Back to Life and the hospital

Last week was horrific!

It started last Tuesday with a visit to my GP for what I thought was a bladder infection, due to my history she couldn't rule out possible cancer spread so suggested I go to A&E and have an MRI scan done that day! Of course this scared the shit out of me but I went along with it. 4 hours waiting in A&E having blood and urine tests and still none the wiser then a chap shows up with a wheel chair and promptly takes me off to a ward where he informs me I am to spend the night! Around 6 in the evening 2 chaps show up and wheel me in my bed off to have the MRI scan, I was in the blasted thing for 40mins with all that noise so came out of it with a massive migraine, I went back to the ward and spent a extremely nervous night there, terrible night not being able to sleep, noisy, people throwing up, people constipated and straining to go next to me, utter nightmare.

At around 2.30 my Oncologist and team came round and we went through everything, apparently the urine test were negative and the MRI didn't show any new lesions phew.......... however, now they want to do a CT scan on my brain, so off I go again in my bed being wheeled by 2 chaps to the CT scanner, scan complete they dragged me back to the ward where I sat nervously waiting for results.

Results through and no I haven't got breast cancer on my brain, the only plus out of all of this is that the scans were done in 24hours and I got the results almost immediately, normally I have to wait 6 weeks for results!

It was still a harrowing experience and one I would not wish on my worst enemy the waiting game, the needles, no veins all the usual fears wrapped into one huge shit sandwich.

Whilst I was cancer free the scans did pick up problems with my back and neck that will need attention and are a result of being on Herceptin and the other drugs affecting my bone density. Back aches, neck spasms are now part of the new norm for me.

Life with cancer is resumed and jolts me back to the reality of what I am living with.

Wish it would just fuck off.

Massive news.....

Last Friday I went in for the results of my latest CT scan, the last one I actually had with dye contrast (they managed to get a needle in) so I was secretly dreading the outcome (you can see more with the contrast) basically I've got the all clear! Yep its happened I've got the all clear, the cancer on both lungs and liver has disappeared or as the Onc's Reg explained its so tiny we can't detect it on the CT scan. This is the best news ever........I am such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. I knew about the lungs from the start but only found out by accident about the liver when I read a scan report that mentioned lesions on my liver!!! So for them to declare no sign of disease in both lungs and liver is mind blowing. Whilst I was feeling elated the Onc's Reg quickly came back to me with "but of course your never really going to get rid of it, its always going to be there, eventually it will come back, but we will deal with that as and when it shows itself, in the meantime your to continue indefinitely on Herceptin and Anastrozole" and swiftly back down to earth again with a thud. Yep they sure know how to drag you on that roller coaster don't they? I don't care what they say as far as I'm concerned I'm cancer free and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this news.

I am living proof that cancer by its very nature of being random can for no reason of its own just disappear. Obviously I've been down the clean and green path (although have too say I've fallen off the wagon recently and enjoy chocolate, biscuits and cake), I've taken every supplement known to man, taken a shit load of cannabis oil (especially in the first year of being dx), I've gone down the conventional route of being poisoned, cut and burned, all in all I've thrown everything at this shit and something has worked or is working and long may it continue.

Whilst walking on air out of the oncology department I waited outside for the other half to pick me up, another lady was waiting and we got chatting, she told me about her dx in her 40's (like me) over 20 years ago!!! with breast cancer, and that it had only just decided to show itself again and now she has all these options and drugs to try out, she told me to stay positive and live my life, she was a breath of fresh air, I figured that as I turn 50 this year if I get another 20 years of life I'll be 70 and that would be ok with me. I wouldn't want to live any longer than that anyway (after watching people in there 80s, 90s including my own grandmother who lived to 103 once you get to a certain age its best to go peacefully than to hang on to life that is full of illness and suffering).

In view of trying to maintain a normal-ish life I wont be posting as often as I used to and whilst this blog has been a constant source of comfort and help in venting and ranting, I would like to try and put the monkey on my shoulder even further behind me and in the distance. Of course I will from time to time post and will keep all of my readers up to date with surgery etc If anyone would like to speak to me or discuss anything at all please leave a comment and I will get back to you.

Remember to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and SAVOUR EVERY SECOND.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO ALL  OF YOU. XXXX

Scan Update

All is ok, I had a phone call from my Onc's secretary yesterday telling me that the scan results were fine....... and breath. I was surprised that no one had sent me a letter with a results appointment but then this has happened before, waiting endlessly for results seems to be the new normal. See post headed Scanxiety.

A reprieve for 6 months YAY, no scan until September, but due to continued Herceptin I have to go in for an oncology appointment every 12 weeks.

Results update........

So after many phone calls, and discussions with the herceptin nurse I finally 12 weeks later get my results of the latest CT scan phew.......... its ok all is the same as before stable. It was my lovely herceptin nurse that actually pushed hard at the hospital and phoned me with results, something she shouldn't have to do, but she did, above and beyond the call of duty, bless her. What would I have done without her?

Not feeling like chatting much at the moment can't be depressed because I'm on anti-depressants! but certainly feel a bit depressed, crazy shit!

I've got a few more appointments, follow up check up, and a echo scan then thats it for the year.

Just want to get this year over and done with, its been a bugger of a year in more ways than one, many things happening that are utter shit, need a fresh start and a new year.

So I'm gonna sign off this year and say Happy Xmas and a Happy New Year to you all, speak to you next year with a more up beat me.

Blood test results

Finally got hold of the GP who ordered the blood test's to verify the status of my thyroid although have to say she wasn't keen on testing my thyroid she seemed to think I needed a test for my blood sugar. So the results were as I thought something is wrong with my thyroid its under active so this means I might need thyroxine tablets to balance it up, however the GP wasn't worried about it and said that usually in this instance they would test me again in 3 months and then if all was the same they would prescribe thyroxine tablets, BUT as I am a cancer patient she didn't know if this new drug would interfere with any of the other drugs I am on so it waiting until I've seen my oncologist which is fairly soon at 11.30 this Friday. I thought that was all but no there is more..... my cholesterol levels are off the scale!!! what the fuck!!!!! I was like "thats to do with diet isn't it?" GP said "yes it can be but in your case its probably to do with all the treatments and drugs unbalancing your body etc" my response was "what shall we do about it" GP reply "I'd rather deal with the thyroid problem first and then we will look at the cholesterol" my response is "urghhhhhhhhhhhh" for fuck sake!!!! So if the cancer doesn't kill me then the cholesterol will eh!!!! GP doesn't seem to want to jump on this and I am very worried about it, herceptin affects your heart muscle not in a good way otherwise they wouldn't be checking my heart every 3 months and now this high cholesterol means my poor ticker is wacked out!!!! Will be seeing my dear Onc. this Friday and taking the test results in so he can ponder over it see what he comes up with. I'll keep you informed of my progress and of course the much anticipated CT scan results urghhhhh it never rains and then it fucking pours..........

Onc. appt. and a Cancer Cluster

Hi all, a quick up date on the results of the latest CT scan and its good I'm still in the stable mabel so can't grumble at that, they will continue to keep an eye on me and scan me etc. No real moans about the appt. either which makes a change the registrar that delivered the news was very nice and very happy to give me some good news. So all is ok at the moment.

Now on the subject of Cancer Cluster I feel I need to share that I've recently found out that 3 of my  ex work colleagues have also been diagnosed with breast cancer 2 of us with secondary breast cancer. This news has floored me!! Could it be down to where you work which in some way has caused cancer? I keep asking myself is it just a coincidence and just cannot accept that this is so. We all worked in an small open plan office at the back of a very old tudor building for around 6 years, I worked as a designer on an old style Mac and the others were proof readers who sat behind me. One of whom is currently fighting for her life as the bastard has spread onto her brain. We're all around the same age. I worked there from my mid to late 30's and then moved down to Devon where I continued to work for the same company. So, what to do about this ummm...... so I've been advised by a fellow breast cancer patient to contact the Alliance for Cancer Prevention Authority here's there link http://allianceforcancerprevention.org.uk/#!/about/ and tell them the story. I'm also contacting former employee's to find out if there is anyone else who has had a breast cancer dx who worked in the same office. Once I've collated the information I will work out what to do about this. I can't leave this alone its just too much of a coincidence and if when we get to the bottom of this it does work out that I was working in a ticking cancer bomb heads will fucking roll. I owe it to myself and all the other women who have worked there and have or are unfortunate to develop breast cancer and all the women that haven't worked there but are going to, someone has to do something and that someone is clearly me.

Here's a link to a famous breast cancer cluster in Australia where 20 women were dx all working for the ABC media corporation in the same building. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBqYNysfBlo
and another about a group of men nearly 40!! based in an American arm camp all dx with breast cancer
http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2012/05/camp-lejeune-marines-breast-cancer-florence-williams

Health update and two deaths RIP Abbey and Hedley

Hello all, thought I'd better provide an update on the current state of things. Eventually........ the hospital got back to me and told me I was stable (which is kind of worrying as I thought I was clear!!!) they still don't know why I was sent a letter asking me to come for yet another CT scan!!!!! I cannot be arse d to chase this up, is that wrong of me?? maybe but I'm at the stage of cannot be bothered. Stable is still good so I'm not gonna rock the boat.

Another lovely lady called Abbey B. passed away from this disease I fucking hate this shitty vile disease. RIP and fly with the angels.xxxxx

Also my best friends partner aged 62 (she's a lot younger than him and has 2 kids by him) collapsed and died unexpectedly a fortnight ago to say we are all in shock is an understatement. He was at home with his son when he collapsed with breathing problems and by the time the ambulance had arrived he was gone. His son who is 21 gave CPR but to no avail. My best friend is in a state of complete shock we have now had the funeral but it all still feels very very raw and sort of surreal. Who'd of thought it? and this has made my resolve to live for the moment ever more important. I am trying to help her as much as I can by taking cooked food around and generally being there to support her, its so very hard all I want to do is make this better which obviously is impossible as no one can bring him back. I have told her that we love her and will do anything to help her thats all I can do. Its a desperate situation what else can I say....... RIP Hedley I feel for your family at this sad time you were there world. xx

Hospital keeping me on tender hooks AGAIN.....

So you might gather that from the title of this post its not gonna be a good post. Well back in early Oct I had a CT scan the usual 3 monthly one and was told to ring for a results appointment I did phone and had an appointment a week or so ago still no results but Onc assured me that all was going to be ok and that she would phone or write with the results as she didn't anticipate it being anything bad. Fast forward onto today and I have a letter asking me to book yet another CT scan and a blood test at my local GP's so on the face of it doesn't inspire me at all in fact I feel like total shit why can't they just tell me what the fuck is wrong!!!! I mean it is my body right! All this is it bad or isn't it bad shit just tears me apart its so stressful if I didn't have anything wrong before I'm gonna get ill just from the anxiety of it all. Bloody fucking shitty hospital will keep you posted and update this later as I've spoken with Onc's secretary and told her I need some answers by the end of today otherwise I shall just keep ringing and ringing and tomorrow I shall go up there until I know what the fuck is going on.

and breath.......results are in.....and its brilliant.....

Sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog but I've been very busy and admit to completely forgetting about posting!!! which is unusual for me. Anyway back to the post and what is going on with me and my 'something' on the liver. I went for an oncology appointment on the 1st of Nov as per usual a registrar walked in the room and just to complicate things further she's indian not that I'm racist but her pigeon english made it hard to understand exactly what she was saying, luckily whilst we (thats me and my partner Lee) were waiting for the Dr. my BCN walked past the room and popped into to see me, she expressed an interest in why I was there (which amazed me as she's not shown that much interest in me before) she asked if she could be present in the room when the Dr. told me the outcome of the latest CT scan on my liver and I told her of course.

So the Dr. walks into the room and starts to go on about 2 lesions on my liver (yes I was sat there in total shock as no one had ever mentioned anything about lesions) she also said "but of course you knew that" too which I replied "uh no, I didn't know anything about lesions on my Liver I was told something like a shadow" at this point I'm starting to well up and I'm getting a bit angry because she's not understanding the whole reason I'm there is to get the results not too be told stuff I knew already that doesn't make any fucking sense does it!!!! It was at this point that my BCN pipped up (first time ever!!) "has Sarah got breast cancer spread on her liver? or not?" Dr. responds "we think it is fatty tissue and the lumps on the liver are benign (ie: not growing) I'm thinking thank fuck for that and was visibly relieved, BCN also looked relieved then BCN left the room and came back in with my actual oncologist Dr. K. I haven't seem him for nearly 2 years as I either got fobbed off with a registrar and in some part because he was dx with liver cancer a year ago and has been fighting it. He looked well and was very pleased to see me, he told me that "I'm not worried about your Liver its just fatty tissue (probably to do with the chemo and weight gain) and I'm not worried about your Lungs either they are stable and nothing is moving on that front.

We spoke about my treatment ie: Herceptin and Tamoxifen to which he told me they couldn't do anything about the Tamoxifen but he was going to suggest that I transfer from IV Herceptin to sub-cut Herceptin very soon in fact I've just had my last Herceptin by IV the next one will be sub-cut Herceptin. Pretty good job as my veins are pretty shot to pieces and I now live in dread of the next IV (the sub cut will be injected into good old fatty tissue to which I said "I've got enough of that" All in all it was one of the best onc. appt. I've ever had and I let out a huge sigh of relief on the way out the receptionist heard me and said " I presume it was good news, bless you" she's a lovely lady it must be hard working  in there as you get to know all the patients by first name, some survive and some don't, bloody hard job.

Back for a bit....

Hello all,
Well I'm back from the terrifically sunny and absolutely gorgeous Newquay it was truly great just too get away although I did miss the cats terribly. Plenty of walks and talks with my friend sandy we also managed to visit the Japanese Garden just outside of Newquay which is magical especially at this time of year, I took a heap load of photo's and ate far too much but what the hell I figured I deserved a break. Taught my friend Sandy to paint with Acrylics which pleased her and me enormously also did a couple of paintings myself. My partner Lee got on and has started the conversion so we will be going back over in a fortnights time for another week and so it goes on until its finished.

MRI results came through whilst I was away in Newquay and the doc's say I'm cancer free on the brain   so big massive sigh of relief and something to celebrate for a change. Hospital appointments are sort of dying down I've got a routine heart scan on the 31st of May and a lymph nurse appointment other than that I don't have to go to the dreaded oncology department for 3 months!!! first time in 2 years, so hallelujah to that. Although I have a slight nagging fear going on in the back of my head which is only alleviated by having regular scans, the doc's said I'd been stable for long enough for them to give my body a radiation scan break.

Other news is I'm still steadily putting on the bloody weight very annoying, this has been getting too me I try not to let it piss me off but I've spent my whole life as a skinny size 8 and now I'm trying on clothes that are a fucking size 16!!!! bloody tamoxifen!!!! When I say gets to me I mean I get really depressed and dive into the fridge I figure I may as well go with it even when I'm just having juice and nothing else I put on weight I may as well eat what the hell I like and be done with it. The worst part is not being able to fit into any of my clothes also I've taken all the mirrors down I can't stand looking at myself anymore because the person staring back at me quite simply is not the Sarah I knew before all of this shit started, its so depressing, god knows what my boyfriend thinks!

Hope you are all doing well and sending everyone some love and light
Sarah xxx

MRI results.... or not.....

After a brilliant couple of days up in London I landed back in reality with a hard bump as I had an onc appointment the next day it was supposed to be a follow up of my latest MRI scan on my head and a blood test. After waiting for what seemed like an age actually was an hour, the very nice chinese registrar called Kevin informed me that the radiologist hadn't written a report yet!!! which is completely bonkers as I had the scan about a month ago which is plenty of time for them to do the report understandably I was annoyed, Kevin then informed me that my new consultant and himself has looked at the scan and they couldn't see anything sinister on it at this point I started to breath again BUT they are not radiographers so I still have to await the written report so I'm not out of the woods yet!! I'm too phone up the  hospital if I don't hear back from them in the next 2 weeks. The results of the blood test to determine my menopausal status were inconclusive and he said I was peri-menopausal which is a load of bullshit because I'm definitely in menopause I am living in hot flush central and haven't had a period since all the chemo started back in April 201 and have a nice thick tire wedge of weight around my middle (first time in my life), so that was a complete waste of time. To top it all I'm still having the dame bloody headaches which is why I had a MRI scan in the beginning. Deep breath.......count to 10 and ..... breathe.

Arty trip to London......

Just got back from a 2 day trip up to the big smoke and for once it was a real pleasure, we drove right up to the front of the RA (Royal Academy) found a car parking space!!!! and I was able to casually walk my painting in to the processing room for submission all over within the space of 10 mins brilliant. Afterwards we had an appointment at Christies Auction house (my friend who came up to London with us has a painting that turns out to be an original Edward Lear and is worth a fortune! crickey!!) he's left the painting with Christies for conservation purposes and looks like its going to auction in June, it was so fascinating and we also had a good look round their galleries taking in Andy Warhols, Turners etc like ya do!!! lol. All in all a thoroughly great day out in London one of the best ever and very arty too.
Back to reality now with a bump, tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital with the results of my blood test (to see whether or not I'm through the menopause) and my MRI too check I have nothing sinister going on in my head because of all the migraines, so gulp!! here goes back to biting my nails and horrendous intense worry, its all part of the cancer territory I suppose, I pray too god that its all ok.

An early Xmas Present.....

Hi everyone,
Last friday I went to the hospital for an appointment with my oncologist to receive the results of my bone scan and CT scan, the news is the bone scan came out clear and the CT is the same as the last one in other words I'm stable, this is fantastic news and I'm taking this as an cosmic early xmas present. Still doing herceptin once every 3 weeks by IV and taking Tamoxifen daily although I asked for a blood test to determine if I was still menopausal or too see what hormones I am still producing including estrogen, my onc seemed to think I was still producing estrogen which if I am would mean I should continue to take the dammed Tamoxifen if I am not then they can put me on a drug called Arimidex click on this link if you want to find out more about it http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Hormonaltherapies/Individualhormonaltherapies/Anastrozole.aspx it's supposed to be only for post menopausal women and like all these drugs comes with its own concoction of side effects BUT it appears that Arimidex does not cause weight gain which Tamoxifen unfortunately does and I had this fact confirmed by my onc who told me that the Tami definately does cause weight gain, uh yeah too flippin right try 2 bloody stone in weight first time ever in my life I've put on this much weight and I don't feel good on it, I've had a couple of falls and really bruised myself mainly due to taking clonidine which is now stopped but also I believe to rapid weight gain and not being used to the new me. I am wishing that I am post menopausal so that they can take me off the Tami and put me on the Arimidex. I did feel kind of uncomfortable chatting to my oncs registrar about this as she looks about a size 18 and didn't feel like discussing weighty issues with someone who obviously has had too live with weight problems. The upshot is that I have had a blood test and am now waiting for the results so will keep you all posted.
Love and light to all xxxxxx

Tiny, stable and possibly NED......WOW

WOW WOW WOW wanted to share my fantastic news with you all (I find it really uplifting to read of others good outcomes and hope this gives someone inspiration) The results of my latest ct scan were great! They actually told me that the nodules on my lungs are still unchanged (stable since last June) and tiny and the doc said "we don't actually know if it is cancer it could be scar tissue on your lungs!!!! but because the nodules are so tiny we cant biopsy them", she personally didn't think I had any cancer left on the lungs and the rest of the scan was clear, how amazing is that!!!!!, I'll be honest I was full of the fear and dread before I went into the cubicle thinking OMG feeling all tense and fragile, came out feeling elated and on top of the world so went and had a massive crab sandwich and bought some new 'Bare Minerals' makeup from House of Fraiser (good ole bit of retail therapy to celebrate), its the first bit of good news since all of this breast cancer shit started, it makes all the treatments, surgery and changes I've made feel worth while like cutting out caffeine and sugar, drinking a pint of green organic fresh juice daily, taking supplements and generally looking after myself, life is finally good again miracles CAN and DO happen something I am ever so ever so grateful for.

Sending all who need and read this absent spiritual healing
love and light to all
Sarahxxx