Finally a Hot Flush Fixer!!!!

After trying a myriad of methods, treatments and therapies to rid myself of the dreaded sweating, nausea, and hot hot hot feeling (not in a good sunbathing way), I've finally think I may of found something its called Magnesium Citrate and is available from all good health shops you need a high dose not more than 350 mgs a day but it really really works, I've not had one so far today, usually I would be on hot flush and symptoms no 11 by now sometimes even worse, like every 5mins! It was getting ridiculous, to the point of wanting to live in a cold shower or just lie down and die! which I know sounds stupid but honestly this thing the menopause is no joke and for some of us doomed to suffer either from a natural menopause or a chemically induced one it affects all areas of your life. Making you so depressed you just want to end it all. Please don't underestimate how shit it makes you feel its NOT as suggested to me like going to a hot country and sunning yourself, its horrific.

Any women reading this and think they have tried everything just try this Magnesium Citrate not only does it help with your hot flushes it also helps with feeling tired and helps you if your constipated, I honestly can't recommend this enough.

Flat chested and happy.........

Its been a fair few weeks now down the line since the 2nd mastectomy and I am feeling a lot better. A couple of weeks after the op I wasn't so impressed I had an infection in my wound which needed antibiotics and I also needed to have the area drained twice again not impressed but managed to get through it, I kept reminding myself I've been through worse and survived and I was right. what didn't help was catching flu around new year that really wiped me out and made it very difficult I was actually throwing up and the pressure of heaving made my scar area fill with fluid hence having to have it drained twice. The bug was much worse than the operation and I am so glad its all over and done with.

New Year new body, new me......


Results in from my latest CT scan are good or rather everything is stable so all in all very positive. I am now just looking at one hospital appointment next week for my 3 weekly Herceptin and then a break from going to hospital or appointments for at least 3 weeks and no intermediate appointments. YAY...... feels good to think I'm through the worst of it, with CT scan done, Oncology appointment done, bloods and echo scan done. Phewwwww

Feeling a lot lot lighter and not walking with a bob out of balance or weird gait anymore as the boob is gone and makes me feel normal I know that sounds strange but the one massive boob was such a pain in the arse and made me feel so abnormal, its the best thing I've ever had done since this whole thing started and I am hopeful that this year will see an improvement on all health fronts because of it. Migraines whilst still there are not as frequent as I was getting them and not quite as intense, neck pain on my left hand side is also not as bad so whilst the migraines cannot be blamed entirely on the boob now its gone I have noticed a difference and its for the better. I am feeling a lot happier although of course it goes with out saying I would of been at my happiest if I had never gotten fucking breast cancer but hey ho.......

All in all everything is proceeding in a positive way and I am feeling a lot better about myself and my new life living with secondary breast cancer.

Life on anti-depressants

Anti-depressants have become a part of the my life, I never expected that I would have to take medication for depression although looking back I've always been more depressive than upbeat. After being dx I thought I was doing fine, in fact with lack of oestrogen I wasn't as moody as before, leading me to believe that my mood swings were a result of out of balance hormones. Initially I was put on anti-d's for the menopausal symptoms to alleviate the hot flushes caused by an early chemical menopause (which by the way are still as horrendous as they always were) this worked for a while but eventually they stopped working and I am now back in the hot and sweaty position I was before. Trouble is I can't seem to get off them. I want to come off them as they aren't working for what I they were prescribed for. Of course I realise I probably wouldn't of been able to cope with what life has chucked at me over the past 7 years if it wasn't for the tablets.

The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :

Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige....... 

The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.

Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.

2nd Mastectomy

Some people will know that I have always wanted the left hand breast removed. From the very beginning when I was first dx I wanted to have both off but the surgeon wouldn't perform it saying and I quote "I never remove a healthy breast" however I argued that with secondaries as well I wasn't living with a healthy breast but rather a ticking time bomb. Not only was it a cancer bomb waiting to erupt but also it had grown from a size 32 to 42 in a very short time making it stupidly large, also I can't wear a bra as when they took the bad boob they also took a lot of lymph nodes out down the side of my body where your bra strap sits this causes a lot of pain when I wear a bra hence not being able to wear a bra making me feel out of balance, looking out of balance, carrying extra weight on that side and a boob that is feeling the force of gravity altogether a right pain in the tit! Seriously though, I have been suffering with the odd weird pain in that breast and of course worry like mad that its something more sinister.

So finally after a lot of pushing on my part the powers that be have agreed that to remove it wouldn't be such a strange idea and are now offering me surgery dates of the 12th of September, I only got informed of this on Friday 31st August, so got this weekend to discuss and go over everything with my long suffering partner. Who agrees it should go.

Weekend over and decision is made. Pre-op this Thursday and operation next Wednesday.

Feeling a little anxious but I know it makes sense and thank god for the NHS I can have the operation and with any luck will live a little longer.

Wish me luck.

The cost of cancer....

Its taken me a long time to write this post mainly because of the stigma attached to claiming any sort of benefit especially if your disability is invisible ie: your not in a wheel chair. Living with any type of cancer is expensive, it costs just to keep you alive as the pharmacy companies that develop life saving drugs charge a kings ransom and in fact some members of the general public believe it is costing them (in there taxes and NI contribution) a small fortune to keep "cancer patients alive" and that its "not cost effective" quoted by someone who shall remain nameless but I can assure you has pointed this out to me on several occasions, exclaiming that "if I got cancer I wouldn't do chemo or any of the drugs" uh like you know what its like to live with cancer!!! Anyway I deviate so cancer costs everyone a lot of money, from the NHS, the general public and also us cancer patients.

Living with cancer is so expensive, back in 2011 when I was dx I didn't imagine in my wildest dreams that a) I would still be here and b) that it would make life so dam difficult if I did survive.
Initially when I was dx my partner had too work extra hard to make ends meet, he was also taking me to hospital, caring for me at home, doing all the domestics as well as watching the person he loved falling apart. He is my ROCK and has continued to be throughout this whole nightmare. At the time I was dx I had been made redundant and was not working anyway (although I do think this may of caused undue stress and perhaps contributed to my getting cancer in the first place) after a year I applied for DLA and after a small fight received it this carried on until earlier this year when the government replaced the benefit for PIP (which is just another way for the the politicians to claw back money, make themselves look smart for saving money whilst paying themselves extortionate amount of money and lining there own pockets). The outrage this new benefit has caused targeting the disabled is criminal. My illness is invisible, I am not in a wheel chair however that doesn't mean to say that living with an incurable disease doesn't have its disabilities. Chemo changed me forever, it put me into early, chemical menopause leaving me with a multitude of severe side effects ranging from hot flushes (not as innocent as it sounds), massive weight gain (5 stone for the first time ever in my life and its not budging no matter what I do) huge mood swings, depression. Then onto drug side effects Herceptin isn't supposed to have side effects but I am here to tell you for me personally it does, ranging from bad feet (toenails falling off, terrible dry skin and itching) to migraines which can and do occur regularly ie: 4 a week! The only way to get rid of the migraines is to take Sumatriptan which in tern has its own side effects, worryingly it affects my bone density and has contributed to the latest worry and hospital stay (see last post), taking anti-hormonal medication to stop my cancer from feeding on oestrogen also cause a plethora of side effects, mainly joint pain (also can cause osteoporosis) affecting bone density, leaving me like an old lady and some days barely able to walk. So there you have it all of which affect my day to day living. This sounds like I am having a moan but I'm simply illustrating how debilitating living with this disease is. It goes without saying I am eternally grateful to still be here but it's at a cost. I also take supplements and since my DLA has stopped can no longer afford to take them, so I am now in the horrible position of freaking out about not taking supplements that might of contributed to my stable status. As always I worry is it going to come back or spread further now that I am not taking these supplements. My partner is a builder and doesn't earn that much money, I earn no money and now I'm in the worst position possible. We rent our home and just about cover the bills, cutting down on food and not putting the heating on, or using water, watching every penny, It wasn't like we were flush with money before when I was on benefit, the benefit covered my supplement cost and alternative therapies and gave me an independent quality of life. Now I am totally supported by my partner, if he leaves me where will I be (not that he would but what if) life is hard enough without all this added worry and I feel utterly depressed about the whole situation, I've actually been wondering what is the point in fighting/surviving cancer its making me that upset and ill.

Leading me back to the main reason for this post. Earlier this year whilst I was in the middle of moving house the DLA wrote to me inviting me to apply for PIP I was so busy moving house and dealing with my dad who has had yet another stroke and was in hospital, I couldn't deal with it and left it, they stopped my money very very quickly in January even though I was awarded it up until March this year. Since then I have had no money of my own and at this point would like to add that I worked and paid into the system all of my life up until I got made redundant. I've applied for jobs but I don't even get an interview, as most of my new life is made up of hospital and Dr's appointments or dealing with the after effects of drugs and cancer getting a full time job is impossible and any job that I would get would have to put up with me being off ill regularly, given the choice between ill person and well person if I was an employer I know which one I would choose. So back to what am I going to do? Honestly I don't know what to do! I suppose the DLA thought I'd be dead by now must be a massive inconvenience for them to find that I am still alive.

Anyone got any ideas how I'm going to cope? or any suggestions? or information on benefits I can claim other than dole money. I can't claim dole as I can't be available for work all the time as my illness makes it impossible to get a job. This is my current status and I reiterate the title of this post Cancer costs money.......

The things people say......urghhhhhhh

So first to update you all I'm going back to see GP and getting re-tested for the thyroid again, I've already been tested twice the first time there was a problem with my thyroid and the second time 3 months later I tested normal. I have been experiencing extreme fatigue as well as a horse sounding voice, constant weight gain again!!!!, blurred vision etc etc etc bottom line its my bloody thyroid I know it is I'm 100% positive it is the thyroid playing up maybe its out of balance but it needs looking into further as the debilitating fatigue (I kid you not I couldn't even get out of bed) has to be addressed. The earliest appointment I could get is next week so I will keep you posted of the outcome.

Getting back to the latest gripe and the title of this post.....the things people say! Yes again other people being totally out of order the latest being a mate who has said a lot of nice things to me for example on the subject of my 5 stone weight gain and looking different told me that "I don't care what you look like as long as your here" and "we love you regardless" in the next breath whilst discussing the world population explosion and associated problems decided to announce that if she had been diagnosed with cancer she wouldn't have chemo, surgery or radiotherapy all this does is keep those of us affected by cancer alive and kicking and we are costing the country millions keeping us alive!!!!! FUCKING WOW! what a thing to say to someone you know has secondary breast cancer and after all the wonderful things she has said, it begs belief doesn't it? I was flabbergasted to say the least, I decided to respond with you "you don't know how strong the survival instinct is until your in the dammed situation" I mean its easy to say I wouldn't do chemo but faced with life or death situation your natural instinct is to survive you go into it looking into every possible option and I do hate this word but you fucking fight. Its the same for any living thing on this planet faced with impeding death you fight. No matter how small or how large the creature your instinct is to survive and fight whether that involves taking chemo or having surgery and radiotherapy your trying to survive and live. I defy anyone to say otherwise. My cat brings home small rodents sometimes they are still alive, they fight to the bitter end, they don't give up there instinct is to live. Phew....... end of rant sorry but that really really pissed me off for so many reasons.

Back on the tread mill...

I've had a mixed bag of a month and both ends of the scale extreme high's and rejoicing at selling one of my paintings for over a £1,000 pounds also at the other end so low I could lie down and die. Its is of course down to the hideous hormones and the equally horrible drugs with side effects that are keeping me alive urghhhhh....... its a conundrum and a pretty important one at that. One of the side effects of Zoladex is yet more weight gain and after feeling pretty good with myself about losing a stone I've now put on nearly half a stone and I'm pretty sure its down to the Zoladex oh fucking joy!

So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?

This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier.  June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.

Dairy, calves cancer?.......

You may be confused about this post and be asking yourself "what the hell has dairy and calves got to do with the big C. This is a question I am forced to ask myself every year in May. Around this time every year the field that backs on to our garden is filled with very young dairy calves it always reminds me that each one of these represents a mother cow who produces milk. The calves come from the largest dairy herd in Devon around 3,000 cows are said to be milked down the end of our road everyday to feed our insatiable appetite for all things dairy. This in itself isn't a problem but the trouble starts with how they (the farmers) treat the cattle. All dairy cows produce a calf in order to produce milk how many calves a year they produce or in there entire lifetime is probably an absurd number but this is a fact that most of us don't really acknowledge when we pick up a pint at our local supermarket. The young ones in our back field (and they are pitifully young) are taken from there mothers soon after they are born maybe a couple of weeks judging by the size of the little ones in the field. Obviously they have to do this in order to get at the milk. Along the way the mother cow's are injected with various growth hormones so that they yield more and more milk WE CONSUME this milk and this is where the breast cancer connection comes in. Its female cows injected with female hormones that are in our innocent pint of milk, block of cheese, or clotted cream. Of course the injections are only one of the many process's  the cow's and milk go through pasteurisation is another dodgy process.

Where is all this leading you may ask yourself and indeed this is something I have pondered many times. At the beginning of my dx I went to see a clairvoyant who picked up on the breast cancer thing and told me it was in some way connected to dairy this has kind of stuck in my mind and very soon after I ditched the white stuff in favour of nut milks and a little skimmed goats milk. I don't eat cheese or cream and don't really miss it in tea and coffee although admit it took a little longer to adjust but I have settled for a good nut milk something like Rice Dream Hazlenut/Almond milk and a little dash of totally Skimmed Organic Goats Milk obviously its the same process for goats as is for cows except the demand for goats milk is marginally less than for cows milk and they don't inject hormones and other nasties into it. I seriously believe that if your cancer is ER+ you should consider the dairy connection and the possible impact it could have on your cancer. When you start to look into the alternatives to dairy you'll realise there are a lot of great choices and after a little time you wont bothered or feel that your missing out on cows milk.

Here's a photo of the lovely calves in the field all new and way way too young to be taken from there mothers. Bless them. I've also included a stunning shot of the cows making there way back to be milked as they do everyday at 2.30 following each other in a long train that goes on for miles!!!

POEMS and Shitty Arty Farty Sandwich

The past week has been yet another emotional roller coaster starting with my beautiful friend called Sooz bless her heart at 39 she's been diagnosed with something equally as horrible as my shit its called POEMS Syndrome and is a really rare, she texted me from her hospital bed with a infarcted spleen, drips draining 6 and a half litres of fluid off of her tummy, two different types of drip fed anti biotic's and a morphine line, she literally took my breath away, living so far apart doesn't help as the mind plays games with you and I had started to imagine all sorts of horrors, although after speaking to her partner who filled me in on her condition it appears she reached a crisis point last thursday this proved to be a turning point and yesterday she even managed to eat something, her team at the hospital are implementing a plan of action which involves a special kind of chemo (its the only condition they give chemo for that isn't actual cancer!) and apparently the dead tissue in her spleen will take 5 days to dissolve so she's to stay on morphine until this has dissolved, on the bright side she is young and this syndrome usually affects older people in there 70's, with a bit of hope and praying to god she will come through this she could carry on living with this incurable condition for many years.

The most important private view of my life where on the very day I was supposed to be revelling in my artistic accomplishments I lost my voice!!! Lee thought it was a blessing lol but honestly it made attending the event impossible how could I talk to potential clients when I had no voice apart from the fact the bug that had induced the lost voice was pretty severe and I ended up camped out on the sofa feeling really ill and sounding atrocious a course of anti-biotic's have of course remedied the bug but not in time for the private view, oh well I thought I'll at least I will have the big art competition to look forward to the competition in question was the Landscape Artist of the Year held in Cornwall on sunday of course I wasn't exactly 100% and had Sooz on my mind all day, but thought sod it its the biggest and only competition I've ever entered and they've offered me a wildcard spot so off we trotted to deepest Cornwall at stupid o'clock laden with everything but the kitchen sink. I ignored the weather all the way there and decided the sun was going to shine for me just this once but no you've guessed it it poured horizontal rain all fucking day I thought I was totally prepared for every eventuality including rain bought a rain mac and large umbrella however I hadn't banked on the driving rain (a bit of drizzle would of sufficed) and the fact the umbrella couldn't be attached to my easel. I stood for nearly 6 hours in the pouring rain not one judge and no presenters came round to interview me so by about 2 o'clock I thought sod this I'm not exactly well (cough cough) and feel like shit now my painting has blown over in the gale which accompanied the rain and is completely ruined so with great disappointment I reluctantly packed up all of a sudden the director came over and asked "can we interview you as we haven't had anyone walk out of the competition without finishing" I again reluctantly said yes due to the shitting form I had filled in prior to the comp giving them permission to film me to which the interview went like this " so why are you leaving?" she said this to me whilst I am stood in the pouring rain literally soaking wet with a painting that was gradually sliding off the canvas to which I replied "isn't it obvious" the rest is a blur and didn't do anything for my moral or nerves came away feeling utterly depressed even started to beat myself up about the fact that I was depressed.

A fragile existence.....

Since I last posted I have been for my 3 monthly appointment with my oncologist, and as a result I am to have a bone scan and a CT scan, the bone scan is scheduled for next monday and will take up most of the afternoon, the last one was back at the beginning of my dx, so I have been feeling fairly anxious about it. The main reason for the bone scan is because I have been experiencing a weird pain on my rib cage underneath my good left side breast, this has been worrying me and I have tried to ignore it and then realised that ignoring things is what got me into this mess in the first place. As soon as you think things are returning to normal up it pops, so I expect to be a little fragile for the next few weeks or at least until I have the results, of course I will keep posting and keep my blog up to date, but please excuse me for not feeling on top of the world.