The cost of cancer....

Its taken me a long time to write this post mainly because of the stigma attached to claiming any sort of benefit especially if your disability is invisible ie: your not in a wheel chair. Living with any type of cancer is expensive, it costs just to keep you alive as the pharmacy companies that develop life saving drugs charge a kings ransom and in fact some members of the general public believe it is costing them (in there taxes and NI contribution) a small fortune to keep "cancer patients alive" and that its "not cost effective" quoted by someone who shall remain nameless but I can assure you has pointed this out to me on several occasions, exclaiming that "if I got cancer I wouldn't do chemo or any of the drugs" uh like you know what its like to live with cancer!!! Anyway I deviate so cancer costs everyone a lot of money, from the NHS, the general public and also us cancer patients.

Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.

Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.

Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......

Regression Therapy.....Counselling.......

Anyone who reads this blog frequently knows I'm a spiritual soul and a bit of a hippie at heart, I am presently reading a couple of books on the alternative Regression Therapy, from what I understand regression therapy is a kind of hypnosis taking you back to previous lives to see how those lives are affecting us in the here and now. The books I am reading are Dr Brian Weiss ' Miracles do Happen' and Sue Minns 'Bodies and Souls' the later of the two is fantastic especially if your not familiar with the spiritual side of things, she explains everything in a comprehensive easy to understand way, it makes sense to me. Luckily for me Sue lives and works from both Totnes down here in Devon and London, I've emailed her to enquire about being regressed and am pondering whether or not to go and see her, the main problem is money but she has offered to do my session at a reduced price which is very kind of her, don't get me wrong I'm not questioning how much she charges its just that I'm skint and money is an ongoing problem for me.

Plenty of people have said "why don't you go to the macmillan centre and get some free counselling?" reason why I can't go there is because one of the counsellors is my neighbour who incidentally lost her sister to breast cancer when I was initially dx, it feels really awkward with her and I accept is an unusual situation but I can't go to the macmillan centre because of this also her partner is her boss and another of the macmillan counsellors and although I don't know him I don't want to open up to him I'm sure they would discuss things. I could pay privately for counselling and have been recommended to people but again its very expensive. I feel the need of some help and I need to talk, it would seem now is the time for it. Regression therapy is very appealing to me as I see it as a kind of counselling as well as possibly getting to the bottom of some difficult questions with possible answers or  at the very least some help.

I think I am going to give Regression Therapy a go or at least do one session see whether it suits me or not, what the hell I've got nothing to loose, I will as always keep you informed of my progress with this and any other alternative/complementary therapies I might try.