Quality over Quantity

Life fucking sucks!!!! the reason being as usual the incredibly annoying and fucking awful weight gain!! Before all this utter shit happened to me I was a size 8 happy go lucky, active woman happy in my own skin, not terribly attractive but passable human being, since cancer so much has changed mainly due to the appalling fucking weight gain its just never ending...... I feel like an alien in my own skin, I don't recognise the person in the mirror, I'd rather be on my own hide away from the world because I can't face the rest of human kind, I had and still have a lot of friends but I see there disbelief in there faces they just can't come to terms with the new fatter me!!! it blows me away it must be just as bad for them. I'm still Sarah, still me on the inside I try to make myself look better but I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and think who the fuck is that????!!!!!! I try not to look into any mirrors now its so depressing!!! god knows what my partner really thinks, he's tried to reassure me that he loves me no matter what I look like hence the reason everyone believes he's an angel which no doubt he probably is. I find the bigger I get the more invisible to others I seem to be. I get cut out of conversations people don't want to converse with me.

Food becomes a problem I don't want to eat in front of others I feel like I am being judged. Most people assume the weight is because I eat too much. In fact the weight is down to the fucking awful tablets and Zoladex injection that pile it on. I was never a shallow person or even that bothered about what I looked like before all of this happened to me admittedly I wasn't exactly a super model but I looked alright, now its utterly painful facing the truth that I look fat and ugly. Its harder in the summer everyone wears a lot less because of the heat, living by the coast I used to be one of those girls living in her shorts and vest top, swimming in the sea loving life by the sea. Now the nearest I get to swimming is paddling I don't want to get my horrible body out for all to gawp at nothing fits me I am getting so big even the massive wet suit doesn't fit anymore. I so wish I could go and swim in the sea and feel happy to do so. I was loosing the weight and lost a stone until my bloody periods came back then they at the hospital told me I need to shut my ovaries down as they were producing so much oestrogen so I've been on Zoladex injections this has the unwanted side effect of more weight gain. Everything that is related to oestrogen rich breast cancer gives you weight gain and I seem particularly susceptible to it. I am seriously thinking of stopping all the drugs including the Zoladex shots whats the point in living when you feel so utterly depressed. The question is am I ready for the ramifications of stopping the drugs?, have I reached my 'going to hit the fuck it button' yet? I am told by my Onc. and Dr's that going drug free might and most probably will kill me BUT anytime I had left would be happy and whose to say I wouldn't survive? I might be one of the lucky ones and live to tell the tale. The ultimate question is Quality over Quantity? something only I can answer. Love and light to you all xxx

Breakdown in the mall.....

Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in  the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be.  I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!

So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.