Signs and the Peony flower

Its been a week since I learned the fantastic news about being NED (see post below) and its finally sunk in I feel like I'm in a weird kind of limbo land getting rid or the lung mets has been my driving force for nearly 3 years and its not like I'm stopping any treatment any time soon still on Herceptin forever and Tamoxifen for at least 5 years (2 and half years so far) so you see whilst the mets have gone I'm still living with the effects of cancer and its drugs so its not like I can be totally free of it and of course there's that Liver thing, still no word from the Onc on that one but will keep you updated as soon as I hear from them.

Its been beautiful weather this week all the flowers are out which is very unusual for this time of year normally we only see the delicate and beautiful Snowdrop this year the woods are carpeted in them its like the Snowdrop's are in direct competition with the Bluebells that normally cover the woodland floor. As well as the Snowdrop's we have loads of Daff's, Primroses, Crocus's and Violets I love seeing the flowers but worry that its all too soon and its still warm the amount of ground frost we've had this year you can count on one hand.

Getting back to my constant battle with the drugs. Before I was dx I never took any form of tablet so since all this has happened I feel like I'm a right pill popper lol. Its Tamoxifen again and the terrible hot flushes I say the hot flushes but its all of the side effects from this dam drug that really pull me down. I was considering taking a drug break from it or even stopping taking it altogether, until I learned the news of being NED this has now changed everything, I can't stop taking the drug it could be the one thing or the combo of Herceptin and Tamoxifen that is keeping me cancer free so as much as I hate it and all thats its doing to my poor body I've got to try and cultivate a better attitude to it.

I'm trying to address all the side effects and deal with them all so that I can get on with taking it for the remaining 2 and a half years. To start with I'm dealing with the weight gain going from a size 8-18 in the space of 2 and a half years is no joke. I was shopping in a charity shop the other day and a lady working in there decided to take it upon herself to show me where the size 18+ clothes rail was needless to say this upset me for the rest of the day. So no more carbs that includes white potatoes, any kind of rice, or pasta and bread its all going out. Initially I was good with the carbs but its slowly crept back into the diet so a total veto of all these things should help the weight loss. I'm also walking for at least an hour and a half each day and feel better for it. I stopped going to Yoga because I was puffing and panting and could not get up off the floor very easily and others members tended to stare at me like I'd arrived from another planet (little do they know I have its called planet c), now that I've started walking again I am going to try and aim for going back to Yoga and might practice it alone at home for a while.

The next side effect that needs desperate attention is the hot flushes these are extreme although for some ladies its not that bad. Mine are horrific, I instantly feel very nauseous then I visibly sweat and go beetroot in the face it wakes me up in the middle of night and generally makes me feel ill. Its got to stop. I thought it would get better as time wore on but its got worse. To date I've tried wearing a Ladycare Magnet which worked for around 6 months but then stopped working, also stopped drinking tea and coffee (only use decaf) this works but if on the odd occasion I do have a proper cup of tea or coffee the hot flushes are 100% worse almost immediately! Supplements I've taken include Sage, Vitamin E, Evening Primrose Oil all of them dont work for me. Onc. told me not to take Black Cohosh or Red Clover as these interfere with the effectiveness of the Tamxoifen. In the beginning I was offered anti-depressants but found after only taking one that I was a suicidal mess and stopped straight away also was offered Megace but a side effect is weight gain to which I popped the box directly in the bin. I was taking the drug Clonidine for my hot flushes and again this worked but had the added undesirable side effect of making me collapse I had so many falls I stopped taking it. Onc. told me he had run out of drugs for me to try to stop the hot flushes so I've given up asking him.

In view of all I've said in the previous chapter I have now finally found something that could work. Its not available in any shop except on line due to the law changing on herbs and herbal medicine my local health food shop cant sell it but I have managed to get some online and await its delivery with anticipation. Its Peony Tincture apparently according to my very knowledgeable health food shop owner its very effective for ladies where Sage has failed. Unlike Sage it works on the body's thermostat rather than hormonally which is a huge added plus. I also wanted to add that weirdly enough the day before I found out about Peony Tincture I was out looking for this plant and didn't really know why I came home with a bunch of Red Peony flowers and put them in a vase I've since learned that the Peony they use is Red so something prompted me to go out and buy these flowers and I believe this is a sign from spirit guiding to something that will help me. We need to listen to our instincts and act upon them especially if they keep coming into our focus. I cant wait for my tincture to arrive it cost £15 delivered which isn't too bad but I'm going to look into this further, if it works then I'm going to attempt to make my own, will keep you all posted on this one.

Love and light to you all xxxxx

Yoga, lymphedema, menopause

Started back at Yoga today after a break over the half term and I really was feeling it! It really does help if you keep doing it your stamina and flexibility increase and gradually you are able to do things you would never imagine you would be able to, Yoga is really good for you and I recommend anyone who can to join a gentle form of yoga ie: Kundalini or Hatha Yoga. The bunch of ladies that are in my yoga group are so lovely and always ask me how I am, I have told them what has happened to me I decided that they needed to understand why a woman whose not that old (45) was getting so out of breath and knackered doing the exercises, now I don't get the questioning looks from them.

Good news, I think I'm losing weight, finally!!! cutting out dairy and keeping sugary treats like cakes and pastries to a minimum are working, also the yoga with a good walk at least once a week probably has something to do with it. The Clonidine that I was on for my hot flushes I stopped about 4 months ago has finally worn off, there was a multitude of side effects from it one being weight gain and fluid retention, I'm putting up with the hot flushes and actually they aren't that bad at this time of the year, also drinking more nettle tea which helps with fluid retention and I believe is helping me to release all that water, as I've been going to the toilet more often.

The lymphedema on my right hand side of my body is being moved around by the wonderful lymph nurse who gives me a special massage once every 2 weeks also my partner has learned how to do it for me so if its really bad I get him to push it around this massage always makes me want to pee more often as well. I'm no pre-cancer size 8 but at least I'm not putting anymore weight on and feeling swollen all over my tummy, I think my organs were swollen from the chemo and its taken all this time for them to go back to normal, still got a bloody tummy tho but then what menopausal woman hasn't got a tire tummy it appears to be the norm unfortunately.

My girlfriends who haven't been through menopause just don't get it, however I have warned them what is too come, the menopause is definitely not a walk in the park, hormones are so very important for a woman they govern your life you don't realise it until your not producing them anymore or in my case blocking them with drugs.

Day four of taking the beta blockers that my GP prescribed for the migraines and so far so good, don't want to say any more about that just incase I jinx it!!

Love and light to all xxxxx

An early Xmas Present.....

Hi everyone,
Last friday I went to the hospital for an appointment with my oncologist to receive the results of my bone scan and CT scan, the news is the bone scan came out clear and the CT is the same as the last one in other words I'm stable, this is fantastic news and I'm taking this as an cosmic early xmas present. Still doing herceptin once every 3 weeks by IV and taking Tamoxifen daily although I asked for a blood test to determine if I was still menopausal or too see what hormones I am still producing including estrogen, my onc seemed to think I was still producing estrogen which if I am would mean I should continue to take the dammed Tamoxifen if I am not then they can put me on a drug called Arimidex click on this link if you want to find out more about it http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Hormonaltherapies/Individualhormonaltherapies/Anastrozole.aspx it's supposed to be only for post menopausal women and like all these drugs comes with its own concoction of side effects BUT it appears that Arimidex does not cause weight gain which Tamoxifen unfortunately does and I had this fact confirmed by my onc who told me that the Tami definately does cause weight gain, uh yeah too flippin right try 2 bloody stone in weight first time ever in my life I've put on this much weight and I don't feel good on it, I've had a couple of falls and really bruised myself mainly due to taking clonidine which is now stopped but also I believe to rapid weight gain and not being used to the new me. I am wishing that I am post menopausal so that they can take me off the Tami and put me on the Arimidex. I did feel kind of uncomfortable chatting to my oncs registrar about this as she looks about a size 18 and didn't feel like discussing weighty issues with someone who obviously has had too live with weight problems. The upshot is that I have had a blood test and am now waiting for the results so will keep you all posted.
Love and light to all xxxxxx

The end of Clonidine....

I was prescribed the drug Clonidine nearly a year ago to help with my extreme hot flushes and migraines, initially it worked wonders but recently stopped working and I had to increase from 4 a day to 6 a day, finally I've realised that I am suffering a multitude of side effects associated with the use of Clonidine so a couple of days ago I decided to stop taking the drug, I realise I should of stopped it gradually over a week or so but just don't want to put any more of that shit into my system so I stopped taking it 2 days ago. The side effects I have been suffering from are numerous and horrible! To name a few weight gain as well as fluid retention and swelling being the main offenders, also dizziness which explains why I have been falling over such a lot recently, blurred vision, heart palpitations and finally the hot flushes are creeping back, ironically since I stopped using the dam drug my hot flushes have become less! although this could be something to do with the cold frosty weather but still not as many hot flushes. I reckon I've lost about half a stone since I stopped using the drug and basically that was just in water retention! other side effects worth a mention are hair loss (like I need to loose anymore hair!!) and insomnia which explains why I've finally been getting a good nights sleep since finishing the dammed drug. Oh god it never stops, its just one nightmare after another, I am now going to persevere without the dammed Clonidine and see if I can loose some weight and get a bit fitter. If I find anything natural that reduces the hot flushes all the better and of course I shall keep you all informed.

Fair weather health....

Hi all, it's literally the calm after the storm, we had rain all night quite heavy with thunder and finally the oppressive atmosphere has finally lifted including the way I was feeling (see previous post), so I am glad to report back to being my upbeat self again. My mood swings have been quite bad recently and I am putting it down to the tamoxifen and the endless migraines, the headaches come with nausea and are therefore migraines, I've had one a week for the past five weeks they seem to occur on a Friday and can last all weekend. I went to see my GP as I was running out of Co-Codamol (my life saver) otherwise I think I would go out of my head! He prescribed some more of the strong stuff as well as taking extra Clonidine so I now take three of those twice a day and thank god it seems to be working. So I'm hoping I can say ta da to the head fuck headaches and the extreme nausea and hello to some fair weather health and feeling more like a human being, trying to get back to some sort of normality.

I am cooking a sunday roast but not like you would imagine, yes there is a freerange chicken but no roast potatoes instead I am cooking sweet potatoes in there jackets first time ever also some green beans and broccoli, have to admit really looking forward to this meal, so will post soon, but promise to be a more positive and happier soul. Love to ya xx