The Sound of Silence......

Its a week ago since 'black friday' and everything is starting to feel sort of 'ok' again. I suppose I'm just going to have to accept that every now and then I'm going to feel miserable and suicidal, I can't do anything about this I believe it is mainly drug induced and those drugs are keeping me alive so when you weigh it all up you simply have to accept it. Every body gets depressed at some point in their lives its just exasperated and heightened in me by my dx and drugs.

We've just had some terrible storms for me it was kind of an external expression of how I was feeling internally, we've had flooding, gales, tree's down, freezing cold frost, hail stones just about every kind of extreme weather scenario, today I woke up to the sound of silence, and it was wonderful. No lashing rain against the window, no howling wind just sheer bliss and utter silence, well silence at least until my 2 cats woke up with their meowing and the pheasants outside started calling lol. The storm has passed not just physically but metaphysical and cleared the air leaving total calm.

Fair weather health....

Hi all, it's literally the calm after the storm, we had rain all night quite heavy with thunder and finally the oppressive atmosphere has finally lifted including the way I was feeling (see previous post), so I am glad to report back to being my upbeat self again. My mood swings have been quite bad recently and I am putting it down to the tamoxifen and the endless migraines, the headaches come with nausea and are therefore migraines, I've had one a week for the past five weeks they seem to occur on a Friday and can last all weekend. I went to see my GP as I was running out of Co-Codamol (my life saver) otherwise I think I would go out of my head! He prescribed some more of the strong stuff as well as taking extra Clonidine so I now take three of those twice a day and thank god it seems to be working. So I'm hoping I can say ta da to the head fuck headaches and the extreme nausea and hello to some fair weather health and feeling more like a human being, trying to get back to some sort of normality.

I am cooking a sunday roast but not like you would imagine, yes there is a freerange chicken but no roast potatoes instead I am cooking sweet potatoes in there jackets first time ever also some green beans and broccoli, have to admit really looking forward to this meal, so will post soon, but promise to be a more positive and happier soul. Love to ya xx

New Year Resolutions

My resolutions for this year 2012 are:

1. To get healthy and be cancer free
2. Enjoy life, smile and feel happiness
3. Stay away from negative hurtful people
4. Visit my spiritual home more often (Glastonbury)
5. Stick to juice diet/supplements
6. Produce more art works
7. To go with the flow
8.  Go for CBT Cognitive Behavorial Therapy
9.  Be kind to myself
10. Accept help where needed
11. Start Yoga or walk everyday
12.  Adopt a kinder more sympathetic attitude

The worst year of my life is nearly over

Its nearly over 2011 the worst year of my life, so sad really because it started off so promising with a top job interview (didn't get it and not sure about there intentions but that's another story) made lots of plans and started painting again, then like a swift punch in the face I was dx with Breast Cancer and then 2 weeks later found out it had spread onto my lungs wallop!!

Gradually worked through it although have to say it's not been easy, an emotional roller coaster, this has been the fastest year of my life, don't know where the year has gone, mainly spent it in hospital either having chemo or surgery and start 2012 with 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy which is a bit of a bummer but can't be helped, I suppose really that my year should start in February cause I will finally be free of the dreadful treatments only herceptin by IV every 3 weeks and tamoxifen by tablet one a day. Its quite weird how you adjust to a new life I was always a planner and an organizer now I have to live for the moment seize the day, no more planning bloody cancer has taken away my future and I can't plan anything, in some ways its kind of liberating not to have to adhere to a plan/ambition just go with the flow and follow your nose, see what presents itself. I would still rather NOT have cancer but what can I do about it other than try and help myself changing my diet/nutrition and carry on with the conventional treatments as well as the unconventional or complementary treatments.

I pray to god that 2012 will be a happy, healthy year with plenty of cause for celebration.
Love and Light to all
Sarah xx

Retail Therapy

I am much better than I was at the weekend and I am sorry for my last post or if it upset anyone I just had to vent my rage and anger.

So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it.  I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.

More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.

Enter the dark dark woods at your peril (severe swearing involved)

Very bad day today, cried all afternoon after having a go at my other half, my emotions and moods are surreal at the moment, one minute ultra happy the next I'm looking for an easy way out and when I say easy way out I mean it, seriously considering doing myself in today and really don't care about anything or anyone for the matter. Life is hard enough without having this s**ty breast cancer, the drugs I am on (tamoxifen/herceptin) make you into some sort of other worldly screaming banshie, they interfere with your ovaries and the production of estrogen which is feeding my cancer, but we need our estrogen we are women its part of being a woman to produce these hormones, I even dared to ask the questions "am I being punished ?" and if so "what the fuck did I do wrong?" I always thought I'd have children or at least one now all hope of having my own has faded away I was getting on in age anyway and now I'm likely to be on this dreaded tamoxifen for the next 5 years that should put a stop to any chance of conceiving and even if I did I question whether its really fair to bring a child into the world when lets face it I might not survive to oversee its upbringing, arghhhhhh I FUCKING HATE (when I say hate I really really mean it) CANCER seriously tho I was so very nasty to him, no need for it just plain awful, thats when I started crying and could not stop for 3 hours!!!! solidly, my eyes I can't open, what;s the fucking point. I do frequent the BC forums but the last time I opened up on a post feeling low I got some smart alec comment from another BC patient that made me not want to vent my rage or feelings this is why I started a blog its the only place I can air my proverbial dirty laundry all be it that I am probably talking to myself, why change the habit of a lifetime no one listens to me anyway and now I think they are all convinced that I must of done something wrong to get this in the first place, ergo whatever she's say's thinks is utter crap!!! A small thank you to myself for setting up such a blog in the first place so that I do have an outlet for tamoxifen induced suicidal feelings and pent up rage. When I stopped crying my missing boob started to hurt maybe all the upset is gonna give me more cancer oh what joy life is, the easy way out seems more appealing than ever. To top it all its FUCKING CHRISTMAS.