Highs and lows

So went to the hospital for the results of my CT scan and to discuss the latest issues regarding the thyroid and cholesterol. The CT scan was good everything is stable or the same as the last scan big sigh of relief phew........

Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.

I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion!  Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out.  Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.

 Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.

I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.

To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject.  She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy.  I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?

Two falls and a massive bruise.....

Hello all in blogger land,
I'm still waiting for results of my recent scans and have an appointment booked for early December which does seem like a long way off but I am not unduly worried about it and have managed for the first time to put it to the back of my mind.

Anyway I have other pressing worries on my mind at the moment, the first being the fact that I keep falling over!!! what the hell is the matter with me?? I'm wondering whether its all the weight I've put on over the past 6 months and the fact that I was always a size 8 before all of this cancer shit happened to me, the chemo and steroids started the weight gain and I think the tamoxifen is now adding to it, I've gone from a healthy 9st to nearly 11st totally scary!!! I'm not used to being this size and feel a bit like an alien in my own body! The first fall was in a shop (embarrassing) down the stairs and a literally went flying but apart from my pride nothing else was broken or hurt. The second fall was last night in my studio where I tripped up over my old easel and landed on one of the nuts/bolts on my right hand side buttock it really hurt and I woke up at 5am today with a painful throb! On closer inspection the grazed skin now looks like I've had a mastectomy on it!! The bruise is massive and extends down my leg I'm really pissed with myself because I am going to a Craft Fair today (birthday pressie from BF includes cream tea) and can't walk as I now have a limp so might have to get out an old granny stick (crazy at my age 45). You have too laugh tho, I'm sat with the affected buttock raised as I can't really sit on it lol. I'm thinking that I will phone up the Dr's surgery and get an early appointment just so they can check it out and make sure it's not infected or anything, it really is quite alarmingly looking. Falling over is scary the last time I did anything like was when I was a kid, you just can't quite believe your on the floor its a shock!

Tamoxifen and weight gain.....

I am coming up to a 1 year anniversary, its one year since I finished chemo and joyfully, and it's one year since I started on the dreaded tamoxifen, its taken the best part of a year and much munching on my part (increased appetite) and whilst I am eternally grateful for the drug and the fact that I have access to it I am not so happy about the weight gain, admittedly I have been chomping for England lol but seriously not that bad, I have given up red meat and only eat chicken once a month, I green juice everyday and drink a pint of the good stuff, I have to admit that chocolate has become my one weakness and I will happily woof down a whole bag of Revels but what else can you nibble on, trying like mad to cut out cheese and butter, basically just looking at anything with fat in it makes me put on weight. Up until this dx I had stayed the same size since the age of 18 size 8-10, able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and didn't give the weight issue any thought, now I am a size 12 and feel that even the size 12 clothes I have are tight on me, this is a nightmare, going to have to do some more exercise and try and loose this weight the only trouble is I'm not sure if you can loose weight on tamoxifen, I been given to understand that the way tamoxifen works with your metabolism it slows it down, this makes sense but the side effect is weight gain, also as I am now in early menopause naturally weight will go on especially round the middle, its a total bummer, will be looking on the forum too see what others have experienced and what can be done about it.

I was starting too feel sort of normal again and then I realised I'd put on a mountain of weight and feel a   bit crushed now, ah well I suppose the alternative and not taking tamoxifen is just too awful to comprehend, added to that I also am suffering endless bouts of constipation and as a result have a sore rear end, breast cancer is such a shit! this disease just keeps on giving :0(