Scanxiety.......

Yep, its that time again, just had a CT scan this time with contrast. Over the past year they couldn't get a cannula into my veins so I couldn't have the scan with contrast which provides a better all round picture, this time however I went to oncology where the experienced chemo nurses were able to get a cannula in and I had the CT with contrast. This has thrown me into a an anxious, worried person whose not feeling up to much at the moment, praying the results are all good or at the very least stable and so this joyless, shitty ride continues...........

I've said it before and I'll say it again FUCKING CANCER.....

In other news, my father has had yet another stroke this time affecting his lefthand side almost a year to the day of the last one. Feel so much for the poor old fella, he's hanging on in there by the skin of his teeth, he can't swallow so is now on a peg for nutrition, water and medication, his memory is shaky sometimes he's with us and sometimes he's most definitely not, so upsetting. He's been in hospital for a month now and isn't likely to come out anytime soon, so I've been staying at my folks house supporting my brother and mum although I'm home at the moment because I need my own bed once in a while and of course I had hospital appointments. I am being kept up to date of his progress and will be going up again soon to stay and visit.

Spring has arrived and is utterly gorgeous as per usual, feel so grateful to still be around appreciating natures awesome beauty although it is somewhat tainted with the current state of affairs.

Back to business as usual.... Zoladex

Tomorrow I get my 2nd shot of Zoladex the first hit wasn't good and now I am dreading this next one. Its not the injection got over my fear of needles back in 2011 when having chemo and the continued Herceptin no its the size of the fucker. It's massive I mean this thing is huge. Of course now I know what to expect I am expecting horrendous pain urghhh life doesn't get any easier. The last shot did work immediately and stopped the dammed period and I haven't had any period pain since that last one so reckon it could of closed the ovaries down for good. Which would be a blessed relief and one less trip to the hospital every month. Looking forward to going out with my best friend afterwards for a small shopping trip there's always a silver lining.

Update - Thanks to the Tamoxifen tire around my middle I didn't even feel the needle go in this time last time it did hurt, so all in all pleased with that. Suppose there's got to be some compensation for having a fat tummy eh!!!

Still weighing up the pro's and con's of having ovaries removed. Here's an interesting article in The Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3031006/The-hell-surgical-menopause-s-not-just-Angelina-Jolie-women-opting-life-saving-operations-carry-cruel-price.html
which goes into the nightmare side effects of a forced surgical, early, menopause. I am and have been in menopause for the past 4 years ever since that first chemo injection the hot flushes have been horrendous this isn't just a little bit of heat its a full on pressure cooker on fire, turning bright red in the face so everyone looks at you with that quizzical "whats wrong with you" face on, the sweat pouring down your face, feeling really sick so bad I have to take anti-sickness meds, sticking my head in the freezer is about the only way of relieving the effects and I'm 4 years down the road. I'm wondering if I do have my ovaries out if the menopausal side effects will continue or even dare I say it get worse!!!! All considerations and questions to ask Onc. as well as possibly asking to have other massive breast removed as I feel so out of balance and hate hate hate the remaining breast. Lots to ask on the next appointment.

Liar liar pants on fire....

It's been a couple of weeks since d-day where Onc told me of 'something' on my liver.... I had another CT scan just on my liver last week although they couldn't use the contrast dye as my veins were playing up so not sure how good the scan image will come out, got everything crossed it goes ok and they can see what they want to see and that it turns out to be nothing other than scar or fatty tissue. Feeling like a fraud because I told everyone the first scan came back ok, why did I do this because nobody seems to understand me well I say no one what I actually mean is everyone other than the poor women who also are afflicted with this shit. My best friend, my mum and dad, my auntie and cousins and my friends they just don't understand the hell I am going through. Its partly because they believe what they have been subjected to in the press about breast cancer no one ever discuss's metastatic breast cancer or secondaries, I have too explain to people what it is I've got. One of my good friends was of the opinion that I had primary lung cancer I had too explain that its breast cancer that has spread not primary lung cancer what makes it all the more harder is that this is such a complicated and individual disease. Another friend can't understand why I'm putting on weight I've told her its the Tamoxifen but she knows someone else who had primary breast cancer and who stopped taking the Tamoxifen after 2 years and in her words "she's not fat" I feel exasperated by this blinkered way of looking at what is a massively complicated subject. There is no hard and fast rule with this shit, if we could anticipate what was going to happen to everyone subjected to this disease we would be well on our way to a cure. This time I've lied, told a big fat porker so instead of having to reiterate the bad news to all I have kept it too myself and will continue to do so unless I absolutely have to. I'd rather tell a white lie than tell them the truth, this is my body, my bloody cancer, my shit and I'm in charge.