Massive news.....

Last Friday I went in for the results of my latest CT scan, the last one I actually had with dye contrast (they managed to get a needle in) so I was secretly dreading the outcome (you can see more with the contrast) basically I've got the all clear! Yep its happened I've got the all clear, the cancer on both lungs and liver has disappeared or as the Onc's Reg explained its so tiny we can't detect it on the CT scan. This is the best news ever........I am such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. I knew about the lungs from the start but only found out by accident about the liver when I read a scan report that mentioned lesions on my liver!!! So for them to declare no sign of disease in both lungs and liver is mind blowing. Whilst I was feeling elated the Onc's Reg quickly came back to me with "but of course your never really going to get rid of it, its always going to be there, eventually it will come back, but we will deal with that as and when it shows itself, in the meantime your to continue indefinitely on Herceptin and Anastrozole" and swiftly back down to earth again with a thud. Yep they sure know how to drag you on that roller coaster don't they? I don't care what they say as far as I'm concerned I'm cancer free and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this news.

I am living proof that cancer by its very nature of being random can for no reason of its own just disappear. Obviously I've been down the clean and green path (although have too say I've fallen off the wagon recently and enjoy chocolate, biscuits and cake), I've taken every supplement known to man, taken a shit load of cannabis oil (especially in the first year of being dx), I've gone down the conventional route of being poisoned, cut and burned, all in all I've thrown everything at this shit and something has worked or is working and long may it continue.

Whilst walking on air out of the oncology department I waited outside for the other half to pick me up, another lady was waiting and we got chatting, she told me about her dx in her 40's (like me) over 20 years ago!!! with breast cancer, and that it had only just decided to show itself again and now she has all these options and drugs to try out, she told me to stay positive and live my life, she was a breath of fresh air, I figured that as I turn 50 this year if I get another 20 years of life I'll be 70 and that would be ok with me. I wouldn't want to live any longer than that anyway (after watching people in there 80s, 90s including my own grandmother who lived to 103 once you get to a certain age its best to go peacefully than to hang on to life that is full of illness and suffering).

In view of trying to maintain a normal-ish life I wont be posting as often as I used to and whilst this blog has been a constant source of comfort and help in venting and ranting, I would like to try and put the monkey on my shoulder even further behind me and in the distance. Of course I will from time to time post and will keep all of my readers up to date with surgery etc If anyone would like to speak to me or discuss anything at all please leave a comment and I will get back to you.

Remember to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and SAVOUR EVERY SECOND.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO ALL  OF YOU. XXXX

The things people say......urghhhhhhh

So first to update you all I'm going back to see GP and getting re-tested for the thyroid again, I've already been tested twice the first time there was a problem with my thyroid and the second time 3 months later I tested normal. I have been experiencing extreme fatigue as well as a horse sounding voice, constant weight gain again!!!!, blurred vision etc etc etc bottom line its my bloody thyroid I know it is I'm 100% positive it is the thyroid playing up maybe its out of balance but it needs looking into further as the debilitating fatigue (I kid you not I couldn't even get out of bed) has to be addressed. The earliest appointment I could get is next week so I will keep you posted of the outcome.

Getting back to the latest gripe and the title of this post.....the things people say! Yes again other people being totally out of order the latest being a mate who has said a lot of nice things to me for example on the subject of my 5 stone weight gain and looking different told me that "I don't care what you look like as long as your here" and "we love you regardless" in the next breath whilst discussing the world population explosion and associated problems decided to announce that if she had been diagnosed with cancer she wouldn't have chemo, surgery or radiotherapy all this does is keep those of us affected by cancer alive and kicking and we are costing the country millions keeping us alive!!!!! FUCKING WOW! what a thing to say to someone you know has secondary breast cancer and after all the wonderful things she has said, it begs belief doesn't it? I was flabbergasted to say the least, I decided to respond with you "you don't know how strong the survival instinct is until your in the dammed situation" I mean its easy to say I wouldn't do chemo but faced with life or death situation your natural instinct is to survive you go into it looking into every possible option and I do hate this word but you fucking fight. Its the same for any living thing on this planet faced with impeding death you fight. No matter how small or how large the creature your instinct is to survive and fight whether that involves taking chemo or having surgery and radiotherapy your trying to survive and live. I defy anyone to say otherwise. My cat brings home small rodents sometimes they are still alive, they fight to the bitter end, they don't give up there instinct is to live. Phew....... end of rant sorry but that really really pissed me off for so many reasons.

Anti-depressant UPDATE

Ok its been a week since I started taking the anti-depressant Citrolapam and so far so good, the hot flushes are more severe when they do occur BUT they aren't as frequent as they were before and are seemingly becoming less so YAY to that, people seem to think that a hot flush is an innocent problem that can be tolerated I beg to differ on that hot flushes when extreme are embarrassing making you red in the face, the heat in your face and head makes you feel physically sick to the point on occasion where I have actually thrown up! So innocent is not a word I would use to describe them, it actually feels like your burning in the depths of hell, its quite simply put horrendous I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Of course most woman who go through the normal menopause wont suffer this extreme kind which were brought on by chemo and perpetuated by the massive drugs I am on to block estrogen. I hope that with time they will completely disappear and leave me the fuck alone! I've also noticed that my appetite is diminishing another YAY to that lets hope that I get to lose some of this god awful weight gain and start to look like me again. The only downside to this drug I've encountered so far is that I'm not sleeping as well as I did I am hoping this will go away as time goes on. Knackered is an understatement.

Oh and joy of joys I'm due another Zoladex implant my my how time flies 3 months have just flicked by!

The C Word and Lisa Lynch

About an hour ago I watched the short drama on the life and cancer of Lisa Lynch of 'Alright Tit' blog fame and her book 'The C-Word' and remembered why I was feeling so dejected all of the art events this week were something to strive for something to bring hope and joy, watching the film brought back the whole horrible terrifying experience of having cancer and living with it, I could relate to all her pain, emotional suffering, and heartache all the shit she had to go through like chemo, surgery, radiotherapy only to be told that the 'Bullshit' as she called it had returned.  If you haven't watched this its on the iplayer its moving, it makes you cry, but its real, honest depiction of the insanity of a secondary breast cancer dx, I could relate to all of it from finding out and having to tell everyone to going through horrendous chemo and surgery all of it was exactly how I remember it, somehow seeing it on TV makes life seem even more precious and fragile than it already is. Its reminded me to be thankful for all that I have including the chance to fail at a miserable art competition how unbelievably unimportant it all is. All we have is our relationships our friends and family thats all that is important. Lisa Lynch died in 2013 after fighting secondary breast cancer for the record ITS A MOTHER FUCKER.... and I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Here's the link to Lisa's brilliant blog http://alrighttit.blogspot.co.uk and to the iplayer film 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b05tr05b/the-c-word

Sharing is caring.....

Fantastic article in the Telegraph today featuring the blog 'Written off' by Ellie Jeffery who passed away with secondary breast cancer in 2012. I used to follow Ellie's blog and she inspired me to look further than the end of my nose into all the alternatives, complementary medicines as well as the usual conventional treatments. It was Ellie that spurred me to write my own blog about my experiences and to chronicle them in a online diary. Sharing your story with the world might not help all the people but it certainly will help some of the people it is with this in mind that I continue to write this blog and share my views.

Here's the article /www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/healthadvice/11549205/Too-many-patients-suffer-from-cancer-alone-needlessly.html

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN JOG ON..........

My my I am popular today...... had an infuriating patronising afternoon message from a not very nice someone who shall remain anon. Giving me a right telling off...... Madam.... for expressing MY views on MY fucking blog. A particular post got right up someone's nose and they've been stamping there feet all over the fucking place!!! I stand by that post and what I said I didn't mention names so its between me and them and they know who they are. I didn't retaliate at the time because I didn't want to get into a heated debate online so I voiced my view on MY blog, which I am perfectly entitled to do and will continue to do so.

Have to say if you don't like what your reading then go somewhere else. This is a personal blog and I have placed warning's all over the place regarding the sometimes angry, upsetting outbursts not too mention the swearing, let me put it quite simply and as the title of this post say's IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN JOG ON. I'm not going to apologise for anything I've said and would like to point out that I'm not the Katie Hopkins of secondary breast cancer, I'm a normal person with an abnormal disease who uses this blog as a way of  expressing, venting, and sometimes sharing and advising on my experience of the disease thus far. I would never tell anyone what to think or expect them to change their views because of something I've said, we are all adults and should be able to make up our own minds. I believe every view is relevant and we should leave no stone unturned in relation to our health and cancer the alternative is not worth thinking about.

This is all I am going to say on this matter and shall continue to divulge any RELEVANT information I have come across via this blog (I am no longer a member of the group that shall remain nameless).

Juicing and Supplement Vid

So here's my very first video sharing my daily health protocol using juice and supplements. Apologies for my west country accent lol. Enjoy x xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_00h58Vq_8&feature=em-upload_ownerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_00h58Vq_8&feature=em-upload_owner

Health update and two deaths RIP Abbey and Hedley

Hello all, thought I'd better provide an update on the current state of things. Eventually........ the hospital got back to me and told me I was stable (which is kind of worrying as I thought I was clear!!!) they still don't know why I was sent a letter asking me to come for yet another CT scan!!!!! I cannot be arse d to chase this up, is that wrong of me?? maybe but I'm at the stage of cannot be bothered. Stable is still good so I'm not gonna rock the boat.

Another lovely lady called Abbey B. passed away from this disease I fucking hate this shitty vile disease. RIP and fly with the angels.xxxxx

Also my best friends partner aged 62 (she's a lot younger than him and has 2 kids by him) collapsed and died unexpectedly a fortnight ago to say we are all in shock is an understatement. He was at home with his son when he collapsed with breathing problems and by the time the ambulance had arrived he was gone. His son who is 21 gave CPR but to no avail. My best friend is in a state of complete shock we have now had the funeral but it all still feels very very raw and sort of surreal. Who'd of thought it? and this has made my resolve to live for the moment ever more important. I am trying to help her as much as I can by taking cooked food around and generally being there to support her, its so very hard all I want to do is make this better which obviously is impossible as no one can bring him back. I have told her that we love her and will do anything to help her thats all I can do. Its a desperate situation what else can I say....... RIP Hedley I feel for your family at this sad time you were there world. xx

RIP Issy

Today is a sad day, today my online cancer buddy Ismena Clout passed away having just reached her 40th birthday last week she was an exceptionally strong lady who had fought this shit for the past 10 years being dx initially at the tender age of just 28, it begs belief doesn't it! She will be sadly missed and mourned by many not just her family and close friends but those of us who she has helped with her words of wisdom her compassion, advice, and her wit especially poignant knowing what she was going through. Another star in the sky another life snuffed out by this vile disease. RIP Issy you will be missed. Love and light my dear friend love and light..........

Issy wrote a blog in the early days for the Independent and most recently for the Huffington Post here's a link to her warts n all approach to writing and chronicling her fight to the bitter end.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ismena-clout/

Changed name.....

Hi all, just a quick note to explain that I've changed the name of this blog from 'Surviving the beast within' to Living with SBC (secondary breast cancer). I decided that the old title was too dramatic and I wanted to tone down the 'Beast' part so I've changed it to something that is a true description of what I am actually doing which is living with it. Hope this doesn't confuse anyone and apologies in advance if its inconvenienced anyone. Sending you all love and light sarah xxx

Migraines doing my head in.......

Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed the cause another migraine, accompanied by the usual vomiting and nausea, didn't eat anything until about 8 at night because of the sickness makes me feel like I don't want to carry on anymore dammed fucking headache it pisses me off so much, the only thing I can do is attempt to remedy it with a cocktail of drugs starting off with Sumatriptan which failed followed by 2 paracetamol and an anti-sickness tablet the sickness tablet worked but the paracetamol was just not strong enough ended up taking 2 codeine which finally hit the spot as well as knocking me out and making me feel totally spaced out and not on this planet. At my last onc appointment it was decided that I would have an MRI scan on my head just to make sure nothing sinister was going on in the upstairs department still haven't had an appointment time for this yet.

Needed a bit of a moan about it as it is getting me down. On the upside I managed to operate normally today and am enjoying a bit of cooking so going to have some lovely healthy root veg and lentil casserole with a piece of salmon and some watercress sauce yum yum xxxxx

Feeling cold, caught a cold

Yes I've managed to catch my first bug since dx the common cold, been shivering and sneezing for britain for the last 3 days since sunday also had to go and have Herceptin IV today at the hospital this always makes me feel stuffy and nasal so really did not help :0( ho hum suppose it could be worse!!! Starting to feel a bit better this evening and hoping this is just a cold and not something more sinister (fingers and toes crossed).

On a lighter note I entered a major open art competition with one of my abstract paintings called 'The Blue Healing' it was painted last summer as a direct response to my dx of Breast cancer and treatment on chemo I do meditate looking at the painting and feel it does help me to focus on healing and recovery, so here it is hope it helps someone out there in cyberworld.

Love and light to all Sarah xx

The worst year of my life is nearly over

Its nearly over 2011 the worst year of my life, so sad really because it started off so promising with a top job interview (didn't get it and not sure about there intentions but that's another story) made lots of plans and started painting again, then like a swift punch in the face I was dx with Breast Cancer and then 2 weeks later found out it had spread onto my lungs wallop!!

Gradually worked through it although have to say it's not been easy, an emotional roller coaster, this has been the fastest year of my life, don't know where the year has gone, mainly spent it in hospital either having chemo or surgery and start 2012 with 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy which is a bit of a bummer but can't be helped, I suppose really that my year should start in February cause I will finally be free of the dreadful treatments only herceptin by IV every 3 weeks and tamoxifen by tablet one a day. Its quite weird how you adjust to a new life I was always a planner and an organizer now I have to live for the moment seize the day, no more planning bloody cancer has taken away my future and I can't plan anything, in some ways its kind of liberating not to have to adhere to a plan/ambition just go with the flow and follow your nose, see what presents itself. I would still rather NOT have cancer but what can I do about it other than try and help myself changing my diet/nutrition and carry on with the conventional treatments as well as the unconventional or complementary treatments.

I pray to god that 2012 will be a happy, healthy year with plenty of cause for celebration.
Love and Light to all
Sarah xx

Wake-up call

So today is a better day than yesterday but all days are like one for me all of them I am eternally grateful for. Thats my affirmation for today in fact it should be for everyday forever. Feeling sorry for myself and my lack of boob until I chanced upon a conversation with a young lady who after having her baby last year found out she had breast cancer with secondaries in her liver and bones (they thought her backache was due to her being pregnant) (cancer is a sneaky shit) all at the tender age of 29, (she never smoked, or drank) you always think your lot is the worst but there is always someone worse off than yourself this was my wake up call it made me sit up and listen and stop all the self pity and why me questions, shake yourself down and get on with the business of living.

The only worry with this particular girl is that she hasn't looked into anything to help herself she's just doing what the dr's and oncologist tell her, ok so I listen to them I also inform them of anything else I might be taking so as it does not interfere with the prescribed drugs, I have been researching breast cancer ever since diagnoses and feel this will be a lifelong practice, I've changed so much since getting this bull shit, no more sugar, no more tea and coffee, no more adding estrogen rich processed foods, and no alcohol (I was t-total anyway), never been overweight. Fresh veg/fruit juice daily with plenty of organic wheatgrass, broccoli, carrots, celery, cucumber, apple, pear I drink a pint of it everyday and find it does fill me up apparently upping your intake of veg can make tamoxifen work more effectively.

Had my first Epsom Salt Bath dry brushed first then took a lovely long dip and feel fantastic, honestly to look at me I look the picture of health which is quite ironic really.