Cobain, Carey a medium and a load of questions......

It's one of those days (a worrying trend lately) I feel out of sorts, emotional like I'm gonna cry any second, why you may ask? well I don't quite know why? I certainly have good cause to feel upset (in the middle of waiting for a heap load of scan results) but its not even that.

I've just started listening to Nirvana I was never really into them before but for some reason I am drawn to this particular band and its dead lead singer Kurt Cobain he tragically died after shooting himself in the head, he suffered a lifetime of possibly bi-polar symptoms a classic raw talent taken too soon, his story made me feel that life is so pointless and needed some answers so googled Kurt Cobain and channelling sure enough I found blogs and written stories of mediums channeling Kurt, interestingly the questions and answers were very informative and did bring some comfort BUT its left me feeling low. I decided to ask a few questions of spirit myself the main one today is "how can I carry on?' you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden a definite answer came to me "your faith is your strength" wise words indeed and upon further pondering I believe to be the truth. Without my faith I would be an empty vessel wandering aimlessly on this planet, weirdly my faith anchors me to the earth (you would think this would be the opposite). I suppose some would say that I'm being too self indulgent but to me having faith is the difference between life or death.

Recently I've been to see some mediums and clairvoyants one of the things that stuck out for me from the strongest reading was that my problem is "you don't believe that what you think has any effect" this I am informed is my major problem and I have to say that to some extent this is in my opinion true. I suppose its because I don't believe I thought myself ill in other words I didn't think myself into breast cancer did I? so it stands to reason that I would believe that thoughts have no effect, also if it was true then thinking that you don't have breast cancer would surely be the cure. Apologies if I am confusing you but this is what is going on in my bloody head at the moment and I need to get to the bottom of it, instinctively feel this is very important. This theory keeps being presented to me only the other day I came across this short speech by the Actor Jim Carey http://youtu.be/V80-gPkpH6M his speech was about asking the universe for help in fact asking for whatever you want and believing in yourself. Carey talks about his mission in "The church of freedom from concern". The questions he poses are interesting and important "how will you serve the world?" "what have you got to offer others?" he goes on to say "risk being seen in all of your glory" this echo's some of what Kurt had said through the medium that his purpose was to teach "self expression through his music" this blew me away.

Later on in the evening I had a conversation with F. (fellow breast cancer patient and friend) we discussed the whole 'you are what you think' concept and she offered an alternative answer. Not that either of us thought ourselves ill but maybe our thought patterns at that time had in some way contributed to a low immune system which in tern brought about the cancer. I for one was in a bad way prior to being dx I was unemployed, depressed, and miserable my self esteem was at an all time low and I literally didn't want to wake up. It makes sense to me that this state of mind may of proved the perfect recipe for the immune system to fall flat on the floor, inviting in all manner of nasties including cancer. This makes more sense to me that just simply thinking yourself sick.

The Be careful what you wish for shit......

I've just finished reading that wonderful book by Lorna Byrne (see last post) and ended reading it with mixed emotions, she really had a hard life not just materially but emotionally, the angels couldn't stop the horrible things happening in fact even worse they would warn her about an impeding disaster so she was ready for it wide eyes open. No thanks I'd rather not know whats about to happen to me especially if its very unpleasant. This was something I tussled with when I was dx, I was afraid of what was wrong with me, I didn't understand it and yes I was getting signals from spirit but unfortunately it was a little bit late by the time I realised I had something seriously wrong with me. The thing is you don't walk around thinking "I wonder if I've got cancer" it just creeps up on you and wallops you straight in the face, I never thought I would get cancer not for one solitary moment did that thought cross my mind, which reminds me anyone who say's be careful about what you think ie: that I thought about getting cancer and then got it, is completely off there fucking head, I didn't wish this terrible disease on myself put simply I was fucking unlucky!!!! People say flippin stupid things like "be careful what you wish for", ummm well I didn't wish for this shit I can tell you, I was busy getting on with my life keeping my head down and working hard planning for a baby then like a punch in the face I got bloody cancer and my whole world turned upside down, it feels like I've had the rug pulled from underneath me and at times I really don't know where to turn for comfort. The plan was to have a baby cancer's put an end to that, no baby as I've been thrown head long into an early menopause and the drugs I'm on will keep me that way for the foreseeable future and at the age of now 45 (then 42) its too late to have a baby so thats never going to happen, trouble is what to do? of course I'm lucky to be alive but what do I do with my time now? my original plans are fucked up and I'm having trouble getting into anything creative, I've no money to go travelling and I've no career, part of me feels like "what is the point!" the other part of me scolds myself for even thinking that way, god its a nightmare, wish it would stop and life could got back to normal, back to a life without cancer looming on the horizon.

I've spent today painting but its not inspiring or exciting me its not the celebration of life that it once used to be. All I can do is to ask my guardian angel to help me through this turmoil and show me the way forward. xxx Love and light to you all xxxx

The Secret.....ummmm

Here's a pet peeve of mine at the moment, having just read another breast cancer survivors blog post I was reading the comments and quite a few people were talking about the book and film 'The Secret' people commented on her post which to be fair to her was pretty awful, she has secondary breast cancer and she is very young, the offending comments were telling her to stay positive, the secret teaches us that we are what we think ie: the old saying 'be careful what you wish for it might come true' that thoughts are almighty powerful and can give us cancer if we think long and hard about it!!!! Complete madness I am sure none of us suffering with this disease thought I know I'd like to get cancer!!! Yeah right like anybody would think such a thing, again I think people are trying to be helpful by offering 'the secret' as a possible solution and that we really must stay positive even when we are up against it. Well you can't get much more up against it than a cancer diagnoses, terrifying anxiety, fear, death and thoughts of dying are only natural given the circumstances and I'm certainly not gonna beat myself up about it. Another thing is what about the babies and children that get cancer, babies can't think themselves into cancer can they!! I don't think I even contemplated terminal illness when I was a child in fact I don't think children do think about death and dying, they are too busy learning and enjoying life. I have read the book and spent about 8 months thinking good positive thoughts (your supposed to be able to think yourself rich and successful ha) that was just before my diagnoses and look where it got me, don't get me wrong being positive is good for the mind and body but you don't always get what you want or need I think luck plays a major part in it, end of rant.