Results update........

So after many phone calls, and discussions with the herceptin nurse I finally 12 weeks later get my results of the latest CT scan phew.......... its ok all is the same as before stable. It was my lovely herceptin nurse that actually pushed hard at the hospital and phoned me with results, something she shouldn't have to do, but she did, above and beyond the call of duty, bless her. What would I have done without her?

Not feeling like chatting much at the moment can't be depressed because I'm on anti-depressants! but certainly feel a bit depressed, crazy shit!

I've got a few more appointments, follow up check up, and a echo scan then thats it for the year.

Just want to get this year over and done with, its been a bugger of a year in more ways than one, many things happening that are utter shit, need a fresh start and a new year.

So I'm gonna sign off this year and say Happy Xmas and a Happy New Year to you all, speak to you next year with a more up beat me.

RIP Dr Stephen Kelly

It is with a heavy heart that I can now report that my consultant Dr Stephen Kelly passed away last week. I found out by chance as I phoned his secretary to ask why I hadn't received a letter telling me when to come in for my CT scan results, it's been 8 weeks! This has happened before so I didn't think much of it and presumed my results were probably OK, but the real reason is because Dr Kelly had passed away and thrown the whole of oncology into turmoil. There were rumours and whispers of liver cancer but I thought he'd beaten it, apparently he had not. It doesn't seem right that someone devoted to treating patients of cancer should fall foul of the very same thing. I am in total shock and feel floored by this sad news. Now more than ever I need to move my care to a new hospital with a new Consultant. The other Dr's at my hospital do not inspire any great confidence and I've not really had very good experiences with them. Dr Kelly was by far the best if not at the hospital then defiantly in my area.

Absolutely gutted.

Red spot trauma....

Feeling chronically fatigued again...... got my thyroid test tomorrow morning thank god, need some answers on this point. Tummy is swollen as well as fat I kid you not I look about 8 months pregnant, so walking or waddling is not great which only adds to the fatigue.

To top it all off I've got a spot.... on my mastectomy scar..... red lump spot thingy WTF is it? Now panicking about it but I've a mamo on Wednesday so will mention it to the nurse and might get a doc to take a quick peek at it, I'm praying its a insect bite but........ you never know with this shit.........
Its because its on my scar that it makes me think the worst, this is what its like every ache, pain, lump bump there is always a worry?

Feeling very lethargic don't want to do anything so going to lie down and rest.

UPDATE

Red spot gone was only a normal spot phew........... I did mention it to the nurse at the mamo and she just said to keep an eye on it......uh yeah!!! like I'm not gonna do that.... talk about state the bleedin obvious!

Also had the Thyroid blood test and not heard anything so I presume all is normal....back to the drawing board.

and finally still haven't heard my results about my CT scan I had back on the 12th of September nearly 8 weeks ago Wow a record breaking amount of time to wait to find out if my cancer has spread.

The month where if anybody says the P word to me I'll scream

Yes its that time of year again the air is cooler (thank god my hot flushes are off the scale!), the nights are drawing in, the leaves are falling all of these things I love but what I don't like is the bloody way people now call October Pinktober or words to that effect.... it makes my blood boil! Good natured well meaning people are duped into buying a product because it has the breast cancer logo splashed all over it and coloured it pink, what these good people don't realise is only a tiny amount of the money taken for the product actually goes to the breast cancer charity, hardly anything at all, certainly not enough to make a massive difference it just means that every October these companies get extra exposure under the cover of charity. Its a massive marketing campaign and yet again is clouded by money.

Back to the reality of living with secondary breast cancer, last week I had my flu jab (as I am immune compromised) which made me feel terrible I spent the whole week in bed, feeling very sick, achey (more than the usual) and plagued by migraines......the bain of my life. Today I awoke to the sinking feeling where I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and then the head throbs back on the sumatriptan and knock out drops....... just woke up and the whole flipping day has gone again.

Saw my GP last week and am to have another blood test for the thyroid so onwards and upwards, will keep you all informed if it does work out to be the thyroid gland.

Still feeling hot hot hot! but my lovely GP has upped the anti-depressants to 20mg a day so that should start taking effect shortly on the flushes that are the second bain of my life.

Best get on with whatever I have left of today.

The things people say......urghhhhhhh

So first to update you all I'm going back to see GP and getting re-tested for the thyroid again, I've already been tested twice the first time there was a problem with my thyroid and the second time 3 months later I tested normal. I have been experiencing extreme fatigue as well as a horse sounding voice, constant weight gain again!!!!, blurred vision etc etc etc bottom line its my bloody thyroid I know it is I'm 100% positive it is the thyroid playing up maybe its out of balance but it needs looking into further as the debilitating fatigue (I kid you not I couldn't even get out of bed) has to be addressed. The earliest appointment I could get is next week so I will keep you posted of the outcome.

Getting back to the latest gripe and the title of this post.....the things people say! Yes again other people being totally out of order the latest being a mate who has said a lot of nice things to me for example on the subject of my 5 stone weight gain and looking different told me that "I don't care what you look like as long as your here" and "we love you regardless" in the next breath whilst discussing the world population explosion and associated problems decided to announce that if she had been diagnosed with cancer she wouldn't have chemo, surgery or radiotherapy all this does is keep those of us affected by cancer alive and kicking and we are costing the country millions keeping us alive!!!!! FUCKING WOW! what a thing to say to someone you know has secondary breast cancer and after all the wonderful things she has said, it begs belief doesn't it? I was flabbergasted to say the least, I decided to respond with you "you don't know how strong the survival instinct is until your in the dammed situation" I mean its easy to say I wouldn't do chemo but faced with life or death situation your natural instinct is to survive you go into it looking into every possible option and I do hate this word but you fucking fight. Its the same for any living thing on this planet faced with impeding death you fight. No matter how small or how large the creature your instinct is to survive and fight whether that involves taking chemo or having surgery and radiotherapy your trying to survive and live. I defy anyone to say otherwise. My cat brings home small rodents sometimes they are still alive, they fight to the bitter end, they don't give up there instinct is to live. Phew....... end of rant sorry but that really really pissed me off for so many reasons.

Thyroid.......that old chestnut!

Can't believe I'm back in this spot again...... the dammed thyroid conversation......... Last year it was suggested to me that my thyroid might be playing up so I went for the test with my GP, this first test did show a problem with my thyroid being very sluggish but the protocol for these tests is you have one test and re-test 3 months later, so this we did and the second test turned out normal. Due to this my GP told me they wouldn't be putting me on thyroid medication as the tests weren't consistent. At this point I dropped it and tried to move on although I still suffered with symptoms associated with an under active thyroid.

Fast forward to last week, I'd been experiencing bad fatigue and when I say bad I mean it! Everyday waking up late and exhausted, some days not being able to climb out of bed or just about drag myself to the sofa where I slept for hours during the day!!! Obviously this was becoming a problem so I phoned my breast cancer nurse and told her about it, I even suggested maybe it was the Herceptin, she didn't agree that it was Herceptin but told me it was a sign of under active thyroid....... here we go again!!!! and as I'm still putting on weight she reckons its a sign of an out of balance thyroid and told me to go back to my GP. So there it is, what to do? going back to my GP and being re-tested, I'm currently not feeling fatigued this week but think when I am fatigued they should conduct the test, I think its up and down with the thyroid which is why we can't seem to get to the bottom of it. Prior to all this cancer shit I didn't have anything wrong with any of my bodily functions including my thyroid.

So want this to get sorted out its starting to really get on my nerves.

Update on Tricky times

I'll get straight into it, my dad hasn't got lung cancer, thank fuck for that eh! The CT scan he had didn't show anything sinister so all is good there. His stroke recovery is very very slow and he still has good and very bad days but he is making some improvement on the mobility front which is good. I spoke with him on the phone and he sounded a bit confused he was like this in hospital so hopefully its just a blip and he will resume normal conversation soon. My mum has also had scans as she has one leg bigger than the other so waiting for results of that although she isn't in any pain its just cosmetic at the moment.

Im doing ok, still getting migraines and strange swellings but other than that alright. Still very upset about supposed friendship but gradually getting over that and happy to just stay incognito at the moment, don't want to discuss anything with her or him am happily getting on with my life, moving on and enjoying the ride.

Tricky Times

Its been ages since I last wrote a post so I thought I'd better bring you all up to date. My father had a stroke earlier on this year and after nearly 8 weeks in hospital he was released, unfortunately they released him way to early, he wasn't ready to come home and the house wasn't ready for a severely disabled person. So after a lot of phone calls and a couple of weeks spent at my mum and dads house we finally have managed to get nursing care for 4 weeks after which they will review and see if he needs any further care. I don't want to go into it on here but its been a nightmare! not just watching my dad struggle around the house with the stairs but also with all the red tape to go through just to get some help. It was made all the worse when my mum went down with flu which she then passed on to dad who already had pneumonia earlier on in the year all this put his recovery back to being bed ridden and so I was asked to come up and care for a fortnight, this I did, but I'm physically not able to lift him etc so was relieved when the nursing care finally was sorted. Worryingly my father was referred to the lung cancer department and was supposed to go for a CT scan earlier on in the year after his bout of pneumonia, due to the stroke this got left by the wayside and forgotten about, however today he faces a CT scan to check out that earlier niggle. Stressed out or what.......

As for me, I'm sort of ok obviously feeling frazzled by all the stuff going on with my dad but also other things are upsetting me involving so called friends and loyalty. Again I don't want to go into it but am feeling very low, initially I was disappointed but now I'm just plain angry, this will pass, I am used to these feelings but a trust has been lost and I don't think I can forgive and forget this time, I feel this is the end for one significant friendship as I just cant see a way around the problem other than conceding defeat and carrying on as if nothing has happened, the later of which is totally out of the question and is something I have done ie: bury head in the sand over and over again. Enough is enough...... I am sad but also glad to of been shown the lies that have been told allowing truth to prevail.

Health wise I am doing alright although I've had a few heart palpitations and feel my stomach swells up at certain times of the month, not sure what is going on there but my skin around my abdomen becomes very tight and I feel about 9 months pregnant even though I know I've put on weight its not anything to do with weight it feels like water retention the sort you get before a period so I suppose I will have to go back to the Dr's to find out what the hell is going on. Have too say I am so sick and tired of all this shit..... Dr's, hospitals, appointments, ailments and symptoms urghhhhh.............. Wish it would just all fuck off. At times I have considered just stopping everything, no more Zoladex no more Herceptin, just see what happens, at some point in the future I am going to come off these drugs, people have been on them for 10 or 15 years but I did read somewhere that in America some life time patients have been weaned off Herceptin and found no repercussion from it. When someone tells you that you've got to be on it for life its so hard to know how your going to feel about that only time will tell. Its been 5 years 6 months since this all started thats a long time dealing with something on a daily basis, living in fear of the dreaded 3 monthly CT scan results and going to the hospital every 3 weeks to have a potentially life saving drug. Apologies this isn't very positive is it but its how I feel at the moment and thats on Citrolapram anti-depressant maybe they need to up the dosage as the hot flushes are off the scale (not kidding sweat pouring down my face) and my moods are at an all time low!!!

Spring has just flown in......

On a lighter note I saw the first swallows of spring yesterday these little visitors lift my soul every year bringing with them the promises of warmer weather and happier days, they renew hope within me that miracles do happen everyday, for it is surely miraculous that these tiny birds fly, so far across great oceans every year to alight in the very spot they were born.

Unwell but its normal

So been a bit unwell thankfully its a normal unwell in that its some sort of bug and is unrelated to cancer, however it has been horrible coughing, sneezing culminating in loosing my voice, went to the Dr's and he prescribed penicillin so I'm currently taking that on top of all the other tablets urghh.........
Not been feeling that great having to lie down rather a lot and seem to sleep for england, all part of the blasted bug I suppose. A little update on my Dad he's still in hospital but due to my own illness I haven't been able to go in and see him, certainly didn't want to pass this bugger on also the hospital he is in has had something called a Nora virus on the loose because of this the visiting hours have been reduced to an hour a day all in all seeing dad wasn't an option at the moment. I hope to see him this weekend all being well and good. My brother reports that he is doing well with his speech and is back to his old self which is a huge relief however, he still cannot walk this is a bigger problem and one that we are all watching closely, my parents house isn't equipped to deal with someone who can't walk especially up and down stairs, there is no facilities for downstairs bathroom or toilet its all upstairs, wish they'd have moved to that bungalow they were looking at last year would of made life a darn sight easier for them. Anyway they haven't moved and seem unlikely to move now I suppose massive change is on the horizon for them both and for my brother who still lives at home.

Head Scan Results

Today I found out the results of the scan on my brain and its clear YAY very very happy dance. The worry was the constant migraines one every day for the past 2 weeks. I always suffered with them before dx and linked them to my hormones and monthly periods but since having cancer and not having a monthly I couldn't fathom what was causing them, I mentioned the fact that the migraines were increasing and they wanted to check my head just in case.  We still do not know what is causing them, it could be the drugs I am on or the lack of hormones and actually today I realised it could be stress. I don't feel particularly stressed at the moment but I think sub-consciously I must be!

Two weeks ago my dad had a stroke and was rushed into hospital, obviously this was serious so we (myself and partner) drove straight up to Bristol to see him, the first week he didn't recognise us and could hardly speak this gradually got worse and he was in a vegetative state, this was most distressing for all of the family, by the end of the second week he seemed to of turned a corner and everything started to improve, the lights were on and my dad was in, we stayed for 4 days then had to come home again, life has to continue, we have commitments, I think I've been holding in my stress in relation to dad for a while and its been coming out as migraines because when we returned home the migraines stopped. I had one everyday we stayed up in Bristol. I take sumatriptan which really works but makes me spaced out and dopey, not good when visiting my father in hospital. He has improved and will be transferred to Weston hospital where they have specialist facilities to help with his rehabilitation. We have gathered by now that this is going to be a long haul process and we hope and pray that his mental abilities return with his speech and his physical walking etc. In time these should improve. Its been a trying time and hard on all of us. I am just grateful that my brother had the presence of mind to phone an ambulance (even though my dad didn't want to go into hospital). The quicker you deal with a stroke the more you save of the person.

Anti-depressant UPDATE

Ok its been a week since I started taking the anti-depressant Citrolapam and so far so good, the hot flushes are more severe when they do occur BUT they aren't as frequent as they were before and are seemingly becoming less so YAY to that, people seem to think that a hot flush is an innocent problem that can be tolerated I beg to differ on that hot flushes when extreme are embarrassing making you red in the face, the heat in your face and head makes you feel physically sick to the point on occasion where I have actually thrown up! So innocent is not a word I would use to describe them, it actually feels like your burning in the depths of hell, its quite simply put horrendous I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Of course most woman who go through the normal menopause wont suffer this extreme kind which were brought on by chemo and perpetuated by the massive drugs I am on to block estrogen. I hope that with time they will completely disappear and leave me the fuck alone! I've also noticed that my appetite is diminishing another YAY to that lets hope that I get to lose some of this god awful weight gain and start to look like me again. The only downside to this drug I've encountered so far is that I'm not sleeping as well as I did I am hoping this will go away as time goes on. Knackered is an understatement.

Oh and joy of joys I'm due another Zoladex implant my my how time flies 3 months have just flicked by!

The Outside turned in....

I wanted to vent my feelings and thoughts on the outside world. The outside world has become increasingly on my mind, watching the news, the news flashes on facebook, the terrible state of the world. Our planet is visibly changing, the climate is weird, animals and humans are both affected. Most recently we've had beached sperm whales, why???? these magnificent creatures die horrible deaths where they seem to be starving and they wash up on our beaches a complete mystery. Its worrying. The winter isn't winter anymore its warm its confusing for the birds and animals they don't know whats going on, neither do we. So thats just our planet and environment.

How about our society, a race consumed with consumerism, vain and corrupt, our children take endless pictures of themselves pouting?? WTF? its crazy shit, then as if you think things couldn't get any worse people we deemed to be in the spotlight that were charitable entertainers with what we thought of as hearts of gold are exposed as pedophiles again I reiterate WTF??? what is going on? Every time I turn the TV on and watch the news I get so upset at what I am watching I end up in tears out of anger and frustration with the way we are heading and thats the real question where the fuck as a race are we heading?? what is going to happen to us if we keep on this self destructive path, killing our planet and our species. I can't even start on the Syrian crisis and feel helpless in the face of what looks like the second holocaust. Sensitive people like myself are most affected, we look at the outside and bring it in, into our head space where it goes round and round like a cat chasing its tail there is no end to the inner turmoil, the frustration and anxiety, how do we carry on in a civilised manner on this planet faced with the knowledge and images we see on in the media? none of it makes any sense, I ask myself is this a test? some higher power testing us all. Can't get my head round it and have to switch off.

As if all of that isn't enough to deal with then I get dx with this bloody awful disease just to add to my strife. Seriously though, 1 in 3 people are going to get this fucking shit, what is it? Cancer why haven't they worked it out? WTF.

If you can't take the heat.........

Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....

A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!

Cancer is fucking bollox.

Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!

Blamers and Shamers

Another fabulous animation from Brené Brown explaining the truth about BLAME.

and interview with Oprah explaining the 6 worst people to share your SHAME with.

 

Empathy V Sympathy

Watch this fab animation narrated and written by Brené Brown that illustrates and describes exactly what's going on with these words. Something I know a lot of cancer patients are connoisseurs of we know about the downside to Sympathy.

The return of the SUN IMBOLC

It appears I can't get enough of posting today lol. Anyway, its sunny outside, windy and a bit cold with a bit of sleet/rain every now and then, but finally we are turning the wheel of winter as its Imbolc on the pagan calendar here's some info.

It is the day that we celebrate the passing of Winter and make way for Spring

Look for the signs of spring, Snowdrops are a sure sign its on its way.

Imbolc, (Feb 1st and 2nd) in the Celtic seasonal calendar marked the beginning of the lambing season and signaled the beginning of Spring and the stirrings of new life. It is Feile Brighde, the 'quickening of the year'. The original word Imbolg means 'in the belly', and therein you have the underlying energy. All is pregnant and expectant - and only just visible if at all, like the gentle curve of a 'just-showing' pregnancy. It is the promise of renewal, of hidden potential, of earth awakening and life-force stirring. Here is hope. We welcome the growth of the returning light and witness Life's insatiable appetite for rebirth.

It is time to let go of the past and to look to the future, clearing out the old, making both outer and inner space for new beginnings. This can be done in numerous ways, from spring cleaning your home to clearing the mind and heart to allow inspiration to enter for the new cycle. ('Spring cleaning was originally a nature ritual' - Doreen Valiente). it's a good time for wish-making or making a dedication.

Imbolc is traditionally the great festival and honouring of Brigid (Brighid, Bride, Brigit), so loved as a pagan Goddess that her worship was woven into the Christian church as St Bridget. She is a Goddess of healing, poetry and smithcraft. She is a Goddess of Fire, of the Sun and of the Hearth. She brings fertility to the land and its people and is closely connected to midwives and new-born babies. She is the Triple Goddess, but at Imbolc she is in her Maiden aspect.

The sun has returned to us this has lifted my spirits, I am grateful for every moment, every season, always and forever.

I believe in the unbeelievable........

Busy Bees..... without them we wouldn't be here and to some extent (ill never know how much) I wouldn't be here. Just in case I haven't shared this story with you before here's the one about the Bee.

Every week for the past 5 years I've been attending spiritual healing with a lady called Sandy who has become a firm friend. On one of the healing sessions she told me that strangely enough whilst she was healing me she distinctly saw a bee buzzing all around my mastectomy site it was such a strong image she felt compelled to tell me about it. I didn't think anything of it and carried on with my life. About a week after that session I received a package in the post it was posted by the postman it had no postage stamp on it just my name and address typed on a label no return address on the back. Inside the package was a box of a bee product called 'Unbeeleivable' it was a pack of 30 tablets containing something called bee propolis which is a resin substance a by product of the bee's collecting pollen from flowers. It has antibiotic and animicrobial properties including essential minerals and vitamins. Also they have blended Reishi mushrooms, Olive leaf, Elderberry, and Astaxanthin read all about it on there website http://www.unbeelievablehealth.co.uk/

I couldn't understand where this came from but phoned Sandy to ask if she had posted it to me she replied that she hadn't sent me anything other than her absent healing (which in itself is a wonderful gift) the package is a mystery, needless to say but I believe in the unbeelievable, this was a gift to help me heal and to help me fight. I stopped taking it a while back and am now back on track with it. If there is one supplement everyone should take it is this one even if its to help boost your immune system.

2016 TFFT

UPDATE Dec 2015: Finally got in to the Nurse to have the Zoladex shot this went well and as I was in there I asked her to look up and see if my Thyroid results came back, yes they were back but nothing was abnormal cholesterol was on the high side but the Thyroid has gone back to being normal, so where does this leave me, it leaves me feeling stuck and desperate. I spoke with the lovely nurse who gave me the Zoladex and told me about the Thyroid she told me that she found it near impossible to loose weight going through the menopause and she told me that the weight I am carrying is indicative of menopause as its mainly all round my tummy like a tyre. I asked her how she managed to loose weight she told me and I quote "the only way I lost weight going through menopause was by fasting at least 2 days a week" she went on to say "I tried everything, extreme exercise, strict diets everything was tried and I didn't loose a pound!" she advised me to forget about loosing weight as it wouldn't shift until I'd been through the menopause completely something none of us know when we will be through, as for me personally Im in chemical menopause and will go through the menopause naturally again..... when I would of gone through it at a later date until then I have to suffer this dammed affliction and all its barbaric side effects. As you can imagine I'm not exactly on top of the world and am back to square one with the view that the only way to loose weight is to fast!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

And it was just that a Happy New Year spent on top of Glastonbury Tor with my best friend and partner. The view was spectacular you can see for 25 miles all around from the top of the Tor, the weather was clear and cold, the moon was out and the stars, people let off fireworks all around us at the stroke of midnight it looked magical, a beautiful spectacular night, all three of us thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Can't believe I managed to get up there a lot of huffing and puffing and sitting down about 25 mins in all but I did it I managed to get up the Tor, something I've always wanted to do on new year.