Blood tests, scans and anxiety....

Last friday I had my 3 monthly CT scan I'm waiting for results and as is the normal for my hospital it could be some time anything up to 8 weeks (I'm not kidding!!!!). On Tuesday I had my 3 weekly Herceptin shot in the leg which has left a big black bruise and tomorrow I go in for a blood test to verify the status of my thyroid and also to check my blood sugar levels straight after that I go onto the hospital for a heart scan (Herceptin affects your heart) so its been a week of scans, tests and anxiety. I always feel anxious waiting for results which is understandable but its also the anticipation of having to have a cannula put into one of my poor collapsed veins it stress me out no end, they never get it right or listen to me when I tell them don't try that hand etc so subsequently they try 3 times and then hand over to a doctor who invariably looks about 10!! who tells me not to worry it wont hurt and he'll/she'll find one and hey presto it always does bloody well hurt and they have a good poke around to try and find it. WHY DON'T THEY JUST USE MY FOOT urghhhhhhh...... its so fucking annoying.

What a grey day......

Should of known that today was going to be a shit day it started off being overcast bleached white sky and misty so bad you couldn't see across to the other side of the road!!!! This turned out to be a precursor to a shit day.

To start with I was looking for my smokey quartz pendant that my parents bought me for my last birthday and its still missing and I think after turning the whole bloody house upside down it is gone for good. Fuck. It was particularly special to me as it was a large smokey quartz pendant used to dispel any radioactive material from my body I always felt safe when wearing it especially if I was going for a CT scan (which I did last Friday) where they use radioactive dye or any other nuclear substance for that matter. I am so utterly gutted. I even looked in our rubbish bags thats how desperate I am.

We popped to my GP's because I wanted to be tested for thyroid problems GP also wants to check for blood sugar and blood pressure I also mentioned about the Saturday meltdown in Totnes so she's decided I need to see a counsellor she also asked why I hadn't seen one before now which I explained that at the time of my dx my then neighbour who was a cancer counsellor at my local Macmillan centre lost her sister to breast cancer that had spread onto her brain all within the same week that I was dx so it didn't seem appropriate at the time and I also didn't want to see someone who knew me. So, friday I am going for various blood tests and possibly an appointment with a counsellor.

Then the shittiness moved on to our new old car the cam belt is broken and now the water pump is being replaced, my partner always fixes things on our old bangers because we can't afford to take it into a proper garage, to be fair to Lee he always fixes it bless him, but its taken all day and he's missed a day off work he'll also miss tomorrow as well because he has to take me to the dammed hospital for my Herceptin shot urghhhhhhh......

All in all a totally shit day full of shitty things. Life still very sucky!!!!

Hypothyroidism and Breast Cancer

A quick post first of all today I've just come across the connection between breast cancer and underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). It would seem many women are suffering with side effects from having this problem with there thyroid. Of course again our dr's and onc's don't agree that it is caused by breast cancer treatments BUT and it seems to be associated and is happening. Here's a list of some of the symptoms of an underactive thyroid gland:

Weight gain (urghhhhhhh the bain of my fucking life)

Extreme tiredness

Being sensitive to the cold

Depression (another urghhhhhhh had meltdown whilst out in Totnes thought I was having a nervous breakdown!)

Dry skin and hair

Muscle aches

Blurred Vision

and they go on and on and on!!!!! I'm not kidding see this page for the full symptom rundown its excessive to say the least!

http://www.thyroiduk.org.uk/tuk/about_the_thyroid/hypothyroidism_signs_symptoms.html

and this article say's quite a lot about the connection to breast cancer.

http://www.dslrf.org/breastcancer/content.asp?CATID=37&L2=5&L3=6&L4=0&PID=&sid=132&cid=624

So you've guessed it I'm going to the Dr's to be tested for this as so far I tick all the boxes. If it is an underactive thyroid then they will put me on Levothyroxine hormone tablets to raise the thyroxine levels.

Quality over Quantity

Life fucking sucks!!!! the reason being as usual the incredibly annoying and fucking awful weight gain!! Before all this utter shit happened to me I was a size 8 happy go lucky, active woman happy in my own skin, not terribly attractive but passable human being, since cancer so much has changed mainly due to the appalling fucking weight gain its just never ending...... I feel like an alien in my own skin, I don't recognise the person in the mirror, I'd rather be on my own hide away from the world because I can't face the rest of human kind, I had and still have a lot of friends but I see there disbelief in there faces they just can't come to terms with the new fatter me!!! it blows me away it must be just as bad for them. I'm still Sarah, still me on the inside I try to make myself look better but I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and think who the fuck is that????!!!!!! I try not to look into any mirrors now its so depressing!!! god knows what my partner really thinks, he's tried to reassure me that he loves me no matter what I look like hence the reason everyone believes he's an angel which no doubt he probably is. I find the bigger I get the more invisible to others I seem to be. I get cut out of conversations people don't want to converse with me.

Food becomes a problem I don't want to eat in front of others I feel like I am being judged. Most people assume the weight is because I eat too much. In fact the weight is down to the fucking awful tablets and Zoladex injection that pile it on. I was never a shallow person or even that bothered about what I looked like before all of this happened to me admittedly I wasn't exactly a super model but I looked alright, now its utterly painful facing the truth that I look fat and ugly. Its harder in the summer everyone wears a lot less because of the heat, living by the coast I used to be one of those girls living in her shorts and vest top, swimming in the sea loving life by the sea. Now the nearest I get to swimming is paddling I don't want to get my horrible body out for all to gawp at nothing fits me I am getting so big even the massive wet suit doesn't fit anymore. I so wish I could go and swim in the sea and feel happy to do so. I was loosing the weight and lost a stone until my bloody periods came back then they at the hospital told me I need to shut my ovaries down as they were producing so much oestrogen so I've been on Zoladex injections this has the unwanted side effect of more weight gain. Everything that is related to oestrogen rich breast cancer gives you weight gain and I seem particularly susceptible to it. I am seriously thinking of stopping all the drugs including the Zoladex shots whats the point in living when you feel so utterly depressed. The question is am I ready for the ramifications of stopping the drugs?, have I reached my 'going to hit the fuck it button' yet? I am told by my Onc. and Dr's that going drug free might and most probably will kill me BUT anytime I had left would be happy and whose to say I wouldn't survive? I might be one of the lucky ones and live to tell the tale. The ultimate question is Quality over Quantity? something only I can answer. Love and light to you all xxx