Ovaries v Zoladex

On Friday I had an appointment at the hospital in a new department the Gynaecology dept. it was my first consultation on the possible removal of my ovaries and apparently tubes. I've been on Zoladex which is a 3 monthly injection with the largest needle possible of an implant through the stomach to shut down my ovaries, this works very well and apart from the very unpleasant brace yourself injection, nothing else bothered me (or so I thought), every time I go for the injection I become anxious and experience a panic attack, so afterwards I feel extremely fraught and fragile.

The consultant I saw was a very pleasant man although have too say why are gynaecologist's always men? I would of rather of seen a female. Back to the story..... he explained to me that Zoladex shuts my ovaries down and that taking my ovaries and tubes out would basically remove the need for this unpleasant injection, also he mentioned that some women experience very depressed feelings and this explains that whilst I am on anti-depressants for the hot flushes I still experience extremely depressed moods and thought I was going crackers but clearly I'm not! I realise it's the Zoladex. We discussed the possible repercussions of having both ovaries out to which he seemed to think I would feel no different than what I do presently as the Zoladex had officially closed my ovaries down. So I am now waiting for another appointment in 3 months time, in the meantime I need to decide if I definitely want to have the operation, get a smear test yuk, and a Braca's gene test, I don't think I've had this test done so far and apparently if confirmed positive would increase the possibility of developing a womb cancer and of course increasing the possibility of breast cancer returning.

So what to do....... I thought I was sure about this but now feel a bit weirded out by it, will keep you all informed of my decision in the meantime if anybody reading this can advise I would be most appreciative, just leave a comment thanks xxxx

New year fresh start

Hi all and welcome to the new me. I'm starting this year by clearing out the clutter not just on a physical level but emotionally and spiritual. This is something I've needed to do for a very long time and for whatever reason I've avoided doing it.

Dealing with the physical clutter was easy, a couple of trips to the refuse tip and we were rid of unwanted junk lying around and now have a clear attic. My partners garage is the only space that hasn't been sorted but that's his domain!

Whilst going through my stuff I came across this piece of wood, a relic from the month I was dx back in Feb 2011, just before my cancer journey I'd gone out collecting wood (we have a wood burner our only source of heat) whilst collecting I came across this unusual piece of wood which looked like a knot instead of burning it I distinctly remember placing it on my fire mantel and staring at it, after being dx I got the erie realisation that this piece of wood not only resembled a knot but also looked like the breast cancer logo ribbon and I had been looking at this for weeks prior to my dx, I took this as a sign from spirit and have held onto it all these years I feel I no longer need this object in my life it has served it's purpose in reminding me that there are signs everywhere if we care to look, so this week I placed it on the fire.

Whilst physical stuff is easy to get rid of the emotional baggage is very difficult, we all carry some emotional burden whether its from the past or the present it represents all we have been through or are going through emotionally, it helps us to acknowledge it, learn from it and move on.

Unfortunately some of emotions can fester in our brains pulling us down, going round and round in circles until we are confused and depressed. Most of my emotional baggage has an attachment to a person or persons or a situation that has proved distressing. Every time I speak to or see these people the unpleasant feelings and emotional stress regurgitates, forgiveness is always an option and some may argue the only option, but I don't think its all about forgiving, I've already forgiven but just can't forget. Most arguments have a point where confrontation occurs this has already happened but when the other person can't see where they have gone wrong or can't acknowledge that they have made a mistake then apologies aren't forth coming, to put it bluntly I need that apology to make sense of what has happened, then we can all move forward. The apology is not forth coming, the lying that has occurred still haunts and upsets me, the only way forward is to cleanse my life of these toxic people and move on to pastures new. I am afraid if I don't do this I might get ill again.

With all of this in mind I intend to keep those that are at the centre at arms length and put some distance between us. I've found this to be a great help so far and intend to continue along this route, when all else fails this is the only choice. I've realised this is good for me and have been through the upsetting phase of anger, upset, tears, confusion,  these feelings have subsided and I hold no grudges against any of those involved, I just want some closure, writing this out has helped me put things into perspective and I forgive them.

I can now say Happy New Year and mean it from my heart, I've poured my heart out in this post and I needed to, carrying all this around has been torturous, I feel like I have cleansed my heart and soul.

Results update........

So after many phone calls, and discussions with the herceptin nurse I finally 12 weeks later get my results of the latest CT scan phew.......... its ok all is the same as before stable. It was my lovely herceptin nurse that actually pushed hard at the hospital and phoned me with results, something she shouldn't have to do, but she did, above and beyond the call of duty, bless her. What would I have done without her?

Not feeling like chatting much at the moment can't be depressed because I'm on anti-depressants! but certainly feel a bit depressed, crazy shit!

I've got a few more appointments, follow up check up, and a echo scan then thats it for the year.

Just want to get this year over and done with, its been a bugger of a year in more ways than one, many things happening that are utter shit, need a fresh start and a new year.

So I'm gonna sign off this year and say Happy Xmas and a Happy New Year to you all, speak to you next year with a more up beat me.

RIP Dr Stephen Kelly

It is with a heavy heart that I can now report that my consultant Dr Stephen Kelly passed away last week. I found out by chance as I phoned his secretary to ask why I hadn't received a letter telling me when to come in for my CT scan results, it's been 8 weeks! This has happened before so I didn't think much of it and presumed my results were probably OK, but the real reason is because Dr Kelly had passed away and thrown the whole of oncology into turmoil. There were rumours and whispers of liver cancer but I thought he'd beaten it, apparently he had not. It doesn't seem right that someone devoted to treating patients of cancer should fall foul of the very same thing. I am in total shock and feel floored by this sad news. Now more than ever I need to move my care to a new hospital with a new Consultant. The other Dr's at my hospital do not inspire any great confidence and I've not really had very good experiences with them. Dr Kelly was by far the best if not at the hospital then defiantly in my area.

Absolutely gutted.