Ok its been a week since I started taking the anti-depressant Citrolapam and so far so good, the hot flushes are more severe when they do occur BUT they aren't as frequent as they were before and are seemingly becoming less so YAY to that, people seem to think that a hot flush is an innocent problem that can be tolerated I beg to differ on that hot flushes when extreme are embarrassing making you red in the face, the heat in your face and head makes you feel physically sick to the point on occasion where I have actually thrown up! So innocent is not a word I would use to describe them, it actually feels like your burning in the depths of hell, its quite simply put horrendous I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Of course most woman who go through the normal menopause wont suffer this extreme kind which were brought on by chemo and perpetuated by the massive drugs I am on to block estrogen. I hope that with time they will completely disappear and leave me the fuck alone! I've also noticed that my appetite is diminishing another YAY to that lets hope that I get to lose some of this god awful weight gain and start to look like me again. The only downside to this drug I've encountered so far is that I'm not sleeping as well as I did I am hoping this will go away as time goes on. Knackered is an understatement.
Oh and joy of joys I'm due another Zoladex implant my my how time flies 3 months have just flicked by!
Thursday 18 February 2016
Thursday 11 February 2016
The Outside turned in....
I wanted to vent my feelings and thoughts on the outside world. The outside world has become increasingly on my mind, watching the news, the news flashes on facebook, the terrible state of the world. Our planet is visibly changing, the climate is weird, animals and humans are both affected. Most recently we've had beached sperm whales, why???? these magnificent creatures die horrible deaths where they seem to be starving and they wash up on our beaches a complete mystery. Its worrying. The winter isn't winter anymore its warm its confusing for the birds and animals they don't know whats going on, neither do we. So thats just our planet and environment.
How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.
As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.
How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.
As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.
If you can't take the heat.........
Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....
A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!
Cancer is fucking bollox.
Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!
A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!
Cancer is fucking bollox.
Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!
Saturday 6 February 2016
Blamers and Shamers
Another fabulous animation from Brené Brown explaining the truth about BLAME.
and interview with Oprah explaining the 6 worst people to share your SHAME with.
Empathy V Sympathy
Watch this fab animation narrated and written by Brené Brown that illustrates and describes exactly what's going on with these words. Something I know a lot of cancer patients are connoisseurs of we know about the downside to Sympathy.
Tuesday 2 February 2016
The return of the SUN IMBOLC
It appears I can't get enough of posting today lol. Anyway, its sunny outside, windy and a bit cold with a bit of sleet/rain every now and then, but finally we are turning the wheel of winter as its Imbolc on the pagan calendar here's some info.
Imbolc, (Feb 1st and 2nd) in the Celtic seasonal calendar marked the beginning of the lambing season and signaled the beginning of Spring and the stirrings of new life. It is Feile Brighde, the 'quickening of the year'. The original word Imbolg means 'in the belly', and therein you have the underlying energy. All is pregnant and expectant - and only just visible if at all, like the gentle curve of a 'just-showing' pregnancy. It is the promise of renewal, of hidden potential, of earth awakening and life-force stirring. Here is hope. We welcome the growth of the returning light and witness Life's insatiable appetite for rebirth.
It is time to let go of the past and to look to the future, clearing out the old, making both outer and inner space for new beginnings. This can be done in numerous ways, from spring cleaning your home to clearing the mind and heart to allow inspiration to enter for the new cycle. ('Spring cleaning was originally a nature ritual' - Doreen Valiente). it's a good time for wish-making or making a dedication.
Imbolc is traditionally the great festival and honouring of Brigid (Brighid, Bride, Brigit), so loved as a pagan Goddess that her worship was woven into the Christian church as St Bridget. She is a Goddess of healing, poetry and smithcraft. She is a Goddess of Fire, of the Sun and of the Hearth. She brings fertility to the land and its people and is closely connected to midwives and new-born babies. She is the Triple Goddess, but at Imbolc she is in her Maiden aspect.
It is the day that we celebrate the passing of Winter and make way for Spring
Look for the signs of spring, Snowdrops are a sure sign its on its way.
Imbolc, (Feb 1st and 2nd) in the Celtic seasonal calendar marked the beginning of the lambing season and signaled the beginning of Spring and the stirrings of new life. It is Feile Brighde, the 'quickening of the year'. The original word Imbolg means 'in the belly', and therein you have the underlying energy. All is pregnant and expectant - and only just visible if at all, like the gentle curve of a 'just-showing' pregnancy. It is the promise of renewal, of hidden potential, of earth awakening and life-force stirring. Here is hope. We welcome the growth of the returning light and witness Life's insatiable appetite for rebirth.
It is time to let go of the past and to look to the future, clearing out the old, making both outer and inner space for new beginnings. This can be done in numerous ways, from spring cleaning your home to clearing the mind and heart to allow inspiration to enter for the new cycle. ('Spring cleaning was originally a nature ritual' - Doreen Valiente). it's a good time for wish-making or making a dedication.
Imbolc is traditionally the great festival and honouring of Brigid (Brighid, Bride, Brigit), so loved as a pagan Goddess that her worship was woven into the Christian church as St Bridget. She is a Goddess of healing, poetry and smithcraft. She is a Goddess of Fire, of the Sun and of the Hearth. She brings fertility to the land and its people and is closely connected to midwives and new-born babies. She is the Triple Goddess, but at Imbolc she is in her Maiden aspect.
The sun has returned to us this has lifted my spirits, I am grateful for every moment, every season, always and forever.
I believe in the unbeelievable........
Busy Bees..... without them we wouldn't be here and to some extent (ill never know how much) I wouldn't be here. Just in case I haven't shared this story with you before here's the one about the Bee.
Every week for the past 5 years I've been attending spiritual healing with a lady called Sandy who has become a firm friend. On one of the healing sessions she told me that strangely enough whilst she was healing me she distinctly saw a bee buzzing all around my mastectomy site it was such a strong image she felt compelled to tell me about it. I didn't think anything of it and carried on with my life. About a week after that session I received a package in the post it was posted by the postman it had no postage stamp on it just my name and address typed on a label no return address on the back. Inside the package was a box of a bee product called 'Unbeeleivable' it was a pack of 30 tablets containing something called bee propolis which is a resin substance a by product of the bee's collecting pollen from flowers. It has antibiotic and animicrobial properties including essential minerals and vitamins. Also they have blended Reishi mushrooms, Olive leaf, Elderberry, and Astaxanthin read all about it on there website http://www.unbeelievablehealth.co.uk/
I couldn't understand where this came from but phoned Sandy to ask if she had posted it to me she replied that she hadn't sent me anything other than her absent healing (which in itself is a wonderful gift) the package is a mystery, needless to say but I believe in the unbeelievable, this was a gift to help me heal and to help me fight. I stopped taking it a while back and am now back on track with it. If there is one supplement everyone should take it is this one even if its to help boost your immune system.
Every week for the past 5 years I've been attending spiritual healing with a lady called Sandy who has become a firm friend. On one of the healing sessions she told me that strangely enough whilst she was healing me she distinctly saw a bee buzzing all around my mastectomy site it was such a strong image she felt compelled to tell me about it. I didn't think anything of it and carried on with my life. About a week after that session I received a package in the post it was posted by the postman it had no postage stamp on it just my name and address typed on a label no return address on the back. Inside the package was a box of a bee product called 'Unbeeleivable' it was a pack of 30 tablets containing something called bee propolis which is a resin substance a by product of the bee's collecting pollen from flowers. It has antibiotic and animicrobial properties including essential minerals and vitamins. Also they have blended Reishi mushrooms, Olive leaf, Elderberry, and Astaxanthin read all about it on there website http://www.unbeelievablehealth.co.uk/
I couldn't understand where this came from but phoned Sandy to ask if she had posted it to me she replied that she hadn't sent me anything other than her absent healing (which in itself is a wonderful gift) the package is a mystery, needless to say but I believe in the unbeelievable, this was a gift to help me heal and to help me fight. I stopped taking it a while back and am now back on track with it. If there is one supplement everyone should take it is this one even if its to help boost your immune system.
2016 TFFT
UPDATE Dec 2015: Finally got in to the Nurse to have the Zoladex shot this went well and as I was in there I asked her to look up and see if my Thyroid results came back, yes they were back but nothing was abnormal cholesterol was on the high side but the Thyroid has gone back to being normal, so where does this leave me, it leaves me feeling stuck and desperate. I spoke with the lovely nurse who gave me the Zoladex and told me about the Thyroid she told me that she found it near impossible to loose weight going through the menopause and she told me that the weight I am carrying is indicative of menopause as its mainly all round my tummy like a tyre. I asked her how she managed to loose weight she told me and I quote "the only way I lost weight going through menopause was by fasting at least 2 days a week" she went on to say "I tried everything, extreme exercise, strict diets everything was tried and I didn't loose a pound!" she advised me to forget about loosing weight as it wouldn't shift until I'd been through the menopause completely something none of us know when we will be through, as for me personally Im in chemical menopause and will go through the menopause naturally again..... when I would of gone through it at a later date until then I have to suffer this dammed affliction and all its barbaric side effects. As you can imagine I'm not exactly on top of the world and am back to square one with the view that the only way to loose weight is to fast!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR
And it was just that a Happy New Year spent on top of Glastonbury Tor with my best friend and partner. The view was spectacular you can see for 25 miles all around from the top of the Tor, the weather was clear and cold, the moon was out and the stars, people let off fireworks all around us at the stroke of midnight it looked magical, a beautiful spectacular night, all three of us thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Can't believe I managed to get up there a lot of huffing and puffing and sitting down about 25 mins in all but I did it I managed to get up the Tor, something I've always wanted to do on new year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
And it was just that a Happy New Year spent on top of Glastonbury Tor with my best friend and partner. The view was spectacular you can see for 25 miles all around from the top of the Tor, the weather was clear and cold, the moon was out and the stars, people let off fireworks all around us at the stroke of midnight it looked magical, a beautiful spectacular night, all three of us thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Can't believe I managed to get up there a lot of huffing and puffing and sitting down about 25 mins in all but I did it I managed to get up the Tor, something I've always wanted to do on new year.
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