I'll Find My Way Home.....

Yesterday was a mixed bag of conflicting emotions on the one hand I was boosted by feeling enlightened with the Wounded Healer stuff and then I dove head long into a deep depression the only explanation for this is probably my hormones and the overall helplessness of my situation. I really want to stop having Herceptin and Zoladex but I know it would be the end. However, I am not afraid to die after all we are all heading in the same direction and no one can cheat death BUT I suppose I've still got something to accomplish on this planet and the survival instinct kicks in and you carry on taking the drugs plodding along on a knifes edge waiting for the next twist in the road or rather knowing there will be another twist in the road. I actually told my partner he would be better off without me and that I wanted to "stop the world from spinning cause I wanna get off." This all happened yesterday afternoon so I went to bed feeling suicidal and very low I woke up this morning at 5am not feeling any better but as I've experienced in the past a song running over and over again in my head and its not a song I've ever bought or even liked so I assume its another message from spirit as 'they' must know how bad I am feeling todays song was I'll Find My Way Home by Jon and Vangelis. If I wake up that early I have to get up otherwise it will develop into a migraine so I got up and looked the song up on my phone the lyrics shocked me, I didn't realise it was actually a prayer dressed up as an 80's pop song which is very deep with multi layered meanings. Here's the lyrics and the song on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Y3m7fisOU

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home

My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.

Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one

Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home

Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Regression Therapy..........

Just got back from a 2 hour appointment with a lovely lady called Sue Minns writer of the excellent book 'Bodies and Soul's.' The appointment was for Regression Therapy and I will detail what happened.

Arrived feeling a little apprehensive but positive about being there initially we discussed my problem(s) which I don't feel able to share with you quite yet but can confirm that she knew about my breast cancer and the shingles after about 3 quarters of an hour discussing she then invited me to pick cards from 2 decks which showed I was indeed at a crucial point on my journey through this life I picked a card that depicted a bridge meaning transitional cross roads then I picked a card that had books on it this  was in direct relation to my creativity and I took this too mean writing after this I was asked to lie down on her couch and get comfortable I was taken through a lot of relaxation techniques and then guided by her into my own psyche and into my past lives or past of this life. I was surprised by what happened next when asked what do you see I could relay what I now know to be a village by the Ganges in India, I was an elderly lady of about 100! dressed in a midnight blue sari, my hands were withered and my bare feet were equally worn, I was surrounded by water containers and the magnificent Ganges River. The lady's name was Medina/medina/medena something of that nature and when asked what her life was like she said "hard"then I was propelled further to another significant point in Medina's life it was her death she was lying on her bed in a small mud hut construction not many people around her when asked how she felt she said "relief" and I get the impression that she was glad to go. Ironically for someone so spiritual I have never ever once wanted or felt the urge to go to India, I now know why!!!! I have been experiencing artist block and wanted to ask how I could remove the block and flow, Medina told me that all I had too do was ask for her help and she would be there that she was always there holding my hand and guiding me, she sent much love to me, by this time I was in tears running down my face but they were good tears, tears of relief. She also mentioned that creativity was like a magic spark.  By now you might of guessed that Medina is not a separate entity she is part of me, she is me in a previous lifetime I have too tell you that whilst I was experiencing the reality that was Medina's life/body all my other sense's were heightened, I could smell the river and the dusty musty smell of a hot country with hints of exotic spice and incense wafting around it was as if I was actually there, utterly remarkable, I found the whole experience both cathartic and at the same time highly emotionally charged.

So what does all this say about me and my life now I hear you ask quite simply I need to embrace myself, nurture my creativity and ASK for help or guidance, reach out to the other side, if I do this then I feel that I'm finally going in the right direction. Others that showed up were my Grandmother Ellen my old cat Minnie and a raven called Caroq. I have noticed that a very large crow/raven shows up in my back garden everyday, he sits in the tree looking directly at me at first I thought this was a bad omen but it turns out that I was a witch in a previous lifetime and that bird and cat were my familiars if your interested in this then please follow this link that explains more http://wiccanmagick69.tripod.com/id15.html. The black fluffy cat Minnie has accompanied me through lots of different lives.

Love and light to you all
Sarah xxxx

Communications from the other side......

If you are a follower of this blog you will know that I am a spiritual person with a deep held belief system. In light of this and the previous posts which if I am being honest were fairly negative and I think you could describe my mind set presently as acutely depressed. So by chance I came across a blog that I haven't looked at in over a year, to explain, I found this blog site 'Spiritual light on Cancer' (link at the bottom) way back when I was dx but due to being in a heightened state of panic and fear didn't read it at the time but saved it for a later date, well that later date has finally arrived and I have spent the afternoon reading the blog in fact I printed it out and laid out on the couch and read it in my warm lounge (computer room is freezing) whilst I might add listening to some wonderfully deep meditation music by Osho. Anyway back to the blog, it is written by a fellow breast cancer patient Fiona and one with secondary's or mets basically the same as me, she is a spiritual person and due to her dx has lots of questions about her disease (as we all do) she has a friend called Zoe who lives in England who is a medium and channels spirit, Fiona and Zoe have been working together asking questions and obtaining replies from spirit guides, if you are interested in this then I highly recommend that you read the blog as I feel there is something fundamentally truthful in this, although I have to say that its taken a bit of re-reading to fully understand some of what has been said. I am presently forming a list of 1-10 points pertaining to this blog and the questions it posses and want to try and get the gist of it written down in a more coherent format, so that it is easier to digest. This is not too say that any of you wont understand what has been written, but it is for myself to completely understand and make some sense of what has been said. This could take some time but I think it will be well worth it in the long run. If your interested here's the link http://spiritual-light-on-cancer.blogspot.co.uk/
I will post next when I have put the list together. Love and light to all xxx

The bigger picture.....

Yesterday was a complete wash out here, it just would not let up on the rain, we have enough now!!!! Unfortunately due to the weather and yet another migraine I was forced into a sofa and pj's day, instead of going over to Glastonbury as previously posted, so cant report on that at the moment although will be driving in the next couple of weeks to collect the Red Spring waters.

Since being dx with this disease I have been forced to look at the world through renewed eyes (no rose tinted specks for me!!!) this new way of being has led to some life altering special moments. These poignant reminders of our fragility those special moments that say loud and clear THINK ABOUT IT or TAKE NOTICE, are normally very few and far between in an ordinary life but to someone afflicted with a life threatening prognosis they can come thick and fast. My most recent 'moment' came whilst watching the BBC 2 Horizon programme http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/b01mgllj/ all about mapping the universe, yes thats right they are mapping the universe, crazy but true, now I'm no brain of britain so some of what they talk about goes over my head like blah blah and general babble, occasionally some of it actually seeps into the old grey matter and I have a eureka moment. Its hard to put into words exactly what I have realised but something has twigged inside and brings me enormous comfort, maybe its the imagery they use in the programme showing you how infinite the universe is, the size of it is just mind boggling, our planet looks like nothing more than a speck of dust in the whole scheme of things, or maybe its because when you actually think about it you are faced with life's ultimate questions, the meaning and purpose you cannot deny the existence of something else, something totally awesome you just can't contemplate it. People dress this up as religion or god and I never doubt that there is an existence beyond the one we are bound to live on this planet, I believe in spirit and soul, I cannot accept that when we die that is it, we witness miracles everyday and the wonder of nature constantly.