Last Friday I went in for the results of my latest CT scan, the last one I actually had with dye contrast (they managed to get a needle in) so I was secretly dreading the outcome (you can see more with the contrast) basically I've got the all clear! Yep its happened I've got the all clear, the cancer on both lungs and liver has disappeared or as the Onc's Reg explained its so tiny we can't detect it on the CT scan. This is the best news ever........I am such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. I knew about the lungs from the start but only found out by accident about the liver when I read a scan report that mentioned lesions on my liver!!! So for them to declare no sign of disease in both lungs and liver is mind blowing. Whilst I was feeling elated the Onc's Reg quickly came back to me with "but of course your never really going to get rid of it, its always going to be there, eventually it will come back, but we will deal with that as and when it shows itself, in the meantime your to continue indefinitely on Herceptin and Anastrozole" and swiftly back down to earth again with a thud. Yep they sure know how to drag you on that roller coaster don't they? I don't care what they say as far as I'm concerned I'm cancer free and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this news.
I am living proof that cancer by its very nature of being random can for no reason of its own just disappear. Obviously I've been down the clean and green path (although have too say I've fallen off the wagon recently and enjoy chocolate, biscuits and cake), I've taken every supplement known to man, taken a shit load of cannabis oil (especially in the first year of being dx), I've gone down the conventional route of being poisoned, cut and burned, all in all I've thrown everything at this shit and something has worked or is working and long may it continue.
Whilst walking on air out of the oncology department I waited outside for the other half to pick me up, another lady was waiting and we got chatting, she told me about her dx in her 40's (like me) over 20 years ago!!! with breast cancer, and that it had only just decided to show itself again and now she has all these options and drugs to try out, she told me to stay positive and live my life, she was a breath of fresh air, I figured that as I turn 50 this year if I get another 20 years of life I'll be 70 and that would be ok with me. I wouldn't want to live any longer than that anyway (after watching people in there 80s, 90s including my own grandmother who lived to 103 once you get to a certain age its best to go peacefully than to hang on to life that is full of illness and suffering).
In view of trying to maintain a normal-ish life I wont be posting as often as I used to and whilst this blog has been a constant source of comfort and help in venting and ranting, I would like to try and put the monkey on my shoulder even further behind me and in the distance. Of course I will from time to time post and will keep all of my readers up to date with surgery etc If anyone would like to speak to me or discuss anything at all please leave a comment and I will get back to you.
Remember to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and SAVOUR EVERY SECOND.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO ALL OF YOU. XXXX
Showing posts with label disease. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disease. Show all posts
Tuesday, 6 June 2017
Friday, 15 May 2015
Wounded healer, dark night of the soul
The title of this post is a interesting spiritual concept. Wounded healer sounds like a name for an Indian in actual fact its the creation of the eminent psychologist Carl Jung the idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is 'wounded'. I understand this to mean in order to help those affected by an illness or a disease the healer needs to experience the affliction. I came across this ideology after having a numerology report. Its not something I have done every year but the link kept crossing my path and I decided this one time to act upon it. I am and always have been a seriously spiritual person and have developed my own understanding of the after life and what happens its my own personal belief system. I feel we all need to develop an understanding by ourselves of what it means to be human and where we go after we die. The numerology report was an eye opener and so accurate it described me my life and personality including all my bad traits (which I recognised) but more importantly it made me aware of this 'Wounded Healer' concept indeed possibility. Here's the part of the report that talks about Wounded Healer.
Eckhart on the Dark Night of the Soul
Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
"Your attitude towards life in general is very selfless and you usually have a good connection with God or a higher power. However often the number 9 faces a unique challenge at some point in his or her life that seems to be a test of faith. Usually this incident takes the form of a devastating personal loss, disease or some sort of tragedy. This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer."
Leading up to the point of getting this numerology report I had been questioning myself as I do periodically why I got breast cancer? I walked through the woods and up on the coastline pondering this question and as usual I didn't get any answers until I got back and sat at my computer, I am so so glad I decided that I'd get this report done (it was free). For me I finally understand spiritually why I got cancer and why I write this blog. Its important to look into everything even the seemingly bizarre especially when it comes to something as random as cancer. Somebody had to talk about the spiritual side of cancer as well as looking into alternative treatments and unconventional approaches to drugs and treatment and that someone is me. I thought the idea of this blog was to write all of this down so that I could make sense of the mountains of conflicting information out there on this subject. I realise now that this may of been the reason for starting the blog but in actual fact its not the only reason I am writing down this stuff its for other reasons and 'wounded healer' is one of them. To say I am blown away by all of this is an understatement, to me its enlightenment.
Further information on Wounded Healer
In Greek myths, Chiron was the wisest of the Centaurs and the archetype of the Wounded Healer
He was accidentally wounded by an arrow that had been dipped in the blood of the Hydra
In his search for his own cure, he discovered how to heal others
In teaching others the healing arts, he found a measure of solace from his own pain
The Wounded Healer understands what the patient feels because he has gone through the same pain
The suffering patient can be cared for by the Healer and be instrumental in the Healers own healing
Each encounter between Healer and patient can be transforming for both
The lesson of Chiron teaches us is that we can overcome pain and transcend into knowledge
That each of us can become a Wounded Healer
Here's a link to a short film on youtube that explores this concept and explains the symbology and ancient belief system behind it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxEawi9qro
Further information on Wounded Healer
In Greek myths, Chiron was the wisest of the Centaurs and the archetype of the Wounded Healer
He was accidentally wounded by an arrow that had been dipped in the blood of the Hydra
In his search for his own cure, he discovered how to heal others
In teaching others the healing arts, he found a measure of solace from his own pain
The Wounded Healer understands what the patient feels because he has gone through the same pain
The suffering patient can be cared for by the Healer and be instrumental in the Healers own healing
Each encounter between Healer and patient can be transforming for both
The lesson of Chiron teaches us is that we can overcome pain and transcend into knowledge
That each of us can become a Wounded Healer
Here's a link to a short film on youtube that explores this concept and explains the symbology and ancient belief system behind it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxEawi9qro
As for the dark night of the soul then you need to look no further than this wonderful explanation by the visionary teacher Eckhart Tolle.
Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
Saturday, 6 July 2013
Its an epidemic....
So I watched the wonderful Glastonbury Festival at the weekend on the TV as I couldn't afford to attend and I probably wouldn't have the necessary stamina for sleeping in a tent also getting up and down and needing to sit down could become a problem. By far the best bands were Chic feat. Nile Rogers and the Stones. I love love loved Chic's performance they were smooth, slick and ultra cool with their classic disco tracks I found the whole thing so uplifting I downloaded the show and have had it continually on my computer in my art studio, I was surprised to learn that Nile is a super talent and has written countless songs for other superstars like David Bowie, Diana Ross, and the biggest surprise was Daft Punk 'Get Lucky' which is at number 1 in the charts as I write this, the man is pure genius and I love how the music lifted me. So I just googled his name and came up with his website www.nilerogers.com on that website I was shocked to learn that he is also a cancer survivor he had extremely aggressive prostrate cancer and he writes about his experiences with the big c on a blog http://nilerodgers.com/blogs well worth checking it out he say's it like it is when your living in the shadow of cancer but its also incredibly life affirming. If the music doesn't get to you then the blog will. Its like a cancer radar so many people recently are either losing their fight or just diagnosed in the past 2 weeks 4 people I know have been dx with some form of this terrible disease, one of them was dx just last week with bone cancer and apparently has been given days to live!!! What is this shit? why so many people being affected? what is going on? surely we must be somewhere nearer to finding out what causes cancer, its doing my head in, everywhere I turn its there like a bad smell lingering. It feels like its at epidemic proportions, is it the end of humanity? I'm at a complete loss?
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
To bring much needed awareness.....
Hi all,
Today's post is a share of a newspaper article by the brave young woman Kris Hallenga of the breast cancer charity Coppafeel http://www.coppafeel.org/. Here's the link http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/i-never-ask-my-doctor-how-long-ive-got-23yearold-kristin-hallengas-health-crusade-to-warn-women-about-risks-of-breast-cancer-8548853.html. I believe in the same ethos as Kris and would do anything to bring about awareness of breast cancer especially in younger women who are falsely told that breast cancer is an old woman's disease. I was dx having just turned 42 and whilst I am older than Kris (she was only 23 when dx) I still class myself as a younger woman and certainly didn't anticipate or contemplate in any shape or form developing breast cancer it was the furthest thing from my mind.
Today's post is a share of a newspaper article by the brave young woman Kris Hallenga of the breast cancer charity Coppafeel http://www.coppafeel.org/. Here's the link http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/i-never-ask-my-doctor-how-long-ive-got-23yearold-kristin-hallengas-health-crusade-to-warn-women-about-risks-of-breast-cancer-8548853.html. I believe in the same ethos as Kris and would do anything to bring about awareness of breast cancer especially in younger women who are falsely told that breast cancer is an old woman's disease. I was dx having just turned 42 and whilst I am older than Kris (she was only 23 when dx) I still class myself as a younger woman and certainly didn't anticipate or contemplate in any shape or form developing breast cancer it was the furthest thing from my mind.
Friday, 28 December 2012
Good night sweethearts x
I have just found out that on Christmas Day one of the wonderful ladies from the forum Amore has passed away, yet another victim of this dammed disease, she was a inspirational character full of wit and wisdom always a kind word to everyone, I shall miss her and all the other ladies that have passed away this year from Breast Cancer, please join me in saying a prayer for each and everyone of those who have fought and lost their battle with this terrible illness.
Love and light xxx
RIP God Bless you all
Amore Dulce
Geewhiz (Julie)
Kaz (Karen)
Miao
Nicky
Sadie
Elle
Wendy
Love and light xxx
RIP God Bless you all
Amore Dulce
Geewhiz (Julie)
Kaz (Karen)
Miao
Nicky
Sadie
Elle
Wendy
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
The importance of being honest......
We have all heard of phrases like 'keeping it real, living in the here and now, being truthful with yourself' today I have been reminded that to be honest with oneself is the only way to be, some get by with living in denial, shoving it under the carpet and just plain pretending, me I live with it up close and personal somedays its sitting somewhere on my shoulders other days its in my face. We all have to come to terms with whatever it is that is challenging us whether that's our health our finances or family life we all live our lives as best we can taking each day one at a time.
Two things have prompted this post one is the passing of an old school friend who at the age of 44 passed away in her sleep on Friday night, she had a heart condition (same as her mother) she'd been out with her sisters and daughter that night and had a great time, went to bed and didn't wake up, shocking isn't it! I am glad she was spared the suffering and pain albeit she was taken way too young. The second by a fellow cancer patient who was worried about sharing the latest news of her disease progression and her decision to have chemo, as she is a self confessed juice junkie and advocate of alternative treatments she had up until now been successfully treating herself with a raw/juice diet and was worried about telling all her followers/readers of her decision
My advice to everyone reading this blog and anyone affected by the issues it raises, be kind to yourself and those around you no one knows when our time is up our bodies are just vehicles for the soul, all of us pass at some point and remember its not about the dying its about what we do whilst we are alive. Live for the moment.
Wishing you all a very merry xmas and a much much happier new year.
Love and light to all
xxxxxxxxx
Two things have prompted this post one is the passing of an old school friend who at the age of 44 passed away in her sleep on Friday night, she had a heart condition (same as her mother) she'd been out with her sisters and daughter that night and had a great time, went to bed and didn't wake up, shocking isn't it! I am glad she was spared the suffering and pain albeit she was taken way too young. The second by a fellow cancer patient who was worried about sharing the latest news of her disease progression and her decision to have chemo, as she is a self confessed juice junkie and advocate of alternative treatments she had up until now been successfully treating herself with a raw/juice diet and was worried about telling all her followers/readers of her decision
My advice to everyone reading this blog and anyone affected by the issues it raises, be kind to yourself and those around you no one knows when our time is up our bodies are just vehicles for the soul, all of us pass at some point and remember its not about the dying its about what we do whilst we are alive. Live for the moment.
Wishing you all a very merry xmas and a much much happier new year.
Love and light to all
xxxxxxxxx
Friday, 15 June 2012
Promising new drugs.......
Smart Bomb lets blast breast cancer off the face of the earth YEA! Check this link out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-hBh8o5MNU&feature=player_embedded
Fascinating new drug here's the link http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/news/archive/cancernews/2012-06-13-Cancer-fighting-virus-piggybacks-on-blood-cells
xxx
Fascinating new drug here's the link http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/news/archive/cancernews/2012-06-13-Cancer-fighting-virus-piggybacks-on-blood-cells
xxx
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Refreshed but still worried
Been away visiting for a week up in Weston-super-Mare, saw all my old friends and stayed with my parents, feel quite refreshed now even though I was very naughty eating chocolates and drinking lots of tea and coffee all the things I'm supposed to of given up, now I'm back home and drinking the green juice, don't get me wrong its powerful stuff and I think really works, but it was so nice to feel normal going out and having lunches just being normal. Its certainly works wonders a trip away, unfortunately the trip was saddened by the sudden passing of my best friends dad, we'd travelled up together and now she's stuck there looking after her mother who has motor neurons disease, I asked her what I could do for her but really there is nothing I can do other than just be here for emotional support, due to this unforeseen circumstance I shall probably be going up to Weston more frequently.
Slightly worried cause I got a persistant itch on my mx site :0( the nurses at the hospital said they thought it was probably to do with the rads but I'm not so sure and really really need to have a ct scan last one was in Oct last year since then I've done 3 weeks of rads and been on tamoxifen and herceptin all of these could of had some impact on the stuff on my lungs. I have been to my GP and asked him to write to my Onc. about a ct scan but still no reply, so niggling in the back of my mind is the need for a ct scan and the constant worry this brings. Every ache or even slight pain is a source of worry, living with cancer is so hard not just physically but emotionally. Sorry this post ended up a bit negative but thats how I feel.
Slightly worried cause I got a persistant itch on my mx site :0( the nurses at the hospital said they thought it was probably to do with the rads but I'm not so sure and really really need to have a ct scan last one was in Oct last year since then I've done 3 weeks of rads and been on tamoxifen and herceptin all of these could of had some impact on the stuff on my lungs. I have been to my GP and asked him to write to my Onc. about a ct scan but still no reply, so niggling in the back of my mind is the need for a ct scan and the constant worry this brings. Every ache or even slight pain is a source of worry, living with cancer is so hard not just physically but emotionally. Sorry this post ended up a bit negative but thats how I feel.
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