As you can see from my last post I am very depressed at the moment and to some extent think its because I'm not producing any paintings anymore (not the designs of the last post), I really don't want cancer to stop me from being creative but don't feel like creating ever since I got dx, why?? I am perplexed by this and don't believe its just me as other creative types with breast cancer are also complaining about not feeling the urge. I suppose I put art up on a pedestal and for the last 20 years it has been my everything, thinking about it I feel that maybe a part of me is blaming art/design for my getting cancer, I was really stressed out before dx, it's really hard trying to make a living from your art, some months you make no money at all and then maybe over night your make a small fortune, and then sometimes big companies rip you off (see previous post) it certainly is not for the faint hearted.
My OH (other half) has gone visiting his family this afternoon which is a good thing, he's not seen them for a while and I think we both need a break from each other, this is not too say that I don't love him any less but I think he would agree we need some time to ourselves. When I was first dx I hated being on my own I was so very lonely I still suffer with loneliness but its of the inward variety, the sort that only others experiencing breast cancer and all its associated problems will understand, most of the time I feel like an alien inside my own body this is because since being dx I have put on nearly 2 stone in weight for the first time in my life before I was always a stable size 8-10 now I can range anything from sizes 12 -14 I am not used to my body hence the recent injury this could also be attributed to chemo brain which I am suffering from, your brain just does not function like it did before chemo its sort of like living in a constant fog its a phenomena known by the phrase 'chemo brain'.
Just had a stroll around the field at the back of the flats, its beautiful even on a wintery day like today I can hear some dogs barking in the distance and the sound of the huntsman's gun the poor pheasants don't stand a chance. The perk of living in the countryside is being so close to nature but the downside is the country people who I have too say are not that friendly and their ways, they just love to hunt and kill this is nothing new they have hunted with dogs and guns for a very long time but I suppose I am waring of the seasonal slaughter also find them so rude and very hard to get to know, some of them can be so aloof and unfortunately very stuck up, we have lived here for over 8 years and we hardly know anyone around here. It is for this reason as well as others that we have decided to look for somewhere else to live preferably a little nearer civilisation but sill on the outskirts of a good city. So far living here has not brought us any luck or happiness I feel maybe I need to move on to fresh pastures somewhere we can flourish and I can learn to adjust to a new me. This place with all its beauty is now tainted for me and only serves as a constant reminder of the recent past and my terrible dx.
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Friday, 16 November 2012
Black Friday.......Cant keep it in.....
MEGA WARNING AND ADVANCE APOLOGIES TO ALL THOSE SENSITIVE SOULS OR THE OVERLY POSITIVE READERS OF THIS BLOG SEVERE SWEARING AND MASSIVE NEGATIVITY IN THIS NEXT POST IN THE WORDS OF CAT STEVENS "I CANT KEEP IT IN, I GOTTA LET IT OUT.....
So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx
So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx
Thursday, 15 November 2012
A moral tale from the well...........
Here's a short story that resonates with me on so many levels, I love it. Enjoy.xx
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.
Two falls and a massive bruise.....
Hello all in blogger land,
I'm still waiting for results of my recent scans and have an appointment booked for early December which does seem like a long way off but I am not unduly worried about it and have managed for the first time to put it to the back of my mind.
Anyway I have other pressing worries on my mind at the moment, the first being the fact that I keep falling over!!! what the hell is the matter with me?? I'm wondering whether its all the weight I've put on over the past 6 months and the fact that I was always a size 8 before all of this cancer shit happened to me, the chemo and steroids started the weight gain and I think the tamoxifen is now adding to it, I've gone from a healthy 9st to nearly 11st totally scary!!! I'm not used to being this size and feel a bit like an alien in my own body! The first fall was in a shop (embarrassing) down the stairs and a literally went flying but apart from my pride nothing else was broken or hurt. The second fall was last night in my studio where I tripped up over my old easel and landed on one of the nuts/bolts on my right hand side buttock it really hurt and I woke up at 5am today with a painful throb! On closer inspection the grazed skin now looks like I've had a mastectomy on it!! The bruise is massive and extends down my leg I'm really pissed with myself because I am going to a Craft Fair today (birthday pressie from BF includes cream tea) and can't walk as I now have a limp so might have to get out an old granny stick (crazy at my age 45). You have too laugh tho, I'm sat with the affected buttock raised as I can't really sit on it lol. I'm thinking that I will phone up the Dr's surgery and get an early appointment just so they can check it out and make sure it's not infected or anything, it really is quite alarmingly looking. Falling over is scary the last time I did anything like was when I was a kid, you just can't quite believe your on the floor its a shock!
I'm still waiting for results of my recent scans and have an appointment booked for early December which does seem like a long way off but I am not unduly worried about it and have managed for the first time to put it to the back of my mind.
Anyway I have other pressing worries on my mind at the moment, the first being the fact that I keep falling over!!! what the hell is the matter with me?? I'm wondering whether its all the weight I've put on over the past 6 months and the fact that I was always a size 8 before all of this cancer shit happened to me, the chemo and steroids started the weight gain and I think the tamoxifen is now adding to it, I've gone from a healthy 9st to nearly 11st totally scary!!! I'm not used to being this size and feel a bit like an alien in my own body! The first fall was in a shop (embarrassing) down the stairs and a literally went flying but apart from my pride nothing else was broken or hurt. The second fall was last night in my studio where I tripped up over my old easel and landed on one of the nuts/bolts on my right hand side buttock it really hurt and I woke up at 5am today with a painful throb! On closer inspection the grazed skin now looks like I've had a mastectomy on it!! The bruise is massive and extends down my leg I'm really pissed with myself because I am going to a Craft Fair today (birthday pressie from BF includes cream tea) and can't walk as I now have a limp so might have to get out an old granny stick (crazy at my age 45). You have too laugh tho, I'm sat with the affected buttock raised as I can't really sit on it lol. I'm thinking that I will phone up the Dr's surgery and get an early appointment just so they can check it out and make sure it's not infected or anything, it really is quite alarmingly looking. Falling over is scary the last time I did anything like was when I was a kid, you just can't quite believe your on the floor its a shock!
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