Anti-depressant UPDATE

Ok its been a week since I started taking the anti-depressant Citrolapam and so far so good, the hot flushes are more severe when they do occur BUT they aren't as frequent as they were before and are seemingly becoming less so YAY to that, people seem to think that a hot flush is an innocent problem that can be tolerated I beg to differ on that hot flushes when extreme are embarrassing making you red in the face, the heat in your face and head makes you feel physically sick to the point on occasion where I have actually thrown up! So innocent is not a word I would use to describe them, it actually feels like your burning in the depths of hell, its quite simply put horrendous I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Of course most woman who go through the normal menopause wont suffer this extreme kind which were brought on by chemo and perpetuated by the massive drugs I am on to block estrogen. I hope that with time they will completely disappear and leave me the fuck alone! I've also noticed that my appetite is diminishing another YAY to that lets hope that I get to lose some of this god awful weight gain and start to look like me again. The only downside to this drug I've encountered so far is that I'm not sleeping as well as I did I am hoping this will go away as time goes on. Knackered is an understatement.

Oh and joy of joys I'm due another Zoladex implant my my how time flies 3 months have just flicked by!

The Outside turned in....

I wanted to vent my feelings and thoughts on the outside world. The outside world has become increasingly on my mind, watching the news, the news flashes on facebook, the terrible state of the world. Our planet is visibly changing, the climate is weird, animals and humans are both affected. Most recently we've had beached sperm whales, why???? these magnificent creatures die horrible deaths where they seem to be starving and they wash up on our beaches a complete mystery. Its worrying. The winter isn't winter anymore its warm its confusing for the birds and animals they don't know whats going on, neither do we. So thats just our planet and environment.

How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.

As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.

If you can't take the heat.........

Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....

A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!

Cancer is fucking bollox.

Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!

Blamers and Shamers

Another fabulous animation from Brené Brown explaining the truth about BLAME.

and interview with Oprah explaining the 6 worst people to share your SHAME with.