The things people say......urghhhhhhh

So first to update you all I'm going back to see GP and getting re-tested for the thyroid again, I've already been tested twice the first time there was a problem with my thyroid and the second time 3 months later I tested normal. I have been experiencing extreme fatigue as well as a horse sounding voice, constant weight gain again!!!!, blurred vision etc etc etc bottom line its my bloody thyroid I know it is I'm 100% positive it is the thyroid playing up maybe its out of balance but it needs looking into further as the debilitating fatigue (I kid you not I couldn't even get out of bed) has to be addressed. The earliest appointment I could get is next week so I will keep you posted of the outcome.

Getting back to the latest gripe and the title of this post.....the things people say! Yes again other people being totally out of order the latest being a mate who has said a lot of nice things to me for example on the subject of my 5 stone weight gain and looking different told me that "I don't care what you look like as long as your here" and "we love you regardless" in the next breath whilst discussing the world population explosion and associated problems decided to announce that if she had been diagnosed with cancer she wouldn't have chemo, surgery or radiotherapy all this does is keep those of us affected by cancer alive and kicking and we are costing the country millions keeping us alive!!!!! FUCKING WOW! what a thing to say to someone you know has secondary breast cancer and after all the wonderful things she has said, it begs belief doesn't it? I was flabbergasted to say the least, I decided to respond with you "you don't know how strong the survival instinct is until your in the dammed situation" I mean its easy to say I wouldn't do chemo but faced with life or death situation your natural instinct is to survive you go into it looking into every possible option and I do hate this word but you fucking fight. Its the same for any living thing on this planet faced with impeding death you fight. No matter how small or how large the creature your instinct is to survive and fight whether that involves taking chemo or having surgery and radiotherapy your trying to survive and live. I defy anyone to say otherwise. My cat brings home small rodents sometimes they are still alive, they fight to the bitter end, they don't give up there instinct is to live. Phew....... end of rant sorry but that really really pissed me off for so many reasons.

Thyroid.......that old chestnut!

Can't believe I'm back in this spot again...... the dammed thyroid conversation......... Last year it was suggested to me that my thyroid might be playing up so I went for the test with my GP, this first test did show a problem with my thyroid being very sluggish but the protocol for these tests is you have one test and re-test 3 months later, so this we did and the second test turned out normal. Due to this my GP told me they wouldn't be putting me on thyroid medication as the tests weren't consistent. At this point I dropped it and tried to move on although I still suffered with symptoms associated with an under active thyroid.

Fast forward to last week, I'd been experiencing bad fatigue and when I say bad I mean it! Everyday waking up late and exhausted, some days not being able to climb out of bed or just about drag myself to the sofa where I slept for hours during the day!!! Obviously this was becoming a problem so I phoned my breast cancer nurse and told her about it, I even suggested maybe it was the Herceptin, she didn't agree that it was Herceptin but told me it was a sign of under active thyroid....... here we go again!!!! and as I'm still putting on weight she reckons its a sign of an out of balance thyroid and told me to go back to my GP. So there it is, what to do? going back to my GP and being re-tested, I'm currently not feeling fatigued this week but think when I am fatigued they should conduct the test, I think its up and down with the thyroid which is why we can't seem to get to the bottom of it. Prior to all this cancer shit I didn't have anything wrong with any of my bodily functions including my thyroid.

So want this to get sorted out its starting to really get on my nerves.

Update on Tricky times

I'll get straight into it, my dad hasn't got lung cancer, thank fuck for that eh! The CT scan he had didn't show anything sinister so all is good there. His stroke recovery is very very slow and he still has good and very bad days but he is making some improvement on the mobility front which is good. I spoke with him on the phone and he sounded a bit confused he was like this in hospital so hopefully its just a blip and he will resume normal conversation soon. My mum has also had scans as she has one leg bigger than the other so waiting for results of that although she isn't in any pain its just cosmetic at the moment.

Im doing ok, still getting migraines and strange swellings but other than that alright. Still very upset about supposed friendship but gradually getting over that and happy to just stay incognito at the moment, don't want to discuss anything with her or him am happily getting on with my life, moving on and enjoying the ride.

Tricky Times

Its been ages since I last wrote a post so I thought I'd better bring you all up to date. My father had a stroke earlier on this year and after nearly 8 weeks in hospital he was released, unfortunately they released him way to early, he wasn't ready to come home and the house wasn't ready for a severely disabled person. So after a lot of phone calls and a couple of weeks spent at my mum and dads house we finally have managed to get nursing care for 4 weeks after which they will review and see if he needs any further care. I don't want to go into it on here but its been a nightmare! not just watching my dad struggle around the house with the stairs but also with all the red tape to go through just to get some help. It was made all the worse when my mum went down with flu which she then passed on to dad who already had pneumonia earlier on in the year all this put his recovery back to being bed ridden and so I was asked to come up and care for a fortnight, this I did, but I'm physically not able to lift him etc so was relieved when the nursing care finally was sorted. Worryingly my father was referred to the lung cancer department and was supposed to go for a CT scan earlier on in the year after his bout of pneumonia, due to the stroke this got left by the wayside and forgotten about, however today he faces a CT scan to check out that earlier niggle. Stressed out or what.......

As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.

Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!