Wednesday 16 October 2013
Liar liar pants on fire....
It's been a couple of weeks since d-day where Onc told me of 'something' on my liver.... I had another CT scan just on my liver last week although they couldn't use the contrast dye as my veins were playing up so not sure how good the scan image will come out, got everything crossed it goes ok and they can see what they want to see and that it turns out to be nothing other than scar or fatty tissue. Feeling like a fraud because I told everyone the first scan came back ok, why did I do this because nobody seems to understand me well I say no one what I actually mean is everyone other than the poor women who also are afflicted with this shit. My best friend, my mum and dad, my auntie and cousins and my friends they just don't understand the hell I am going through. Its partly because they believe what they have been subjected to in the press about breast cancer no one ever discuss's metastatic breast cancer or secondaries, I have too explain to people what it is I've got. One of my good friends was of the opinion that I had primary lung cancer I had too explain that its breast cancer that has spread not primary lung cancer what makes it all the more harder is that this is such a complicated and individual disease. Another friend can't understand why I'm putting on weight I've told her its the Tamoxifen but she knows someone else who had primary breast cancer and who stopped taking the Tamoxifen after 2 years and in her words "she's not fat" I feel exasperated by this blinkered way of looking at what is a massively complicated subject. There is no hard and fast rule with this shit, if we could anticipate what was going to happen to everyone subjected to this disease we would be well on our way to a cure. This time I've lied, told a big fat porker so instead of having to reiterate the bad news to all I have kept it too myself and will continue to do so unless I absolutely have to. I'd rather tell a white lie than tell them the truth, this is my body, my bloody cancer, my shit and I'm in charge.
Saturday 5 October 2013
CT Scan Results........not good....
Hello everyone,
As the title of this post would suggest my latest yearly CT scan results are in and not good. The lung mets are still currently the same and classified as in a stable condition BUT 'something' is showing up on my liver at the moment and they (the docs) don't know what it is, so have requested that I have another CT scan asap to take a closer look. Onc. said "we did see it on your last scan" (which was a year ago!!!) and I suppose they were taking a watch and see approach, would of been nice if they'd of told me that was what they were doing!!! Anyway the upshot is we don't know what 'it' is on my liver just that something is showing up on the CT so in the next 2 weeks I should of had a another scan and d-day is the 1st of November.
Urghhhhhhhhh Obviously with a a stage IV dx of breast cancer anyway you always assume the worst, but I am trying to keep myself positive and upbeat, its like someone has tele-ported me back to that first day of being told "you have cancer" such a knock back feel dazed and confused about the whole thing and certainly was not expecting it, especially after all the juicing, supplement taking, and spiritual healing I've been doing, everyone say's I look really healthy, although my answer to that is "I looked really friggin healthy before I got cancer" thats the scary thing about this vile disease. I've decided not to tell my mum and dad yet I think I'll wait until we know what we are dealing with, I don't want to unduly upset them. I've told a couple of friends and treatment practitioners about it and found it helped to share the news and get it off my chest, also some of them needed to know as they don't seem to understand why I might seem distant or withdrawn at times by sharing this with them they get to understand why. Sometimes its harder to hide the truth and I don't need anymore crap at the moment. Feeling like I need to digest what has happened and meditate on healing, so going to spend the rest of the weekend with my brother Andy and partner Lee. Lee was with me at the appointment and as usual was my rock.
During the consultation we also discussed my hormonal status to which I've learned that I'm not through the blasted menopause not by a long shot so it seems I have to continue taking the bloody Tamoxifen, the onc. said with head tilted to one side "why so disappointed at not being through the menopause your so young" yeah true I'm 45 (42 when dx) but whats the point in going back to having periods when your bodies fucked with the drugs, chemo and menopause its not like I'm ever going to be able to have children is it? and as I'm plagued with major side effects from the Tamoxifen and the menopause I'd rather be through with it and move onto another drug that might be a bit more user friendly, honestly these docs say the most stupid things sometimes!
Got the scan in the next 2 weeks and appointment on the 1st so will keep you all posted as too the outcome.
Love and light to all
Sarah xxxx
As the title of this post would suggest my latest yearly CT scan results are in and not good. The lung mets are still currently the same and classified as in a stable condition BUT 'something' is showing up on my liver at the moment and they (the docs) don't know what it is, so have requested that I have another CT scan asap to take a closer look. Onc. said "we did see it on your last scan" (which was a year ago!!!) and I suppose they were taking a watch and see approach, would of been nice if they'd of told me that was what they were doing!!! Anyway the upshot is we don't know what 'it' is on my liver just that something is showing up on the CT so in the next 2 weeks I should of had a another scan and d-day is the 1st of November.
Urghhhhhhhhh Obviously with a a stage IV dx of breast cancer anyway you always assume the worst, but I am trying to keep myself positive and upbeat, its like someone has tele-ported me back to that first day of being told "you have cancer" such a knock back feel dazed and confused about the whole thing and certainly was not expecting it, especially after all the juicing, supplement taking, and spiritual healing I've been doing, everyone say's I look really healthy, although my answer to that is "I looked really friggin healthy before I got cancer" thats the scary thing about this vile disease. I've decided not to tell my mum and dad yet I think I'll wait until we know what we are dealing with, I don't want to unduly upset them. I've told a couple of friends and treatment practitioners about it and found it helped to share the news and get it off my chest, also some of them needed to know as they don't seem to understand why I might seem distant or withdrawn at times by sharing this with them they get to understand why. Sometimes its harder to hide the truth and I don't need anymore crap at the moment. Feeling like I need to digest what has happened and meditate on healing, so going to spend the rest of the weekend with my brother Andy and partner Lee. Lee was with me at the appointment and as usual was my rock.
During the consultation we also discussed my hormonal status to which I've learned that I'm not through the blasted menopause not by a long shot so it seems I have to continue taking the bloody Tamoxifen, the onc. said with head tilted to one side "why so disappointed at not being through the menopause your so young" yeah true I'm 45 (42 when dx) but whats the point in going back to having periods when your bodies fucked with the drugs, chemo and menopause its not like I'm ever going to be able to have children is it? and as I'm plagued with major side effects from the Tamoxifen and the menopause I'd rather be through with it and move onto another drug that might be a bit more user friendly, honestly these docs say the most stupid things sometimes!
Got the scan in the next 2 weeks and appointment on the 1st so will keep you all posted as too the outcome.
Love and light to all
Sarah xxxx
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