Bra-less

This is the first time I've shared my remaining massive boob problem. So I've gone from a size 32aa to a 42c its crackers and its taken me time to adjust to the massive boob but Im sick of it, its a constant reminder that Im ill or have been very ill, it hangs there useless and big and shouts out big boob with a problem to all that manage to chance a look. My main problem is I can't wear a bra it hurts me so much, I've worked out that when they took the lymph nodes out they must of taken some out of the torso of my body because I don't get lymphedema in the usual place ie: my arm its on the side of my body where the bra strap crosses, I kid you not it bloody kills if I put a bra on, I wore a bra to a wedding and after an hour wearing it I had to take it off in the loo's as it was killing me. So this leaves me bra less the majority of the time and having to wear things that cover up constantly. Obviously this is having a knock on effect and doesn't help my self confidence at all, the big boob is getting bigger and more droopy and I feel ugly and shit. I wished they'd of taken both the boobs at the same time at least I would be balanced, but they refused saying "I never operate on a healthy breast" uh I have secondary breast cancer both of them are pretty unhealthy. So I've phoned breast care nurse and mentioned this problem to her, she didn't realise this was the reason why I don't wear a bra and sympathised with me but told me this posed a problem that she didn't know the answer to so I'm waiting to hear what she comes up with, she did mention about reconstruction, something I decided against when I had the mastectomy but this might help my current bra less situation, I don't know but will keep you all posted.

Tricky Times

Its been ages since I last wrote a post so I thought I'd better bring you all up to date. My father had a stroke earlier on this year and after nearly 8 weeks in hospital he was released, unfortunately they released him way to early, he wasn't ready to come home and the house wasn't ready for a severely disabled person. So after a lot of phone calls and a couple of weeks spent at my mum and dads house we finally have managed to get nursing care for 4 weeks after which they will review and see if he needs any further care. I don't want to go into it on here but its been a nightmare! not just watching my dad struggle around the house with the stairs but also with all the red tape to go through just to get some help. It was made all the worse when my mum went down with flu which she then passed on to dad who already had pneumonia earlier on in the year all this put his recovery back to being bed ridden and so I was asked to come up and care for a fortnight, this I did, but I'm physically not able to lift him etc so was relieved when the nursing care finally was sorted. Worryingly my father was referred to the lung cancer department and was supposed to go for a CT scan earlier on in the year after his bout of pneumonia, due to the stroke this got left by the wayside and forgotten about, however today he faces a CT scan to check out that earlier niggle. Stressed out or what.......

As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.

Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!

More than just a pretty flower.........

Today's post is about the abundant woodland flower the Bluebell and the potential they have to heal and possibly cure cancer, TB and HIV.  Here's some links to articles that explain it in more detail. Certainly is more than just a pretty flower of course all lots of drugs are derived from plants even the breast cancer drug Taxol is derived from the Yew tree. So its not that way out there to believe in the power of the wild flowers that surrounds us and in the ancient belief of healing with herbs, plants and spices.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/bluebells-the-natural-way-to-fight-aids-and-cancer-1138910.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/47711.stm
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/16/timradford

Dairy, calves cancer?.......

You may be confused about this post and be asking yourself "what the hell has dairy and calves got to do with the big C. This is a question I am forced to ask myself every year in May. Around this time every year the field that backs on to our garden is filled with very young dairy calves it always reminds me that each one of these represents a mother cow who produces milk. The calves come from the largest dairy herd in Devon around 3,000 cows are said to be milked down the end of our road everyday to feed our insatiable appetite for all things dairy. This in itself isn't a problem but the trouble starts with how they (the farmers) treat the cattle. All dairy cows produce a calf in order to produce milk how many calves a year they produce or in there entire lifetime is probably an absurd number but this is a fact that most of us don't really acknowledge when we pick up a pint at our local supermarket. The young ones in our back field (and they are pitifully young) are taken from there mothers soon after they are born maybe a couple of weeks judging by the size of the little ones in the field. Obviously they have to do this in order to get at the milk. Along the way the mother cow's are injected with various growth hormones so that they yield more and more milk WE CONSUME this milk and this is where the breast cancer connection comes in. Its female cows injected with female hormones that are in our innocent pint of milk, block of cheese, or clotted cream. Of course the injections are only one of the many process's  the cow's and milk go through pasteurisation is another dodgy process.

Where is all this leading you may ask yourself and indeed this is something I have pondered many times. At the beginning of my dx I went to see a clairvoyant who picked up on the breast cancer thing and told me it was in some way connected to dairy this has kind of stuck in my mind and very soon after I ditched the white stuff in favour of nut milks and a little skimmed goats milk. I don't eat cheese or cream and don't really miss it in tea and coffee although admit it took a little longer to adjust but I have settled for a good nut milk something like Rice Dream Hazlenut/Almond milk and a little dash of totally Skimmed Organic Goats Milk obviously its the same process for goats as is for cows except the demand for goats milk is marginally less than for cows milk and they don't inject hormones and other nasties into it. I seriously believe that if your cancer is ER+ you should consider the dairy connection and the possible impact it could have on your cancer. When you start to look into the alternatives to dairy you'll realise there are a lot of great choices and after a little time you wont bothered or feel that your missing out on cows milk.

Here's a photo of the lovely calves in the field all new and way way too young to be taken from there mothers. Bless them. I've also included a stunning shot of the cows making there way back to be milked as they do everyday at 2.30 following each other in a long train that goes on for miles!!!

Katie Hopkins and her views on Breast Cancer Survivors...

Personal scathing attacks is not something I would ever of dreamed of doing on this blog or any other blog for that matter but the vile piece of shit that is Katie Hopkins deserves all she's going to get from this post.

Just watched Loose Women the guest was recent CBB runner-up Katie Hopkins the acid tongued viper Apprentice reject whose sole purpose in life is to rub everyone up the wrong way. How have we allowed this shallow bitch the platform in which to air her views. It's is beyond me....

Coleen Nolan pushed Hopkins on the point that when her sister Linda Nolan was in the CBB house she was constantly picked on by the vile Hopkins troll with tweets on how "Linda had a fat arm", or about her "breast hanging down to her knees" when pushed further about these comments in relation to the fact that Linda Nolan has a fat arm because she has Lymphedema and sagging breast all due to Breast Cancer and its treatments Hopkins would try to shout people down and suggest that she had too put up with horrible comments about her persona on a daily basis she still wouldn't answer why she had to pick up on the damming effects left behind by Breast Cancer she visibly squirmed when asked directly by Janet Street-Porter " do you think that telling a breast cancer patient she has droopy breast is a constructive criticism" she couldn't think quickly enough how she could get out of answering that question. I believe this has shown her for what she truly is  she has no compassion or sympathies for those less fortunate than herself, no one was asking her to like Linda Nolan but to accept graciously that in this instance those terrible comments about Linda's arm and breast were wrong and that she should of apologised for making such uninformed and cruel statements. Hopkins didn't of course apologise she continued to exclaim how she has no regrets I think the ramifications of exposing herself on this programme will be far reaching and I hope she gets her just rewards for her callous remarks.

I found it strange that Hopkins was placed in the middle of the panel flanked either side by women who have been touched directly by breast cancer. Coleen Nolan has sisters either die or suffered by breast cancer and Gloria Hunniford's daughter Caron Keating died of the disease as a young women, even faced with this breast cancer sandwich she still continued to defend her corner rather than apologise.  Hopkins thinks she is immune from disease or the effects of a life threatening illness like getting fat or having Lymphedema she is however just another fragile human being beware Katie Hopkins for this disease can strike the fittest, skinniest people on the planet you have been warned.

OMG.....

Apologies in advance to anyone reading this it is a bit of a downer and at xmas so if you don't want your happy bubble to burst I would recommend not reading it, but hey thats life and I feel the need to get this out of my system and share it.

Oh my God is a phrase we all use these day's its used to exclaim your shock at something usually something trivial but today I received an email from Chris Woollams of CancerActive to which I used the phrase OMG and not on something trivial! This simple line was what made me exclaim it "infection as a cause of cancer" the article looks into the possible link between either parasites or infection as a trigger for cancer here's a link to the article http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=1245 the reason why this was an OMG moment, because just prior to my own dx I had a virus a bad virus the doctor was called out and I was given a shot to stop me being sick I was very ill for a couple of months then early in the following year I was dx with breast cancer so you see why this is an OMG moment I believe this is what triggered my cells to mutate and that I was just plain unlucky. When I dwell on this thought I feel intrinsically that this is the cause for me anyway.

Weirdly enough this year I am again plagued by a bad virus started off with all the expected symptoms of a bad cold/flu sore throat, nose blowing, shivering, feeling hot cold and generally out of sorts infact its got so bad I went to the Dr just before xmas and he confirmed that I do indeed have a very bad lung infection to which penicillin has been prescribed, whilst the anti biotics are starting to kick in I still feel really ill and now have the added gastric gut pain. I haven't been able to go away for xmas as planned, I haven't seen any of my family or friends not only because I don't feel well enough to travel but also because I don't want any of them to catch it. So spent yesterday on the sofa just me and the cats, no xmas diner for me just a bowl of soup as have no food in because we didn't plan on being here. Its been another shit xmas, next year I wont get my hopes up like I did this year and should of known that something was going to go wrong although I didn't bank on it being my fucking body again. So there it is everyone a not so merry xmas for me and unfortunately I'm probably not the only one to feel this way on xmas day, thankfully I've woken up to blue skies and some sunshine on Boxing Day.

True hope at christmas....

Hi all,
The post today is about anniversary's or in my case cancerversary here's a link to an article written in the New York Times by someone who also shares a cancerversary and here's how he celebrates it and what it means to him, an excellent piece of writing well worth a read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/08/fashion/Cancer-Survivors-five-year-Celebration-Day-known-as-cancerversary.html?smid=pl-share

I found this article brought a warm fuzzy feeling the kind that an open fire on a cold winters night can bring in a word comfort, its hard living with an incurable stage IV terminal disease, each year that passes makes you become more and more complacent in your life. The first year I was like a raw nerve on tender hooks every time I was called by the hospital or scanned then as the years progress I'm finding myself falling back into the happy blissful complacent place I was in before all of this shit started. Of course you never really forget its always there everyday I'm reminded in some small way that I have this disease I suppose its part of our innate capacity as human beings for survival that we shove the shit under the carpet and to coin a phrase keep calm and carry on.

True hope is the message carried in the article and whilst no one knows why we got cancer we can be grateful for riding the shit storm and coming out the other side albeit not smelling of roses but still in one piece. We are after all still here, still breathing and living if there's one thing we should all do and that is to live in this perfect moment this second in time, enjoy and love the life your living.

....... Merry Xmas everyone.......
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Breakdown in the mall.....

Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in  the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be.  I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!

So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.

Everybody's gotta learn sometime........

Ok so I woke up with this song in my head 'Everybody's gotta learn sometime' by The Korgis here's the lyrics

Change your heart, look around you

Change your heart, it will astound you

I need your loving like the sunshine

And everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Change your heart, look around you

Change your heart, it will astound you

I need your loving like the sunshine

And everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

and here's what someone said in the comments section under these lyrics I'm posting it because it spoke to me and resonates on so many levels.

THIS SONG IS **SO MUCH MORE** THAN ABOUT TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!! 

This song is about EVERYTHING!

ALL LIFE.

THE UNIVERSE.

and EVERYTHING.

ALL OF US.

Living here together on this tiny freakin planet. All packed in.

The lessons of the movie are VERY true, and we should all really be more aware of the deeper meaning of this, and when something hurts, take a step back out of yourself and look at your situation from an outside perspective, and with a little time, everything will become clear... and in the bigger picture, everything's not too bad... because we LEARN from ours, AND OTHERS mistakes.

We are all connected. All of us. Everything.

We are here to learn from each other, and grow. Learn as much as you can. We don't have much time.

We need to be good to each other, and do what makes sense, in the big picture.

I feel like some of you commenting on here just don't quite get it.... :(

but hey, Everybodys gotta learn sometime

Interesting Lymphedema approach....

Just a quickie to post a link to Polly Noble's page on how she cured her Lymphedema I also suffer with this most annoying of ailments caused by having my lymph nodes removed from my mastectomy site and under my arm its supposed to be an incurable condition and its sometimes painful here's the link to what she did to cure herself by the way I do practice nearly all of the things on her list anyway except for the coffee enema which I have been thinking of trying.
http://pollynoble.com/2013/02/the-10-things-i-did-to-heal-my-lymphedema/

Regression Therapy.....Counselling.......

Anyone who reads this blog frequently knows I'm a spiritual soul and a bit of a hippie at heart, I am presently reading a couple of books on the alternative Regression Therapy, from what I understand regression therapy is a kind of hypnosis taking you back to previous lives to see how those lives are affecting us in the here and now. The books I am reading are Dr Brian Weiss ' Miracles do Happen' and Sue Minns 'Bodies and Souls' the later of the two is fantastic especially if your not familiar with the spiritual side of things, she explains everything in a comprehensive easy to understand way, it makes sense to me. Luckily for me Sue lives and works from both Totnes down here in Devon and London, I've emailed her to enquire about being regressed and am pondering whether or not to go and see her, the main problem is money but she has offered to do my session at a reduced price which is very kind of her, don't get me wrong I'm not questioning how much she charges its just that I'm skint and money is an ongoing problem for me.

Plenty of people have said "why don't you go to the macmillan centre and get some free counselling?" reason why I can't go there is because one of the counsellors is my neighbour who incidentally lost her sister to breast cancer when I was initially dx, it feels really awkward with her and I accept is an unusual situation but I can't go to the macmillan centre because of this also her partner is her boss and another of the macmillan counsellors and although I don't know him I don't want to open up to him I'm sure they would discuss things. I could pay privately for counselling and have been recommended to people but again its very expensive. I feel the need of some help and I need to talk, it would seem now is the time for it. Regression therapy is very appealing to me as I see it as a kind of counselling as well as possibly getting to the bottom of some difficult questions with possible answers or  at the very least some help.

I think I am going to give Regression Therapy a go or at least do one session see whether it suits me or not, what the hell I've got nothing to loose, I will as always keep you informed of my progress with this and any other alternative/complementary therapies I might try.

Newquay and a new life.....

Apologies for not posting recently but after Fran's passing I just couldn't face anything to do with breast  cancer and dipped off the scene for a while.

MRI still no conclusive results and I've phoned them still no answers as soon as I have the results I will post and hopefully start the process of changing hospitals to Taunton.

My partner who has been out of work for quite some time has finally landed a nice big fat job its over in Newquay a private holiday home, converting a garage into a bedroom and adding an extra utility room on, so finally after this job is finished we should be in a position financially to move yay!!! Some of you might be thinking "why does she want to leave the gorgeous South Devon coastline?" in answer to that its because seriously there is no opportunity down here, no jobs or prospects we live a hand to mouth existence and I've lived this way for a very long time (9 years!!), also I want to be nearer my friends and family who at present are 100 miles away up near Bristol its not that far away but its far enough to only go up every couple of months especially when you have no spare cash, so as much as I know its going to be a wrench to move and I'm sure I will feel torn in two over it I think ultimately it will be better for both of us. Lee will have more work and I'm thinking of returning to college for a year to do teacher training something I don't think we would be able to afford to do down here, so its all change for me, but its good and positive. The job over in Newquay will take around 3 months to complete and we will be operating between the two places over the summer, this I am looking forward to as I can have a nice change of scenery and do some more painting, lets hope its a hot and sunny summer.

The downside of all of this is that I don't think I will be posting as often or frequently as I have been, so please don't think the worst if I don't post for a while.

Another light on in heaven....

This is the fourth woman whom I was following and had a few online conversations with who I've just found out passed away last Monday. I hate this fucking disease, it just keeps getting harder and harder. First it was Ellie, then Lisa, closely followed by Laurie and now Fran all were way too young to die, all of them tried everything they could and unfortunately all have now passed away. I kept checking Frans blog site http://francescap79.tumblr.com/page/2 and couldn't help but think the worst when she hadn't posted for such a long time. Me and Fran shared the same in that we both had lung mets, this has really knocked me for six, such terrible news RIP Fran, god bless you.

Estrogen madness and migraines.....

I spoke too soon, the dreaded migraines are back.... what a bummer!
I'm still taking the beta blockers and I've increased the dosage but I still suffered with an almighty migraine yesterday and spent the whole day in bed on a concoction of drugs including and starting with Paracetamol that didn't touch it so I tried 2 Co Codamol, they took the edge off of it but only for about an hour so after 3 hours I decided to take a Sumatriptan this finally got rid of it. I am trying not to take the Sumatriptan as it can cause more headaches the more you take it, a kind of catch 22 effect. Anyway feel ok today albeit a bit frazzled around the edges but at least I can get out of bed and get on with living.

I came across this on face book and found it interesting when I went through the list I realised I had and continue to have a lot of the symptoms listed, wish I'd found this before I got cancer it may have given me an indication of what was wrong with me. I used to suffer with migraines before I got cancer and whilst going through chemo etc the headaches stopped but they seem to be creeping back and unfortunately they are worse than pre cancer migraines. I wake up with them and feel instantly sick sometimes I am actually physically sick.

Arty trip to London......

Just got back from a 2 day trip up to the big smoke and for once it was a real pleasure, we drove right up to the front of the RA (Royal Academy) found a car parking space!!!! and I was able to casually walk my painting in to the processing room for submission all over within the space of 10 mins brilliant. Afterwards we had an appointment at Christies Auction house (my friend who came up to London with us has a painting that turns out to be an original Edward Lear and is worth a fortune! crickey!!) he's left the painting with Christies for conservation purposes and looks like its going to auction in June, it was so fascinating and we also had a good look round their galleries taking in Andy Warhols, Turners etc like ya do!!! lol. All in all a thoroughly great day out in London one of the best ever and very arty too.
Back to reality now with a bump, tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital with the results of my blood test (to see whether or not I'm through the menopause) and my MRI too check I have nothing sinister going on in my head because of all the migraines, so gulp!! here goes back to biting my nails and horrendous intense worry, its all part of the cancer territory I suppose, I pray too god that its all ok.

To bring much needed awareness.....

Hi all,
Today's post is a share of a newspaper article by the brave young woman Kris Hallenga of the breast cancer charity Coppafeel http://www.coppafeel.org/. Here's the link http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/i-never-ask-my-doctor-how-long-ive-got-23yearold-kristin-hallengas-health-crusade-to-warn-women-about-risks-of-breast-cancer-8548853.html. I believe in the same ethos as Kris and would do anything to bring about awareness of breast cancer especially in younger women who are falsely told that breast cancer is an old woman's disease. I was dx having just turned 42 and whilst I am older than Kris (she was only 23 when dx) I still class myself as a younger woman and certainly didn't anticipate or contemplate in any shape or form developing breast cancer it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Words of wonder to warm the heart.....

Going through my old box of memories I found a couple of sheets of paper with the wise and wonderful words of  Brian L. Weiss I think I photocopied them over 10 years ago from his book 'Only Love Is Real' re-reading them has made me sit up and ponder, they resonate with me on every level. Here's a link to his website and books http://www.brianweiss.com/about-the-books/ if your interested.

A reflection on life through the drinking of tea by eminent Vietnamese Buddist monk and philosopher Thich Nhat Hanh :
"You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy tea. Only in the awareness of the present can your hands feel the pleasant warmth of the cup. Only in the present can you savour the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate the delicacy. If you are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, you will completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea. You will look down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.

Life is like that. If you are not fully in the present, you will look around and it will be gone. You will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life. It will seem to be speeding past you. 
The past is finished. Learn from it and let it go, the future is not even here yet. Plan for it, but do not waste your time worrying about it. Worrying is worthless. When you stop ruminating about what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never happen, then you will be in the present moment. Then you will begin to experience joy in life."

Extract taken from "Only Love Is Real" by Brian L. Weiss.

I hope all the powers that be rot in hell......

The government it would seem likes to kick cancer patients again. WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT THIS? makes my blood boil so in the future if I need these drugs they wont be available to me so I die, yet at the same time they won't allow someone who is slowly dying of the worst disease Motor Neurones to die with dignity at home they have too travel over too switzerland to a special clinic where they can be put too sleep. (my best friends mum has been very slowly and painfully dying of this disease over the past 15 years! she was told she would only live 2 years over 13 years ago, she cannot walk, talk, feed herself, go to the toilet she needs a nurse for all of these things and its currently costing around £5,000 per month to keep her going even though she doesn't want to be here anymore, she expressed by the only means she is capable of scribbling and writing with one hand that she does not want a peg when she can no longer use her mouth to eat a peg is where they drip feed you to keep you alive for fuck sake!!)  please read http://www.express.co.uk/news/health/386541/I-would-be-dead-now-if-not-for-new-cancer-drugs

Devastated at the loss....

It is with a heavy heart that my post today is on the passing of two women who had been fighting so hard against this bloody awful disease. The first person was Lisa Lynch of http://alrighttit.blogspot.co.uk/2013_03_01_archive.html blog and the excellent book 'The C-Word' Lisa was so incredibly young dx at only 28 years old her blog and book helped me through my own initial shock and subsequent acceptance of the fact that I am now living with cancer. I didn't know Lisa personally but due to her brilliant witty writing style felt that I knew her as a close friend. The second lady was known on the forums as Alesta aka Laurie, again such amazing strength and the courage of a lion she was a true inspiration to all of us on the facebook chat group and on the BCC forum, Laurie told me about the BCC forum she sent me personal messages full of humour, advise and wisdom, she made me feel that I wasn't alone in dealing with all this cancer shit, I loved the fact that she swore her head off, and voiced her opinions, she was true to herself and in being so genuine helped others. Both of these women leave behind family and friends, both were too young. Its rained all day down here and the roads are starting too flood which is how I feel, I have cried a river over these deaths and others since I was dx it never gets any easier. RIP love and light xxx

Today I went for a MRI on my head too make sure that the searing migraines are not something more sinister, spent an hour in there listening to some bloody terrible loud banging noise as the machine scans my head, then another injection of something or other in my hand, poor hand, then more loud noise. Followed by some retail therapy in Primarni and a cuppa coffee with my best friend and then onto the lymphedema clinic for some MLD (manual lymphatic drainage). Feel exhausted and tired so early to bed or I might just camp out on the sofa and try to regain some kind of normal composure. xxx

Curcumin/turmeric is the spice of life.....

"No cancer has been found that is NOT affected by curcumin" (MD Anderson Cancer Center, Texas)

That is a hell of a statement and one not too be ignored. I already take Turmeric supplements daily (I buy a good make by http://www.bio-health.co.uk/turmeric_rhizome.html) and had heard about this wonder spice here's a link to read a more in depth explanation from the fabulous Chris Woollams website Canceractive http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=1571. If you don't want to take supplements then cook a curry or simply add it too your food. If you have had or are living with cancer please read this link it could save your life.