Counselling

Straight after the roller coaster ride of an appt. (see last post) I headed off to see my first counsellor at the local Macmillan centre. I didn't go and see anyone when I was first dx or subsequently mainly because one of the counsellors and her partner who was her boss were known to me in fact at the time they lived 2 doors down from me I didn't feel I could go into the centre or receive counselling having known them and there situation which heartbreakingly was also affected by breast cancer in that the counsellor in question had a sister die of breast cancer just as I was dx basically it was extenuating circumstances that kept me away but upon hearing that this particular person had moved on to another job I decided I try counselling out.

I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or  know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.

All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.

Back to Buckfastleigh........

I posted a little over a year ago about dropping into Buckfast Abbey after a particularly fraught session of radiotherapy and on entering the actual Abbey was over come with emotion and tears, I later found out via a vicar friend of mine that what I was experiencing was to do with the fact that I was in a holy place or as the celtic peoples called it 'thin places' a place where heaven and earth overlap because of this particularly sensitive people like myself are moved to tears with sheer emotion, on this visit I am happy to report a much happier me and no more tears, the Abbey is a special place but I take the lack of emotion or tears as a good sign of my own strength and healing, I lit a candle and said a prayer for our recent loses ie: Laurie and Lisa god bless them, and I wrote out a message to the monks asking them to continue to pray for myself and all others affected by this disease. When I left the Abbey the sun had come out and it truly feels like spring albeit a little bit late.

Other things have been happening, I've started painting again, this is a big positive as I thought I'd never paint again, I am currently painting my contribution to the Royal Academy in submission for the Summer Show 2013 its the first time I've ever entered.

I woke up this morning and had a prophetic dream in so far as I could remember it word for word and I had a message from an old friend weirdly enough a friend that I associate with horses and today is....Grand National Day.... so in the spirit of nothing ventured nothing gained I've put a couple of bets on, see if my prediction will come true, if nothing else it adds a bit of excitement.

Regular readers will know that I've been looking to move this has proved to be very difficult as basically I am without a job (made redundant then got breast cancer) and my partner was made redundant so we are skint and currently living on benefits (which is very hard) I have done some work from home but its never enough, in order to move we need about 2 grand (we rent) I've tried selling everything, my partner has picked up bits of work but nothing concrete and permanent, luckily we did have one asset worth a thousand pounds and this has now sold today, so we have a grand towards the big move. I'm hoping that things will carry on improving and we will continue on this lucky streak, we deserve some good luck.

One Year on.....

Today it is exactly one year since I was dx with breast cancer , not sure how I feel, sort of very mixed feelings, trying to remember what my life was like before the dx, I was happier but stressed, oh and i had a lot more hair (although that is growing back now), it is wierd to think I've been dealing with this shit for a year and it has passed so quickly, not thinking about it nearly as much as in the beginning but still is not out of my mind totally don't suppose it ever will be but I do have a lot to be grateful for and I have learned a lot about myself and how I relate to others, still facing challenges daily and trying to workout what to do with the rest of my life, I really hope I get there and find what it is I'm to do.
Before all of this I was the stereotypical tortured artist trying to make a name for myself (with very little success) working very hard doing 'normal' job on night shifts to pay my way, drifting for what seemed like years, everything was so career focused, I had a plan to get my art career off the ground then to have children, part of that plan will never become a reality for me as I am now in early menopause all thanks to chemo/tamoxifen, so children are out of the question, this is a big regret, one of my friends suggested I adopt something I would dearly love to do but have BC secondaries and don't think I would be allowed to adopt also is it really 'right' or 'fair' given that my life expectancy might not be that long, of course no one knows how long anyone is going to live but its something that constantly crosses my mind.

Sorry for the way this post sounds a bit sad, but it is sad, very very sad, like I said I am truly grateful for everything I have and for the most precious gift of all my life, but that doesn't stop me from grieving for the life I might of had.

Love and congratulations to all survivors
xxxxx

Plant Power Rules

The power of nature to triumph over adversity has yet again proved itself to me, I have always had an affinity with nature, instinctually I love all nature from animals to plants, it is ironic that chemotherapy is developed from plants or from trees like the very poisonous yew tree, or mistletoe. Just watched a documentary on the Himalayas (check it out on the iplayer or BBC 4) at the end of the documentary they discussed the importance of the native plants of that region mainly plants from the Peony and Rhododendron families that have long been used by the local people as healing aids, a scientist from the millennium seed bank at kew spoke of how these plants are being studied in the use of healing and curing of such diseases like Alzheimer's, Diabetes's and Cancer to make the plants the pharmaceutical's of the future, these plants are in danger of extinction due to climate change with global warming proving to be a real threat, thankfully kew are collecting and storing seeds all the time to help avoid extinctions of this kind. I believe the key to finding a cure for cancer is in nature and plants and that we are tantalizingly on the cusp of finding the cure, until that time drinking green juice and smoothies will help in some way to prolong life for those of us afflicted with this terrible disease, I hope and pray it is long enough to find the cure for this blight of society.

The documentary was so beautiful and thought provoking, I think it must of been one of those 'thin places' (I mentioned in previous post) as I could not contain the tears, intuitively I know this is a very special spiritual place.

The Early bird and spiritual enlightenment

Sat at my comupter at 7.30am on a sunday morning (thankyou tamoxifen for the hot flush that woke me up!) listening to a Song Thrush singing its heart out, what a fabulous way to start the day, the sounds are so beautiful I have often listened to this bird song and feel uplifted, inspired and have always found comfort in the knowledge that most are still sleeping, I always used to start painting at this time of day and sometimes through the night, they say we are closer to god at these times the twilight is a special time of day for me.

Couple of days ago after receiving radiotherapy we decided to drive up onto the Moors on our way back down we stopped off at Buckfast Abbey where an order of Benedictine Monks reside it has the usual gift shops and restaurant but this time we also went into the Abbey, the place was so amazing the stained glass windows (all made by the monks) were totally awe inspiring, whilst walking around I was overcome with very strong emotion (this is not the first time in a place of worship) I was sort of happy but moved to tears and was battling hard to contain them, I lit a candle and said a prayer with tears running down my face, this I could not understand I am not particularly religious certainly not Roman Catholic BUT I could feel something there, when I got home I tried to make sense of this but just could not work it out, was it self pity No, was it fear No, what was this?? I approached a fellow breast cancer sufferer who just happens to be a Vicar and asked why? She pointed out that back in the Celtic Pagan religion some of which has been adopted by the christian faith that the pagans had places called 'Thin Places' (google this if you are interested) called thin because they believed that you were closer to god in such places and that the veil between life and the afterlife was thinner in certain places, it was suggested to me that perhaps I might be a sensitive (definite trait of mine being an artist) and therefore going into these places of worship I could of stumbled upon a so called 'Thin Place' I instinctively knew this too be correct and when I thought about it other religious places like Glastonbury and the Tor also the river Dart have moved me to tears again the same sort of feelings accompanied this experience, and so the penny dropped and I managed to understand these complicated and sometimes frustrating emotions.

Whilst at the Abbey a strange coincidence occurred I have always wanted to go to Lourdes in France even before I got breast cancer this was a yearning of mine, on a notice board at the Abbey an advert for a pilgrimage to Lourdes in June this year it costs quite a lot £700 pounds but includes flight and accommodation, needless to say I've taken the email address and phone number, hopefully this will come true and I will go to Lourdes, who knows I could be healed by the special waters there.

Love and light xxx