Highs and lows

So went to the hospital for the results of my CT scan and to discuss the latest issues regarding the thyroid and cholesterol. The CT scan was good everything is stable or the same as the last scan big sigh of relief phew........

Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.

I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion!  Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out.  Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.

 Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.

I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.

To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject.  She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy.  I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?

FFS!!!

A tad annoyed...... I feel like I am being victimised verbally on FB at the moment I've posted a couple of articles that were of interest to me and thought I'd share with the research group on FB the response I got was some what rude I was told and I quote "this information is just not valid". Uh well actually it is pretty fucking valid its a view point shared by millions the view that cancer is in some way related to and affected by our lifestyles and what we put into our bodies by way of nutrition. All I did was share a link to an interesting article about the immune system here's the link https://www.ihealthtube.com/aspx/viewvideo.aspx?v=254789042bfc9b3e it is important is it not that we explore all the avenues available to us in our quest to survive and thrive living with secondary breast cancer!!!! I don't expect everyone to agree with what I post or say but I do at least deserve to be heard and not made to feel like I am sooooooo wrong patronising me like they know everything well if your so fucking clever then why haven't you got a fucking cure yet ass hole!!! this is a shame cause potentially life changing views that others might at the least find interesting and at best want to follow up on wont be available to them as I am pulling myself from the stupid fucking group. 

I then progressed to share a couple of links to Kris Carr of Crazy Sexy Cancer and Dr David Servan-Schreiber of Anticancer A New Way of Life both of which have written books on the subject that they themselves suffer with Dr. David died a few years ago of his cancer but he lived and survived for 20 years with stage IV brain cancer. Kris Carr may have a rare slow growing cancer but she has lived and thrived by her juicing protocol for the past 10 years I find it hard to believe that some might think it helpful to find fault with such people I don't care that they might of made millions out of writing there books and pushing there philosophies that's not the fucking point the point is that the lifestyles they promote and still are have proved positive in the fight against dying early from fucking cancer.

I would also like to add in this post that I have known at least 25 women who have died from this vile, random bastard of a disease this is not some sort of game or competition its life or fucking death. Either you get active and research do everything possible to help yourself or you just listen to the Doctors like they are God!!! and do what they tell you to do. Its a case of doing a bit of both really of course looking after yourself is paramount to helping you heal as is throwing everything you got at this mother fucker of a disease. I am not going to engage in a war with people if they don't agree but don't put me down as not having a valid point and telling me to " please don't follow his ideas" WTF!! how dare she tell me what to fucking do, I am still here living breathing and fighting 4 years down the line I have armed myself with every type and kind of research humanely possible and I am fucking winning, the proof is in the fact that I am here screaming and shouting about it the lung mets have disappeared the liver stuff is all but gone bar 2 small mets that are continuing to shrink. Something is clearly working could be the juicing, could be the supplements could be the hemp oil or it could be the bacon sandwich I've just fucking eaten just don't tell me I don't have a valid point. End rant and gosh that feels a lot better

Having said that I also have had enough of people rubbing me up the wrong way so in future I wont post anything interesting and will just keep it all to myself and of course this blog so stay tuned if you want to read anything interesting and alternative.

After the ultra annoying afternoon with this particular FB group I have left and will not be returning anytime soon.

MRI results.... or not.....

After a brilliant couple of days up in London I landed back in reality with a hard bump as I had an onc appointment the next day it was supposed to be a follow up of my latest MRI scan on my head and a blood test. After waiting for what seemed like an age actually was an hour, the very nice chinese registrar called Kevin informed me that the radiologist hadn't written a report yet!!! which is completely bonkers as I had the scan about a month ago which is plenty of time for them to do the report understandably I was annoyed, Kevin then informed me that my new consultant and himself has looked at the scan and they couldn't see anything sinister on it at this point I started to breath again BUT they are not radiographers so I still have to await the written report so I'm not out of the woods yet!! I'm too phone up the  hospital if I don't hear back from them in the next 2 weeks. The results of the blood test to determine my menopausal status were inconclusive and he said I was peri-menopausal which is a load of bullshit because I'm definitely in menopause I am living in hot flush central and haven't had a period since all the chemo started back in April 201 and have a nice thick tire wedge of weight around my middle (first time in my life), so that was a complete waste of time. To top it all I'm still having the dame bloody headaches which is why I had a MRI scan in the beginning. Deep breath.......count to 10 and ..... breathe.