Second Session and a new diet.....

Hello all,

My second counselling session complete and I'm feeling a lot better not so sure its because of the counselling could be more do to with the new diet I am currently trying out. More on that in the next chapter. The bottom line is I'm not very happy with my appearance this makes me sound very shallow doesn't it? but and its a big one I'm not vain or shallow, before all of this shit hit me I was a healthy 9 stone women who hardly ever looked in the mirror or put make up on not bothered with how I looked because I was happy in my skin I wasn't exactly a super model but I was happy then this shit storm arrived and took my breast, all my confidence, my body image, and threatened my very existence. I've successfully fought this mother fucker with true grit and after all that I'm left permanently feeling like a beached whale! The counsellor suggested that I simply learn to live myself the new me but this just isn't an option, so she referred me to the dietician whom I am seeing in September and sent me away with some homework I need to write a list of  a) my best qualities and b) my achievements when she asked me these two questions I found it hard to reply my first response was under 'qualities' "Creative Expression" being an artist/designer this is a fundamental part of who Sarah actually is, it makes me who I am and has formed my life thus far, how you conduct your life, being creative and pursuing art from an early age has been a catalyst in my life from my choice of friends down to the picture I present to the world. I am going to ponder on the other qualities I might have excluding the stereo typical responses that the counsellor doesn't want ie: that I am compassionate, loving, caring etc. I will continue to write down my response to these questions and others on this blog its very interesting and something I've never engaged in before.



New diet basically its the Atkins diet lo-carb's or no-carb's eating mainly organic meat including fish and shell food, eggs, salads, vegetables, snacking on fruit nuts and seeds. No sweet stuff or high carbs at all ie: no cakes, pastries, crisps, chocolate, bread, white potatoes, pasta (unless its soba noodles, buckwheat) free from all gluten and additives. Started it last Saturday and blimey! I've already started to loose weight!!!! You'd of thought I was gorging myself on all the bad things before but actually I wasn't just eating normally. I think the biggest change is bread, completely cutting it out is making a massive difference, I'm not so bloated and when I look down on my body I'm not faced with the gigantic stomach that I had become accustomed to ok so its not flat yet! but its not as bloated or tight feeling. A big THANK FUCK FOR THAT amen to a carb less diet. I've yet to start exercising properly but have been doing my usual walking around 8 miles a week, including swimming in the sea when the weather permits. My confidence is rocketing I'm finally feeling like I am winning with this ongoing battle and getting back to me. I will keep you all informed as to my progress with this and hope to be posting a pic of a skinny or skinnier me soon. I can't tell you how much happier this has made me feel. I can put up with all the other side effects including migraines, joint pain, mood swings, breathlessness but I just can't stand being weirdly over weight ie: a massive pregnant bloated stomach contributes to the breathlessness makes me feel about 100 with normal legs!!!!!  This cropped up in my email box and basically tells it like it is and is exactly what I've been trying out for the past week. http://www.bcadvisor.com/molly-bain/blog/

Counselling

Straight after the roller coaster ride of an appt. (see last post) I headed off to see my first counsellor at the local Macmillan centre. I didn't go and see anyone when I was first dx or subsequently mainly because one of the counsellors and her partner who was her boss were known to me in fact at the time they lived 2 doors down from me I didn't feel I could go into the centre or receive counselling having known them and there situation which heartbreakingly was also affected by breast cancer in that the counsellor in question had a sister die of breast cancer just as I was dx basically it was extenuating circumstances that kept me away but upon hearing that this particular person had moved on to another job I decided I try counselling out.

I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or  know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.

All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.