If you can't take the heat.........

Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....

A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!

Cancer is fucking bollox.

Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!

Second Session and a new diet.....

Hello all,

My second counselling session complete and I'm feeling a lot better not so sure its because of the counselling could be more do to with the new diet I am currently trying out. More on that in the next chapter. The bottom line is I'm not very happy with my appearance this makes me sound very shallow doesn't it? but and its a big one I'm not vain or shallow, before all of this shit hit me I was a healthy 9 stone women who hardly ever looked in the mirror or put make up on not bothered with how I looked because I was happy in my skin I wasn't exactly a super model but I was happy then this shit storm arrived and took my breast, all my confidence, my body image, and threatened my very existence. I've successfully fought this mother fucker with true grit and after all that I'm left permanently feeling like a beached whale! The counsellor suggested that I simply learn to live myself the new me but this just isn't an option, so she referred me to the dietician whom I am seeing in September and sent me away with some homework I need to write a list of  a) my best qualities and b) my achievements when she asked me these two questions I found it hard to reply my first response was under 'qualities' "Creative Expression" being an artist/designer this is a fundamental part of who Sarah actually is, it makes me who I am and has formed my life thus far, how you conduct your life, being creative and pursuing art from an early age has been a catalyst in my life from my choice of friends down to the picture I present to the world. I am going to ponder on the other qualities I might have excluding the stereo typical responses that the counsellor doesn't want ie: that I am compassionate, loving, caring etc. I will continue to write down my response to these questions and others on this blog its very interesting and something I've never engaged in before.



New diet basically its the Atkins diet lo-carb's or no-carb's eating mainly organic meat including fish and shell food, eggs, salads, vegetables, snacking on fruit nuts and seeds. No sweet stuff or high carbs at all ie: no cakes, pastries, crisps, chocolate, bread, white potatoes, pasta (unless its soba noodles, buckwheat) free from all gluten and additives. Started it last Saturday and blimey! I've already started to loose weight!!!! You'd of thought I was gorging myself on all the bad things before but actually I wasn't just eating normally. I think the biggest change is bread, completely cutting it out is making a massive difference, I'm not so bloated and when I look down on my body I'm not faced with the gigantic stomach that I had become accustomed to ok so its not flat yet! but its not as bloated or tight feeling. A big THANK FUCK FOR THAT amen to a carb less diet. I've yet to start exercising properly but have been doing my usual walking around 8 miles a week, including swimming in the sea when the weather permits. My confidence is rocketing I'm finally feeling like I am winning with this ongoing battle and getting back to me. I will keep you all informed as to my progress with this and hope to be posting a pic of a skinny or skinnier me soon. I can't tell you how much happier this has made me feel. I can put up with all the other side effects including migraines, joint pain, mood swings, breathlessness but I just can't stand being weirdly over weight ie: a massive pregnant bloated stomach contributes to the breathlessness makes me feel about 100 with normal legs!!!!!  This cropped up in my email box and basically tells it like it is and is exactly what I've been trying out for the past week. http://www.bcadvisor.com/molly-bain/blog/

RIP Wisp

Can't believe I am writing this post with this title! My lovely little cat Wisp who was only 11 months old was mowed down by a driver on our country lane out the front of our house the careless driver didn't even stop! We were away at the time and my poor brother had to tell us over the phone then he had to bury him next to our other beloved cat Ted who also went the same way. It begs belief! They were both gorgeous young cats taken way too soon. I am understandably heart broken. What a mixed roller coaster ride of a week that was. Started off very normal and looking forward to going on a short holiday to Newquay staying a friends holiday house whilst my partner did a little bit of work for them on the house, then one day into the holiday we get the dreaded phone call about my little Wisp really hard to keep it together and couldn't grieve properly as we were in company we decided to stay as there was nothing we could do if we went home and Lee finished the job drove back home with heavy hearts and many tears on the Thursday again we couldn't grieve properly because our neighbours were getting married on the Saturday and people were arriving full of life and joy so again another brave face was put on I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over all that false smiling and I hate having my photo taken because I don't recognise the person in the photo as me it did my fucking head in. I managed to come home before the evening party and decided that was enough and stayed at home finally able to come to terms with what had happened. Then Sunday we went out for a meal with friends.

It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.

........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?

Sara by Fleetwood Mac

Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY

UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.

Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx

We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.

My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.

Here we go again hot hot hot.......

Yep you guessed it they are back with revenge hot flushes sort of disappeared for a couple of months and then wham all of a sudden they return with full force in fact they are worse than ever! Before I'd get hot sweat a bit and then it would stop these buggers apparently triggered by the Zoladex (and exasperated by the summer) are the mother of all hot flushes I've experienced whole days of feeling like my entire body is constantly on a hot flush I kid you not this is utter hell!!! So today when the up beat nurse enquired if all was ok on Zoladex I replied no actually I am living in a perpetual burning hell to which she looked at me with that oh I'm so sorry look and promptly went off to discuss with my consultant. (I don't usually moan to them in the hospital about things but I  am glad I didn't do the usual and say" yeah every things fine" NOT!!!  When she returned from the chat with my Onc. it was suggested I go on Megace progesterone tablet apparently this will stop the hot flushes in there tracks BUT as always there are side effects including my pet hate of more fucking weight gain urghhhhh........ and bloody migraines........wonderful so I wont feel like my whole body is on fire anymore but the downside is I wont be able to function ie: move about because of the incredible weight gain and I probably wont be able to get out of bed anyway because of the bloody migraine. Not sure what to do maybe I should try the Megace and monitor whether the weight is piling on if so stop taking it oh what a conundrum and one I'd rather not have to make, who'd of thought I'd be pondering this shit eh!!! 

Here's what it says on the Macmillan site about the drug:

Megestrol can also be used to improve symptoms such as hot flushes or loss of appetite. Hormones are substances produced naturally in the body. They act as chemical messengers and help control the activity of cells and organs. Hormonal therapies interfere with the way hormones are made or how they work in the body.

Many cancers rely on hormones to grow. Megestrol is a drug that is similar to the female sex hormone progesterone. It may work by interfering with the hormone balance in the body, which may stop the cancer growing. It may also act directly on cancer cells so that they can’t grow.

Your doctor will discuss the length of treatment that they feel is appropriate for your situation. Treatment may continue for as long as it is effective in controlling your cancer.

and the possible side effects drawing attention to the text highlighted in Red:

We explain the most common side effects of megestrol here. But we don’t include all the rare ones that are unlikely to affect you. You may get some of the side effects we mention, but you are very unlikely to get all of them. If you are having other drugs as well, you may have some side effects that we don’t list here.

Always tell your cancer doctor or nurse about the side effects you have. They can prescribe drugs to help control some side effects and they can give you advice about managing them.

Increased appetite
The most common side effect is feeling hungrier than usual, which may cause you to gain weight. This effect on your appetite will go away when you stop taking the drug. If you’re worried about gaining weight, talk to your doctor or nurse.

Sometimes megestrol is used to help improve appetite in people who have lost interest in food and are losing weight. 

Swollen hands, feet and ankles
Your hands, feet and ankles may swell because of fluid building up in them. This is not harmful, but can be uncomfortable. Tell your doctor or nurse if you notice any swelling. The swelling will get better after your treatment ends.

Tiredness
You may feel tired and lack energy while taking megestrol. Pace yourself if you feel tired. Try to balance rest periods with some physical activity.
Feeling sick and indigestion

Some people feel sick, especially during the first few weeks of taking megestrol. Tell your doctor if you are affected. They can prescribe treatment to help.

Mood changes
Megestrol may cause changes to your mood. You may feel anxious or restless. You may also have mood swings or problems sleeping. Tell your doctor or nurse if you have any of these side effects. They can make changes to your treatment if the side effects become a problem.
Skin rashes

Some people experience skin rashes. Tell your doctor if this occurs.

Vaginal bleeding in women
Occasionally, women may have light vaginal bleeding (spotting). Let your doctor know if this happens. When you stop taking the drug you may have some bleeding from the vagina, similar to a period.

Don't want to put on anymore weight but equally don't want to end up a puddle of water so what to do, maybe not take it, more weight gain would finish me off. urghhhhh its not easy living with this shit.

Arimidex or NOT...... that is the question

So as many of you will know I have been kind of given the all clear see few posts below. All the scans are clear and there is currently no cancer anywhere whoopie! However, in place of the dammed Tamoxifen which I stopped taking on the 21st July I have been prescribed Arimidex because apparently I am now through the menopause. Last week I decided to have a look into the side effects of this particular hormonal drug and found to my horror even worse side effects than the Tami! My main ache on Tami was the weight gain and the migraines, on this new tablet the side effects are and I quote from real life stories cataracts and blindness!, more fucking weight gain, joint pain, migraines etc etc etc oh with the added high possibility that I will develop arthritis in my thumbs (already have problems with the thumbs) which would need operations!! WOW and they didn't tell me of any of these side effects when they prescribed it to me if they had of done I would of said a flat out NO THANKS. Feeling a bit livid with the docs and hospital for not telling me of this and have weighed it all up...... so if I take it I might prolong my life by a bit longer but I might go blind and have problems with my hands so wouldn't be able to paint and create its a no brainer really isn't it of course I'm not gonna take the shit, I'd rather not be here if I couldn't see the world to create my art. I have an appointment in October to see how I'm going on the Arimidex..... yeah right.....!!!!! not sure what I will tell them at the moment and quite honestly don't want to take anything else. Will continue on the Herceptin because in comparison the side effects are minimal and don't affect me that badly. I would be interested to hear from any of you reading about this drug Arimidex or by brand name Anastrozole and your experiences on this and if you find or recomend any of the other hormonal drugs to be better or with less horrible side effects. Please post a comment below and I will return the message. In place of prescribed drugs I sent off and received my first supply of 120 caps of DIM which I am going to take as a natural alternative to the hormonal's for further information see my report on it in the post titled "DIM definitely not stupid......"Many thanks for listening.

Stopped taking Tamoxifen.....

Thats right I've finally had enough and stopped taking the Tamoxifen its very nearly 3 years since I started taking them and just cant cope anymore with this terrible drug. The list seems endless but this is why I've stopped:

1. Enormous weight gain (4 stone) I've gone from a size 8-10 to size 18-20

2. At least 3 major migraines a week (I used to blame Herceptin but realise now it could be the Tami)

3. Arthritic joint pain in both wrists and ankles

4. Swelling and water retention just to add to the weight misery

5. Cramp in my toes and legs 

6. Hot Flushes including sweating from my eyeballs and feeling like I'm going melt into a puddle

7. Night sweats and unable to sleep

8. Mood swings and depression

9. Unable to walk or function at times due to the above side effects I end up walking around like an 

old lady of 100!!

I've been putting up with this sorry lot for the past 3 years and I've had enough yes I've hit the fuck it button what made me finally decide was the fact that I've been so depressed that I feel like I'd rather not be here anymore I realised this was a suicidal tendency (not good when you live so close to the cliffs) this was the final straw and as of yesterday I've stopped. I have an onc. appt. on August the 8th with results of MRI, CT, heart scan and blood test. Haven't decided whether or not to tell onc about stopping the tablets he will probably go up the wall if I tell him but I just can't live with this anymore I need a better quality of life. I will explain how I've been feeling and the above reasons if I decide to tell him. Obviously I'm still on the sub-cut Herceptin. I wouldn't mind if they tried me on another ai with less side effects but they told me at the last appointment that they wouldn't change the Tamoxifen until I was through the menopause hence the reason for the blood test to determine my menopausal status.

Apparently its going to take a good 3 months for the stuff to be out of my system totally but I feel relieved and happy about my decision. Its a risky strategy but quality of life is just as important.

Back for a bit....

Hello all,
Well I'm back from the terrifically sunny and absolutely gorgeous Newquay it was truly great just too get away although I did miss the cats terribly. Plenty of walks and talks with my friend sandy we also managed to visit the Japanese Garden just outside of Newquay which is magical especially at this time of year, I took a heap load of photo's and ate far too much but what the hell I figured I deserved a break. Taught my friend Sandy to paint with Acrylics which pleased her and me enormously also did a couple of paintings myself. My partner Lee got on and has started the conversion so we will be going back over in a fortnights time for another week and so it goes on until its finished.

MRI results came through whilst I was away in Newquay and the doc's say I'm cancer free on the brain   so big massive sigh of relief and something to celebrate for a change. Hospital appointments are sort of dying down I've got a routine heart scan on the 31st of May and a lymph nurse appointment other than that I don't have to go to the dreaded oncology department for 3 months!!! first time in 2 years, so hallelujah to that. Although I have a slight nagging fear going on in the back of my head which is only alleviated by having regular scans, the doc's said I'd been stable for long enough for them to give my body a radiation scan break.

Other news is I'm still steadily putting on the bloody weight very annoying, this has been getting too me I try not to let it piss me off but I've spent my whole life as a skinny size 8 and now I'm trying on clothes that are a fucking size 16!!!! bloody tamoxifen!!!! When I say gets to me I mean I get really depressed and dive into the fridge I figure I may as well go with it even when I'm just having juice and nothing else I put on weight I may as well eat what the hell I like and be done with it. The worst part is not being able to fit into any of my clothes also I've taken all the mirrors down I can't stand looking at myself anymore because the person staring back at me quite simply is not the Sarah I knew before all of this shit started, its so depressing, god knows what my boyfriend thinks!

Hope you are all doing well and sending everyone some love and light
Sarah xxx