Anti-depressants have become a part of the my life, I never expected that I would have to take medication for depression although looking back I've always been more depressive than upbeat. After being dx I thought I was doing fine, in fact with lack of oestrogen I wasn't as moody as before, leading me to believe that my mood swings were a result of out of balance hormones. Initially I was put on anti-d's for the menopausal symptoms to alleviate the hot flushes caused by an early chemical menopause (which by the way are still as horrendous as they always were) this worked for a while but eventually they stopped working and I am now back in the hot and sweaty position I was before. Trouble is I can't seem to get off them. I want to come off them as they aren't working for what I they were prescribed for. Of course I realise I probably wouldn't of been able to cope with what life has chucked at me over the past 7 years if it wasn't for the tablets.
The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :
Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige.......
The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.
Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, 22 October 2018
Sunday, 5 February 2017
Ovaries v Zoladex
On Friday I had an appointment at the hospital in a new department the Gynaecology dept. it was my first consultation on the possible removal of my ovaries and apparently tubes. I've been on Zoladex which is a 3 monthly injection with the largest needle possible of an implant through the stomach to shut down my ovaries, this works very well and apart from the very unpleasant brace yourself injection, nothing else bothered me (or so I thought), every time I go for the injection I become anxious and experience a panic attack, so afterwards I feel extremely fraught and fragile.
The consultant I saw was a very pleasant man although have too say why are gynaecologist's always men? I would of rather of seen a female. Back to the story..... he explained to me that Zoladex shuts my ovaries down and that taking my ovaries and tubes out would basically remove the need for this unpleasant injection, also he mentioned that some women experience very depressed feelings and this explains that whilst I am on anti-depressants for the hot flushes I still experience extremely depressed moods and thought I was going crackers but clearly I'm not! I realise it's the Zoladex. We discussed the possible repercussions of having both ovaries out to which he seemed to think I would feel no different than what I do presently as the Zoladex had officially closed my ovaries down. So I am now waiting for another appointment in 3 months time, in the meantime I need to decide if I definitely want to have the operation, get a smear test yuk, and a Braca's gene test, I don't think I've had this test done so far and apparently if confirmed positive would increase the possibility of developing a womb cancer and of course increasing the possibility of breast cancer returning.
So what to do....... I thought I was sure about this but now feel a bit weirded out by it, will keep you all informed of my decision in the meantime if anybody reading this can advise I would be most appreciative, just leave a comment thanks xxxx
The consultant I saw was a very pleasant man although have too say why are gynaecologist's always men? I would of rather of seen a female. Back to the story..... he explained to me that Zoladex shuts my ovaries down and that taking my ovaries and tubes out would basically remove the need for this unpleasant injection, also he mentioned that some women experience very depressed feelings and this explains that whilst I am on anti-depressants for the hot flushes I still experience extremely depressed moods and thought I was going crackers but clearly I'm not! I realise it's the Zoladex. We discussed the possible repercussions of having both ovaries out to which he seemed to think I would feel no different than what I do presently as the Zoladex had officially closed my ovaries down. So I am now waiting for another appointment in 3 months time, in the meantime I need to decide if I definitely want to have the operation, get a smear test yuk, and a Braca's gene test, I don't think I've had this test done so far and apparently if confirmed positive would increase the possibility of developing a womb cancer and of course increasing the possibility of breast cancer returning.
So what to do....... I thought I was sure about this but now feel a bit weirded out by it, will keep you all informed of my decision in the meantime if anybody reading this can advise I would be most appreciative, just leave a comment thanks xxxx
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Tricky Times
Its been ages since I last wrote a post so I thought I'd better bring you all up to date. My father had a stroke earlier on this year and after nearly 8 weeks in hospital he was released, unfortunately they released him way to early, he wasn't ready to come home and the house wasn't ready for a severely disabled person. So after a lot of phone calls and a couple of weeks spent at my mum and dads house we finally have managed to get nursing care for 4 weeks after which they will review and see if he needs any further care. I don't want to go into it on here but its been a nightmare! not just watching my dad struggle around the house with the stairs but also with all the red tape to go through just to get some help. It was made all the worse when my mum went down with flu which she then passed on to dad who already had pneumonia earlier on in the year all this put his recovery back to being bed ridden and so I was asked to come up and care for a fortnight, this I did, but I'm physically not able to lift him etc so was relieved when the nursing care finally was sorted. Worryingly my father was referred to the lung cancer department and was supposed to go for a CT scan earlier on in the year after his bout of pneumonia, due to the stroke this got left by the wayside and forgotten about, however today he faces a CT scan to check out that earlier niggle. Stressed out or what.......
As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.
Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!
As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.
Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!
Thursday, 11 February 2016
The Outside turned in....
I wanted to vent my feelings and thoughts on the outside world. The outside world has become increasingly on my mind, watching the news, the news flashes on facebook, the terrible state of the world. Our planet is visibly changing, the climate is weird, animals and humans are both affected. Most recently we've had beached sperm whales, why???? these magnificent creatures die horrible deaths where they seem to be starving and they wash up on our beaches a complete mystery. Its worrying. The winter isn't winter anymore its warm its confusing for the birds and animals they don't know whats going on, neither do we. So thats just our planet and environment.
How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.
As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.
How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.
As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD
I've stumbled upon the above phrase PTSD something I didn't think applied to me but as it would happen it does, here's an article explaining why it affects cancer survivors and the symptoms the later of which I can say I have all of the symptoms and have had for along time. This was something I thought the counsellor would pick up on but as per usual I've done some digging around and found this. I would urge any cancer patient/survivor/fighter to read this article its answered some of my questions and helped me understand why I have been so depressed and suicidal.
http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/cs-ptsd-is-real/?utm_source=bcs-bcaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=081815&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=cs-ptsd-is-real&origin=
I tick all the boxes with the symptoms for this particular disorder and will be bringing it up at my next session with the counsellor.
http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/cs-ptsd-is-real/?utm_source=bcs-bcaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=081815&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=cs-ptsd-is-real&origin=
I tick all the boxes with the symptoms for this particular disorder and will be bringing it up at my next session with the counsellor.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Counselling
Straight after the roller coaster ride of an appt. (see last post) I headed off to see my first counsellor at the local Macmillan centre. I didn't go and see anyone when I was first dx or subsequently mainly because one of the counsellors and her partner who was her boss were known to me in fact at the time they lived 2 doors down from me I didn't feel I could go into the centre or receive counselling having known them and there situation which heartbreakingly was also affected by breast cancer in that the counsellor in question had a sister die of breast cancer just as I was dx basically it was extenuating circumstances that kept me away but upon hearing that this particular person had moved on to another job I decided I try counselling out.
I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.
All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.
I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.
All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.
Tuesday, 26 May 2015
Back on the tread mill...
I've had a mixed bag of a month and both ends of the scale extreme high's and rejoicing at selling one of my paintings for over a £1,000 pounds also at the other end so low I could lie down and die. Its is of course down to the hideous hormones and the equally horrible drugs with side effects that are keeping me alive urghhhhh....... its a conundrum and a pretty important one at that. One of the side effects of Zoladex is yet more weight gain and after feeling pretty good with myself about losing a stone I've now put on nearly half a stone and I'm pretty sure its down to the Zoladex oh fucking joy!
So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?
This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier. June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.
So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?
This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier. June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.
Saturday, 16 May 2015
I'll Find My Way Home.....
Yesterday was a mixed bag of conflicting emotions on the one hand I was boosted by feeling enlightened with the Wounded Healer stuff and then I dove head long into a deep depression the only explanation for this is probably my hormones and the overall helplessness of my situation. I really want to stop having Herceptin and Zoladex but I know it would be the end. However, I am not afraid to die after all we are all heading in the same direction and no one can cheat death BUT I suppose I've still got something to accomplish on this planet and the survival instinct kicks in and you carry on taking the drugs plodding along on a knifes edge waiting for the next twist in the road or rather knowing there will be another twist in the road. I actually told my partner he would be better off without me and that I wanted to "stop the world from spinning cause I wanna get off." This all happened yesterday afternoon so I went to bed feeling suicidal and very low I woke up this morning at 5am not feeling any better but as I've experienced in the past a song running over and over again in my head and its not a song I've ever bought or even liked so I assume its another message from spirit as 'they' must know how bad I am feeling todays song was I'll Find My Way Home by Jon and Vangelis. If I wake up that early I have to get up otherwise it will develop into a migraine so I got up and looked the song up on my phone the lyrics shocked me, I didn't realise it was actually a prayer dressed up as an 80's pop song which is very deep with multi layered meanings. Here's the lyrics and the song on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Y3m7fisOU
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.
Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one
Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.
Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one
Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Cobain, Carey a medium and a load of questions......
It's one of those days (a worrying trend lately) I feel out of sorts, emotional like I'm gonna cry any second, why you may ask? well I don't quite know why? I certainly have good cause to feel upset (in the middle of waiting for a heap load of scan results) but its not even that.
I've just started listening to Nirvana I was never really into them before but for some reason I am drawn to this particular band and its dead lead singer Kurt Cobain he tragically died after shooting himself in the head, he suffered a lifetime of possibly bi-polar symptoms a classic raw talent taken too soon, his story made me feel that life is so pointless and needed some answers so googled Kurt Cobain and channelling sure enough I found blogs and written stories of mediums channeling Kurt, interestingly the questions and answers were very informative and did bring some comfort BUT its left me feeling low. I decided to ask a few questions of spirit myself the main one today is "how can I carry on?' you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden a definite answer came to me "your faith is your strength" wise words indeed and upon further pondering I believe to be the truth. Without my faith I would be an empty vessel wandering aimlessly on this planet, weirdly my faith anchors me to the earth (you would think this would be the opposite). I suppose some would say that I'm being too self indulgent but to me having faith is the difference between life or death.
Recently I've been to see some mediums and clairvoyants one of the things that stuck out for me from the strongest reading was that my problem is "you don't believe that what you think has any effect" this I am informed is my major problem and I have to say that to some extent this is in my opinion true. I suppose its because I don't believe I thought myself ill in other words I didn't think myself into breast cancer did I? so it stands to reason that I would believe that thoughts have no effect, also if it was true then thinking that you don't have breast cancer would surely be the cure. Apologies if I am confusing you but this is what is going on in my bloody head at the moment and I need to get to the bottom of it, instinctively feel this is very important. This theory keeps being presented to me only the other day I came across this short speech by the Actor Jim Carey http://youtu.be/V80-gPkpH6M his speech was about asking the universe for help in fact asking for whatever you want and believing in yourself. Carey talks about his mission in "The church of freedom from concern". The questions he poses are interesting and important "how will you serve the world?" "what have you got to offer others?" he goes on to say "risk being seen in all of your glory" this echo's some of what Kurt had said through the medium that his purpose was to teach "self expression through his music" this blew me away.
Later on in the evening I had a conversation with F. (fellow breast cancer patient and friend) we discussed the whole 'you are what you think' concept and she offered an alternative answer. Not that either of us thought ourselves ill but maybe our thought patterns at that time had in some way contributed to a low immune system which in tern brought about the cancer. I for one was in a bad way prior to being dx I was unemployed, depressed, and miserable my self esteem was at an all time low and I literally didn't want to wake up. It makes sense to me that this state of mind may of proved the perfect recipe for the immune system to fall flat on the floor, inviting in all manner of nasties including cancer. This makes more sense to me that just simply thinking yourself sick.
I've just started listening to Nirvana I was never really into them before but for some reason I am drawn to this particular band and its dead lead singer Kurt Cobain he tragically died after shooting himself in the head, he suffered a lifetime of possibly bi-polar symptoms a classic raw talent taken too soon, his story made me feel that life is so pointless and needed some answers so googled Kurt Cobain and channelling sure enough I found blogs and written stories of mediums channeling Kurt, interestingly the questions and answers were very informative and did bring some comfort BUT its left me feeling low. I decided to ask a few questions of spirit myself the main one today is "how can I carry on?' you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden a definite answer came to me "your faith is your strength" wise words indeed and upon further pondering I believe to be the truth. Without my faith I would be an empty vessel wandering aimlessly on this planet, weirdly my faith anchors me to the earth (you would think this would be the opposite). I suppose some would say that I'm being too self indulgent but to me having faith is the difference between life or death.
Recently I've been to see some mediums and clairvoyants one of the things that stuck out for me from the strongest reading was that my problem is "you don't believe that what you think has any effect" this I am informed is my major problem and I have to say that to some extent this is in my opinion true. I suppose its because I don't believe I thought myself ill in other words I didn't think myself into breast cancer did I? so it stands to reason that I would believe that thoughts have no effect, also if it was true then thinking that you don't have breast cancer would surely be the cure. Apologies if I am confusing you but this is what is going on in my bloody head at the moment and I need to get to the bottom of it, instinctively feel this is very important. This theory keeps being presented to me only the other day I came across this short speech by the Actor Jim Carey http://youtu.be/V80-gPkpH6M his speech was about asking the universe for help in fact asking for whatever you want and believing in yourself. Carey talks about his mission in "The church of freedom from concern". The questions he poses are interesting and important "how will you serve the world?" "what have you got to offer others?" he goes on to say "risk being seen in all of your glory" this echo's some of what Kurt had said through the medium that his purpose was to teach "self expression through his music" this blew me away.
Later on in the evening I had a conversation with F. (fellow breast cancer patient and friend) we discussed the whole 'you are what you think' concept and she offered an alternative answer. Not that either of us thought ourselves ill but maybe our thought patterns at that time had in some way contributed to a low immune system which in tern brought about the cancer. I for one was in a bad way prior to being dx I was unemployed, depressed, and miserable my self esteem was at an all time low and I literally didn't want to wake up. It makes sense to me that this state of mind may of proved the perfect recipe for the immune system to fall flat on the floor, inviting in all manner of nasties including cancer. This makes more sense to me that just simply thinking yourself sick.
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Back for a bit....
Hello all,
Well I'm back from the terrifically sunny and absolutely gorgeous Newquay it was truly great just too get away although I did miss the cats terribly. Plenty of walks and talks with my friend sandy we also managed to visit the Japanese Garden just outside of Newquay which is magical especially at this time of year, I took a heap load of photo's and ate far too much but what the hell I figured I deserved a break. Taught my friend Sandy to paint with Acrylics which pleased her and me enormously also did a couple of paintings myself. My partner Lee got on and has started the conversion so we will be going back over in a fortnights time for another week and so it goes on until its finished.
MRI results came through whilst I was away in Newquay and the doc's say I'm cancer free on the brain so big massive sigh of relief and something to celebrate for a change. Hospital appointments are sort of dying down I've got a routine heart scan on the 31st of May and a lymph nurse appointment other than that I don't have to go to the dreaded oncology department for 3 months!!! first time in 2 years, so hallelujah to that. Although I have a slight nagging fear going on in the back of my head which is only alleviated by having regular scans, the doc's said I'd been stable for long enough for them to give my body a radiation scan break.
Other news is I'm still steadily putting on the bloody weight very annoying, this has been getting too me I try not to let it piss me off but I've spent my whole life as a skinny size 8 and now I'm trying on clothes that are a fucking size 16!!!! bloody tamoxifen!!!! When I say gets to me I mean I get really depressed and dive into the fridge I figure I may as well go with it even when I'm just having juice and nothing else I put on weight I may as well eat what the hell I like and be done with it. The worst part is not being able to fit into any of my clothes also I've taken all the mirrors down I can't stand looking at myself anymore because the person staring back at me quite simply is not the Sarah I knew before all of this shit started, its so depressing, god knows what my boyfriend thinks!
Hope you are all doing well and sending everyone some love and light
Sarah xxx
Well I'm back from the terrifically sunny and absolutely gorgeous Newquay it was truly great just too get away although I did miss the cats terribly. Plenty of walks and talks with my friend sandy we also managed to visit the Japanese Garden just outside of Newquay which is magical especially at this time of year, I took a heap load of photo's and ate far too much but what the hell I figured I deserved a break. Taught my friend Sandy to paint with Acrylics which pleased her and me enormously also did a couple of paintings myself. My partner Lee got on and has started the conversion so we will be going back over in a fortnights time for another week and so it goes on until its finished.
MRI results came through whilst I was away in Newquay and the doc's say I'm cancer free on the brain so big massive sigh of relief and something to celebrate for a change. Hospital appointments are sort of dying down I've got a routine heart scan on the 31st of May and a lymph nurse appointment other than that I don't have to go to the dreaded oncology department for 3 months!!! first time in 2 years, so hallelujah to that. Although I have a slight nagging fear going on in the back of my head which is only alleviated by having regular scans, the doc's said I'd been stable for long enough for them to give my body a radiation scan break.
Other news is I'm still steadily putting on the bloody weight very annoying, this has been getting too me I try not to let it piss me off but I've spent my whole life as a skinny size 8 and now I'm trying on clothes that are a fucking size 16!!!! bloody tamoxifen!!!! When I say gets to me I mean I get really depressed and dive into the fridge I figure I may as well go with it even when I'm just having juice and nothing else I put on weight I may as well eat what the hell I like and be done with it. The worst part is not being able to fit into any of my clothes also I've taken all the mirrors down I can't stand looking at myself anymore because the person staring back at me quite simply is not the Sarah I knew before all of this shit started, its so depressing, god knows what my boyfriend thinks!
Hope you are all doing well and sending everyone some love and light
Sarah xxx
Friday, 23 November 2012
The Sound of Silence......
Its a week ago since 'black friday' and everything is starting to feel sort of 'ok' again. I suppose I'm just going to have to accept that every now and then I'm going to feel miserable and suicidal, I can't do anything about this I believe it is mainly drug induced and those drugs are keeping me alive so when you weigh it all up you simply have to accept it. Every body gets depressed at some point in their lives its just exasperated and heightened in me by my dx and drugs.
We've just had some terrible storms for me it was kind of an external expression of how I was feeling internally, we've had flooding, gales, tree's down, freezing cold frost, hail stones just about every kind of extreme weather scenario, today I woke up to the sound of silence, and it was wonderful. No lashing rain against the window, no howling wind just sheer bliss and utter silence, well silence at least until my 2 cats woke up with their meowing and the pheasants outside started calling lol. The storm has passed not just physically but metaphysical and cleared the air leaving total calm.
We've just had some terrible storms for me it was kind of an external expression of how I was feeling internally, we've had flooding, gales, tree's down, freezing cold frost, hail stones just about every kind of extreme weather scenario, today I woke up to the sound of silence, and it was wonderful. No lashing rain against the window, no howling wind just sheer bliss and utter silence, well silence at least until my 2 cats woke up with their meowing and the pheasants outside started calling lol. The storm has passed not just physically but metaphysical and cleared the air leaving total calm.
Saturday, 17 November 2012
and another thing.....
As you can see from my last post I am very depressed at the moment and to some extent think its because I'm not producing any paintings anymore (not the designs of the last post), I really don't want cancer to stop me from being creative but don't feel like creating ever since I got dx, why?? I am perplexed by this and don't believe its just me as other creative types with breast cancer are also complaining about not feeling the urge. I suppose I put art up on a pedestal and for the last 20 years it has been my everything, thinking about it I feel that maybe a part of me is blaming art/design for my getting cancer, I was really stressed out before dx, it's really hard trying to make a living from your art, some months you make no money at all and then maybe over night your make a small fortune, and then sometimes big companies rip you off (see previous post) it certainly is not for the faint hearted.
My OH (other half) has gone visiting his family this afternoon which is a good thing, he's not seen them for a while and I think we both need a break from each other, this is not too say that I don't love him any less but I think he would agree we need some time to ourselves. When I was first dx I hated being on my own I was so very lonely I still suffer with loneliness but its of the inward variety, the sort that only others experiencing breast cancer and all its associated problems will understand, most of the time I feel like an alien inside my own body this is because since being dx I have put on nearly 2 stone in weight for the first time in my life before I was always a stable size 8-10 now I can range anything from sizes 12 -14 I am not used to my body hence the recent injury this could also be attributed to chemo brain which I am suffering from, your brain just does not function like it did before chemo its sort of like living in a constant fog its a phenomena known by the phrase 'chemo brain'.
Just had a stroll around the field at the back of the flats, its beautiful even on a wintery day like today I can hear some dogs barking in the distance and the sound of the huntsman's gun the poor pheasants don't stand a chance. The perk of living in the countryside is being so close to nature but the downside is the country people who I have too say are not that friendly and their ways, they just love to hunt and kill this is nothing new they have hunted with dogs and guns for a very long time but I suppose I am waring of the seasonal slaughter also find them so rude and very hard to get to know, some of them can be so aloof and unfortunately very stuck up, we have lived here for over 8 years and we hardly know anyone around here. It is for this reason as well as others that we have decided to look for somewhere else to live preferably a little nearer civilisation but sill on the outskirts of a good city. So far living here has not brought us any luck or happiness I feel maybe I need to move on to fresh pastures somewhere we can flourish and I can learn to adjust to a new me. This place with all its beauty is now tainted for me and only serves as a constant reminder of the recent past and my terrible dx.
My OH (other half) has gone visiting his family this afternoon which is a good thing, he's not seen them for a while and I think we both need a break from each other, this is not too say that I don't love him any less but I think he would agree we need some time to ourselves. When I was first dx I hated being on my own I was so very lonely I still suffer with loneliness but its of the inward variety, the sort that only others experiencing breast cancer and all its associated problems will understand, most of the time I feel like an alien inside my own body this is because since being dx I have put on nearly 2 stone in weight for the first time in my life before I was always a stable size 8-10 now I can range anything from sizes 12 -14 I am not used to my body hence the recent injury this could also be attributed to chemo brain which I am suffering from, your brain just does not function like it did before chemo its sort of like living in a constant fog its a phenomena known by the phrase 'chemo brain'.
Just had a stroll around the field at the back of the flats, its beautiful even on a wintery day like today I can hear some dogs barking in the distance and the sound of the huntsman's gun the poor pheasants don't stand a chance. The perk of living in the countryside is being so close to nature but the downside is the country people who I have too say are not that friendly and their ways, they just love to hunt and kill this is nothing new they have hunted with dogs and guns for a very long time but I suppose I am waring of the seasonal slaughter also find them so rude and very hard to get to know, some of them can be so aloof and unfortunately very stuck up, we have lived here for over 8 years and we hardly know anyone around here. It is for this reason as well as others that we have decided to look for somewhere else to live preferably a little nearer civilisation but sill on the outskirts of a good city. So far living here has not brought us any luck or happiness I feel maybe I need to move on to fresh pastures somewhere we can flourish and I can learn to adjust to a new me. This place with all its beauty is now tainted for me and only serves as a constant reminder of the recent past and my terrible dx.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Better out than in.....
A quick up date on how things are going, well the bites have disappeared thankfully just as the sun decides to make an appearance finally!!!!! The statement "it never rains and then it pours" is literally what we have been experiencing in the uk, fingers and toes crossed this weather will hold out for what is left of our pathetic summer!
The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.
Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.
Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit, the bottom line is it could save my life.
The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.
Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.
Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit, the bottom line is it could save my life.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Depression linked to artificial light during the night
Switching off your TV or computer before bed may help to prevent depression, new research suggests. A study on animals by researchers at the Ohio State University Medical Centre found that exposure to dim lighting at night from electronic displays and other sources may lead to mood disorders. Siberian hamsters were exposed to different light and dark conditions for four weeks. Half of the animals received a chronic dim light setting - the equivalent to having a TV on in a dark room - throughout the night. When compared with the hamsters exposed to complete darkness, those that experienced low light lacked energy, motivation and were less likely to drink their sugar water.
“The results we found in hamsters are consistent with what we know about depression in humans,” said Tracy Bedrosian, one of the authors of the study.
The findings highlighted changes in the tissue of the hippocampus which were similar to changes found in people with depression. Within a week of returning to a standard light-dark cycle, the hamsters had made a full recovery.
Researchers say that the rise in exposure to artificial light at night over the last 50 years has coincided with rising rates of depression, especially among women. Light pollution can come from electronic displays, overhead lighting in the home as well as streetlights, passing traffic and neighbouring buildings.
“The good news is that people who stay up late in front of the television and computer may be able to undo some of the harmful effects just by going back to a regular light-dark cycle and minimising their exposure to artificial light at night,” Bedrosian says. “That’s what the results we found in hamsters would suggest.” The results are published in the Molecular Psychiatry journal and the article was taken from my email news.
“The results we found in hamsters are consistent with what we know about depression in humans,” said Tracy Bedrosian, one of the authors of the study.
The findings highlighted changes in the tissue of the hippocampus which were similar to changes found in people with depression. Within a week of returning to a standard light-dark cycle, the hamsters had made a full recovery.
Researchers say that the rise in exposure to artificial light at night over the last 50 years has coincided with rising rates of depression, especially among women. Light pollution can come from electronic displays, overhead lighting in the home as well as streetlights, passing traffic and neighbouring buildings.
“The good news is that people who stay up late in front of the television and computer may be able to undo some of the harmful effects just by going back to a regular light-dark cycle and minimising their exposure to artificial light at night,” Bedrosian says. “That’s what the results we found in hamsters would suggest.” The results are published in the Molecular Psychiatry journal and the article was taken from my email news.
It has been suggested that breast cancer may be caused in someway by depression and stress, most of the women that I have spoken with who have breast cancer certainly either had a bad bout of depression or severe to moderate stress prior to diagnoses. I did write another article on lack of the hormone melatonin due to lack of sleep and the connection to nightshift workers and cancer. All of this definitely needs further research, although even if it is depression/stress how are we going to tackle it in an attempt to halt or stop someone getting cancer, its food for thought.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
PJ's and sofa day
Today not feeling so good been camped out on the sofa all day, woke up really early with massive hot flush that persisted throughout the day in fact the whole day was one massive fucking hot flush, the only thing that gives me any respite from it is to stick my head in the freezer/fridge or out of the window, anyone who thinks that hot flushes are doable have got to be kidding me, I mean seriously it really is the final straw, I'm sat here with sweat pouring off of me whilst I type this, I was supposed to see my oncologist this week as part of the rads appointments but he was off ill and is now off on holiday so can't ask him about taking sage tea and fig leaf tea for the hot flushes, everything I take has to be ok'd by him for fear of it interfering with the tamoxifen or adding to my estrogen (my cancer is estrogen rich meaning it feeds off my estrogen), so stuck with not being able to take anything for the dam hot flushes until I speak to him, I did go on the forum and ask the ladies on there about sage and fig leaf tea but did'nt get many responses and the ones I did get seem to conflict nobody seems to know whether or not it is safe for me to take sage/fig leaf tea with the medication I am on, I was prescribed anti-depressants for the hot flushes but after taking only one I was near suicidal and decided to refrain from taking them and try natural alternatives instead, hence my day on the sofa in my pj's on and off sleeping with a sort of headache that has not materialized into anything yet but my head still feels fuzzy, I have taken 2 paracetamol/codeine tablets and an anti-sickness tablet just in case I had a repeat of sickness day I experienced a couple of weeks ago. I really really hope that this is just a side effect of the rads or rads fatigue that I am experiencing and not another hormonal migrane problem. God when will this shit ever end!!! Only three more radio sessions left next week then thats over and done with stroll on wednesday!
Sunday, 8 January 2012
New Year Resolutions
My resolutions for this year 2012 are:
1. To get healthy and be cancer free
2. Enjoy life, smile and feel happiness
3. Stay away from negative hurtful people
4. Visit my spiritual home more often (Glastonbury)
5. Stick to juice diet/supplements
6. Produce more art works
7. To go with the flow
8. Go for CBT Cognitive Behavorial Therapy
9. Be kind to myself
10. Accept help where needed
11. Start Yoga or walk everyday
12. Adopt a kinder more sympathetic attitude
1. To get healthy and be cancer free
2. Enjoy life, smile and feel happiness
3. Stay away from negative hurtful people
4. Visit my spiritual home more often (Glastonbury)
5. Stick to juice diet/supplements
6. Produce more art works
7. To go with the flow
8. Go for CBT Cognitive Behavorial Therapy
9. Be kind to myself
10. Accept help where needed
11. Start Yoga or walk everyday
12. Adopt a kinder more sympathetic attitude
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Retail Therapy
I am much better than I was at the weekend and I am sorry for my last post or if it upset anyone I just had to vent my rage and anger.
So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it. I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.
More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.
So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it. I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.
More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.
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