I'll Find My Way Home.....

Yesterday was a mixed bag of conflicting emotions on the one hand I was boosted by feeling enlightened with the Wounded Healer stuff and then I dove head long into a deep depression the only explanation for this is probably my hormones and the overall helplessness of my situation. I really want to stop having Herceptin and Zoladex but I know it would be the end. However, I am not afraid to die after all we are all heading in the same direction and no one can cheat death BUT I suppose I've still got something to accomplish on this planet and the survival instinct kicks in and you carry on taking the drugs plodding along on a knifes edge waiting for the next twist in the road or rather knowing there will be another twist in the road. I actually told my partner he would be better off without me and that I wanted to "stop the world from spinning cause I wanna get off." This all happened yesterday afternoon so I went to bed feeling suicidal and very low I woke up this morning at 5am not feeling any better but as I've experienced in the past a song running over and over again in my head and its not a song I've ever bought or even liked so I assume its another message from spirit as 'they' must know how bad I am feeling todays song was I'll Find My Way Home by Jon and Vangelis. If I wake up that early I have to get up otherwise it will develop into a migraine so I got up and looked the song up on my phone the lyrics shocked me, I didn't realise it was actually a prayer dressed up as an 80's pop song which is very deep with multi layered meanings. Here's the lyrics and the song on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Y3m7fisOU

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home

My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.

Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one

Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home

Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Faith, hope and charity........

A tragic tale of a 92 year old who 'Lost her faith in people' after living through a war, suffering loss and pain, giving to charity and raising vast sums of money, surviving breast cancer 2 years ago after all of this and a long long life she took her own life by jumping off the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol due to losing her faith in humanity. It begs belief doesn't it? bless her soul she couldn't comprehend that in these modern times people would be untrustworthy and cruel, after all her 92 years on the planet finally her faith had been shattered. I'm struggling to find the words to express how tragic this death is, she had lived through a war which took her first husband she suffered and experienced great loss so that we can live a free life and she's repaid with a loss of faith in the society her husband had gone to war to defend. Terrible terrible modern society, I often wonder where we are all heading????? If our elderly can survive to such a grand old age and then at the end of it all loose faith, I know its made me question my own faith and has me asking where is the hope? where is the charity? My own grandmother and her sisters were nicknamed Faith, Hope and Charity there lives were hard being brought up in a work house the daughters of romany gypsies their generation never moaned or complained they just got on with it. RIP Olive Cooke, Edna Sweet, Aunty Dol and Aunty Phil you had all the faith, hope and charity between you I only hope we can find some in these dark modern days.

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/britain-s-oldest-poppy-seller-found-dead-aged-92-after--losing-her-faith-in-people-105637894.html#o1I5Arq

Where's your head at?

Ok so I think its about time I filled you in on where I'm at at this particular moment in time. Obviously I'm still receiving Herceptin and taking daily Tamoxifen, I haven't had a whole body CT scan for about 8 month's now and feel I've gradually slipped into my new life post Cancer. However, I'm not the same person I was before and have changed almost everything about myself and my life. I continue to eat healthy and avoid red meat (I only eat free range chicken once a month) other than that I eat fish, eggs and pro-biotic organic yoghurt. I try to juice at least 3 times a week (I was doing this daily for just over 2 years) I've cut it down as I've started to feel better and believe juicing 3 times a week is sufficient in keeping my body both alkaline and healthy.  I continue to go for healing at least once a week this is very necessary and life re-affirming, I can't live without it. I try to meditate daily or at the very least weekly and I attend a weekly meditation group where we concentrate on healing. Yoga has become a weekly practice which also helps with the meditation. Another massive plus is I've started painting again and I feel ok about it. I'm in the middle of painting a couple of new collections and finished off old paintings this has proved to be quite cathartic and has brought me a new lease of life.

Occasionally I slip into my old mind set but I do recognise that this is not healthy and more importantly I am aware of it and try to nip it in the bud before it takes hold of me. Negative thought patterns are not tolerated anymore. This is easier said than done of course as the mind is a powerful manipulator, it also doesn't help when other people pass away or deteriorate with this disease, I can't help getting upset when someone passes even though I know they are going 'home' back to their natural spiritual state. I try to remind myself that this reaction to someones passing is natural and needs to be embraced worked through and ultimately let go of.

In answer to the title of this post my head is in a good place at the moment, I am positive and I've started to plan for the future something I never thought I'd be able to do especially on the work front. I've decided that I want to become a further education teacher possibly teaching foundation in art at a college as well as finishing my current paintings is my goal at the moment, myself and my partner have other plans but I'm going to try and stay focused on my current projects.

Incredible story.......

Follow this link to a story about a young woman with breast cancer that healed herself via faith and juicing enjoy http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/ashlies-breast-cancer-miracle/

New and now tested 'Smart Bomb' for cancer...

An article I grabbed from the news on the new and now tested 'Smart Bomb' for curing cancer.

Scientists have successfully tested a capillary "smart bomb" that simultaneously attacks cancer and boosts the immune system. The tiny hollow spheres become trapped in leaky tumour blood vessels, where they unleash an anti-cancer drug. At the same time the spheres, called nanolipogels (NLGs), release a protein that rallies the body's own defences. Researchers tested the spheres in mice on melanoma skin cancer that had spread to the lungs. Tumour growth was significantly delayed and the survival of the mice increased. The new technology overcomes a problem with cancer treatment that has been difficult to tackle using conventional therapies, say the scientists. Cancer tumours are known to secrete chemicals that confuse the immune system. But attempts to boost patient immunity while at the same time neutralising the cancer's chemical arsenal rarely work. The NLGs, described in the journal Nature Materials, package together two completely different kinds of molecule. One is designed to overcome a potent cancer defence weapon called TGF-beta, which stunts the local immune system. The other, an interleukin signalling molecule, boosts immune system activity. Researcher Dr Stephen Wrzesinski, from Yale University School of Medicine in the US, said: "One problem with current metastatic (spreading) melanoma immunotherapies is the difficulty managing autoimmune toxicities when the treatment agents are administered throughout the body. "The novel nanolipogel delivery system we used will hopefully bypass systemic toxicities while providing support to enable the body to fight off the tumour at the tumour bed itself."Each NLG is small enough to travel through the bloodstream, but large enough to get entrapped in leaky cancer blood vessels. Once trapped, they biodegrade to release their cargo.