Anti-depressants have become a part of the my life, I never expected that I would have to take medication for depression although looking back I've always been more depressive than upbeat. After being dx I thought I was doing fine, in fact with lack of oestrogen I wasn't as moody as before, leading me to believe that my mood swings were a result of out of balance hormones. Initially I was put on anti-d's for the menopausal symptoms to alleviate the hot flushes caused by an early chemical menopause (which by the way are still as horrendous as they always were) this worked for a while but eventually they stopped working and I am now back in the hot and sweaty position I was before. Trouble is I can't seem to get off them. I want to come off them as they aren't working for what I they were prescribed for. Of course I realise I probably wouldn't of been able to cope with what life has chucked at me over the past 7 years if it wasn't for the tablets.
The best way of describing being on anti-d's is that :
Normal life is full of a rainbow of colours, dazzling,vibrant, bright and alive, once your on anti-d's this rainbow doesn't stop but its muted, toned down, nothing is as bright as before, everything feels safe, everything feels beige.......
The thing is life isn't beige, things happen, life throws curve balls in all shapes and forms, sometimes its amazingly wonderful and at other times its hard to fathom how to cope. I feel dumbed down, on the one hand I don't get stressed out about ANYTHING and I mean anything, everyone tells me how well I cope with my dx but really I don't give a shit because I'm living in the safety of a beige world where nothing touches me, apart from my dad having 2 strokes and is now in nursing home that really upset me and I actually found myself crying but not for long as the ant-d's take the edge off of everything.
Im going to try and ween myself off of them in an attempt to feel like me again. I need the colour back in my life, I need to be me again in all my kaleidoscope of colours.
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Monday, 22 October 2018
Thursday, 11 February 2016
The Outside turned in....
I wanted to vent my feelings and thoughts on the outside world. The outside world has become increasingly on my mind, watching the news, the news flashes on facebook, the terrible state of the world. Our planet is visibly changing, the climate is weird, animals and humans are both affected. Most recently we've had beached sperm whales, why???? these magnificent creatures die horrible deaths where they seem to be starving and they wash up on our beaches a complete mystery. Its worrying. The winter isn't winter anymore its warm its confusing for the birds and animals they don't know whats going on, neither do we. So thats just our planet and environment.
How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.
As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.
How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.
As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD
I've stumbled upon the above phrase PTSD something I didn't think applied to me but as it would happen it does, here's an article explaining why it affects cancer survivors and the symptoms the later of which I can say I have all of the symptoms and have had for along time. This was something I thought the counsellor would pick up on but as per usual I've done some digging around and found this. I would urge any cancer patient/survivor/fighter to read this article its answered some of my questions and helped me understand why I have been so depressed and suicidal.
http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/cs-ptsd-is-real/?utm_source=bcs-bcaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=081815&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=cs-ptsd-is-real&origin=
I tick all the boxes with the symptoms for this particular disorder and will be bringing it up at my next session with the counsellor.
http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/cs-ptsd-is-real/?utm_source=bcs-bcaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=081815&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=cs-ptsd-is-real&origin=
I tick all the boxes with the symptoms for this particular disorder and will be bringing it up at my next session with the counsellor.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Stopped taking Tamoxifen.....
Thats right I've finally had enough and stopped taking the Tamoxifen its very nearly 3 years since I started taking them and just cant cope anymore with this terrible drug. The list seems endless but this is why I've stopped:
1. Enormous weight gain (4 stone) I've gone from a size 8-10 to size 18-20
2. At least 3 major migraines a week (I used to blame Herceptin but realise now it could be the Tami)
3. Arthritic joint pain in both wrists and ankles
4. Swelling and water retention just to add to the weight misery
5. Cramp in my toes and legs
6. Hot Flushes including sweating from my eyeballs and feeling like I'm going melt into a puddle
7. Night sweats and unable to sleep
8. Mood swings and depression
9. Unable to walk or function at times due to the above side effects I end up walking around like an
old lady of 100!!
I've been putting up with this sorry lot for the past 3 years and I've had enough yes I've hit the fuck it button what made me finally decide was the fact that I've been so depressed that I feel like I'd rather not be here anymore I realised this was a suicidal tendency (not good when you live so close to the cliffs) this was the final straw and as of yesterday I've stopped. I have an onc. appt. on August the 8th with results of MRI, CT, heart scan and blood test. Haven't decided whether or not to tell onc about stopping the tablets he will probably go up the wall if I tell him but I just can't live with this anymore I need a better quality of life. I will explain how I've been feeling and the above reasons if I decide to tell him. Obviously I'm still on the sub-cut Herceptin. I wouldn't mind if they tried me on another ai with less side effects but they told me at the last appointment that they wouldn't change the Tamoxifen until I was through the menopause hence the reason for the blood test to determine my menopausal status.
Apparently its going to take a good 3 months for the stuff to be out of my system totally but I feel relieved and happy about my decision. Its a risky strategy but quality of life is just as important.
Thursday, 3 July 2014
Sunshine and shadows.....
Its been a while since I posted on here I suppose I've been trying to get back some sort of normality to my daily life which doesn't include cancer. Having said that the fucking shit is always just round the corner and I find I can never really forget about it. Last week it was an MRI scan on a sunday morning!! this week its a Herceptin shot at the local outreach clinic and of course on a daily basis I am still taking the dammed Tamoxifen, don't really stand much chance of forgetting about it do I? added to which I have a CT scan booked for next tuesday with results d-day booked for the 8th of August and so I'm back on the treadmill that is the waiting game....... I feel bad moaning about this when its such a beautiful day out there all blue skies and summer heat but as the title of this post suggests there is shadows and I'm experiencing one of those day's where I feel deflated, most of my problems lie in the fact that I don't recognise myself anymore, I quite simply don't look like Sarah anymore, the monumental weight gain caused by the Tamoxifen, the pubic hair on top of my head where my beautiful brunette waist length straight hair used to be also toe nails falling off and nails on hands looking decidedly doggy urghhhhh........... think you probably get the picture I'm on an off day, sometimes I ponder about not taking the drugs and seeing what happens when I voice this opinion others around me give me a telling off and make me feel guilty for feeling like this but I can't help it I bloody hate it! I just want to look like me again and not some super inflated, puffed up, doddery version of myself this shit seriously ages you over night. I've started to sub-conciously avoid seeing anyone or going anywhere which is pretty easy to do when you live in a rurally isolated location. A friend of mine is coming over from Australia she's asked to come and see me we haven't seen each other for 15 years, I would dearly love to see her but I just can't face the look of utter shock on her face when she clocks me! I just want to hide away and never see anyone again. This is getting serious....... think I need to tell the doctors about how I am feeling, need for them to try something different, something with less horrendous side effects, or they need to address this chronic depression. Talking of side effects I've read about Herceptin recently and found out that it does affect your blood count didn't realise this and adds to the misery.....
Friday, 8 March 2013
Signs and symbols bring some comfort.....
Want to know if you have been visited by an Angel or a passed loved one?
If so it might be time to take a closer look at the signs around you.
Angels and those we have lost, particularly ones we have loved dearly, will often leave signs to reassure, comfort and guide those they've visited. Whether it's to remind us of their presence, help us through a difficult time or merely to let us know they're there if we need them, these beings will always find a way of alerting us to their presence – often in very unusual and unexpected ways.
If you'd like to find out whether you've been visited by an angel or deceased loved one, why they've come to you and interpret any secret messages they might have left you, the following overview of some of the most common signs and their meanings should answer some of your questions.
White feathers Perhaps one of the most well-known signs you've been visited by an Angel, these magical blessings are something many of us keep an eye out for and treasure once we discover.
Often referred to as 'calling cards,' they're left as welcome reminders that Angels are there for us if we need them and continually watching over us each day.
Pennies Celestial beings will often leave coins for those they are watching over – in fact, it's thought that's where the expression 'pennies from heaven' originally came from!
Left to console and reassure those who find them – generally when they're feeling a little blue or under the weather – they're said to be tossed by angels to make smiles out of frowns.
Butterflies The beautiful insects are frequently sent to us by our lost loved ones, either to remind us they're always watching over us and nearby, or just to let us know they're OK.
Robins Also signifying a visit from a deceased family member of friends, these are always a welcome sight and will often visit the same gardens year after year, reassuring those who see them that their passed loved ones are still near.
Rainbows If you're thinking about Angels and a rainbow suddenly catches your attention, it's likely to be one of these celestial beings confirming their presence to you – even more spectacular when there's been no rain!
If so it might be time to take a closer look at the signs around you.
Angels and those we have lost, particularly ones we have loved dearly, will often leave signs to reassure, comfort and guide those they've visited. Whether it's to remind us of their presence, help us through a difficult time or merely to let us know they're there if we need them, these beings will always find a way of alerting us to their presence – often in very unusual and unexpected ways.
If you'd like to find out whether you've been visited by an angel or deceased loved one, why they've come to you and interpret any secret messages they might have left you, the following overview of some of the most common signs and their meanings should answer some of your questions.
White feathers Perhaps one of the most well-known signs you've been visited by an Angel, these magical blessings are something many of us keep an eye out for and treasure once we discover.
Often referred to as 'calling cards,' they're left as welcome reminders that Angels are there for us if we need them and continually watching over us each day.
Pennies Celestial beings will often leave coins for those they are watching over – in fact, it's thought that's where the expression 'pennies from heaven' originally came from!
Left to console and reassure those who find them – generally when they're feeling a little blue or under the weather – they're said to be tossed by angels to make smiles out of frowns.
Butterflies The beautiful insects are frequently sent to us by our lost loved ones, either to remind us they're always watching over us and nearby, or just to let us know they're OK.
Robins Also signifying a visit from a deceased family member of friends, these are always a welcome sight and will often visit the same gardens year after year, reassuring those who see them that their passed loved ones are still near.
Rainbows If you're thinking about Angels and a rainbow suddenly catches your attention, it's likely to be one of these celestial beings confirming their presence to you – even more spectacular when there's been no rain!
Scents Sometimes those we've lost will remind us of their presence by surrounding us with a particular fragrance or smell that makes us think of them, so take note of any familiar aromas that waft your way – you never know, they might just be a sign from a deceased loved one! Angels also like to make their appearances known through the power of smell and will often leave floral trails in the areas they have visited.
Dreams Angels and deceased loved ones will also often come to us in while we sleep as this tends to be the time we're most relaxed and receptive. Generally speaking, these will be more vivid than your regular ones and remain in your mind much fresher.
Sparkles of light Depending on their colour, these messages will usually be sent by the angel whose help you need most at the time – if you've been going through a hard time, for instance, and keep seeing green sparkles every where you go, it could be a sign from Archangel Raphael – the Angel synonymous with healing – letting you know he's there to help you.
Touch This is likely to be very subtle and either feel like a soft brush on your arm or neck, or a tingling sensation across your back.
A Voice Seemingly coming out of nowhere, this is one of the most obvious signs an Angel's come to visit you and will either literally tell you it's there for you out loud, or reassure you – perhaps when you are feeling frightened or uncertain – through a little whisper that everything is going to be OK.
Music and television Hearing a song or lyric on the radio using words that help, reassure or confirm something for you is never a coincidence, but the work of angels attempting to clarify or ease a situation for you. Similarly, if you happen to be flicking through channels and come across a show or documentary that relates to something that's been troubling you at the time, don't ignore it; it could be a message from the celestial realm giving you your answer!
Books and magazines The next time a meaningful piece of writing grabs your attention, whether it's a book suddenly falling from a shelf as you walk by, or words in a magazine that instantly catch your eye, take a moment to read what they say; you'll be amazed at how often they'll relate in some way to your current situation. Every time they do, you can be sure it's a message from an Angel.
Telephone calls If you suddenly receive a call from someone you really need support from at the exact moment you most need them, you can be sure an Angel's intervened somewhere along the way, either making them think of you at just the right time or giving them the clarity and wisdom to offer you the advice you need.
Buildings and advertising slogans This could be something simple as asking Archangel Michael for help and then noticing a building named St Michael's shortly after – a sure sign he has heard your call and is there if you need him. However, angels will also send their messages to you in a number of different ways so make sure you look out for any recurring slogans on billboards, shop names or roads that seem to strike a chord with you.
Angel shapes Never underestimate how clever angels can be; they are all around us and can physically appear – in the form of an outline or shape – in almost anything, from the clouds in the sky to the bubbles in your bath!
Whether it's to remind us of their presence, help us through a difficult time, or to let us know they're there, Angels will always find a way of alerting us to their presence.
Dreams Angels and deceased loved ones will also often come to us in while we sleep as this tends to be the time we're most relaxed and receptive. Generally speaking, these will be more vivid than your regular ones and remain in your mind much fresher.
Sparkles of light Depending on their colour, these messages will usually be sent by the angel whose help you need most at the time – if you've been going through a hard time, for instance, and keep seeing green sparkles every where you go, it could be a sign from Archangel Raphael – the Angel synonymous with healing – letting you know he's there to help you.
Touch This is likely to be very subtle and either feel like a soft brush on your arm or neck, or a tingling sensation across your back.
A Voice Seemingly coming out of nowhere, this is one of the most obvious signs an Angel's come to visit you and will either literally tell you it's there for you out loud, or reassure you – perhaps when you are feeling frightened or uncertain – through a little whisper that everything is going to be OK.
Music and television Hearing a song or lyric on the radio using words that help, reassure or confirm something for you is never a coincidence, but the work of angels attempting to clarify or ease a situation for you. Similarly, if you happen to be flicking through channels and come across a show or documentary that relates to something that's been troubling you at the time, don't ignore it; it could be a message from the celestial realm giving you your answer!
Books and magazines The next time a meaningful piece of writing grabs your attention, whether it's a book suddenly falling from a shelf as you walk by, or words in a magazine that instantly catch your eye, take a moment to read what they say; you'll be amazed at how often they'll relate in some way to your current situation. Every time they do, you can be sure it's a message from an Angel.
Telephone calls If you suddenly receive a call from someone you really need support from at the exact moment you most need them, you can be sure an Angel's intervened somewhere along the way, either making them think of you at just the right time or giving them the clarity and wisdom to offer you the advice you need.
Buildings and advertising slogans This could be something simple as asking Archangel Michael for help and then noticing a building named St Michael's shortly after – a sure sign he has heard your call and is there if you need him. However, angels will also send their messages to you in a number of different ways so make sure you look out for any recurring slogans on billboards, shop names or roads that seem to strike a chord with you.
Angel shapes Never underestimate how clever angels can be; they are all around us and can physically appear – in the form of an outline or shape – in almost anything, from the clouds in the sky to the bubbles in your bath!
Whether it's to remind us of their presence, help us through a difficult time, or to let us know they're there, Angels will always find a way of alerting us to their presence.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Black Friday.......Cant keep it in.....
MEGA WARNING AND ADVANCE APOLOGIES TO ALL THOSE SENSITIVE SOULS OR THE OVERLY POSITIVE READERS OF THIS BLOG SEVERE SWEARING AND MASSIVE NEGATIVITY IN THIS NEXT POST IN THE WORDS OF CAT STEVENS "I CANT KEEP IT IN, I GOTTA LET IT OUT.....
So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx
So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx
Thursday, 27 September 2012
The Swallows, Betty and the Surgeon....
As the title might suggest this is a some what melancholy post and I feel I have to warn you that I am particularly low at the moment. I'm not sure why could be to do with yet another of the wonderful ladies on the forum passing (see previous posts), or that quite a few ladies on the FB chat group are suffering and fighting hard, could be just to do with the time of year and the fact that I get very very sad when the swallows leave, it's the final curtain for summer (certainly cold enough!).
The other morning I counted around 50 swallows balancing on the wires, all very active and singing their hearts out it was like the last gathering before the big off. So I bid them farewell for this year and secretly wonder will I still be here to see them return! I think that's what is getting too me.
Tomorrow I see my breast surgeon Dr D., haven't seen him since my mx last year so I think this is just a routine check up appointment, but for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about it last night and ended up getting out of bed at 4 in the morning and reading my Betty Shine books which as it happens is not such a bad thing, Betty died back in 2002 but she was a phenomenal healer/medium/clairvoyant her daughter Janet Shine has produced a website http://www.zitaglio.com/bettyshine/ and channels her mother to provide absent healing, so I have written to her in the hope that she can send me some absent healing.
Its ridiculous but we've just been out blackberry picking and I caught myself crying whilst walking around, I quickly put my sunglasses on to try and hide my tears, and I know its stupid I honestly don't know what I am crying about, as far as all the cancer stuff I'm actually doing really well, I suppose its like a monkey stuck to my back its never far behind me and will always tug at the heart strings as I lament on my life before breast cancer and yearn to be care free and back to my old self. Thank god for this blog, I really needed to let that lot out.
Love and light to all
xxx
The other morning I counted around 50 swallows balancing on the wires, all very active and singing their hearts out it was like the last gathering before the big off. So I bid them farewell for this year and secretly wonder will I still be here to see them return! I think that's what is getting too me.
Tomorrow I see my breast surgeon Dr D., haven't seen him since my mx last year so I think this is just a routine check up appointment, but for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about it last night and ended up getting out of bed at 4 in the morning and reading my Betty Shine books which as it happens is not such a bad thing, Betty died back in 2002 but she was a phenomenal healer/medium/clairvoyant her daughter Janet Shine has produced a website http://www.zitaglio.com/bettyshine/ and channels her mother to provide absent healing, so I have written to her in the hope that she can send me some absent healing.
Its ridiculous but we've just been out blackberry picking and I caught myself crying whilst walking around, I quickly put my sunglasses on to try and hide my tears, and I know its stupid I honestly don't know what I am crying about, as far as all the cancer stuff I'm actually doing really well, I suppose its like a monkey stuck to my back its never far behind me and will always tug at the heart strings as I lament on my life before breast cancer and yearn to be care free and back to my old self. Thank god for this blog, I really needed to let that lot out.
Love and light to all
xxx
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