Note to self... Can I come back as a cat in the next life....

Feeling perky today, went into town shopping for some of those shape-up shoes only too find none in my size in TK Maxx and I'm not buying them anywhere else cause they are way too much money at £89 quid in TK's they are only £20. Made an appointment with the lovely lady on the 'Bare Minerals' counter for a make over as this range is paraben free and basically trying to take my mind off the fact that I get my CT scan results on friday....no its not working I'm not taking my mind off anything only kidding myself.

Anyway back to the title of this post, thats right gonna come back as a cat in the next life please cause they got it good, here's some pics of my gorgeous pair, my partner Lee bought Mitzi a Bengal for me nearly 4 years ago only too find that he'd bought a pregnant cat we let her have her kittens and found great homes for all of them, we kept one and named him Ted he's massive and looks a bit like a Maine Coon breed of cat, I love them both so very much. Mitzi is my constant companion, she would sit with me when I was going through the awful chemo and keeps me company on my off days, besides the fact that she knew something was wrong with me she kept nudging and sniffing the affected armpit and breast. Anyway here's the promised pics xx

PJ's and sofa day

Today not feeling so good been camped out on the sofa all day, woke up really early with massive hot flush that persisted throughout the day in fact the whole day was one massive fucking hot flush, the only thing that gives me any respite from it is to stick my head in the freezer/fridge or out of the window, anyone who thinks that hot flushes are doable have got to be kidding me, I mean seriously it really is the final straw,  I'm sat here with sweat pouring off of me whilst I type this, I was supposed to see my oncologist this week as part of the rads appointments but he was off ill and is now off on holiday so can't ask him about taking sage tea and fig leaf tea for the hot flushes, everything I take has to be ok'd by him for fear of it interfering with the tamoxifen or adding to my estrogen (my cancer is estrogen rich meaning it feeds off my estrogen), so stuck with not being able to take anything for the dam hot flushes until I speak to him, I did go on the forum and ask the ladies on there about sage and fig leaf tea but did'nt get many responses and the ones I did get seem to conflict nobody seems to know whether or not it is safe for me to take sage/fig leaf tea with the medication I am on, I was prescribed anti-depressants for the hot flushes but after taking only one I was near suicidal and decided to refrain from taking them and try natural alternatives instead, hence my day on the sofa in my pj's on and off sleeping with a sort of headache that has not materialized into anything yet but my head still feels fuzzy, I have taken 2 paracetamol/codeine tablets and an anti-sickness tablet just in case I had a repeat of sickness day I experienced a couple of weeks ago. I really really hope that this is just a side effect of the rads or rads fatigue that I am experiencing and not another hormonal migrane problem. God when will this shit ever end!!! Only three more radio sessions left next week then thats over and done with stroll on wednesday!

The Early bird and spiritual enlightenment

Sat at my comupter at 7.30am on a sunday morning (thankyou tamoxifen for the hot flush that woke me up!) listening to a Song Thrush singing its heart out, what a fabulous way to start the day, the sounds are so beautiful I have often listened to this bird song and feel uplifted, inspired and have always found comfort in the knowledge that most are still sleeping, I always used to start painting at this time of day and sometimes through the night, they say we are closer to god at these times the twilight is a special time of day for me.

Couple of days ago after receiving radiotherapy we decided to drive up onto the Moors on our way back down we stopped off at Buckfast Abbey where an order of Benedictine Monks reside it has the usual gift shops and restaurant but this time we also went into the Abbey, the place was so amazing the stained glass windows (all made by the monks) were totally awe inspiring, whilst walking around I was overcome with very strong emotion (this is not the first time in a place of worship) I was sort of happy but moved to tears and was battling hard to contain them, I lit a candle and said a prayer with tears running down my face, this I could not understand I am not particularly religious certainly not Roman Catholic BUT I could feel something there, when I got home I tried to make sense of this but just could not work it out, was it self pity No, was it fear No, what was this?? I approached a fellow breast cancer sufferer who just happens to be a Vicar and asked why? She pointed out that back in the Celtic Pagan religion some of which has been adopted by the christian faith that the pagans had places called 'Thin Places' (google this if you are interested) called thin because they believed that you were closer to god in such places and that the veil between life and the afterlife was thinner in certain places, it was suggested to me that perhaps I might be a sensitive (definite trait of mine being an artist) and therefore going into these places of worship I could of stumbled upon a so called 'Thin Place' I instinctively knew this too be correct and when I thought about it other religious places like Glastonbury and the Tor also the river Dart have moved me to tears again the same sort of feelings accompanied this experience, and so the penny dropped and I managed to understand these complicated and sometimes frustrating emotions.

Whilst at the Abbey a strange coincidence occurred I have always wanted to go to Lourdes in France even before I got breast cancer this was a yearning of mine, on a notice board at the Abbey an advert for a pilgrimage to Lourdes in June this year it costs quite a lot £700 pounds but includes flight and accommodation, needless to say I've taken the email address and phone number, hopefully this will come true and I will go to Lourdes, who knows I could be healed by the special waters there.

Love and light xxx

New Year Resolutions

My resolutions for this year 2012 are:

1. To get healthy and be cancer free
2. Enjoy life, smile and feel happiness
3. Stay away from negative hurtful people
4. Visit my spiritual home more often (Glastonbury)
5. Stick to juice diet/supplements
6. Produce more art works
7. To go with the flow
8.  Go for CBT Cognitive Behavorial Therapy
9.  Be kind to myself
10. Accept help where needed
11. Start Yoga or walk everyday
12.  Adopt a kinder more sympathetic attitude

The worst year of my life is nearly over

Its nearly over 2011 the worst year of my life, so sad really because it started off so promising with a top job interview (didn't get it and not sure about there intentions but that's another story) made lots of plans and started painting again, then like a swift punch in the face I was dx with Breast Cancer and then 2 weeks later found out it had spread onto my lungs wallop!!

Gradually worked through it although have to say it's not been easy, an emotional roller coaster, this has been the fastest year of my life, don't know where the year has gone, mainly spent it in hospital either having chemo or surgery and start 2012 with 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy which is a bit of a bummer but can't be helped, I suppose really that my year should start in February cause I will finally be free of the dreadful treatments only herceptin by IV every 3 weeks and tamoxifen by tablet one a day. Its quite weird how you adjust to a new life I was always a planner and an organizer now I have to live for the moment seize the day, no more planning bloody cancer has taken away my future and I can't plan anything, in some ways its kind of liberating not to have to adhere to a plan/ambition just go with the flow and follow your nose, see what presents itself. I would still rather NOT have cancer but what can I do about it other than try and help myself changing my diet/nutrition and carry on with the conventional treatments as well as the unconventional or complementary treatments.

I pray to god that 2012 will be a happy, healthy year with plenty of cause for celebration.
Love and Light to all
Sarah xx

Home alone

Hi everyone,

So this is my first post on my new cancer blog and like the title suggests I am home alone for the first time in about 6 months as my partner has managed to get a job to bring in some extra money for Xmas, not that Xmas is going to stress me out in fact nothing is going to stress me out from now on (a pact I've made with myself).

Depression and stress are possibly the root cause of my cancer, nothing can be confirmed but I have a sneaky feeling it contributed to my getting cancer. I was healthy although not very happy before the dx I had been trying really hard to make it in the surface pattern industry with little success, my day job graphic design was also experiencing a slump (has something to do with the recession) and even though I had applied and attended lots of interviews I still was not getting anywhere, no money, can't pay bills etc just makes for loads of stress of course as soon as I got cancer all of a sudden my designs sold, something called sods law. Being a perfectionist is part and parcel of being an artist this unfortunately means I am also sensitive (like a raw nerve), easily upset, I would say I was living on the edge of a nervous breakdown but now I'm living with metastatic breast cancer I know which one I would prefer not to have. So if your reading this then realise this DON'T GET STRESSED OUT its not worth it! If you don't have your health you have nothing its as simple as that.

My life changed forever on the 10th of March this year and I will never be the same again, everyday is a gift and instead of living with a plan I now live without planning or organisation of any kind I try to live for the moment and enjoy life, I don't believe we are put on this planet to be miserable. I have been touched by the kindness people have shown me since my dx and it has made me realize that people aren't as bad as I thought they were prior to dx I could not stand the human race quite frankly human beings sucked, now I think slightly differently some us are extremely compassionate.