If you can't take the heat.........

Ok, so as you've probably guessed I've reached a corner stone. Today I went for a routine appointment with my GP and asked him for anti-depressants, why? you may ask well to be honest I've had enough of the flaming hot flushes, I've lived with them for 5 years battling on hating it feeling embarrassed whenever I go red in the face not a good look when you've put on 4 stone and have a face the colour of a tomato, not to mention the broken sleep and feeling nauseous, so finally hit the fuck it button and went to the GP's he was happy to give me Citrolapam its only 10mg at the moment he said we'd start off on low dose and build up if we have to. I just cannot carry on with the heat anymore, its ridiculous its not living, its making me bloody depressed so anti-d's it is. Of course if my cancer wasn't Estrogen fuelled I would of probably opted for some form of Estrogen based therapy. If you want to know how this is going to pan out then watch this space I shall be monitoring everything, migraines, weight, side effects (which no doubt there are), and every other shitty thing that happens or maybe it might all be alright. ha yeah right.....

A new tablet to add to the already massive selection that I am taking which includes supplements urghh.... and all this from the girl who never took a tablet or went to the Dr's in her life!

Cancer is fucking bollox.

Ah it feels so good to swear my fucking head off, fuck fuck fuck you Cancer!

Blamers and Shamers

Another fabulous animation from Brené Brown explaining the truth about BLAME.

and interview with Oprah explaining the 6 worst people to share your SHAME with.

 

Blood tests, scans and anxiety....

Last friday I had my 3 monthly CT scan I'm waiting for results and as is the normal for my hospital it could be some time anything up to 8 weeks (I'm not kidding!!!!). On Tuesday I had my 3 weekly Herceptin shot in the leg which has left a big black bruise and tomorrow I go in for a blood test to verify the status of my thyroid and also to check my blood sugar levels straight after that I go onto the hospital for a heart scan (Herceptin affects your heart) so its been a week of scans, tests and anxiety. I always feel anxious waiting for results which is understandable but its also the anticipation of having to have a cannula put into one of my poor collapsed veins it stress me out no end, they never get it right or listen to me when I tell them don't try that hand etc so subsequently they try 3 times and then hand over to a doctor who invariably looks about 10!! who tells me not to worry it wont hurt and he'll/she'll find one and hey presto it always does bloody well hurt and they have a good poke around to try and find it. WHY DON'T THEY JUST USE MY FOOT urghhhhhhh...... its so fucking annoying.

Back on the tread mill...

I've had a mixed bag of a month and both ends of the scale extreme high's and rejoicing at selling one of my paintings for over a £1,000 pounds also at the other end so low I could lie down and die. Its is of course down to the hideous hormones and the equally horrible drugs with side effects that are keeping me alive urghhhhh....... its a conundrum and a pretty important one at that. One of the side effects of Zoladex is yet more weight gain and after feeling pretty good with myself about losing a stone I've now put on nearly half a stone and I'm pretty sure its down to the Zoladex oh fucking joy!

So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?

This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier.  June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.

Hospital keeping me on tender hooks AGAIN.....

So you might gather that from the title of this post its not gonna be a good post. Well back in early Oct I had a CT scan the usual 3 monthly one and was told to ring for a results appointment I did phone and had an appointment a week or so ago still no results but Onc assured me that all was going to be ok and that she would phone or write with the results as she didn't anticipate it being anything bad. Fast forward onto today and I have a letter asking me to book yet another CT scan and a blood test at my local GP's so on the face of it doesn't inspire me at all in fact I feel like total shit why can't they just tell me what the fuck is wrong!!!! I mean it is my body right! All this is it bad or isn't it bad shit just tears me apart its so stressful if I didn't have anything wrong before I'm gonna get ill just from the anxiety of it all. Bloody fucking shitty hospital will keep you posted and update this later as I've spoken with Onc's secretary and told her I need some answers by the end of today otherwise I shall just keep ringing and ringing and tomorrow I shall go up there until I know what the fuck is going on.