The Sound of Silence......

Its a week ago since 'black friday' and everything is starting to feel sort of 'ok' again. I suppose I'm just going to have to accept that every now and then I'm going to feel miserable and suicidal, I can't do anything about this I believe it is mainly drug induced and those drugs are keeping me alive so when you weigh it all up you simply have to accept it. Every body gets depressed at some point in their lives its just exasperated and heightened in me by my dx and drugs.

We've just had some terrible storms for me it was kind of an external expression of how I was feeling internally, we've had flooding, gales, tree's down, freezing cold frost, hail stones just about every kind of extreme weather scenario, today I woke up to the sound of silence, and it was wonderful. No lashing rain against the window, no howling wind just sheer bliss and utter silence, well silence at least until my 2 cats woke up with their meowing and the pheasants outside started calling lol. The storm has passed not just physically but metaphysical and cleared the air leaving total calm.

Note to self... Can I come back as a cat in the next life....

Feeling perky today, went into town shopping for some of those shape-up shoes only too find none in my size in TK Maxx and I'm not buying them anywhere else cause they are way too much money at £89 quid in TK's they are only £20. Made an appointment with the lovely lady on the 'Bare Minerals' counter for a make over as this range is paraben free and basically trying to take my mind off the fact that I get my CT scan results on friday....no its not working I'm not taking my mind off anything only kidding myself.

Anyway back to the title of this post, thats right gonna come back as a cat in the next life please cause they got it good, here's some pics of my gorgeous pair, my partner Lee bought Mitzi a Bengal for me nearly 4 years ago only too find that he'd bought a pregnant cat we let her have her kittens and found great homes for all of them, we kept one and named him Ted he's massive and looks a bit like a Maine Coon breed of cat, I love them both so very much. Mitzi is my constant companion, she would sit with me when I was going through the awful chemo and keeps me company on my off days, besides the fact that she knew something was wrong with me she kept nudging and sniffing the affected armpit and breast. Anyway here's the promised pics xx

The Secret.....ummmm

Here's a pet peeve of mine at the moment, having just read another breast cancer survivors blog post I was reading the comments and quite a few people were talking about the book and film 'The Secret' people commented on her post which to be fair to her was pretty awful, she has secondary breast cancer and she is very young, the offending comments were telling her to stay positive, the secret teaches us that we are what we think ie: the old saying 'be careful what you wish for it might come true' that thoughts are almighty powerful and can give us cancer if we think long and hard about it!!!! Complete madness I am sure none of us suffering with this disease thought I know I'd like to get cancer!!! Yeah right like anybody would think such a thing, again I think people are trying to be helpful by offering 'the secret' as a possible solution and that we really must stay positive even when we are up against it. Well you can't get much more up against it than a cancer diagnoses, terrifying anxiety, fear, death and thoughts of dying are only natural given the circumstances and I'm certainly not gonna beat myself up about it. Another thing is what about the babies and children that get cancer, babies can't think themselves into cancer can they!! I don't think I even contemplated terminal illness when I was a child in fact I don't think children do think about death and dying, they are too busy learning and enjoying life. I have read the book and spent about 8 months thinking good positive thoughts (your supposed to be able to think yourself rich and successful ha) that was just before my diagnoses and look where it got me, don't get me wrong being positive is good for the mind and body but you don't always get what you want or need I think luck plays a major part in it, end of rant.