Tuesday 30 July 2013

Fun in the Sun....

Its been a while since I posted mainly due to the arrival of summer in all her glory, living in South Devon we are spoilt for choice when it comes to gorgeous beaches and plenty of messing around on the water, so as you will of gathered I have been playing and enjoying myself instead of moaning and feeling depressed, its true the weather really does play an important role in your mental health. I've spent a fair few hours swimming in the sea (it really was that hot!) the sea salt worked wonders on my poor arm, I got bitten by another horse fly and reacted very badly too it, my whole arm swelled up luckily not my affected side but unfortunately the side the nurse has to stick the needle in for my Herceptin, so I got a week off the stuff to allow the arm to heal and just in case it turned into septicaemia! Horse fly's are utter bastards!

As far as planet Cancer is concerned I have some shocking news my best friend's sister in law aged early 50's was diagnosed with Lung Cancer which by the time they had found it had spread onto all of her bones it took two weeks from being diagnosed to her passing, everyone is left in complete shock she leaves behind 3 daughters the youngest is 15, its crazy shit and it doesn't get more scarier than that.

As far as my cancer is concerned I'm ok at the moment, I've been and seen my Onc. who agrees with me about the dammed Tamoxifen, I kid you not when I say I've put on 4 stone!!! this is just crazy weight gain never before have I been this big I was always a size 8!!!! so this along with my very very achey cramped legs and feet have made my Onc. request a ton of blood tests and if they come back ok then she really will have too do something about the Tamoxifen I have way too many side effects and she told me that if I am post menopausal then I have a far greater choice of hormonal drugs to try, an appointment is booked for the results at the end of August and as always I will keep you informed. Another slight annoyance is an itch on my left breast (I had an itch on my right breast and then found advanced BC!) its gone today and I'm praying it was just something itchy in my top that was annoying me of course it doesn't help being so blasted hot and bothered (hot flush central) I now sleep with the fan pointing at my face and I am happy to report it works yipeeeee!!!

That just about wraps it up for today's post of course I will keep you all informed about results etc but in the mean time enjoy the remainder of the summer and treasure those blissful moments. xxx

Tuesday 9 July 2013

Breakdown in the mall.....

Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in  the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be.  I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!

So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.

Saturday 6 July 2013

Its an epidemic....

So I watched the wonderful Glastonbury Festival at the weekend on the TV as I couldn't afford to attend and I probably wouldn't have the necessary stamina for sleeping in a tent also getting up and down and needing to sit down could become a problem. By far the best bands were Chic feat. Nile Rogers and the Stones. I love love loved Chic's performance they were smooth, slick and ultra cool with their classic disco tracks I found the whole thing so uplifting I downloaded the show and have had it continually on my computer in my art studio, I was surprised to learn that Nile is a super talent and has written countless songs for other superstars like David Bowie, Diana Ross, and the biggest surprise was Daft Punk 'Get Lucky' which is at number 1 in the charts as I write this, the man is pure genius and I love how the music lifted me. So I just googled his name and came up with his website www.nilerogers.com on that website I was shocked to learn that he is also a cancer survivor he had extremely aggressive prostrate cancer and he writes about his experiences with the big c on a blog http://nilerodgers.com/blogs well worth checking it out he say's it like it is when your living in the shadow of cancer but its also incredibly life affirming. If the music doesn't get to you then the blog will. Its like a cancer radar so many people recently are either losing their fight or just diagnosed in the past 2 weeks 4 people I know have been dx with some form of this terrible disease, one of them was dx just last week with bone cancer and apparently has been given days to live!!! What is this shit? why so many people being affected? what is going on? surely we must be somewhere nearer to finding out what causes cancer, its doing my head in, everywhere I turn its there like a bad smell lingering. It feels like its at epidemic proportions, is it the end of humanity? I'm at a complete loss?

Changed name.....

Hi all, just a quick note to explain that I've changed the name of this blog from 'Surviving the beast within' to Living with SBC (secondary breast cancer). I decided that the old title was too dramatic and I wanted to tone down the 'Beast' part so I've changed it to something that is a true description of what I am actually doing which is living with it. Hope this doesn't confuse anyone and apologies in advance if its inconvenienced anyone. Sending you all love and light sarah xxx

Friday 5 July 2013

Where's your head at?

Ok so I think its about time I filled you in on where I'm at at this particular moment in time. Obviously I'm still receiving Herceptin and taking daily Tamoxifen, I haven't had a whole body CT scan for about 8 month's now and feel I've gradually slipped into my new life post Cancer. However, I'm not the same person I was before and have changed almost everything about myself and my life. I continue to eat healthy and avoid red meat (I only eat free range chicken once a month) other than that I eat fish, eggs and pro-biotic organic yoghurt. I try to juice at least 3 times a week (I was doing this daily for just over 2 years) I've cut it down as I've started to feel better and believe juicing 3 times a week is sufficient in keeping my body both alkaline and healthy.  I continue to go for healing at least once a week this is very necessary and life re-affirming, I can't live without it. I try to meditate daily or at the very least weekly and I attend a weekly meditation group where we concentrate on healing. Yoga has become a weekly practice which also helps with the meditation. Another massive plus is I've started painting again and I feel ok about it. I'm in the middle of painting a couple of new collections and finished off old paintings this has proved to be quite cathartic and has brought me a new lease of life.

Occasionally I slip into my old mind set but I do recognise that this is not healthy and more importantly I am aware of it and try to nip it in the bud before it takes hold of me. Negative thought patterns are not tolerated anymore. This is easier said than done of course as the mind is a powerful manipulator, it also doesn't help when other people pass away or deteriorate with this disease, I can't help getting upset when someone passes even though I know they are going 'home' back to their natural spiritual state. I try to remind myself that this reaction to someones passing is natural and needs to be embraced worked through and ultimately let go of.

In answer to the title of this post my head is in a good place at the moment, I am positive and I've started to plan for the future something I never thought I'd be able to do especially on the work front. I've decided that I want to become a further education teacher possibly teaching foundation in art at a college as well as finishing my current paintings is my goal at the moment, myself and my partner have other plans but I'm going to try and stay focused on my current projects.

Thursday 4 July 2013

Causes of Cancer environmental or emotional..........

The blog Spiritual-light-on-Cancer asks the question Causes of Cancer: Environmental or Emotional? Fiona asks questions through a spiritual medium and receives answers from her Guides, this particular post looks at the causes of cancer asking is it environmental or emotional? this is an excellent question and totally unique response.

FIONA: I am thinking about the causes of cancer. Some say it is caused by toxic emotions; others that it is caused by environment toxins. Can you shed any light on this? GUIDES: Yes. We take you back to what we initially said on this subject. Cancer is one of the ways the body will choose as a means to exit life. When you are looking to exit life the body will begin to accumulate matter in the body as the system becomes sluggish towards life in general. Think about it. You move less when you are unhappy and your thoughts become far more polluted in their nature. The mechanisms for exit can be physical in nature. But by the time they become physical in nature, such as the body has manifested a mass or masses, which can be diagnosed as cancer, there has been a great build up to this point. Although it seems to those of you diagnosed it has been overnight, there has been a build up towards this. Now all of you are right in thinking that it is a genetic issue, and that it is a mental issue, and that it is a toxic issue. The mechanism that causes the manifestation of disease in the individual is individual. But what must be noticed is the commonality with all of you that end up with a diagnosis of cancer, is that there has been an activation of the desire to exit life. For most of you this will have been on an unconscious, subconscious level. You will probably not have realised you are doing this so you must look to reclaim your joire de vivre. This is the most important message we can ever give you . You understand this, Fiona. This becomes difficult for you when you see it manifesting in other ways in other people. You have been to the point where you are considering your own mortality and you know how it feels. You know how it feels to try and get a sense of self and a sense of living back. It is hard. It is much easier to become more full of life without a diagnosis of cancer than it is with one. However, should you wish to remain healthy and you have the strength to do so, engage with life. How do you do this? This is individual to each of you. It will be important that all of you think about what you need to do for your healing. If your body has a level of toxicity or pollutants in it, then cleanse it. But do this lovingly- not aggressively- for cleansing the body aggressively simply adds more of the wrong input into the system. What do we mean? It is simply another thing about how bad my life is. We would rather you ate a chocolate bar at this point, if that is what would make you happier. All of you who are willing to do so, please take a look at the contents of your thoughts. You are not taught to think about your thoughts. You are not taught that you are a creator of your thoughts. Instead you are left with a mind that talks and many of you for want of a better word or phrase aren’t aware of the direction you are driving yourself. So when you come to a stop such as a diagnosis of cancer, and you do not wish for your life to end, it is time to turn around.

Taken from the excellent blog http://spiritual-light-on-cancer.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/causes-of-cancer-enviromental-or.html

Incredible story.......

Follow this link to a story about a young woman with breast cancer that healed herself via faith and juicing enjoy http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/ashlies-breast-cancer-miracle/