CT scan and Beliefs and Prayers.......

Its been a year since my last CT scan so I was due for one, arrived at the hospital early on Sunday morning (they are so busy they need to keep the scanner working 24 hours a day) waited for half an hour and then was taken by a very tall chinese doctor with an umbrella out to a mobile unit (I've never had this procedure done in a mobile unit before) it was raining and in spite of the umbrella we still got very wet, then what seemed like an age before they finally got the needle in and that familiar taste of metal and the feeling of wanting to pee came over me the actual scan only takes 10 mins at the most but its all the other stuff that takes so long. By the time we got home I was feeling sick and headachy so took some codeine and later due to that not working a sumatriptan. Now its back to the waiting game and my follow up appointment on the 4th of October.

I've done quite a lot of research on all things cancer and what you can do to help yourself but I'm feeling a bit out on a limb at the moment so decided to give Penny Brohn Centre a call and book up on a free Living Well Course, the centre is in Bristol and basically I would like to find out if I'm doing the right things ie: juicing and not eating dairy or meat and to speak with someone whose a proper trained nutritionist find out if I'm lacking in anything would be good apart from all of that its free and you stay at the centre overnight which is a beautiful old building on the outskirts of the city, I feel the need to meet up with others who are on a similar journey and more importantly who are actively helping themselves to thrive and survive.

 Its been really hard recently as 3 of the women from the chat group on FB have died two of which share the same name 'Sarah', I used to chat to both of these lovely ladies outside of the FB group and can't quite believe that they are gone, its knocked the wind out of me and I feel the need to distance myself further from all things breast cancer, I suppose what I'm saying is that trying to live with these constant deaths and upsets aren't really helping me stay positive. The women that have passed away I knew through the FB chat group and the BCC forum and as far as I know they didn't really try going down the holistic approach, I'm still juicing although not daily as I can't afford it, I do it  3 times a week and drink predominately green organic juice, also as far as I am aware I am the only one who goes to a spiritual healer and the bottom line is I'm the only one doing very well on this regime, obviously I do take Tamoxifen and have Herceptin but I also try all the alternatives when I can afford it and will actively follow the advice given by healers and practitioners. Some of the alternatives are free. I wish the others would give them a go, but you can't tell someone what to believe in, they have to find it for themselves. All I can do is pray for those still fighting and send some absent healing with love and light.

Natures Nudge.....

I was awoken this morning at stupid oclock (5am) to an ecstatically happy cat rubbing himself all over me, purring his head off all because..... because he was hungry, nope, because he wanted to go out yes in part but mainly because it was a new morning, a new day, and he was over joyed to be alive, he's given me a gentle nudge and reminded me that life is something to be rejoiced and revelled in. So this post is too thank my beautiful cat Ted whom I love with all my heart and who never ceases to amaze me. Bless you Ted and Mitzi I love you both.

Stretchy Ted xx

Devastated at the loss....

It is with a heavy heart that my post today is on the passing of two women who had been fighting so hard against this bloody awful disease. The first person was Lisa Lynch of http://alrighttit.blogspot.co.uk/2013_03_01_archive.html blog and the excellent book 'The C-Word' Lisa was so incredibly young dx at only 28 years old her blog and book helped me through my own initial shock and subsequent acceptance of the fact that I am now living with cancer. I didn't know Lisa personally but due to her brilliant witty writing style felt that I knew her as a close friend. The second lady was known on the forums as Alesta aka Laurie, again such amazing strength and the courage of a lion she was a true inspiration to all of us on the facebook chat group and on the BCC forum, Laurie told me about the BCC forum she sent me personal messages full of humour, advise and wisdom, she made me feel that I wasn't alone in dealing with all this cancer shit, I loved the fact that she swore her head off, and voiced her opinions, she was true to herself and in being so genuine helped others. Both of these women leave behind family and friends, both were too young. Its rained all day down here and the roads are starting too flood which is how I feel, I have cried a river over these deaths and others since I was dx it never gets any easier. RIP love and light xxx

Today I went for a MRI on my head too make sure that the searing migraines are not something more sinister, spent an hour in there listening to some bloody terrible loud banging noise as the machine scans my head, then another injection of something or other in my hand, poor hand, then more loud noise. Followed by some retail therapy in Primarni and a cuppa coffee with my best friend and then onto the lymphedema clinic for some MLD (manual lymphatic drainage). Feel exhausted and tired so early to bed or I might just camp out on the sofa and try to regain some kind of normal composure. xxx

God Bless us all.... Merry Christmas everyone......

Tis Christmas Eve and I have been reflecting on the past year, its up and downs and it many many phases of enlightenment. It all started off with a visit last Jan (after a radiotherapy session) to Buckfast Abbey and WoW what a beautiful serene place, I was moved to tears and found out that I am very sensitive to 'Thin Places' (see this link for any explanation http://survivingthebeastwithin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/early-bird-and-spiritual-enlightenment.html).

Aside from the spiritual visits to the 'Thin Places of Worship' I have been receiving spiritual healing once a week I feel sure this has made all the difference to my recovery and continued stable status, after the healing we (myself and a couple of other ladies) have formed a spiritualist group where we exchange a piece of jewellery and conduct mediumship readings for each other we have been doing this for the best part of a year so far and apparently I have been hitting the spiritual nail on the head in so far as readings are concerned, I sort of meditate and then write down whatever comes to mind, most of the time to me it appears to be a load of mumbo jumbo but when I tell the sitter the outcome they always seem relate to what I have said, so much so that recently I was asked to do a reading for someone outside of the group to which again I seem to be coming up with relevant and current topics for the sitter, it is with this in mind that I am now reflecting on whether or not to actually offer this as a service, its something worth thinking about and I must admit it does make me feel really good especially as I seem to have an affinity for this sort of thing. On the subject still I highly recommend that  anyone remotely interested in spiritualism to read this book 'The Boy Who Saw True' I have just finished reading it and its changed my outlook (the second book this year that has changed my outlook)  and made me think 'outside the box' its about a young boy who during his youth used to write a diary and in it mentioned the fact that he see's spirits or ghosts (he thinks everyone can see what he sees) its a truly fascinating book here's the link http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/707225.The_Boy_Who_Saw_True.

Sending you all peace love and light and wishing you all a very merry christmas
Love Sarah xxx

Living in the moment.....

"Living in the moment" this phrase is something people have told me and vica versa, so what does it really mean to live in the moment, 10 point guide to living in the moment.

1. Own your time. 

Know that every moment you spend doing anything is a choice. All of the “have-tos” and the “musts do” are because you choose what doing them will bring. Time is the only resource we can’t renew. Invest it in experiences, places, and people that are meaningful to you.

2. Decide and define what you want your moments to be about. 

Are you a learner? an explorer? a teacher? a risk taker? a rodeo clown? When you look back in the last moment of your life what sort of moments will you cherish most? Decide now to make more of them.

3. Don’t wait for the right moment to be alive. 

Stop yourself several times a day to look at the sky, to experience the environment you’re in, to hear your own thoughts as they move through your mind. Don’t wait for the someday to try something new.

4. Spend time with people who truly live the moments of their lives. 

We slowly become what we look at most. If we hang with the best role models, we can learn the pros.

5. Minimise the number and effect of negative moments in your life. 

Let go of anger and pain. Carrying around memories of bad times gets in the way of what we might be experiencing now.

6. Don’t invest in fights that you don’t need to win. 

Who has time to argue about silly things? Meet with your friends in the places where you build things, not in the places where things get torn down.

7. Make positive moments. Negative thoughts build fences and defenses. Positive people attract positive people who are doing positive things.

8. Know when you’re getting swept into the current and losing sight of the moments of your life.

 It will be a need to speed up. Then it will be some sort of stress. Stop to reflect on who you are, where you are, what you value, and how you want to live your life. Stretch.

9. Think of every moment as a chance to see more of yourself. 

Take small risks that push your ideas and ideals. Living is growing. Expand every moment into memory of a life.

10. Curate and protect with bold intention. 

Let the people and places you care about know that part of living your life is dedicated to them.

Taken from this blog http://www.successful-blog.com/1/10-ways-to-live-in-the-moment-every-moment-of-your-life/

A moment of clarity

Apologies to anyone who was offended by my last post but its true I really did need to get that off my chest and out into the open, now I can move on and have found that quite profound words are coming to me from out of the blue.

If you live like each day is your last you appreciate the tiny things in life so much more, if you were told that this day is your last would you choose to spend it cleaning out the closet? or would you choose to spend it with friends family? what is important to you? how would you choose to spend the last day of your life? This is the question I am faced with at the start of every day, and it is the difference between living with cancer and living without cancer, there can be no off days, no lazy days, no wasteful days, everything has purpose and meaning even the mundane has a relevance.

I am living with cancer therefore I am living without the luxury of ignorance or complacency, the daily struggles that everyone takes for granted are no longer presented as an annoyance they are challenges, obstacles to be approached with courage and an open mind. My life before cancer was like walking around with your eyes shut, I feel like I have woken up, I am aware, my intelligence, my soul, and my heart are revived I am seeing with fresh eyes and feeling with new emotions. I believe we all with cancer or without need to ponder our existence, stop taking life for granted, people need to experience life as though they were children once again, what advice would you give to your child like self?

Better out than in.....

A quick up date on how things are going, well the bites have disappeared thankfully just as the sun decides to make an appearance finally!!!!! The statement "it never rains and then it pours" is literally what we have been experiencing in the uk, fingers and toes crossed this weather will hold out for what is left of our pathetic summer!


The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.


Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.


Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit,  the bottom line is it could save my life.

Butterflies and Rainbows

Last year whilst still going for chemo at the hospital I noticed on the drive up to the hospital nearly every time a rainbow in the sky, I also painted a picture of a rainbow over a stormy sea with one sailing boat in it please see below, another oddity was I found myself thinking about butterflies I even dreamed about them, whilst reading Bernie Seigels book Love Medicine and Miracles he mentions both rainbow's and butterflies in the same sentence, here's the symbolism attached to them:


Rainbows are a sign of hope
Butterflies are a sign of regeneration/transformation

It wasn't until I read that book and now realise the message being conveyed to me, the rainbows in the sky were trying to show me that if I had nothing else I had hope and the butterflies were pointing towards changing my life regenerating and transforming into the butterfly I truly am inside.


This picture means so much too me it was the only painting I did last year whilst going through the hell that is chemo and this is how I can now interpret it, the sea and sky is moody and fierce signifying the cancer, I myself am symbolised by the lone sailing boat struggling in the stormy sea, the rainbow offers me a strong message of hope that I will get through this and come out the other side and to date that is what I have done, weathered the storm and returned somewhat changed but ultimately triumphant. I really needed to write this down and remember it because somewhere inside me, something is telling me its very important.


Sending you all rainbows and butterflies
Love and light
sarahx

Hope to heal

I've found these films on cancer and present quite a case see what you think:

http://youtu.be/GXg0D9jBsCM

This one is by Bernie Siegel the writer of Love, Medicine and Miracles worth a watch:

http://youtu.be/GXg0D9jBsCM