Bra-less

This is the first time I've shared my remaining massive boob problem. So I've gone from a size 32aa to a 42c its crackers and its taken me time to adjust to the massive boob but Im sick of it, its a constant reminder that Im ill or have been very ill, it hangs there useless and big and shouts out big boob with a problem to all that manage to chance a look. My main problem is I can't wear a bra it hurts me so much, I've worked out that when they took the lymph nodes out they must of taken some out of the torso of my body because I don't get lymphedema in the usual place ie: my arm its on the side of my body where the bra strap crosses, I kid you not it bloody kills if I put a bra on, I wore a bra to a wedding and after an hour wearing it I had to take it off in the loo's as it was killing me. So this leaves me bra less the majority of the time and having to wear things that cover up constantly. Obviously this is having a knock on effect and doesn't help my self confidence at all, the big boob is getting bigger and more droopy and I feel ugly and shit. I wished they'd of taken both the boobs at the same time at least I would be balanced, but they refused saying "I never operate on a healthy breast" uh I have secondary breast cancer both of them are pretty unhealthy. So I've phoned breast care nurse and mentioned this problem to her, she didn't realise this was the reason why I don't wear a bra and sympathised with me but told me this posed a problem that she didn't know the answer to so I'm waiting to hear what she comes up with, she did mention about reconstruction, something I decided against when I had the mastectomy but this might help my current bra less situation, I don't know but will keep you all posted.

Decisions, decisions.......shitty decisions

Just received my letter telling me to come for a consultation with my gynaecologist in relation to my decision about whether or not to an Oophorectomy.

I don't know why I am feeling odd about this, I suppose its easier discussing this than it actually becoming a reality. It feels like the end of my life as a woman. Its ridiculous really I wanted this to happen, I've actively been chasing this operation and the rational side of me is saying "this makes sense, get the bloody useless things removed"BUT. I didn't feel this way about having my breast removed it didn't bother me in the same way, I was practically joyous about having a mastectomy but then it was more black and white, get rid of it, no more cancer etc. This however is totally different. I know my ovaries are being shut down every 3 months with a massive injection that I hate, I know I am in menopause and that the chance of ever having children is over, its so stupid I know all of these facts but still feel weird about having the operation done. The appointment is on the 14th and I know I have to have this done, its a no brainer, children aren't an option and I'm sick of the Zoladex.

I guess the answer is yes just needed to sound off a bit and get it all out.
Thanks for being here.

Epiphany and an annoyance

We will start with an epiphany so whilst reading the Guardian today I chanced across an interview with Nick Cave the rather dark/goth musician of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. The interview was about his forth coming new album but also his life and more importantly his coping strategies in the aftermath of his 15 year old son's death from using LSD, he fell from the cliffs in Brighton. Very very sad untimely early death of someone so young, must of been appalling for Nick and his family. During the interview he talked about what it's like to face such immense grief and being a creative here's what he said and I quote:

 "like there's this thing and there's no way to navigate it, it just sits there and fills up all the space, it fills your body, it's like a physical thing. You can feel it pressing against the insides of your fingers. There's just no room for the luxury of creation".

It struck me that I could relate to this from my own personal trauma with cancer whilst also being artistic, I've found painting to be difficult since this cancer shit storm started, I can't seem to get my head round it, nothing seems to matter, things I used to value aren't so important, life is lived day by day, I still cannot plan ahead or find this a difficult task, ultimately I need to get my creative mojo back, but how? Sometimes I think we just have to embrace all of what life throws at us including the confusion, the lack of self esteem or enthusiasm, we literally have to go with the flow ride out the storm in the hope of calm waters on the other side, we have to let go, what will be will be in the words of Paul Mcartney 'let it be'. In the meantime I am praying the passion I once had for my art returns and gives me back my life force.

Now for the annoyance. I'm a very forgiving individual and after a fairly rough ride over the past 2 years and a huge disappointment relating to a 'friend' I decided to let bygones be bygones and move on, she extended the olive branch and I decided to give it a go, nothing was mentioned of the recent past dispute we just acted as if nothing had happened, however since then something else has come to light which confirms my opinion of her as not trustworthy and sneaky so back to not wanting that person in my life again, it's a minor set back and in the whole scheme of things I've a lot more to be worried about, but needed to air this get it off my chest. Thanks for being here xx

Scanxiety.......

Yep, its that time again, just had a CT scan this time with contrast. Over the past year they couldn't get a cannula into my veins so I couldn't have the scan with contrast which provides a better all round picture, this time however I went to oncology where the experienced chemo nurses were able to get a cannula in and I had the CT with contrast. This has thrown me into a an anxious, worried person whose not feeling up to much at the moment, praying the results are all good or at the very least stable and so this joyless, shitty ride continues...........

I've said it before and I'll say it again FUCKING CANCER.....

In other news, my father has had yet another stroke this time affecting his lefthand side almost a year to the day of the last one. Feel so much for the poor old fella, he's hanging on in there by the skin of his teeth, he can't swallow so is now on a peg for nutrition, water and medication, his memory is shaky sometimes he's with us and sometimes he's most definitely not, so upsetting. He's been in hospital for a month now and isn't likely to come out anytime soon, so I've been staying at my folks house supporting my brother and mum although I'm home at the moment because I need my own bed once in a while and of course I had hospital appointments. I am being kept up to date of his progress and will be going up again soon to stay and visit.

Spring has arrived and is utterly gorgeous as per usual, feel so grateful to still be around appreciating natures awesome beauty although it is somewhat tainted with the current state of affairs.