Bra-less

This is the first time I've shared my remaining massive boob problem. So I've gone from a size 32aa to a 42c its crackers and its taken me time to adjust to the massive boob but Im sick of it, its a constant reminder that Im ill or have been very ill, it hangs there useless and big and shouts out big boob with a problem to all that manage to chance a look. My main problem is I can't wear a bra it hurts me so much, I've worked out that when they took the lymph nodes out they must of taken some out of the torso of my body because I don't get lymphedema in the usual place ie: my arm its on the side of my body where the bra strap crosses, I kid you not it bloody kills if I put a bra on, I wore a bra to a wedding and after an hour wearing it I had to take it off in the loo's as it was killing me. So this leaves me bra less the majority of the time and having to wear things that cover up constantly. Obviously this is having a knock on effect and doesn't help my self confidence at all, the big boob is getting bigger and more droopy and I feel ugly and shit. I wished they'd of taken both the boobs at the same time at least I would be balanced, but they refused saying "I never operate on a healthy breast" uh I have secondary breast cancer both of them are pretty unhealthy. So I've phoned breast care nurse and mentioned this problem to her, she didn't realise this was the reason why I don't wear a bra and sympathised with me but told me this posed a problem that she didn't know the answer to so I'm waiting to hear what she comes up with, she did mention about reconstruction, something I decided against when I had the mastectomy but this might help my current bra less situation, I don't know but will keep you all posted.

Stopped taking Tamoxifen.....

Thats right I've finally had enough and stopped taking the Tamoxifen its very nearly 3 years since I started taking them and just cant cope anymore with this terrible drug. The list seems endless but this is why I've stopped:

1. Enormous weight gain (4 stone) I've gone from a size 8-10 to size 18-20

2. At least 3 major migraines a week (I used to blame Herceptin but realise now it could be the Tami)

3. Arthritic joint pain in both wrists and ankles

4. Swelling and water retention just to add to the weight misery

5. Cramp in my toes and legs 

6. Hot Flushes including sweating from my eyeballs and feeling like I'm going melt into a puddle

7. Night sweats and unable to sleep

8. Mood swings and depression

9. Unable to walk or function at times due to the above side effects I end up walking around like an 

old lady of 100!!

I've been putting up with this sorry lot for the past 3 years and I've had enough yes I've hit the fuck it button what made me finally decide was the fact that I've been so depressed that I feel like I'd rather not be here anymore I realised this was a suicidal tendency (not good when you live so close to the cliffs) this was the final straw and as of yesterday I've stopped. I have an onc. appt. on August the 8th with results of MRI, CT, heart scan and blood test. Haven't decided whether or not to tell onc about stopping the tablets he will probably go up the wall if I tell him but I just can't live with this anymore I need a better quality of life. I will explain how I've been feeling and the above reasons if I decide to tell him. Obviously I'm still on the sub-cut Herceptin. I wouldn't mind if they tried me on another ai with less side effects but they told me at the last appointment that they wouldn't change the Tamoxifen until I was through the menopause hence the reason for the blood test to determine my menopausal status.

Apparently its going to take a good 3 months for the stuff to be out of my system totally but I feel relieved and happy about my decision. Its a risky strategy but quality of life is just as important.

The end of Clonidine....

I was prescribed the drug Clonidine nearly a year ago to help with my extreme hot flushes and migraines, initially it worked wonders but recently stopped working and I had to increase from 4 a day to 6 a day, finally I've realised that I am suffering a multitude of side effects associated with the use of Clonidine so a couple of days ago I decided to stop taking the drug, I realise I should of stopped it gradually over a week or so but just don't want to put any more of that shit into my system so I stopped taking it 2 days ago. The side effects I have been suffering from are numerous and horrible! To name a few weight gain as well as fluid retention and swelling being the main offenders, also dizziness which explains why I have been falling over such a lot recently, blurred vision, heart palpitations and finally the hot flushes are creeping back, ironically since I stopped using the dam drug my hot flushes have become less! although this could be something to do with the cold frosty weather but still not as many hot flushes. I reckon I've lost about half a stone since I stopped using the drug and basically that was just in water retention! other side effects worth a mention are hair loss (like I need to loose anymore hair!!) and insomnia which explains why I've finally been getting a good nights sleep since finishing the dammed drug. Oh god it never stops, its just one nightmare after another, I am now going to persevere without the dammed Clonidine and see if I can loose some weight and get a bit fitter. If I find anything natural that reduces the hot flushes all the better and of course I shall keep you all informed.

Lymphedema? and the great flood......

Wow another one of those days!! Got bitten on my leg by a horseflie thought to myself I'll go to dr on Monday, then whilst enjoying a brief respite from the pouring rain (I live next village from Yealmpton on national news as it flooded) another of the nasty buggers bitten me this time on my right arm by wrist I've had all the lymph nodes out in that arm and distinctly remember my BCN (breast cancer nurse) saying "not to cause any trauma on that side or it could turn into Lymphedema (see below description) " so was worried sick I ended up phoning the NHS help line and they put me onto a very nice Dr who phoned me back and wrote out a prescription for antihistamines and antibiotics, so now drugged up to the eyeballs on the stuff, it never rains and then it pours excuse the pun!!!!

If any readers have had their lymph nodes out and don't understand the implications of this here's a description of what Lymphedema is. One of the most common causes of lymphedema is removal of the breast (mastectomy) and underarm lymph tissue for breast cancer. This causes lymphedema of the arm in 10 - 15% of patients, because the lymphatic drainage of the arm passes through the armpit (axilla). The main symptom is persistent swelling of the affected limb also note there is no tablet or drug to take that will relieve this symptom and once you have developed it, it can be very hard to reverse the process, the only thing you can do is wear a compression sleeve and of course exercise can manually move the fluid along so it always helps to do the exercises the BCN gave you whilst in recovery from the mastectomy.

On a lighter not I've been busy baking my first loaf of bread today in borrowed breadmaking machine, tasted delicious and I love the fact I know what's in it also baked a sticky toffee pudding smells yummy, sending you all my love and a cyber slice of the sticky toffee xxxxx