Cobain, Carey a medium and a load of questions......

It's one of those days (a worrying trend lately) I feel out of sorts, emotional like I'm gonna cry any second, why you may ask? well I don't quite know why? I certainly have good cause to feel upset (in the middle of waiting for a heap load of scan results) but its not even that.

I've just started listening to Nirvana I was never really into them before but for some reason I am drawn to this particular band and its dead lead singer Kurt Cobain he tragically died after shooting himself in the head, he suffered a lifetime of possibly bi-polar symptoms a classic raw talent taken too soon, his story made me feel that life is so pointless and needed some answers so googled Kurt Cobain and channelling sure enough I found blogs and written stories of mediums channeling Kurt, interestingly the questions and answers were very informative and did bring some comfort BUT its left me feeling low. I decided to ask a few questions of spirit myself the main one today is "how can I carry on?' you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden a definite answer came to me "your faith is your strength" wise words indeed and upon further pondering I believe to be the truth. Without my faith I would be an empty vessel wandering aimlessly on this planet, weirdly my faith anchors me to the earth (you would think this would be the opposite). I suppose some would say that I'm being too self indulgent but to me having faith is the difference between life or death.

Recently I've been to see some mediums and clairvoyants one of the things that stuck out for me from the strongest reading was that my problem is "you don't believe that what you think has any effect" this I am informed is my major problem and I have to say that to some extent this is in my opinion true. I suppose its because I don't believe I thought myself ill in other words I didn't think myself into breast cancer did I? so it stands to reason that I would believe that thoughts have no effect, also if it was true then thinking that you don't have breast cancer would surely be the cure. Apologies if I am confusing you but this is what is going on in my bloody head at the moment and I need to get to the bottom of it, instinctively feel this is very important. This theory keeps being presented to me only the other day I came across this short speech by the Actor Jim Carey http://youtu.be/V80-gPkpH6M his speech was about asking the universe for help in fact asking for whatever you want and believing in yourself. Carey talks about his mission in "The church of freedom from concern". The questions he poses are interesting and important "how will you serve the world?" "what have you got to offer others?" he goes on to say "risk being seen in all of your glory" this echo's some of what Kurt had said through the medium that his purpose was to teach "self expression through his music" this blew me away.

Later on in the evening I had a conversation with F. (fellow breast cancer patient and friend) we discussed the whole 'you are what you think' concept and she offered an alternative answer. Not that either of us thought ourselves ill but maybe our thought patterns at that time had in some way contributed to a low immune system which in tern brought about the cancer. I for one was in a bad way prior to being dx I was unemployed, depressed, and miserable my self esteem was at an all time low and I literally didn't want to wake up. It makes sense to me that this state of mind may of proved the perfect recipe for the immune system to fall flat on the floor, inviting in all manner of nasties including cancer. This makes more sense to me that just simply thinking yourself sick.

A fragile existence.....

Since I last posted I have been for my 3 monthly appointment with my oncologist, and as a result I am to have a bone scan and a CT scan, the bone scan is scheduled for next monday and will take up most of the afternoon, the last one was back at the beginning of my dx, so I have been feeling fairly anxious about it. The main reason for the bone scan is because I have been experiencing a weird pain on my rib cage underneath my good left side breast, this has been worrying me and I have tried to ignore it and then realised that ignoring things is what got me into this mess in the first place. As soon as you think things are returning to normal up it pops, so I expect to be a little fragile for the next few weeks or at least until I have the results, of course I will keep posting and keep my blog up to date, but please excuse me for not feeling on top of the world.

The worst year of my life is nearly over

Its nearly over 2011 the worst year of my life, so sad really because it started off so promising with a top job interview (didn't get it and not sure about there intentions but that's another story) made lots of plans and started painting again, then like a swift punch in the face I was dx with Breast Cancer and then 2 weeks later found out it had spread onto my lungs wallop!!

Gradually worked through it although have to say it's not been easy, an emotional roller coaster, this has been the fastest year of my life, don't know where the year has gone, mainly spent it in hospital either having chemo or surgery and start 2012 with 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy which is a bit of a bummer but can't be helped, I suppose really that my year should start in February cause I will finally be free of the dreadful treatments only herceptin by IV every 3 weeks and tamoxifen by tablet one a day. Its quite weird how you adjust to a new life I was always a planner and an organizer now I have to live for the moment seize the day, no more planning bloody cancer has taken away my future and I can't plan anything, in some ways its kind of liberating not to have to adhere to a plan/ambition just go with the flow and follow your nose, see what presents itself. I would still rather NOT have cancer but what can I do about it other than try and help myself changing my diet/nutrition and carry on with the conventional treatments as well as the unconventional or complementary treatments.

I pray to god that 2012 will be a happy, healthy year with plenty of cause for celebration.
Love and Light to all
Sarah xx

Enter the dark dark woods at your peril (severe swearing involved)

Very bad day today, cried all afternoon after having a go at my other half, my emotions and moods are surreal at the moment, one minute ultra happy the next I'm looking for an easy way out and when I say easy way out I mean it, seriously considering doing myself in today and really don't care about anything or anyone for the matter. Life is hard enough without having this s**ty breast cancer, the drugs I am on (tamoxifen/herceptin) make you into some sort of other worldly screaming banshie, they interfere with your ovaries and the production of estrogen which is feeding my cancer, but we need our estrogen we are women its part of being a woman to produce these hormones, I even dared to ask the questions "am I being punished ?" and if so "what the fuck did I do wrong?" I always thought I'd have children or at least one now all hope of having my own has faded away I was getting on in age anyway and now I'm likely to be on this dreaded tamoxifen for the next 5 years that should put a stop to any chance of conceiving and even if I did I question whether its really fair to bring a child into the world when lets face it I might not survive to oversee its upbringing, arghhhhhh I FUCKING HATE (when I say hate I really really mean it) CANCER seriously tho I was so very nasty to him, no need for it just plain awful, thats when I started crying and could not stop for 3 hours!!!! solidly, my eyes I can't open, what;s the fucking point. I do frequent the BC forums but the last time I opened up on a post feeling low I got some smart alec comment from another BC patient that made me not want to vent my rage or feelings this is why I started a blog its the only place I can air my proverbial dirty laundry all be it that I am probably talking to myself, why change the habit of a lifetime no one listens to me anyway and now I think they are all convinced that I must of done something wrong to get this in the first place, ergo whatever she's say's thinks is utter crap!!! A small thank you to myself for setting up such a blog in the first place so that I do have an outlet for tamoxifen induced suicidal feelings and pent up rage. When I stopped crying my missing boob started to hurt maybe all the upset is gonna give me more cancer oh what joy life is, the easy way out seems more appealing than ever. To top it all its FUCKING CHRISTMAS.