Monday 28 July 2014

RIP Polly Noble and Liz Greggory

Polly Noble has passed away she was only 32 and had been fighting aggressive cervical cancer that had spread to other vital organs since she was 24. Polly was a breath of fresh air she was an english Kris Carr. How can someone so young and vibrant be taken so very quickly. Polly was a wellness warrior and wrote books and websites on eating right including raw and green juicing. She didn't smoke or drink yet she still got taken by this fucking disease. I had signed up to Polly's website and would receive regular updates and recipes from her I was starting to think why haven't I had an email from Polly when all of the sudden it dawned on me something had happened. My worst fears were realised when I googled her name and the words funeral came up automatically. I started reading her obituary and tears rolled down, like they have so many times for so many different people some with breast cancer some with other types of cancer in the past 3 and a half years since being dx I've buried at least 20 women all of whom I'd had direct contact with via the internet or by phone, its quite simply shocking. Initially I react by getting tearful and upset then as the realisation of whats happened sinks in I get fucking angry I try not to as I think anger internalised is very very bad for you but my reactions are what they are and I am so angry why oh why oh why and what an utter waste of a caring, compassionate, inspired human being.......words fail me I am at a loss.....


R.I.P. Polly Noble you were a true inspiration and you didn't deserve your unbelievably unkind end.

I've added this today in honour and remembrance of the lovely Liz Gregory I met Liz on line, a fellow secondary breast cancer patient who was amongst others offered tremendous support and help in my hour of need. Liz was a salt of the earth kind of person compassionate and caring always willing to offer help and advice. This fucking cancer has finally got her I pray her passing was calm and that she was free of suffering and pain. As always she leaves behind a family whom now have to pick up the peices and continue without her.

R.I.P. Liz Gregory you will be missed, sending you lots of love and light lovely lady. xxx

Tuesday 22 July 2014

Stopped taking Tamoxifen.....

Thats right I've finally had enough and stopped taking the Tamoxifen its very nearly 3 years since I started taking them and just cant cope anymore with this terrible drug. The list seems endless but this is why I've stopped:

1. Enormous weight gain (4 stone) I've gone from a size 8-10 to size 18-20

2. At least 3 major migraines a week (I used to blame Herceptin but realise now it could be the Tami)

3. Arthritic joint pain in both wrists and ankles

4. Swelling and water retention just to add to the weight misery

5. Cramp in my toes and legs 

6. Hot Flushes including sweating from my eyeballs and feeling like I'm going melt into a puddle

7. Night sweats and unable to sleep

8. Mood swings and depression

9. Unable to walk or function at times due to the above side effects I end up walking around like an 
old lady of 100!!

I've been putting up with this sorry lot for the past 3 years and I've had enough yes I've hit the fuck it button what made me finally decide was the fact that I've been so depressed that I feel like I'd rather not be here anymore I realised this was a suicidal tendency (not good when you live so close to the cliffs) this was the final straw and as of yesterday I've stopped. I have an onc. appt. on August the 8th with results of MRI, CT, heart scan and blood test. Haven't decided whether or not to tell onc about stopping the tablets he will probably go up the wall if I tell him but I just can't live with this anymore I need a better quality of life. I will explain how I've been feeling and the above reasons if I decide to tell him. Obviously I'm still on the sub-cut Herceptin. I wouldn't mind if they tried me on another ai with less side effects but they told me at the last appointment that they wouldn't change the Tamoxifen until I was through the menopause hence the reason for the blood test to determine my menopausal status.

Apparently its going to take a good 3 months for the stuff to be out of my system totally but I feel relieved and happy about my decision. Its a risky strategy but quality of life is just as important.

Cobain, Carey a medium and a load of questions......

It's one of those days (a worrying trend lately) I feel out of sorts, emotional like I'm gonna cry any second, why you may ask? well I don't quite know why? I certainly have good cause to feel upset (in the middle of waiting for a heap load of scan results) but its not even that.

I've just started listening to Nirvana I was never really into them before but for some reason I am drawn to this particular band and its dead lead singer Kurt Cobain he tragically died after shooting himself in the head, he suffered a lifetime of possibly bi-polar symptoms a classic raw talent taken too soon, his story made me feel that life is so pointless and needed some answers so googled Kurt Cobain and channelling sure enough I found blogs and written stories of mediums channeling Kurt, interestingly the questions and answers were very informative and did bring some comfort BUT its left me feeling low. I decided to ask a few questions of spirit myself the main one today is "how can I carry on?' you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden a definite answer came to me "your faith is your strength" wise words indeed and upon further pondering I believe to be the truth. Without my faith I would be an empty vessel wandering aimlessly on this planet, weirdly my faith anchors me to the earth (you would think this would be the opposite). I suppose some would say that I'm being too self indulgent but to me having faith is the difference between life or death.

Recently I've been to see some mediums and clairvoyants one of the things that stuck out for me from the strongest reading was that my problem is "you don't believe that what you think has any effect" this I am informed is my major problem and I have to say that to some extent this is in my opinion true. I suppose its because I don't believe I thought myself ill in other words I didn't think myself into breast cancer did I? so it stands to reason that I would believe that thoughts have no effect, also if it was true then thinking that you don't have breast cancer would surely be the cure. Apologies if I am confusing you but this is what is going on in my bloody head at the moment and I need to get to the bottom of it, instinctively feel this is very important. This theory keeps being presented to me only the other day I came across this short speech by the Actor Jim Carey http://youtu.be/V80-gPkpH6M his speech was about asking the universe for help in fact asking for whatever you want and believing in yourself. Carey talks about his mission in "The church of freedom from concern". The questions he poses are interesting and important "how will you serve the world?" "what have you got to offer others?" he goes on to say "risk being seen in all of your glory" this echo's some of what Kurt had said through the medium that his purpose was to teach "self expression through his music" this blew me away.

Later on in the evening I had a conversation with F. (fellow breast cancer patient and friend) we discussed the whole 'you are what you think' concept and she offered an alternative answer. Not that either of us thought ourselves ill but maybe our thought patterns at that time had in some way contributed to a low immune system which in tern brought about the cancer. I for one was in a bad way prior to being dx I was unemployed, depressed, and miserable my self esteem was at an all time low and I literally didn't want to wake up. It makes sense to me that this state of mind may of proved the perfect recipe for the immune system to fall flat on the floor, inviting in all manner of nasties including cancer. This makes more sense to me that just simply thinking yourself sick.

Thursday 3 July 2014

Sunshine and shadows.....

Its been a while since I posted on here I suppose I've been trying to get back some sort of normality to my daily life which doesn't include cancer. Having said that the fucking shit is always just round the corner and I find I can never really forget about it. Last week it was an MRI scan on a sunday morning!! this week its a Herceptin shot at the local outreach clinic and of course on a daily basis I am still taking the dammed Tamoxifen, don't really stand much chance of forgetting about it do I? added to which I have a CT scan booked for next tuesday with results d-day booked for the 8th of August and so I'm back on the treadmill that is the waiting game....... I feel bad moaning about this when its such a beautiful day out there all blue skies and summer heat but as the title of this post suggests there is shadows and I'm experiencing one of those day's where I feel deflated, most of my problems lie in the fact that I don't recognise myself anymore, I quite simply don't look like Sarah anymore, the monumental weight gain caused by the Tamoxifen, the pubic hair on top of my head where my beautiful brunette waist length straight hair used to be also toe nails falling off and nails on hands looking decidedly doggy urghhhhh........... think you probably get the picture I'm on an off day, sometimes I ponder about not taking the drugs and seeing what happens when I voice this opinion others around me give me a telling off and make me feel guilty for feeling like this but I can't help it I bloody hate it! I just want to look like me again and not some super inflated, puffed up, doddery version of myself this shit seriously ages you over night. I've started to sub-conciously avoid seeing anyone or going anywhere which is pretty easy to do when you live in a rurally isolated location. A friend of mine is coming over from Australia she's asked to come and see me we haven't seen each other for 15 years, I would dearly love to see her but I just can't face the look of utter shock on her face when she clocks me! I just want to hide away and never see anyone again. This is getting serious....... think I need to tell the doctors about how I am feeling, need for them to try something different, something with less horrendous side effects, or they need to address this chronic depression. Talking of side effects I've read about Herceptin recently and found out that it does affect your blood count didn't realise this and adds to the misery.....