Dealing with the physical clutter was easy, a couple of trips to the refuse tip and we were rid of unwanted junk lying around and now have a clear attic. My partners garage is the only space that hasn't been sorted but that's his domain!
Whilst going through my stuff I came across this piece of wood, a relic from the month I was dx back in Feb 2011, just before my cancer journey I'd gone out collecting wood (we have a wood burner our only source of heat) whilst collecting I came across this unusual piece of wood which looked like a knot instead of burning it I distinctly remember placing it on my fire mantel and staring at it, after being dx I got the erie realisation that this piece of wood not only resembled a knot but also looked like the breast cancer logo ribbon and I had been looking at this for weeks prior to my dx, I took this as a sign from spirit and have held onto it all these years I feel I no longer need this object in my life it has served it's purpose in reminding me that there are signs everywhere if we care to look, so this week I placed it on the fire.
Whilst physical stuff is easy to get rid of the emotional baggage is very difficult, we all carry some emotional burden whether its from the past or the present it represents all we have been through or are going through emotionally, it helps us to acknowledge it, learn from it and move on.
Unfortunately some of emotions can fester in our brains pulling us down, going round and round in circles until we are confused and depressed. Most of my emotional baggage has an attachment to a person or persons or a situation that has proved distressing. Every time I speak to or see these people the unpleasant feelings and emotional stress regurgitates, forgiveness is always an option and some may argue the only option, but I don't think its all about forgiving, I've already forgiven but just can't forget. Most arguments have a point where confrontation occurs this has already happened but when the other person can't see where they have gone wrong or can't acknowledge that they have made a mistake then apologies aren't forth coming, to put it bluntly I need that apology to make sense of what has happened, then we can all move forward. The apology is not forth coming, the lying that has occurred still haunts and upsets me, the only way forward is to cleanse my life of these toxic people and move on to pastures new. I am afraid if I don't do this I might get ill again.
With all of this in mind I intend to keep those that are at the centre at arms length and put some distance between us. I've found this to be a great help so far and intend to continue along this route, when all else fails this is the only choice. I've realised this is good for me and have been through the upsetting phase of anger, upset, tears, confusion, these feelings have subsided and I hold no grudges against any of those involved, I just want some closure, writing this out has helped me put things into perspective and I forgive them.
I can now say Happy New Year and mean it from my heart, I've poured my heart out in this post and I needed to, carrying all this around has been torturous, I feel like I have cleansed my heart and soul.
