, the sweat pouring down your face, feeling really sick so bad I have to take anti-sickness meds, sticking my head in the freezer is about the only way of relieving the effects and I'm 4 years down the road. I'm wondering if I do have my ovaries out if the menopausal side effects will continue or even dare I say it get worse!!!! All considerations and questions to ask Onc. as well as possibly asking to have other massive breast removed as I feel so out of balance and hate hate hate the remaining breast. Lots to ask on the next appointment.

Zoladex v Oophorectomy

A week ago after 4 years in menopause my body decided to have a last hurrah and I had a period WTF!! I have never felt so low honestly even when I was dx I didn't feel this low but I was really really down, suicidal and depressed then I started to get the old period pains and thought eh up what's this! then I got the period fairly light but so dammed painful. All of a sudden things started to click into place I hadn't had a blasted hot flush for at least a week, my skin was incredibly spotty and I was feeling like I used to feel before I got dx utterly depressed obviously I was producing oestrogen and whilst I would love not to have the menopausal symptoms I definitely wouldn't want to swap it for the period related symptoms and the obvious one cancer! So reluctantly I phoned my onc's secretary told her she relayed this to Onc. who got her to phone me back with an immediate appt. the following day, wonders will never cease! The discussion was how to deal with the period and it was decided that I've to add yet another fucking drug to my arsenal of Zoladex implant. This consists of a heavy duty needle injected into your tummy (thank fuck for the tire around my stomach otherwise it would of been horrendously painful) I'm to have a low dose at first for the first 3 injections every 3 weeks then every 3 months thereafter. Urghhhhhh.............. 

So within hours the period stopped and I started to feel less agitated anxious and depressed I was ultra surprised at how quickly this thing works! Straight away the old hot flushes returned and the headaches were back but at least I didn't feel suicidal! However, I'm thinking whats the point in having these injections why not just have the buggers removed? I'm now trying to figure out what the pros and cons of having such an operation would entail and how it would affect my life afterwards. Weirdly enough Angelina Jolie Pitt has just had this very same operation in her attempts to thwart the getting cancer (she has an incredibly high risk to getting both breast and ovarian cancer) she's had them out and is now on hormonal patches to help with the menopausal side effects. Of course for us breast cancer hormonal ladies having HRT by way of patches or anything else is not an option so its like going cold turkey with nothing to alleviate the effects BUT I have been going through this menopausal thing for 4 years already surely this shit stops at some point!!!! I need to work this thing out when I have more info I will post it and list the pro's and con's it might help someone else who is faced with this dilemma.

The end of Clonidine....

I was prescribed the drug Clonidine nearly a year ago to help with my extreme hot flushes and migraines, initially it worked wonders but recently stopped working and I had to increase from 4 a day to 6 a day, finally I've realised that I am suffering a multitude of side effects associated with the use of Clonidine so a couple of days ago I decided to stop taking the drug, I realise I should of stopped it gradually over a week or so but just don't want to put any more of that shit into my system so I stopped taking it 2 days ago. The side effects I have been suffering from are numerous and horrible! To name a few weight gain as well as fluid retention and swelling being the main offenders, also dizziness which explains why I have been falling over such a lot recently, blurred vision, heart palpitations and finally the hot flushes are creeping back, ironically since I stopped using the dam drug my hot flushes have become less! although this could be something to do with the cold frosty weather but still not as many hot flushes. I reckon I've lost about half a stone since I stopped using the drug and basically that was just in water retention! other side effects worth a mention are hair loss (like I need to loose anymore hair!!) and insomnia which explains why I've finally been getting a good nights sleep since finishing the dammed drug. Oh god it never stops, its just one nightmare after another, I am now going to persevere without the dammed Clonidine and see if I can loose some weight and get a bit fitter. If I find anything natural that reduces the hot flushes all the better and of course I shall keep you all informed.

Sore Skin, Egyptian Mummy

Finished the rads last wednesday YAY, skin feeling sore and tight not so yay :0(  also had another 2 day migrane/nausea going to see my onc on Monday the 6th Feb so will discuss this with him as well as the severe hot flushes/night sweats causing me to wake-up, the neuropathy (nerve damage) in both feet and hands, the incessant dry coughing, and the back/shoulder pains. Busy making a list to take in with me as I do forget things, now that the chemo has fogged my brain. Totally wiped out! Feel constantly tired and fatigued. So just waiting now for the next CT scan to see if all this treatment has worked, praying that everything is still 'tiny and stable' just like before xmas or better yet NED (no evidence of disease).

I feel like I'm living on the edge of my nerves most of the time emotionally fraught, its not the cancer its the thought and the knowledge that it will eventually kill me, the best analogie is its like watching a 10 ton truck hurtling towards you and not being physically able to get out of the way, people say things like "you could get run over by a bus" "none of us know when our time is up" at least if I was going to be hit by a bus I would be killed instantly and not have the agonizing knowledge of my impeding death, these statements even though they are well meaning actually are a huge cop out of facing whats actually wrong with me, lets face it they would not be saying any of those things if I did not have cancer, I suppose people try to go around the issue of cancer by using those excuses, it's like when someone say's one of those one liners to me its a way of shuting me up, and not facing whats wrong with me probably because I don't look ill they just cannot correlate that I am terminally ill.

Then theirs the people that just avoid me cause they either cannot cope with it or just don't know what else to say again these people mean well to a certain extent but why does it make me feel like I've done this on purpose just to make everyone feel uncomfortable or upset of course I know I have not done this intentionally no one knows why anyone gets cancer or as my oncologist put it "if we knew what caused cancer we would have a cure" its the scourge of society and has been for a very very long time. I read recently that an egyptian mummy was put through a CT scanner and they found tumors on the prostate/pelvis and spine of the unfortunate individual indicating that they had died of cancer interesting read heres the link http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2093675/2-200-year-old-Egyptian-mummy-prostate-cancer.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
end of today's annoyance and back to the beautiful wintery sunny day outside.
Love to all
XXX

PJ's and sofa day

Today not feeling so good been camped out on the sofa all day, woke up really early with massive hot flush that persisted throughout the day in fact the whole day was one massive fucking hot flush, the only thing that gives me any respite from it is to stick my head in the freezer/fridge or out of the window, anyone who thinks that hot flushes are doable have got to be kidding me, I mean seriously it really is the final straw,  I'm sat here with sweat pouring off of me whilst I type this, I was supposed to see my oncologist this week as part of the rads appointments but he was off ill and is now off on holiday so can't ask him about taking sage tea and fig leaf tea for the hot flushes, everything I take has to be ok'd by him for fear of it interfering with the tamoxifen or adding to my estrogen (my cancer is estrogen rich meaning it feeds off my estrogen), so stuck with not being able to take anything for the dam hot flushes until I speak to him, I did go on the forum and ask the ladies on there about sage and fig leaf tea but did'nt get many responses and the ones I did get seem to conflict nobody seems to know whether or not it is safe for me to take sage/fig leaf tea with the medication I am on, I was prescribed anti-depressants for the hot flushes but after taking only one I was near suicidal and decided to refrain from taking them and try natural alternatives instead, hence my day on the sofa in my pj's on and off sleeping with a sort of headache that has not materialized into anything yet but my head still feels fuzzy, I have taken 2 paracetamol/codeine tablets and an anti-sickness tablet just in case I had a repeat of sickness day I experienced a couple of weeks ago. I really really hope that this is just a side effect of the rads or rads fatigue that I am experiencing and not another hormonal migrane problem. God when will this shit ever end!!! Only three more radio sessions left next week then thats over and done with stroll on wednesday!