Sunshine and shadows.....

Its been a while since I posted on here I suppose I've been trying to get back some sort of normality to my daily life which doesn't include cancer. Having said that the fucking shit is always just round the corner and I find I can never really forget about it. Last week it was an MRI scan on a sunday morning!! this week its a Herceptin shot at the local outreach clinic and of course on a daily basis I am still taking the dammed Tamoxifen, don't really stand much chance of forgetting about it do I? added to which I have a CT scan booked for next tuesday with results d-day booked for the 8th of August and so I'm back on the treadmill that is the waiting game....... I feel bad moaning about this when its such a beautiful day out there all blue skies and summer heat but as the title of this post suggests there is shadows and I'm experiencing one of those day's where I feel deflated, most of my problems lie in the fact that I don't recognise myself anymore, I quite simply don't look like Sarah anymore, the monumental weight gain caused by the Tamoxifen, the pubic hair on top of my head where my beautiful brunette waist length straight hair used to be also toe nails falling off and nails on hands looking decidedly doggy urghhhhh........... think you probably get the picture I'm on an off day, sometimes I ponder about not taking the drugs and seeing what happens when I voice this opinion others around me give me a telling off and make me feel guilty for feeling like this but I can't help it I bloody hate it! I just want to look like me again and not some super inflated, puffed up, doddery version of myself this shit seriously ages you over night. I've started to sub-conciously avoid seeing anyone or going anywhere which is pretty easy to do when you live in a rurally isolated location. A friend of mine is coming over from Australia she's asked to come and see me we haven't seen each other for 15 years, I would dearly love to see her but I just can't face the look of utter shock on her face when she clocks me! I just want to hide away and never see anyone again. This is getting serious....... think I need to tell the doctors about how I am feeling, need for them to try something different, something with less horrendous side effects, or they need to address this chronic depression. Talking of side effects I've read about Herceptin recently and found out that it does affect your blood count didn't realise this and adds to the misery.....

Swearing Alert.......and.......Spring is finally here...

Warning severe swearing alert.
A totally gorgeous day of full on sunshine, thoroughly enjoyed it and secretly revelled in the fact that the horrible neighbours that live in the downstairs flat have moved out, its taken them 4 days but at last..... they have departed......thank fuck for that. They were the worst neighbours we have ever had in the 8 years we have been living in this flat, they moaned and whinged constantly to the landlords who in turn wrote nasty spiteful letters venting there disgust at what the OAP's downstairs had complained about, started off with where we parked our car, then it moved onto a moan about our old car being parked outside our garage or the fact that I had not done the rockery for a long time she actually said too me " we have too look at it" to which I replied well why don't you do the rockery for a change I've done it for 8 fucking years and I'm not feeling up to it at the moment, still feeling the effects of all the drugs I've been on and continue to take for this breast cancer shit, then she went onto to state "you've finished all your treatment" what a fucking bitch!!! none of her business and I told her for the record I hadn't finished my treatment I was going to be on it indefinitely, her response was to walk off with no comment. So its a big flipping hurrah from me, that they are going going gone!!! Yipeee.

This does however beautifully illustrate other peoples reaction to breast cancer, I didn't tell her what had happened to me but someone must of said something, she then went onto assume that I was all cured and better now that I'd finished my treatment!!!! This sort of retort is annoying to say the least, people tend to assume that all breast cancer is treatable and after some treatment you are cured, they don't get it that there are 10 sub-groups of this shit and everyone has too be given a tailor made treatment plan because we aren't all the same. I think because I look ok that everyone wrongly assumes that I am over it, I am not fucking over it I never will be over it, its still the first thing I think upon waking in the morning, I work very hard at trying to put it to the back of my brain bearing in mind we are talking of the same brain that was put through an MRI scan last week for suspected brain mets, this is my reality this is what I live with daily there is no let up, it just goes on and on. I stay as positive as possible, I pray and give thanks daily for life and living, I attend spiritual healers and I look after myself as much as possible, all it takes is for one stupid thoughtless insensitive comment and I'm right back at square one again, feeling angry, annoyed, upset, frightened and generally terrified, I think you get the picture.  No one knows what its like to live with cancer until your up close and personal with it you really can't know what its like unless your in the same position.

You might think from reading this blog that I am obsessed with this breast cancer shit, quite honestly I'm pretty good with it, I don't tell everyone about it, I don't talk about it daily (only on this blog) and I try my hardest to see some good in being dealt a bad card.

Whilst receiving spiritual healing the other day my healer told me she had received a message from 'the other side' in answer to my question, I said " I didn't ask you any questions" she said " probably a sub-concious question" the question was "why me?" the answer was she said an image of strands of DNA. To which she told me it was already written in my DNA why I got cancer, it was a freak of nature that I had developed breast cancer, she also told me it had nothing to do with my smoking as a younger woman or eating red meat, quite simply my blueprint was fucked from the start. Its taking me a while to digest this information and I'm still working on it mentally, will post when I've had more time to decipher it.

Sunshine and Yoga....

Surely it must be the first day of spring! Its sunny! first time in ages and it brings an inner warmth to my heart. Talking of heart got a heart scan today so fingers crossed the old ticker is doing ok. Did my fourth week of yoga only 2 more to go and I am loving it, very gentle not too hard and I've started trying to do some at home a little everyday, certainly helps when it comes to the actual lesson and I'm not puffing and panting so much. Trying to get a good walk in at least once a week but if this weather keeps up I will attempt to do half an hour a day of solid fast paced walking. Getting into the chanting this week Ra ma da sa sa say so hung repeated over and Sat Nam over and over it really helps with the breathing and clearing out the mental clutter, very effective and enjoyable. Recommend anyone of any age to Kundalini Yoga, might be going all out on the yoga this week as our tutor is holding a one off special chocolate and yoga exploring chocolate as a super food (which it is) and making some sugar free treats with raw cocoa, after wards doing some yoga I am very tempted especially the healthy chocolate part yum yum xxxx