Life after ovaries operation...

Its been around 3 weeks since my ovaries were removed and so far I've had 3 migraines (I was up to around 4 a week previously) which is absolutely amazing and something I didn't anticipate, I also didn't think the hot flushes would get any better but bizarrely they have improved drastically, I no longer have the pulsating red face when I get a hot flush, rather sweat for a couple of minutes which pours off of my face then it stops and for once in 6 years I actually feel the cold, went out to the annual fireworks show and was feeling the cold, I was over joyed by this other people looked at me in astonishment but to me it was a major breakthrough, finally I can wear my cardigans and leggings without stripping down to a thin sleeveless dress all the time.

I am healing well where the scars are and they are literally disappearing before my eyes the only downside is I've put on a couple of pounds, not a huge amount but a bit of a disappointment, however I'm not going to let this get me down and rejoice at the migraine and hot flush results. I can safely say I am now post-menopausal just waiting for all the nasty side effects to stop and the results so far are giving me a much needed boost that this can and will happen. All in all I am very pleased with these results and feel happy in myself.

My father is battling the effects of his 2nd stroke and after 4 months in hospital! he is now in his own room in a convalescence home which we hope and pray he will improve in the next month or so and then finally return home. Its been a long 4 months but strokes really do take a long time to recover from, I don't think you ever really return to your normal self, but thankfully due to my brothers quickness in getting an ambulance, we believe this has saved as much of him as possible. I pray everyday for him and love him very much.

Breakdown in the mall.....

Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in  the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be.  I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!

So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.