Bra-less

This is the first time I've shared my remaining massive boob problem. So I've gone from a size 32aa to a 42c its crackers and its taken me time to adjust to the massive boob but Im sick of it, its a constant reminder that Im ill or have been very ill, it hangs there useless and big and shouts out big boob with a problem to all that manage to chance a look. My main problem is I can't wear a bra it hurts me so much, I've worked out that when they took the lymph nodes out they must of taken some out of the torso of my body because I don't get lymphedema in the usual place ie: my arm its on the side of my body where the bra strap crosses, I kid you not it bloody kills if I put a bra on, I wore a bra to a wedding and after an hour wearing it I had to take it off in the loo's as it was killing me. So this leaves me bra less the majority of the time and having to wear things that cover up constantly. Obviously this is having a knock on effect and doesn't help my self confidence at all, the big boob is getting bigger and more droopy and I feel ugly and shit. I wished they'd of taken both the boobs at the same time at least I would be balanced, but they refused saying "I never operate on a healthy breast" uh I have secondary breast cancer both of them are pretty unhealthy. So I've phoned breast care nurse and mentioned this problem to her, she didn't realise this was the reason why I don't wear a bra and sympathised with me but told me this posed a problem that she didn't know the answer to so I'm waiting to hear what she comes up with, she did mention about reconstruction, something I decided against when I had the mastectomy but this might help my current bra less situation, I don't know but will keep you all posted.

A new ache........

Hi all,

Its been a while since I posted I've been busy with art stuff all good and very exciting I am terribly happy about it BUT as per usual something is nagging me...... its an ache and its in my hip bone WTF is it! could just be natural deterioration of a unnaturally chemo aged body or is it a sign of something else? Only one way to find out and thats a visit to the doctors and a bone scan urghhhhhhhh.....FFS!!

Its not just an ache when I lie on that side in bed it hurts a dull deep ache, I know that on a couple of my CT scan reports there was some discussion "There is a well defined area of sclerosis in the right SI joint" and in the most up to date report that I have a copy of it detailed again as "Sclerosis adjacent to the right SI joint which is static. Ummmmm so it appears there is something in that area that is causing me pain some sort of degradation of tissue the pain is similar to the dammed tennis elbow which I am suffering in my right elbow but in the hip area so could be arthritic. Any way back to the Doc's with this one. Just when everything seems to be going right this turns up......its not going to dampen my exciting developments with my art works and the fact a major publishing house has offered me a contract. YAY..... happy dance..... ouch!!!!! better tone down the hip swinging on the right hand side lol.

Seriously though it is a bummer every ache and pain has the potential to be something sinister cancer related, certainly something to add a dose of terror into daily life, every time you wonder is this it? what is that? and WHY THE FUCK ME? every time........

People say " I could get knocked down by a bus or crash my car" trying to put a sort of semblance of normality into the situation, it doesn't matter how many ways you look at it and from what angle its still terrifying knowing you had cancer that it did spread and that it could always pop up its ugly little head whenever it feels like it for no apparent reason, its like having a noose wrapped round your neck all the time waiting for it to tighten, holding your breath, something I apparently do quite a lot in my sleep, holding my breath a sure sign of latent anxiety lurking in the background. Anyway not gonna let it get me down today got too much creativity in me now need to go paint and listen to A-ha and the drop dead gorgeous Morten Harket singing "Summer moved on"

5:2, jucing, Atkins combined diet

Hi all,
So, the weight is kind of stubborn ie: been following the self imposed no carbs, sugar, dairy diet for got to of been 8 or 9 weeks now and initially lost half a stone then a lot slower another half a stone then it stopped coming off so have decided I need to impose more restrictions in my diet and looked at the 5:2 diet this is the one where you eat normally for 5 days and on 2 days a week only eat 500 calories per day so in  my case I'm going to continue with the no carbs, dairy, sugar etc but on 2 days a week I'm going to only drink juice. Apart from the obvious ie: weight loss the reason I am doing this is to make sure I am getting the green stuff at least for 2 days a week. I've sort of dropped off the juicing wagon for a while mainly because I was pretty sick and tired of putting on loads of flipping weight and also because I just couldn't be bothered with the phaff of doing it. I had been juicing for 3 years solid every day without fail taking supplements and drinking pints of it and got to the point where I was very bored and pissed off with it. So, as of next week I am going to be adjusting my diet to include juice and eat nothing other than drink juice on those 2 days a week. We will see if the weight starts to drop off then its working if not then to put it bluntly I'm fucked!!!!! cause basically I would of tried all within my power to loose weight the only conclusion I will be forced to come to is that its an under active thyroid causing the problem. Which reminds me I will be going back for a thyroid scan on the 1st of Nov as it will of been 3 months since doing the last test which showed my thyroid function wasn't working but due to there protocol I have to wait 3 months to be re-tested to make sure it wasn't just a glitch first time round. Shit isn't it?

Zoladex v Oophorectomy

A week ago after 4 years in menopause my body decided to have a last hurrah and I had a period WTF!! I have never felt so low honestly even when I was dx I didn't feel this low but I was really really down, suicidal and depressed then I started to get the old period pains and thought eh up what's this! then I got the period fairly light but so dammed painful. All of a sudden things started to click into place I hadn't had a blasted hot flush for at least a week, my skin was incredibly spotty and I was feeling like I used to feel before I got dx utterly depressed obviously I was producing oestrogen and whilst I would love not to have the menopausal symptoms I definitely wouldn't want to swap it for the period related symptoms and the obvious one cancer! So reluctantly I phoned my onc's secretary told her she relayed this to Onc. who got her to phone me back with an immediate appt. the following day, wonders will never cease! The discussion was how to deal with the period and it was decided that I've to add yet another fucking drug to my arsenal of Zoladex implant. This consists of a heavy duty needle injected into your tummy (thank fuck for the tire around my stomach otherwise it would of been horrendously painful) I'm to have a low dose at first for the first 3 injections every 3 weeks then every 3 months thereafter. Urghhhhhh.............. 

So within hours the period stopped and I started to feel less agitated anxious and depressed I was ultra surprised at how quickly this thing works! Straight away the old hot flushes returned and the headaches were back but at least I didn't feel suicidal! However, I'm thinking whats the point in having these injections why not just have the buggers removed? I'm now trying to figure out what the pros and cons of having such an operation would entail and how it would affect my life afterwards. Weirdly enough Angelina Jolie Pitt has just had this very same operation in her attempts to thwart the getting cancer (she has an incredibly high risk to getting both breast and ovarian cancer) she's had them out and is now on hormonal patches to help with the menopausal side effects. Of course for us breast cancer hormonal ladies having HRT by way of patches or anything else is not an option so its like going cold turkey with nothing to alleviate the effects BUT I have been going through this menopausal thing for 4 years already surely this shit stops at some point!!!! I need to work this thing out when I have more info I will post it and list the pro's and con's it might help someone else who is faced with this dilemma.

Fun in the Sun....

Its been a while since I posted mainly due to the arrival of summer in all her glory, living in South Devon we are spoilt for choice when it comes to gorgeous beaches and plenty of messing around on the water, so as you will of gathered I have been playing and enjoying myself instead of moaning and feeling depressed, its true the weather really does play an important role in your mental health. I've spent a fair few hours swimming in the sea (it really was that hot!) the sea salt worked wonders on my poor arm, I got bitten by another horse fly and reacted very badly too it, my whole arm swelled up luckily not my affected side but unfortunately the side the nurse has to stick the needle in for my Herceptin, so I got a week off the stuff to allow the arm to heal and just in case it turned into septicaemia! Horse fly's are utter bastards!

As far as planet Cancer is concerned I have some shocking news my best friend's sister in law aged early 50's was diagnosed with Lung Cancer which by the time they had found it had spread onto all of her bones it took two weeks from being diagnosed to her passing, everyone is left in complete shock she leaves behind 3 daughters the youngest is 15, its crazy shit and it doesn't get more scarier than that.

As far as my cancer is concerned I'm ok at the moment, I've been and seen my Onc. who agrees with me about the dammed Tamoxifen, I kid you not when I say I've put on 4 stone!!! this is just crazy weight gain never before have I been this big I was always a size 8!!!! so this along with my very very achey cramped legs and feet have made my Onc. request a ton of blood tests and if they come back ok then she really will have too do something about the Tamoxifen I have way too many side effects and she told me that if I am post menopausal then I have a far greater choice of hormonal drugs to try, an appointment is booked for the results at the end of August and as always I will keep you informed. Another slight annoyance is an itch on my left breast (I had an itch on my right breast and then found advanced BC!) its gone today and I'm praying it was just something itchy in my top that was annoying me of course it doesn't help being so blasted hot and bothered (hot flush central) I now sleep with the fan pointing at my face and I am happy to report it works yipeeeee!!!

That just about wraps it up for today's post of course I will keep you all informed about results etc but in the mean time enjoy the remainder of the summer and treasure those blissful moments. xxx

Breakdown in the mall.....

Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in  the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be.  I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!

So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.

Estrogen madness and migraines.....

I spoke too soon, the dreaded migraines are back.... what a bummer!
I'm still taking the beta blockers and I've increased the dosage but I still suffered with an almighty migraine yesterday and spent the whole day in bed on a concoction of drugs including and starting with Paracetamol that didn't touch it so I tried 2 Co Codamol, they took the edge off of it but only for about an hour so after 3 hours I decided to take a Sumatriptan this finally got rid of it. I am trying not to take the Sumatriptan as it can cause more headaches the more you take it, a kind of catch 22 effect. Anyway feel ok today albeit a bit frazzled around the edges but at least I can get out of bed and get on with living.

I came across this on face book and found it interesting when I went through the list I realised I had and continue to have a lot of the symptoms listed, wish I'd found this before I got cancer it may have given me an indication of what was wrong with me. I used to suffer with migraines before I got cancer and whilst going through chemo etc the headaches stopped but they seem to be creeping back and unfortunately they are worse than pre cancer migraines. I wake up with them and feel instantly sick sometimes I am actually physically sick.

A fragile existence.....

Since I last posted I have been for my 3 monthly appointment with my oncologist, and as a result I am to have a bone scan and a CT scan, the bone scan is scheduled for next monday and will take up most of the afternoon, the last one was back at the beginning of my dx, so I have been feeling fairly anxious about it. The main reason for the bone scan is because I have been experiencing a weird pain on my rib cage underneath my good left side breast, this has been worrying me and I have tried to ignore it and then realised that ignoring things is what got me into this mess in the first place. As soon as you think things are returning to normal up it pops, so I expect to be a little fragile for the next few weeks or at least until I have the results, of course I will keep posting and keep my blog up to date, but please excuse me for not feeling on top of the world.

The Heat is on...

The heat is on not just literally, spent most of today trying to avoid the heat it's bad enough with the perpetual hot flushes let alone with all this hot weather, although I prefer to have gorgeous sunny days as opposed to constant rain! One good thing about this hot weather is that I tend to get up earlier and start the day with a organic green juice, another good tip is to make smoothies these are seriously yum, yesterday I used a bag of pre bought frozen fruits, bio live yogurt, and lactose free semi-skimmed milk, today I used fresh pineapple and cantaloupe melon which I diced and put in the freezer, added the organic bio live yogurt and lactose free semi skimmed milk, totally tropical and brilliantly cooling, also really good for you and yummy!


On another note and in the spirit of not "bottling things up" (see post below 'better out than in...') or letting the proverbial heat get to me....here goes......you have been warned....


My main pain's are not with my own body although you would of thought that weight gain, hot flushes, having to be on treatment forever, constant fear of cancer returning was enough! No my main source of annoyance comes from people. Here's a list of my many people annoyances starting with the phrase people that....

• Avoid me (because they don't want to face up to my dx) this makes me feel like a leper! 
• Think that you can actually catch cancer, just to make sure and understand YOU CAN'T CATCH CANCER!
• Tell me not to talk about IT or tell anyone! (WHY? because they are scared it will happen to them! or that talking about it in someway is a self fore filling prophesy, if only it were that simple we'd all be cured!)
• Knowingly blow cigarette smoke in my face (can someone explain why you would do that to someone whom you know has lung mets!)
• Are totally insensitive/thoughtless (tell me that cancer is some sort of punishment from god, this was particularly rich considering the person concerned was an atheist also choose to tell me that little gem when I was first dx)
• Imply in some way that I was to blame for my dx (just for the record I AM NOT TOO BLAME)
• Tell me "you look really well" (this may be the case, I never looked ill before I got the dam disease and I still don't look ill now, that why its so fucking scary!)

Normal service will resume now I've got that load of shit literally off my chest. 
Thanks for listening x