Lfe and Death - RIP DAD

Its been quite a while since I posted on this blog and I have avoided posting anything about my dad to date but as he has now passed away I feel I can now write and tell you all what we (as a family have been going through).

3 years ago my lovely dad had a stroke initially it was thought we had caught it early and after a long time in hospital and medication he eventually came home then just over a year ago he had another stroke this time it was worse and he didn't come home instead he ended up in a nursing home being unable to eat, blind in one eye, unable to talk or have a conversation and incontinent, I was devastated and for the past year I've been busy going up and down to Somerset visiting, then in May this year I had a phone call from my brother telling me dad was in his last days. Myself and my brother watched my dad pass away a peaceful calm death at the age of 75 after struggling with the effects of strokes for the past 3 years. Its been a little over 4 weeks since he passed and the grief is all consuming, its in everything I do, I try and try to get on with things but I keep returning to dad. This is so so hard, I loved him so much, he was a quiet man but as my grandma said "a true gentleman". I miss his sparkling blue eyes, his calm serene nature and his unconditional love for all his family. Dealing with death of a loved one brings life into sharp focus again, just like it did when I was first dx, life continues but its never the same there is always going to be a dad shaped hole in my life.

Della has departed but never forgotten.....

I don't really know where to start with this, tears over this, the wonderful Della has passed away, I didn't realise it was that bad, I knew she was struggling and prayed for her every day. This fucking vile disease takes yet another beautiful soul from the planet. The only consolation is she is no longer suffering. RIP discombobulated one, you were a tower of strength and an inspiration to all.

Night night Disco Della, I pray your dancing away up there in heaven having a ball, far away on the other side, blinding everyone with your brilliant light, leaving us all in the dark, but for the wit and writing in your wonderful blog http://discombobulateddel.blogspot.co.uk/ to console us.

Missing you so much. xx

RIP Dr Stephen Kelly

It is with a heavy heart that I can now report that my consultant Dr Stephen Kelly passed away last week. I found out by chance as I phoned his secretary to ask why I hadn't received a letter telling me when to come in for my CT scan results, it's been 8 weeks! This has happened before so I didn't think much of it and presumed my results were probably OK, but the real reason is because Dr Kelly had passed away and thrown the whole of oncology into turmoil. There were rumours and whispers of liver cancer but I thought he'd beaten it, apparently he had not. It doesn't seem right that someone devoted to treating patients of cancer should fall foul of the very same thing. I am in total shock and feel floored by this sad news. Now more than ever I need to move my care to a new hospital with a new Consultant. The other Dr's at my hospital do not inspire any great confidence and I've not really had very good experiences with them. Dr Kelly was by far the best if not at the hospital then defiantly in my area.

Absolutely gutted.

RIP Wisp

Can't believe I am writing this post with this title! My lovely little cat Wisp who was only 11 months old was mowed down by a driver on our country lane out the front of our house the careless driver didn't even stop! We were away at the time and my poor brother had to tell us over the phone then he had to bury him next to our other beloved cat Ted who also went the same way. It begs belief! They were both gorgeous young cats taken way too soon. I am understandably heart broken. What a mixed roller coaster ride of a week that was. Started off very normal and looking forward to going on a short holiday to Newquay staying a friends holiday house whilst my partner did a little bit of work for them on the house, then one day into the holiday we get the dreaded phone call about my little Wisp really hard to keep it together and couldn't grieve properly as we were in company we decided to stay as there was nothing we could do if we went home and Lee finished the job drove back home with heavy hearts and many tears on the Thursday again we couldn't grieve properly because our neighbours were getting married on the Saturday and people were arriving full of life and joy so again another brave face was put on I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over all that false smiling and I hate having my photo taken because I don't recognise the person in the photo as me it did my fucking head in. I managed to come home before the evening party and decided that was enough and stayed at home finally able to come to terms with what had happened. Then Sunday we went out for a meal with friends.

It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.

........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?

Sara by Fleetwood Mac

Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY

UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.

Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx

We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.

My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.

Faith, hope and charity........

A tragic tale of a 92 year old who 'Lost her faith in people' after living through a war, suffering loss and pain, giving to charity and raising vast sums of money, surviving breast cancer 2 years ago after all of this and a long long life she took her own life by jumping off the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol due to losing her faith in humanity. It begs belief doesn't it? bless her soul she couldn't comprehend that in these modern times people would be untrustworthy and cruel, after all her 92 years on the planet finally her faith had been shattered. I'm struggling to find the words to express how tragic this death is, she had lived through a war which took her first husband she suffered and experienced great loss so that we can live a free life and she's repaid with a loss of faith in the society her husband had gone to war to defend. Terrible terrible modern society, I often wonder where we are all heading????? If our elderly can survive to such a grand old age and then at the end of it all loose faith, I know its made me question my own faith and has me asking where is the hope? where is the charity? My own grandmother and her sisters were nicknamed Faith, Hope and Charity there lives were hard being brought up in a work house the daughters of romany gypsies their generation never moaned or complained they just got on with it. RIP Olive Cooke, Edna Sweet, Aunty Dol and Aunty Phil you had all the faith, hope and charity between you I only hope we can find some in these dark modern days.

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/britain-s-oldest-poppy-seller-found-dead-aged-92-after--losing-her-faith-in-people-105637894.html#o1I5Arq

RIP Rebecca Ferdinand

Yet another young woman has been taken by this vile disease at just 34 and with 3 young children Rebecca Ferdinand lost her fight with secondary breast cancer. A campaign to bring awareness and to get the much needed drugs added to the cancer fund is underway. I've said it before and I'll say it again "whats the point in fund raising to provide the money to develop drugs that will not be made available to those that need them?" yes were are back to that old chestnut again the cancer fund and the lack of drugs available. It just doesn't make any sense does it?

http://www.itv.com/news/granada/update/2015-05-05/campaigners-in-the-north-west-who-help-women-with-secondary-breast-cancer-are-calling-for-more-drugs-to-be-made-available-to-fight-the-disease/

This next link is written by a widower its his account of how secondary breast cancer stole his beautiful young wife, leaving 2 very young children.  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11584344/Rio-Ferdinand-is-one-of-us-now-a-young-widower-speaks-of-the-dreadful-pain.html

Sharing is caring.....

Fantastic article in the Telegraph today featuring the blog 'Written off' by Ellie Jeffery who passed away with secondary breast cancer in 2012. I used to follow Ellie's blog and she inspired me to look further than the end of my nose into all the alternatives, complementary medicines as well as the usual conventional treatments. It was Ellie that spurred me to write my own blog about my experiences and to chronicle them in a online diary. Sharing your story with the world might not help all the people but it certainly will help some of the people it is with this in mind that I continue to write this blog and share my views.

Here's the article /www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/healthadvice/11549205/Too-many-patients-suffer-from-cancer-alone-needlessly.html

Life carries on......

It's been a little over a month since my best friends partner died suddenly, we've had the funeral and the awkward first visit afterwards helped by having a bonfire in his name. The emotional side of this has really hit me I can't stand that she has to endure this, she looks so lost and frail at the moment. I am trying all I can to help her carry on because thats what she has too do carry on. In a weird way I do understand exactly what she's going through although my own death was in the form of my old life pre cancer days, its hard but you have to pick yourself up you can't live a life engulfed by grief there has to be an end to the perpetual tears and what if's, its early days for my friend and I am living proof that you do and can get over what appears to be the insurmountable.

So moving forwards, here we are again another Xmas I am truly grateful to be seeing it even though I've had a quite a few nasty hospital experiences this year I am doing ok and starting to feel actually happy for the first time in such a long time, my view of the world has forever changed and although I've grown and moved forward I can honestly say that I've also picked up some virtues I didn't think I would ever accept as part of me. Since dx I don't suffer fools very easily, I tell people how I see it warts and all approach if they don't like it so bloody what! in the words of Cheryl "I don't care" and I really don't. This is not a bad thing as some might think its a mark of becoming strong and having the courage to face life head on not accepting any shit is important, I realise before I was a bit flaky and a doormat. Not anymore. Please don't miss understand me I am not a hard nut I am still compassionate, caring and loving but I don't take no shit not anymore.

RIP Issy

Today is a sad day, today my online cancer buddy Ismena Clout passed away having just reached her 40th birthday last week she was an exceptionally strong lady who had fought this shit for the past 10 years being dx initially at the tender age of just 28, it begs belief doesn't it! She will be sadly missed and mourned by many not just her family and close friends but those of us who she has helped with her words of wisdom her compassion, advice, and her wit especially poignant knowing what she was going through. Another star in the sky another life snuffed out by this vile disease. RIP Issy you will be missed. Love and light my dear friend love and light..........

Issy wrote a blog in the early days for the Independent and most recently for the Huffington Post here's a link to her warts n all approach to writing and chronicling her fight to the bitter end.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ismena-clout/

RIP Polly Noble and Liz Greggory

Polly Noble has passed away she was only 32 and had been fighting aggressive cervical cancer that had spread to other vital organs since she was 24. Polly was a breath of fresh air she was an english Kris Carr. How can someone so young and vibrant be taken so very quickly. Polly was a wellness warrior and wrote books and websites on eating right including raw and green juicing. She didn't smoke or drink yet she still got taken by this fucking disease. I had signed up to Polly's website and would receive regular updates and recipes from her I was starting to think why haven't I had an email from Polly when all of the sudden it dawned on me something had happened. My worst fears were realised when I googled her name and the words funeral came up automatically. I started reading her obituary and tears rolled down, like they have so many times for so many different people some with breast cancer some with other types of cancer in the past 3 and a half years since being dx I've buried at least 20 women all of whom I'd had direct contact with via the internet or by phone, its quite simply shocking. Initially I react by getting tearful and upset then as the realisation of whats happened sinks in I get fucking angry I try not to as I think anger internalised is very very bad for you but my reactions are what they are and I am so angry why oh why oh why and what an utter waste of a caring, compassionate, inspired human being.......words fail me I am at a loss.....


R.I.P. Polly Noble you were a true inspiration and you didn't deserve your unbelievably unkind end.

I've added this today in honour and remembrance of the lovely Liz Gregory I met Liz on line, a fellow secondary breast cancer patient who was amongst others offered tremendous support and help in my hour of need. Liz was a salt of the earth kind of person compassionate and caring always willing to offer help and advice. This fucking cancer has finally got her I pray her passing was calm and that she was free of suffering and pain. As always she leaves behind a family whom now have to pick up the peices and continue without her.

R.I.P. Liz Gregory you will be missed, sending you lots of love and light lovely lady. xxx

Grief

Some of you may know that  apart from living with breast cancer I also have another life one filled with normal everyday things, the things that make you feel like a human being like looking after a home, being in a relationship and having pets. My choice of pet was 2 cats although it started out as being given a young female cat named Mitzi at the age of 1 and a half. Shortly after we found out she was pregnant after much deliberation we decided to let her keep her kittens. It was hard for her moving to a new home, pregnant she was afraid and stressed out. On November the 1st 2008 she gave birth to 5 kittens, 1 tortoiseshell, blonde coloured twins, a grey stripped one and lastly the tiny bundle of fluff I would call Ted. Initially I couldn't choose which of the kittens we were going to keep but this podgy fluffy ball kept coming to me, he would lie on his back and let me tickle his tummy. We went through all the learning curves with him, using the litter tray, eating solid food and eventually letting him go out. From the first day of letting him go out I could tell he was in his element. Most cats like to go outdoors its natural for them to want to go out into the big wide world, for Ted this meant going out into our wonderful woodland garden with wide open fields, streams and rivers he was quite simply in his element. I realised that I there was no way I could of kept him prisoner in the flat. As the years went by he grew into a massive cat the size of a small dog in fact one of his best friends was a neighbours Jack Russell named Woody, they loved each other and would give each other a kiss and roll about together. He also had a few annoying habits like waking us up at some ungodly hour to let him out by walking all over us. He loved the dawn and I shared a fair few with him. My partner and my pets kept me going through the long hard slog of chemo and gave me something to live for. Breast cancer took away my chance to have children so my cats became my children or fur babies. Too some this may sound ridiculous "how can you replace children with cats!" but this is what I did, I didn't have a choice that was taken away from me the day I got dx with breast cancer.

I think you may be getting the picture that something has happened to my beloved Ted. After being missing for 9 days we eventually were informed of a dead cat that was in the bushes, it appears he was run down by a car. We are both broken hearted, the grief I am feeling is all consuming. I've written on facebook and phoned those who knew and loved him. I am in physical pain for the loss of Ted. I can't stop crying, keep feeling sick and actually want to shut my eyes and never open them again. I feel devastated the same sort of devastation that I was feeling on being dx with breast cancer. I can't even think of how I am going to re-build my life and keep thinking I want to join him in the after life, even considered stopping taking all my treatments. This may sound extreme but its how I feel and I have to get it out of my system. Sorry for anyone who is reading this I know its heartbreaking. Here's a link to a website that deals with pet grief for anyone else who is suffering http://www.livingwithpetbereavement.com/grieving.htm

Me and Ted when he was a little kitten

Ted and his favourite toy squid

Ted playing in the leaves

RIP Ted we love and miss you so very much.xxxx

CT scan and Beliefs and Prayers.......

Its been a year since my last CT scan so I was due for one, arrived at the hospital early on Sunday morning (they are so busy they need to keep the scanner working 24 hours a day) waited for half an hour and then was taken by a very tall chinese doctor with an umbrella out to a mobile unit (I've never had this procedure done in a mobile unit before) it was raining and in spite of the umbrella we still got very wet, then what seemed like an age before they finally got the needle in and that familiar taste of metal and the feeling of wanting to pee came over me the actual scan only takes 10 mins at the most but its all the other stuff that takes so long. By the time we got home I was feeling sick and headachy so took some codeine and later due to that not working a sumatriptan. Now its back to the waiting game and my follow up appointment on the 4th of October.

I've done quite a lot of research on all things cancer and what you can do to help yourself but I'm feeling a bit out on a limb at the moment so decided to give Penny Brohn Centre a call and book up on a free Living Well Course, the centre is in Bristol and basically I would like to find out if I'm doing the right things ie: juicing and not eating dairy or meat and to speak with someone whose a proper trained nutritionist find out if I'm lacking in anything would be good apart from all of that its free and you stay at the centre overnight which is a beautiful old building on the outskirts of the city, I feel the need to meet up with others who are on a similar journey and more importantly who are actively helping themselves to thrive and survive.

 Its been really hard recently as 3 of the women from the chat group on FB have died two of which share the same name 'Sarah', I used to chat to both of these lovely ladies outside of the FB group and can't quite believe that they are gone, its knocked the wind out of me and I feel the need to distance myself further from all things breast cancer, I suppose what I'm saying is that trying to live with these constant deaths and upsets aren't really helping me stay positive. The women that have passed away I knew through the FB chat group and the BCC forum and as far as I know they didn't really try going down the holistic approach, I'm still juicing although not daily as I can't afford it, I do it  3 times a week and drink predominately green organic juice, also as far as I am aware I am the only one who goes to a spiritual healer and the bottom line is I'm the only one doing very well on this regime, obviously I do take Tamoxifen and have Herceptin but I also try all the alternatives when I can afford it and will actively follow the advice given by healers and practitioners. Some of the alternatives are free. I wish the others would give them a go, but you can't tell someone what to believe in, they have to find it for themselves. All I can do is pray for those still fighting and send some absent healing with love and light.

Another light on in heaven....

This is the fourth woman whom I was following and had a few online conversations with who I've just found out passed away last Monday. I hate this fucking disease, it just keeps getting harder and harder. First it was Ellie, then Lisa, closely followed by Laurie and now Fran all were way too young to die, all of them tried everything they could and unfortunately all have now passed away. I kept checking Frans blog site http://francescap79.tumblr.com/page/2 and couldn't help but think the worst when she hadn't posted for such a long time. Me and Fran shared the same in that we both had lung mets, this has really knocked me for six, such terrible news RIP Fran, god bless you.

I hope all the powers that be rot in hell......

The government it would seem likes to kick cancer patients again. WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS? makes my blood boil so in the future if I need these drugs they wont be available to me so I die, yet at the same time they won't allow someone who is slowly dying of the worst disease Motor Neurones to die with dignity at home they have too travel over too switzerland to a special clinic where they can be put too sleep. (my best friends mum has been very slowly and painfully dying of this disease over the past 15 years! she was told she would only live 2 years over 13 years ago, she cannot walk, talk, feed herself, go to the toilet she needs a nurse for all of these things and its currently costing around £5,000 per month to keep her going even though she doesn't want to be here anymore, she expressed by the only means she is capable of scribbling and writing with one hand that she does not want a peg when she can no longer use her mouth to eat a peg is where they drip feed you to keep you alive for fuck sake!!)  please read http://www.express.co.uk/news/health/386541/I-would-be-dead-now-if-not-for-new-cancer-drugs

Good night sweethearts x

I have just found out that on Christmas Day one of the wonderful ladies from the forum Amore has passed away, yet another victim of this dammed disease, she was a inspirational character full of wit and wisdom always a kind word to everyone, I shall miss her and all the other ladies that have passed away this year from Breast Cancer, please join me in saying a prayer for each and everyone of those who have fought and lost their battle with this terrible illness.
Love and light xxx

RIP God Bless you all
Amore Dulce
Geewhiz (Julie)
Kaz (Karen)
Miao
Nicky
Sadie
Elle
Wendy

The importance of being honest......

We have all heard of phrases like 'keeping it real, living in the here and now, being truthful with yourself' today I have been reminded that to be honest with oneself is the only way to be, some get by with living in denial, shoving it under the carpet and just plain pretending, me I live with it up close and personal somedays its sitting somewhere on my shoulders other days its in my face. We all have to come to terms with whatever it is that is challenging us whether that's our health our finances or family life we all live our lives as best we can taking each day one at a time.

Two things have prompted this post one is the passing of an old school friend who at the age of 44 passed away in her sleep on Friday night, she had a heart condition (same as her mother) she'd been out with her sisters and daughter that night and had a great time, went to bed and didn't wake up, shocking isn't it! I am glad she was spared the suffering and pain albeit she was taken way too young. The second by a fellow cancer patient who was worried about sharing the latest news of her disease progression and her decision to have chemo, as she is a self confessed juice junkie and advocate of alternative treatments she had up until now been successfully treating herself with a raw/juice diet and was worried about telling all her followers/readers of her decision

My advice to everyone reading this blog and anyone affected by the issues it raises, be kind to yourself and those around you no one knows when our time is up our bodies are just vehicles for the soul, all of us pass at some point and remember its not about the dying its about what we do whilst we are alive.  Live for the moment.

Wishing you all a very merry xmas and a much much happier new year.
Love and light to all
xxxxxxxxx

Black Friday.......Cant keep it in.....

MEGA WARNING AND ADVANCE APOLOGIES TO ALL THOSE SENSITIVE SOULS OR THE OVERLY POSITIVE READERS OF THIS BLOG SEVERE SWEARING AND MASSIVE NEGATIVITY IN THIS NEXT POST IN THE WORDS OF CAT STEVENS "I CANT KEEP IT IN, I GOTTA LET IT OUT.....

So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx

Light a candle, say a prayer...

It is with a heavy heart like a ton weight bearing down on me that I bring you the sad sad news about BCC forum poster Karen aka SCACO (staycalmandcarryon) who has passed away. I don't know the full details all I could find was comments on an 'in memory' thread on the forum, it would appear that she had developed secondaries, apparently whilst on holiday and was taken from us very very quickly. SCACO was a great friend to me when I was first dx she was always so positive and upbeat, she was a clever lady with a great sense of humour. Taken way too soon (I think she was late 30's). It seems that it was a very quick exit and I hope she did not suffer in pain for long.

SCACO is now the tenth woman I have become friends with over the past 18 months that has passed away from breast cancer. I hate this fucking disease its so warped and twisted there is no rhyme or reason to it. I pray every day that they find the cause for this absolute nightmare of a disease, at least then we might have a cure.

"God, it's so hard to stay positive when all around you is the utter chaos of cancer and its associated outcomes, please give me strength and courage to carry on and in the process to support and help others. Amen".

The conversation you never thought you'd have with yourself....

Constantly whirring around in my brain are the most bizarre thoughts, the worst being death, my own, questions that arise are is it going to be quick? will I suffer? is it painful? will I go on to the other place? (spiritually speaking) also what will happen when I've gone? will lee and the cats cope without me? this may sounds stupid but its all part of the utter nightmare that is cancer. I worry about the fact that I probably won't out live my cats! they are young at 4 and a 1/2 the other is 3, I love them so much, my partner lee is a younger man than myself at 31 even if I died in 5 years time he would still be young enough to carry on meet someone else and have a family, something we would dearly of loved to of had, obviously I hope with all my heart that he will meet someone else and start a family and live a life full of joy and love he deserves it, he's had too put up with me and this cancer shit for the best part of a year, and as I've got secondaries for as long as I last.

You see cancer isn't just about the person who has it its about all those around that person the loved ones, family and friends, I think my own parents are probably living in denial bless them, wish I could live in denial but in order to fight this shit you have to face up to it. My brother has gone nuts on a health kick its freaked him out so much and again I don't really think he has accepted my dx and some of my friends when I told them the breast cancer had spread onto my lungs I think they just chose to not hear or pretend it was not happening. We all cope with trauma in different ways, I have good and bad days today is so so, not great but better than sunday when I suffered with a massive migraine and sickness and actually wished for a swift end. I find as time goes by I am actually becoming very matter of fact about death and dying, I worry about the fact that my parents and partner don't have loads of money and what if they can't afford to bury me! or that my funeral will put everyone in debt.

These are not the conversations anybody should have in there mind this is what cancer does to you.

Enter the dark dark woods at your peril (severe swearing involved)

Very bad day today, cried all afternoon after having a go at my other half, my emotions and moods are surreal at the moment, one minute ultra happy the next I'm looking for an easy way out and when I say easy way out I mean it, seriously considering doing myself in today and really don't care about anything or anyone for the matter. Life is hard enough without having this s**ty breast cancer, the drugs I am on (tamoxifen/herceptin) make you into some sort of other worldly screaming banshie, they interfere with your ovaries and the production of estrogen which is feeding my cancer, but we need our estrogen we are women its part of being a woman to produce these hormones, I even dared to ask the questions "am I being punished ?" and if so "what the fuck did I do wrong?" I always thought I'd have children or at least one now all hope of having my own has faded away I was getting on in age anyway and now I'm likely to be on this dreaded tamoxifen for the next 5 years that should put a stop to any chance of conceiving and even if I did I question whether its really fair to bring a child into the world when lets face it I might not survive to oversee its upbringing, arghhhhhh I FUCKING HATE (when I say hate I really really mean it) CANCER seriously tho I was so very nasty to him, no need for it just plain awful, thats when I started crying and could not stop for 3 hours!!!! solidly, my eyes I can't open, what;s the fucking point. I do frequent the BC forums but the last time I opened up on a post feeling low I got some smart alec comment from another BC patient that made me not want to vent my rage or feelings this is why I started a blog its the only place I can air my proverbial dirty laundry all be it that I am probably talking to myself, why change the habit of a lifetime no one listens to me anyway and now I think they are all convinced that I must of done something wrong to get this in the first place, ergo whatever she's say's thinks is utter crap!!! A small thank you to myself for setting up such a blog in the first place so that I do have an outlet for tamoxifen induced suicidal feelings and pent up rage. When I stopped crying my missing boob started to hurt maybe all the upset is gonna give me more cancer oh what joy life is, the easy way out seems more appealing than ever. To top it all its FUCKING CHRISTMAS.