Back to Life and the hospital

Last week was horrific!

It started last Tuesday with a visit to my GP for what I thought was a bladder infection, due to my history she couldn't rule out possible cancer spread so suggested I go to A&E and have an MRI scan done that day! Of course this scared the shit out of me but I went along with it. 4 hours waiting in A&E having blood and urine tests and still none the wiser then a chap shows up with a wheel chair and promptly takes me off to a ward where he informs me I am to spend the night! Around 6 in the evening 2 chaps show up and wheel me in my bed off to have the MRI scan, I was in the blasted thing for 40mins with all that noise so came out of it with a massive migraine, I went back to the ward and spent a extremely nervous night there, terrible night not being able to sleep, noisy, people throwing up, people constipated and straining to go next to me, utter nightmare.

At around 2.30 my Oncologist and team came round and we went through everything, apparently the urine test were negative and the MRI didn't show any new lesions phew.......... however, now they want to do a CT scan on my brain, so off I go again in my bed being wheeled by 2 chaps to the CT scanner, scan complete they dragged me back to the ward where I sat nervously waiting for results.

Results through and no I haven't got breast cancer on my brain, the only plus out of all of this is that the scans were done in 24hours and I got the results almost immediately, normally I have to wait 6 weeks for results!

It was still a harrowing experience and one I would not wish on my worst enemy the waiting game, the needles, no veins all the usual fears wrapped into one huge shit sandwich.

Whilst I was cancer free the scans did pick up problems with my back and neck that will need attention and are a result of being on Herceptin and the other drugs affecting my bone density. Back aches, neck spasms are now part of the new norm for me.

Life with cancer is resumed and jolts me back to the reality of what I am living with.

Wish it would just fuck off.

Liar liar pants on fire....

It's been a couple of weeks since d-day where Onc told me of 'something' on my liver.... I had another CT scan just on my liver last week although they couldn't use the contrast dye as my veins were playing up so not sure how good the scan image will come out, got everything crossed it goes ok and they can see what they want to see and that it turns out to be nothing other than scar or fatty tissue. Feeling like a fraud because I told everyone the first scan came back ok, why did I do this because nobody seems to understand me well I say no one what I actually mean is everyone other than the poor women who also are afflicted with this shit. My best friend, my mum and dad, my auntie and cousins and my friends they just don't understand the hell I am going through. Its partly because they believe what they have been subjected to in the press about breast cancer no one ever discuss's metastatic breast cancer or secondaries, I have too explain to people what it is I've got. One of my good friends was of the opinion that I had primary lung cancer I had too explain that its breast cancer that has spread not primary lung cancer what makes it all the more harder is that this is such a complicated and individual disease. Another friend can't understand why I'm putting on weight I've told her its the Tamoxifen but she knows someone else who had primary breast cancer and who stopped taking the Tamoxifen after 2 years and in her words "she's not fat" I feel exasperated by this blinkered way of looking at what is a massively complicated subject. There is no hard and fast rule with this shit, if we could anticipate what was going to happen to everyone subjected to this disease we would be well on our way to a cure. This time I've lied, told a big fat porker so instead of having to reiterate the bad news to all I have kept it too myself and will continue to do so unless I absolutely have to. I'd rather tell a white lie than tell them the truth, this is my body, my bloody cancer, my shit and I'm in charge.

CT Scan Results........not good....

Hello everyone,

As the title of this post would suggest my latest yearly CT scan results are in and not good. The lung mets are still currently the same and classified as in a stable condition BUT 'something' is showing up on my liver at the moment and they (the docs) don't know what it is, so have requested that I have another CT scan asap to take a closer look. Onc. said "we did see it on your last scan" (which was a year ago!!!) and I suppose they were taking a watch and see approach, would of been nice if they'd of told me that was what they were doing!!! Anyway the upshot is we don't know what 'it' is on my liver just that something is showing up on the CT so in the next 2 weeks I should of had a another scan and d-day is the 1st of November.

Urghhhhhhhhh Obviously with a a stage IV dx of breast cancer anyway you always assume the worst, but I am trying to keep myself positive and upbeat, its like someone has tele-ported me back to that first day of being told "you have cancer" such a knock back feel dazed and confused about the whole thing and certainly was not expecting it, especially after all the juicing, supplement taking, and spiritual healing I've been doing, everyone say's I look really healthy, although my answer to that is "I looked really friggin healthy before I got cancer" thats the scary thing about this vile disease. I've decided not to tell my mum and dad yet I think I'll wait until we know what we are dealing with, I don't want to unduly upset them. I've told a couple of friends and treatment practitioners about it and found it helped to share the news and get it off my chest, also some of them needed to know as they don't seem to understand why I might seem distant or withdrawn at times by sharing this with them they get to understand why. Sometimes its harder to hide the truth and I don't need anymore crap at the moment. Feeling like I need to digest what has happened and meditate on healing, so going to spend the rest of the weekend with my brother Andy and partner Lee. Lee was with me at the appointment and as usual was my rock.

During the consultation we also discussed my hormonal status to which I've learned that I'm not through the blasted menopause not by a long shot so it seems I have to continue taking the bloody Tamoxifen, the onc. said with head tilted to one side "why so disappointed at not being through the menopause your so young" yeah true I'm 45 (42 when dx) but whats the point in going back to having periods when your bodies fucked with the drugs, chemo and menopause its not like I'm ever going to be able to have children is it? and as I'm plagued with major side effects from the Tamoxifen and the menopause I'd rather be through with it and move onto another drug that might be a bit more user friendly, honestly these docs say the most stupid things sometimes!

Got the scan in the next 2 weeks and appointment on the 1st so will keep you all posted as too the outcome.
Love and light to all
Sarah xxxx

Curcumin/turmeric is the spice of life.....

"No cancer has been found that is NOT affected by curcumin" (MD Anderson Cancer Center, Texas)

That is a hell of a statement and one not too be ignored. I already take Turmeric supplements daily (I buy a good make by http://www.bio-health.co.uk/turmeric_rhizome.html) and had heard about this wonder spice here's a link to read a more in depth explanation from the fabulous Chris Woollams website Canceractive http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=1571. If you don't want to take supplements then cook a curry or simply add it too your food. If you have had or are living with cancer please read this link it could save your life. 

Better out than in.....

A quick up date on how things are going, well the bites have disappeared thankfully just as the sun decides to make an appearance finally!!!!! The statement "it never rains and then it pours" is literally what we have been experiencing in the uk, fingers and toes crossed this weather will hold out for what is left of our pathetic summer!


The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.


Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.


Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit,  the bottom line is it could save my life.