Monday 30 December 2013

2014 here we come....

Really looking forward to 2014 got a lot that IS going to happen. My partner Lee is going away to do a training course in Rigging he hopes this will set him up for a brand new career, I'm pleased he is moving forward and is not as bothered as he once was about leaving me at home alone. Lee is 13 years younger than myself and as a young man needs to feed his life he is still very young at 33 and deserves a positive break. The course is in Feb so I will be home alone for 3 weeks whilst he is there, when he does qualify it will mean he will be going away to work on a regular basis for 3 weeks stint but then he will also get 3 weeks off, the pay is excellent for this type of work so it means that when he is at home we can go off on holiday and really start enjoying life, we've been through so much together we both deserve something good to happen.

Once Lee has qualified and has done one 3 week stint the pay is so good we will be able to afford to move house which would be amazing! We love where we live but its tainted with whats happened here, yes its by the sea on the south coast of devon, yes its a beautiful area BUT and its a big one its got its down side like we've been here for 9 years we hardly know anyone not for want of trying but because people in these back waters tend to stick together and don't let anyone else in this is exasperated when you get dx with advanced breast cancer people tend to avoid me like the plague! The flat is in a great location but it has no central heating (only an open fire) very old 1950's night storage heaters that don't work properly and cost a fortune also no other services. We are surrounded by trees in quite a large wood sometimes this can get me down as its so dark and I can go for weeks without seeing anyone other than my cats. Solitude is good for the soul but too much of anything is not a good thing.

We are looking to move back up to Somerset and in particular looking at Glastonbury and the surrounding villages, my family don't live that far from this area and I have a lot more friends up there for support its a no brainer really. When we left Somerset 9 years ago it was for a fresh start and too be nearer the coastline and countryside I realise now that I miss the countryside and landscape of Somerset and have an idea about setting up studio/shop in Glastonbury this would really be like a dream come true. So moving is definitely on the cards, as is a new life and lifestyle. I instinctively feel this is a very positive move.


I hope and pray that 2014 will be a much better year and that for once all of my dreams come true. (I believe if you write it down it somehow makes it official and is more likely to come true) Here's my wish list and what I am cosmically ordering for 2014:

1. to continue to get well and healthy and to heal myself of breast cancer
2. for Lee to have some success with his new chosen career path
3. to move house somewhere on the outskirts of Glastonbury to a small cottage with its own garden
4. to be a successful, happy artist (self supporting financially) with my own studio/shop in Glastonbury
5. to have a pet dog and as I'm not going to have children a small dog would be wonderful
6. to go on holiday to the Norwegian Fjords

Happy New Year everyone.
Love and light to you all
Sarah xxxx

OMG.....

Apologies in advance to anyone reading this it is a bit of a downer and at xmas so if you don't want your happy bubble to burst I would recommend not reading it, but hey thats life and I feel the need to get this out of my system and share it.

Oh my God is a phrase we all use these day's its used to exclaim your shock at something usually something trivial but today I received an email from Chris Woollams of CancerActive to which I used the phrase OMG and not on something trivial! This simple line was what made me exclaim it "infection as a cause of cancer" the article looks into the possible link between either parasites or infection as a trigger for cancer here's a link to the article http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=1245 the reason why this was an OMG moment, because just prior to my own dx I had a virus a bad virus the doctor was called out and I was given a shot to stop me being sick I was very ill for a couple of months then early in the following year I was dx with breast cancer so you see why this is an OMG moment I believe this is what triggered my cells to mutate and that I was just plain unlucky. When I dwell on this thought I feel intrinsically that this is the cause for me anyway.

Weirdly enough this year I am again plagued by a bad virus started off with all the expected symptoms of a bad cold/flu sore throat, nose blowing, shivering, feeling hot cold and generally out of sorts infact its got so bad I went to the Dr just before xmas and he confirmed that I do indeed have a very bad lung infection to which penicillin has been prescribed, whilst the anti biotics are starting to kick in I still feel really ill and now have the added gastric gut pain. I haven't been able to go away for xmas as planned, I haven't seen any of my family or friends not only because I don't feel well enough to travel but also because I don't want any of them to catch it. So spent yesterday on the sofa just me and the cats, no xmas diner for me just a bowl of soup as have no food in because we didn't plan on being here. Its been another shit xmas, next year I wont get my hopes up like I did this year and should of known that something was going to go wrong although I didn't bank on it being my fucking body again. So there it is everyone a not so merry xmas for me and unfortunately I'm probably not the only one to feel this way on xmas day, thankfully I've woken up to blue skies and some sunshine on Boxing Day.

Monday 9 December 2013

True hope at christmas....

Hi all,
The post today is about anniversary's or in my case cancerversary here's a link to an article written in the New York Times by someone who also shares a cancerversary and here's how he celebrates it and what it means to him, an excellent piece of writing well worth a read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/08/fashion/Cancer-Survivors-five-year-Celebration-Day-known-as-cancerversary.html?smid=pl-share

I found this article brought a warm fuzzy feeling the kind that an open fire on a cold winters night can bring in a word comfort, its hard living with an incurable stage IV terminal disease, each year that passes makes you become more and more complacent in your life. The first year I was like a raw nerve on tender hooks every time I was called by the hospital or scanned then as the years progress I'm finding myself falling back into the happy blissful complacent place I was in before all of this shit started. Of course you never really forget its always there everyday I'm reminded in some small way that I have this disease I suppose its part of our innate capacity as human beings for survival that we shove the shit under the carpet and to coin a phrase keep calm and carry on.

True hope is the message carried in the article and whilst no one knows why we got cancer we can be grateful for riding the shit storm and coming out the other side albeit not smelling of roses but still in one piece. We are after all still here, still breathing and living if there's one thing we should all do and that is to live in this perfect moment this second in time, enjoy and love the life your living.

....... Merry Xmas everyone.......
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Thursday 21 November 2013

I found hope in a hopeless place......

A slight change to the words in Rihanna's song to  "I've found hope in a hopeless place" finally someone has experienced the same side effects on Tamoxifen that I have, finally they acknowledge what I've been going, finally I've found some hope....

My ankles hurt and when I say hurt I mean a lot to the extent that when really bad I can't walk apart from the fact that I've put on nearly 5 stone in weight for the first time in my life and I find just getting around hard work, being a size 8 all my life and now an 18+ I was not prepared for this side effect and it seems neither were some of my friends and family. Since the weight gain I've hid out in our flat down in Devon (most of my friends and family live in Somerset), my best friend walked straight past me in the street and I haven't seen that much of her all year. Obviously this has been hugely upsetting but I pushed through it all and finally accepted the new fatter me then the ankle pain started only slight at first now its a real problem making it impossible for me too walk on the bad days and on the good days I hobble around, of course this doesn't help with exercise and trying to loose weight. Here's a copy of a  a response from Belinda a fellow breast cancer patient who has given me hope....

Hi Sarah, yes to everything you mentioned. Something that helps if you have the painful backs of ankle pain I had. Before getting out of bed, lay flat on your back, legs outstretched so you can feel the mattress on the backs of your knees.

Keeping legs still pull toes up towards you, gently, 4 or 5 times. You're gently stretching the ligaments. Sounds a silly little exercise but it helped me with the painful hobble to the bathroom on waking.

I put on 4 stone while on Tamoxifen. I did lose it all when Tamoxifen stopped working for me and I'm now 4-5 dress sizes smaller than when I was at my heaviest. My advice is don't beat yourself up about the weight gain it's not your fault. I became a little bit clever with pretty scarves that could be drapped, tied to distract and disguise. How about an appointment with the pain clinic at your hospital to see if they have something effective and fast acting for the migraines? Take Care..x

I cannot express how much this post means to me it confirms that I'm not going mad, that others are suffering with these severe side effects and that at the end of it all I could loose all the weight I've put on, like the the title of this post I've found some hope......

Wednesday 6 November 2013

and breath.......results are in.....and its brilliant.....

Sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog but I've been very busy and admit to completely forgetting about posting!!! which is unusual for me. Anyway back to the post and what is going on with me and my 'something' on the liver. I went for an oncology appointment on the 1st of Nov as per usual a registrar walked in the room and just to complicate things further she's indian not that I'm racist but her pigeon english made it hard to understand exactly what she was saying, luckily whilst we (thats me and my partner Lee) were waiting for the Dr. my BCN walked past the room and popped into to see me, she expressed an interest in why I was there (which amazed me as she's not shown that much interest in me before) she asked if she could be present in the room when the Dr. told me the outcome of the latest CT scan on my liver and I told her of course.

So the Dr. walks into the room and starts to go on about 2 lesions on my liver (yes I was sat there in total shock as no one had ever mentioned anything about lesions) she also said "but of course you knew that" too which I replied "uh no, I didn't know anything about lesions on my Liver I was told something like a shadow" at this point I'm starting to well up and I'm getting a bit angry because she's not understanding the whole reason I'm there is to get the results not too be told stuff I knew already that doesn't make any fucking sense does it!!!! It was at this point that my BCN pipped up (first time ever!!) "has Sarah got breast cancer spread on her liver? or not?" Dr. responds "we think it is fatty tissue and the lumps on the liver are benign (ie: not growing) I'm thinking thank fuck for that and was visibly relieved, BCN also looked relieved then BCN left the room and came back in with my actual oncologist Dr. K. I haven't seem him for nearly 2 years as I either got fobbed off with a registrar and in some part because he was dx with liver cancer a year ago and has been fighting it. He looked well and was very pleased to see me, he told me that "I'm not worried about your Liver its just fatty tissue (probably to do with the chemo and weight gain) and I'm not worried about your Lungs either they are stable and nothing is moving on that front.

We spoke about my treatment ie: Herceptin and Tamoxifen to which he told me they couldn't do anything about the Tamoxifen but he was going to suggest that I transfer from IV Herceptin to sub-cut Herceptin very soon in fact I've just had my last Herceptin by IV the next one will be sub-cut Herceptin. Pretty good job as my veins are pretty shot to pieces and I now live in dread of the next IV (the sub cut will be injected into good old fatty tissue to which I said "I've got enough of that" All in all it was one of the best onc. appt. I've ever had and I let out a huge sigh of relief on the way out the receptionist heard me and said " I presume it was good news, bless you" she's a lovely lady it must be hard working  in there as you get to know all the patients by first name, some survive and some don't, bloody hard job.

Wednesday 16 October 2013

Liar liar pants on fire....

It's been a couple of weeks since d-day where Onc told me of 'something' on my liver.... I had another CT scan just on my liver last week although they couldn't use the contrast dye as my veins were playing up so not sure how good the scan image will come out, got everything crossed it goes ok and they can see what they want to see and that it turns out to be nothing other than scar or fatty tissue. Feeling like a fraud because I told everyone the first scan came back ok, why did I do this because nobody seems to understand me well I say no one what I actually mean is everyone other than the poor women who also are afflicted with this shit. My best friend, my mum and dad, my auntie and cousins and my friends they just don't understand the hell I am going through. Its partly because they believe what they have been subjected to in the press about breast cancer no one ever discuss's metastatic breast cancer or secondaries, I have too explain to people what it is I've got. One of my good friends was of the opinion that I had primary lung cancer I had too explain that its breast cancer that has spread not primary lung cancer what makes it all the more harder is that this is such a complicated and individual disease. Another friend can't understand why I'm putting on weight I've told her its the Tamoxifen but she knows someone else who had primary breast cancer and who stopped taking the Tamoxifen after 2 years and in her words "she's not fat" I feel exasperated by this blinkered way of looking at what is a massively complicated subject. There is no hard and fast rule with this shit, if we could anticipate what was going to happen to everyone subjected to this disease we would be well on our way to a cure. This time I've lied, told a big fat porker so instead of having to reiterate the bad news to all I have kept it too myself and will continue to do so unless I absolutely have to. I'd rather tell a white lie than tell them the truth, this is my body, my bloody cancer, my shit and I'm in charge.

Saturday 5 October 2013

CT Scan Results........not good....

Hello everyone,

As the title of this post would suggest my latest yearly CT scan results are in and not good. The lung mets are still currently the same and classified as in a stable condition BUT 'something' is showing up on my liver at the moment and they (the docs) don't know what it is, so have requested that I have another CT scan asap to take a closer look. Onc. said "we did see it on your last scan" (which was a year ago!!!) and I suppose they were taking a watch and see approach, would of been nice if they'd of told me that was what they were doing!!! Anyway the upshot is we don't know what 'it' is on my liver just that something is showing up on the CT so in the next 2 weeks I should of had a another scan and d-day is the 1st of November.

Urghhhhhhhhh Obviously with a a stage IV dx of breast cancer anyway you always assume the worst, but I am trying to keep myself positive and upbeat, its like someone has tele-ported me back to that first day of being told "you have cancer" such a knock back feel dazed and confused about the whole thing and certainly was not expecting it, especially after all the juicing, supplement taking, and spiritual healing I've been doing, everyone say's I look really healthy, although my answer to that is "I looked really friggin healthy before I got cancer" thats the scary thing about this vile disease. I've decided not to tell my mum and dad yet I think I'll wait until we know what we are dealing with, I don't want to unduly upset them. I've told a couple of friends and treatment practitioners about it and found it helped to share the news and get it off my chest, also some of them needed to know as they don't seem to understand why I might seem distant or withdrawn at times by sharing this with them they get to understand why. Sometimes its harder to hide the truth and I don't need anymore crap at the moment. Feeling like I need to digest what has happened and meditate on healing, so going to spend the rest of the weekend with my brother Andy and partner Lee. Lee was with me at the appointment and as usual was my rock.

During the consultation we also discussed my hormonal status to which I've learned that I'm not through the blasted menopause not by a long shot so it seems I have to continue taking the bloody Tamoxifen, the onc. said with head tilted to one side "why so disappointed at not being through the menopause your so young" yeah true I'm 45 (42 when dx) but whats the point in going back to having periods when your bodies fucked with the drugs, chemo and menopause its not like I'm ever going to be able to have children is it? and as I'm plagued with major side effects from the Tamoxifen and the menopause I'd rather be through with it and move onto another drug that might be a bit more user friendly, honestly these docs say the most stupid things sometimes!

Got the scan in the next 2 weeks and appointment on the 1st so will keep you all posted as too the outcome.
Love and light to all
Sarah xxxx

Monday 9 September 2013

Latest news on Tamoxifen.....

I keep getting weird coincidence the latest one is related to the bane of my life Tamoxifen. Some of you may remember that I suffer with severe side effects taking this drug I've been on it since Oct 2011 and am supposed to be on it for 5 years. Recently due to the hideous side effects I have been considering stopping taking this drug and figured that I'd been on it for 2 years and couldn't take anymore of its bullshit!!! However 2 media releases have come to my attention one is on the radio here's the link http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b039d4b6 its right at the beginning of the programme and only lasts for 15 mins well worth a listen, basically they talk about the lack of support offered to women who are considering stopping the drug, why women want to stop taking the drug, and its associated side effects. The other was on Sky and my spiritual healer saw the programme and relayed the information to me. It would seem that there is a 2 year itch with this drug where the side effects if suffered from are so severe women are not taking it and sadly dying as a result. Obviously there needs to be some form of follow up support for women taking this drug as its completely understandable why women choose to stop taking it because the side effects can be extreme. Side effects range from severe weight gain (I've put on 4 stone in 2 years for the first time in my life and have gone from a size 8 - 18 overnight!!! I don't eat anything really different so its not food related apart from the fact that I don't eat wheat, dairy, or red meat), chronic migraines at least 3 a week this is so debilitating I have too spend the day on strong pain killers and in a dark room in bed, arthritic pain in both ankles and wrists/hands so bad that on occasion I can't walk, hot flushes I literally pour with sweat and go bright red in the face this makes me not want to go out so exasperating a lack of confidence and trust in my own body and its functions apart from the fact it makes me feel so ill. Not everyone taking the drug will suffer with these side effects but those of us who do its absolute hell. One of the best suggestions on the Radio 4 programme was for a 3 month drug holiday, my own Onc. suggested a one week break to which I replied that its not worth it and not long enough she certainly made it quite clear that I should not stop taking it and that she in no way would agree with me doing this. I put it too her that my oestrogen count was only 4/8 and not 8/8 (so my cancer is fed weakly by oestrogen) she told me that that only means that I will die a bit later than someone who is 8/8!!!!! meaning it wouldn't get me as fast as if I was 8/8. ughhhhhhhhhhh I also put it too her that the dammed Tamoxifen is making me put on so much weight and that obese women are in the high risk category so surely the one thing is cancelling out the other, she told me that news reports about obese women being in a high risk category was nonsense!!!!! ughhhhhhhhh it would seem I am stuck on this fucking drug for the time being or until I literally can't take anymore and go do dally on the blasted stuff. Its sending me round the bend already and I honestly don't know what to do about it, I feel at the end of my tether. Anyone reading this who has some answers please share and email me. Thanks xx

CT scan and Beliefs and Prayers.......

Its been a year since my last CT scan so I was due for one, arrived at the hospital early on Sunday morning (they are so busy they need to keep the scanner working 24 hours a day) waited for half an hour and then was taken by a very tall chinese doctor with an umbrella out to a mobile unit (I've never had this procedure done in a mobile unit before) it was raining and in spite of the umbrella we still got very wet, then what seemed like an age before they finally got the needle in and that familiar taste of metal and the feeling of wanting to pee came over me the actual scan only takes 10 mins at the most but its all the other stuff that takes so long. By the time we got home I was feeling sick and headachy so took some codeine and later due to that not working a sumatriptan. Now its back to the waiting game and my follow up appointment on the 4th of October.

I've done quite a lot of research on all things cancer and what you can do to help yourself but I'm feeling a bit out on a limb at the moment so decided to give Penny Brohn Centre a call and book up on a free Living Well Course, the centre is in Bristol and basically I would like to find out if I'm doing the right things ie: juicing and not eating dairy or meat and to speak with someone whose a proper trained nutritionist find out if I'm lacking in anything would be good apart from all of that its free and you stay at the centre overnight which is a beautiful old building on the outskirts of the city, I feel the need to meet up with others who are on a similar journey and more importantly who are actively helping themselves to thrive and survive.

 Its been really hard recently as 3 of the women from the chat group on FB have died two of which share the same name 'Sarah', I used to chat to both of these lovely ladies outside of the FB group and can't quite believe that they are gone, its knocked the wind out of me and I feel the need to distance myself further from all things breast cancer, I suppose what I'm saying is that trying to live with these constant deaths and upsets aren't really helping me stay positive. The women that have passed away I knew through the FB chat group and the BCC forum and as far as I know they didn't really try going down the holistic approach, I'm still juicing although not daily as I can't afford it, I do it  3 times a week and drink predominately green organic juice, also as far as I am aware I am the only one who goes to a spiritual healer and the bottom line is I'm the only one doing very well on this regime, obviously I do take Tamoxifen and have Herceptin but I also try all the alternatives when I can afford it and will actively follow the advice given by healers and practitioners. Some of the alternatives are free. I wish the others would give them a go, but you can't tell someone what to believe in, they have to find it for themselves. All I can do is pray for those still fighting and send some absent healing with love and light.

Tuesday 13 August 2013

Natures Nudge.....

I was awoken this morning at stupid oclock (5am) to an ecstatically happy cat rubbing himself all over me, purring his head off all because..... because he was hungry, nope, because he wanted to go out yes in part but mainly because it was a new morning, a new day, and he was over joyed to be alive, he's given me a gentle nudge and reminded me that life is something to be rejoiced and revelled in. So this post is too thank my beautiful cat Ted whom I love with all my heart and who never ceases to amaze me. Bless you Ted and Mitzi I love you both.
Stretchy Ted xx




Sunday 11 August 2013

Got Van the Man's song on my mind....

I've posted before about certain songs that I either wake up with in my head or quite simply can't get out of my head Dweller on the Threshold by Van Morrison is he later of those songs I always feel there is a divine message in this and have looked into the lyrics here they are:

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more

I have seen without perceiving
I have been another man
Let me pierce the realm of glamour
So I know just what I am

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more

Feel the Angel of the Presence
In the mighty crystal fire
Lift me up consume my darkness
Let me travel even higher

I'm a dweller on the threshold
As I cross the burning ground
Let me go down to the water
Watch the great illusion drown

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more

I'm gonna turn and face the music
The music of the spheres
Lift me up consume my darkness
When the midnight disappears

I will walk out of the darkness
And I'll walk into the light
And I'll sing the song of ages
And the dawn will end the night

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I cross some burning ground
And I'll go down to the water
Let the great illusion drown

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more

I'm a dweller on the threshold
Dweller on the threshold
I'm a dweller on the threshold

So what does it all mean??? I think anyone dx with a serious illness is a dweller on the threshold the threshold meaning between two worlds life and the afterlife. Those affected live in a weird twilight world not separate but also not a total part of this wonderful world I love this song.

Here's a you tube link for anyone who doesn't know the track http://youtu.be/KhdUha-ecBc enjoy! xx

Tuesday 30 July 2013

Fun in the Sun....

Its been a while since I posted mainly due to the arrival of summer in all her glory, living in South Devon we are spoilt for choice when it comes to gorgeous beaches and plenty of messing around on the water, so as you will of gathered I have been playing and enjoying myself instead of moaning and feeling depressed, its true the weather really does play an important role in your mental health. I've spent a fair few hours swimming in the sea (it really was that hot!) the sea salt worked wonders on my poor arm, I got bitten by another horse fly and reacted very badly too it, my whole arm swelled up luckily not my affected side but unfortunately the side the nurse has to stick the needle in for my Herceptin, so I got a week off the stuff to allow the arm to heal and just in case it turned into septicaemia! Horse fly's are utter bastards!

As far as planet Cancer is concerned I have some shocking news my best friend's sister in law aged early 50's was diagnosed with Lung Cancer which by the time they had found it had spread onto all of her bones it took two weeks from being diagnosed to her passing, everyone is left in complete shock she leaves behind 3 daughters the youngest is 15, its crazy shit and it doesn't get more scarier than that.

As far as my cancer is concerned I'm ok at the moment, I've been and seen my Onc. who agrees with me about the dammed Tamoxifen, I kid you not when I say I've put on 4 stone!!! this is just crazy weight gain never before have I been this big I was always a size 8!!!! so this along with my very very achey cramped legs and feet have made my Onc. request a ton of blood tests and if they come back ok then she really will have too do something about the Tamoxifen I have way too many side effects and she told me that if I am post menopausal then I have a far greater choice of hormonal drugs to try, an appointment is booked for the results at the end of August and as always I will keep you informed. Another slight annoyance is an itch on my left breast (I had an itch on my right breast and then found advanced BC!) its gone today and I'm praying it was just something itchy in my top that was annoying me of course it doesn't help being so blasted hot and bothered (hot flush central) I now sleep with the fan pointing at my face and I am happy to report it works yipeeeee!!!

That just about wraps it up for today's post of course I will keep you all informed about results etc but in the mean time enjoy the remainder of the summer and treasure those blissful moments. xxx

Tuesday 9 July 2013

Breakdown in the mall.....

Decided to go shopping today prior to going I did have a headache coming on and I'm not sure whether or not that had some bearing on my mini breakdown in the shopping mall. I think I'm never gonna go shopping especially for clothes again. I am now a size 16 everything else was way too tight, can't quite believe I'm actually a size 16 I've spent the past 30 years being a size 8-10, I look in the mirror in  the changing room and I don't recognise myself let alone anybody else and that includes my best friend who completely blanked me in the street because she didn't recognise me, it is that bad, not only am I the size of a house I am also sweating profusely whilst puffing and panting like an old lady, its just so so sad, and its now getting too me so much so I broke down in the middle of the shopping mall today cried my eyes out, I think its because I don't really see that many people we live in such an isolated rural location that when I do go out I notice other women and can't help but mourn the loss of my old slim self, its not good on any level, even my rings don't fit me anymore I've got a couple of silver rings that go back too when I was 21 that fitted me up until this fucking shit happened to me and it is the fucking drugs making me put on this weight so utterly annoying and so hard I'm trying to be up beat and positive trying to eat right and exercise yet I'm still piling the weight on, I'm at the end of my tether and feel the only thing I can do is stop taking the tamoxifen, I realise this might seem a bit extreme to whom ever is reading it and it may come across a tad un-grateful BUT please believe me when I say I've thought about this long and hard the figures for my oestrogen were 4/8 so my cancer is only weakly feeding on oestrogen. The timeline for my treatment goes like this, I didn't start taking the tamoxifen until after my surgery up until that point I was on chemo which stopped in July 2011 and herceptin on its own ever since, then I had surgery in the September and started taking the tamoxifen in the October I feel this kind of proves that the tamoxifen is the culprit to the weight gain and the terrible joint pain as I only started suffering from these symptoms since starting the the drug up until that point I was fine well as fine as anyone doing tax chemo can be.  I believe my miracle drug is herceptin and have done all along. The other major side effect is the joint pain is unbearable at times I hobble so bad I can hardly walk, my thumbs ache all the time and are getting worse to the point where I feel I can't write or type (if I was working I'd be sacked by now). The downside to all the gorgeous hot weather is that I am now on at least 40 major hot flushes a day I sweat constantly and the only respite I get from them is if I stick my head in the freezer or plonk myself in front of the oscillating fan (which by the way is a god send and I highly recommend it if your suffering) (I have too have it on all night otherwise I don't sleep) they really are quite wicked!

So you see I've got to do something about this and the only thing I can do is stop taking tamoxifen, I have an oncology appointment on monday and will try to discuss this with them but I know they will tell me not to stop taking it that I must take it, its a really hard decision to take but surely quality of life is important as much as saving your life, I mean whats the point in taking a drug thats saving your life but making you as miserable as hell and quite frankly suicidal which is where I'm at at the moment, its not very life affirming thinking terrible thoughts like I want out, or stop the world I wanna get off and its all because of the side effect from taking this dam drug. Will keep you all informed of my dilemma and my ultimate decision.

Saturday 6 July 2013

Its an epidemic....

So I watched the wonderful Glastonbury Festival at the weekend on the TV as I couldn't afford to attend and I probably wouldn't have the necessary stamina for sleeping in a tent also getting up and down and needing to sit down could become a problem. By far the best bands were Chic feat. Nile Rogers and the Stones. I love love loved Chic's performance they were smooth, slick and ultra cool with their classic disco tracks I found the whole thing so uplifting I downloaded the show and have had it continually on my computer in my art studio, I was surprised to learn that Nile is a super talent and has written countless songs for other superstars like David Bowie, Diana Ross, and the biggest surprise was Daft Punk 'Get Lucky' which is at number 1 in the charts as I write this, the man is pure genius and I love how the music lifted me. So I just googled his name and came up with his website www.nilerogers.com on that website I was shocked to learn that he is also a cancer survivor he had extremely aggressive prostrate cancer and he writes about his experiences with the big c on a blog http://nilerodgers.com/blogs well worth checking it out he say's it like it is when your living in the shadow of cancer but its also incredibly life affirming. If the music doesn't get to you then the blog will. Its like a cancer radar so many people recently are either losing their fight or just diagnosed in the past 2 weeks 4 people I know have been dx with some form of this terrible disease, one of them was dx just last week with bone cancer and apparently has been given days to live!!! What is this shit? why so many people being affected? what is going on? surely we must be somewhere nearer to finding out what causes cancer, its doing my head in, everywhere I turn its there like a bad smell lingering. It feels like its at epidemic proportions, is it the end of humanity? I'm at a complete loss?

Changed name.....

Hi all, just a quick note to explain that I've changed the name of this blog from 'Surviving the beast within' to Living with SBC (secondary breast cancer). I decided that the old title was too dramatic and I wanted to tone down the 'Beast' part so I've changed it to something that is a true description of what I am actually doing which is living with it. Hope this doesn't confuse anyone and apologies in advance if its inconvenienced anyone. Sending you all love and light sarah xxx

Friday 5 July 2013

Where's your head at?

Ok so I think its about time I filled you in on where I'm at at this particular moment in time. Obviously I'm still receiving Herceptin and taking daily Tamoxifen, I haven't had a whole body CT scan for about 8 month's now and feel I've gradually slipped into my new life post Cancer. However, I'm not the same person I was before and have changed almost everything about myself and my life. I continue to eat healthy and avoid red meat (I only eat free range chicken once a month) other than that I eat fish, eggs and pro-biotic organic yoghurt. I try to juice at least 3 times a week (I was doing this daily for just over 2 years) I've cut it down as I've started to feel better and believe juicing 3 times a week is sufficient in keeping my body both alkaline and healthy.  I continue to go for healing at least once a week this is very necessary and life re-affirming, I can't live without it. I try to meditate daily or at the very least weekly and I attend a weekly meditation group where we concentrate on healing. Yoga has become a weekly practice which also helps with the meditation. Another massive plus is I've started painting again and I feel ok about it. I'm in the middle of painting a couple of new collections and finished off old paintings this has proved to be quite cathartic and has brought me a new lease of life.

Occasionally I slip into my old mind set but I do recognise that this is not healthy and more importantly I am aware of it and try to nip it in the bud before it takes hold of me. Negative thought patterns are not tolerated anymore. This is easier said than done of course as the mind is a powerful manipulator, it also doesn't help when other people pass away or deteriorate with this disease, I can't help getting upset when someone passes even though I know they are going 'home' back to their natural spiritual state. I try to remind myself that this reaction to someones passing is natural and needs to be embraced worked through and ultimately let go of.

In answer to the title of this post my head is in a good place at the moment, I am positive and I've started to plan for the future something I never thought I'd be able to do especially on the work front. I've decided that I want to become a further education teacher possibly teaching foundation in art at a college as well as finishing my current paintings is my goal at the moment, myself and my partner have other plans but I'm going to try and stay focused on my current projects.

Thursday 4 July 2013

Causes of Cancer environmental or emotional..........

The blog Spiritual-light-on-Cancer asks the question Causes of Cancer: Environmental or Emotional? Fiona asks questions through a spiritual medium and receives answers from her Guides, this particular post looks at the causes of cancer asking is it environmental or emotional? this is an excellent question and totally unique response.

FIONA: I am thinking about the causes of cancer. Some say it is caused by toxic emotions; others that it is caused by environment toxins. Can you shed any light on this? GUIDES: Yes. We take you back to what we initially said on this subject. Cancer is one of the ways the body will choose as a means to exit life. When you are looking to exit life the body will begin to accumulate matter in the body as the system becomes sluggish towards life in general. Think about it. You move less when you are unhappy and your thoughts become far more polluted in their nature. The mechanisms for exit can be physical in nature. But by the time they become physical in nature, such as the body has manifested a mass or masses, which can be diagnosed as cancer, there has been a great build up to this point. Although it seems to those of you diagnosed it has been overnight, there has been a build up towards this. Now all of you are right in thinking that it is a genetic issue, and that it is a mental issue, and that it is a toxic issue. The mechanism that causes the manifestation of disease in the individual is individual. But what must be noticed is the commonality with all of you that end up with a diagnosis of cancer, is that there has been an activation of the desire to exit life. For most of you this will have been on an unconscious, subconscious level. You will probably not have realised you are doing this so you must look to reclaim your joire de vivre. This is the most important message we can ever give you . You understand this, Fiona. This becomes difficult for you when you see it manifesting in other ways in other people. You have been to the point where you are considering your own mortality and you know how it feels. You know how it feels to try and get a sense of self and a sense of living back. It is hard. It is much easier to become more full of life without a diagnosis of cancer than it is with one. However, should you wish to remain healthy and you have the strength to do so, engage with life. How do you do this? This is individual to each of you. It will be important that all of you think about what you need to do for your healing. If your body has a level of toxicity or pollutants in it, then cleanse it. But do this lovingly- not aggressively- for cleansing the body aggressively simply adds more of the wrong input into the system. What do we mean? It is simply another thing about how bad my life is. We would rather you ate a chocolate bar at this point, if that is what would make you happier. All of you who are willing to do so, please take a look at the contents of your thoughts. You are not taught to think about your thoughts. You are not taught that you are a creator of your thoughts. Instead you are left with a mind that talks and many of you for want of a better word or phrase aren’t aware of the direction you are driving yourself. So when you come to a stop such as a diagnosis of cancer, and you do not wish for your life to end, it is time to turn around.

Taken from the excellent blog http://spiritual-light-on-cancer.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/causes-of-cancer-enviromental-or.html

Incredible story.......

Follow this link to a story about a young woman with breast cancer that healed herself via faith and juicing enjoy http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/ashlies-breast-cancer-miracle/

Thursday 27 June 2013

Smart Bombs

Interesting link to an article about Smart Bombs and the possible end to chemotherapy.
http://edition.cnn.com/2013/06/26/health/time-chemo/index.html?sr=sharebar_facebook

My cancer buddie....

I am so so sad, at 1.30 today my dear friend and fellow cancer patient Sarah passed away I've just found out and feel devastated. I had never met her but we had a lot in common. When I was first dx she came to my aid and offered a virtual shoulder to cry on when I was going through the worst of it, she inspired me as another creative (she was an art teacher) I could relate to her on many levels. Every time I pick up my paint brush, or attempt to knit I shall remember my dear dear friend. RIP Sarah G. (aka cromercrab on BCC forum) we shall all miss you I thank the lord she's no longer suffering and pray her transition into the next life was peaceful and calm.  When anyone dies from the SBC group I find it so hard to carry on it takes all my strength to pick myself up and carry on fighting such a blow really does take your breath away. So many have now passed away since I was dx, this is just terrible news. God rest you Sarah G. you were an amazing woman and you shall be missed love to all xxx

Monday 24 June 2013

Whole Body Photodynamic Therapy.....Amazing Results......

Found this post on the BCC forum informing of a new therapy called Photodynamic (PDT) the peice is so well written and describes exactly what the treatment is, does and more importantly how it works.  and believe this would benefit anyone faced with advanced stage IV cancer who has given up hope I'm also posting this here so that I can find it again if I need to. It seems like a lot to read but its so worth it, utterly amazing.

The treatment is called whole body photodynamic therapy (PDT) and it’s pretty amazing. For most people it is painless, non-intrusive, has no side effects, and can be repeated as many times as necessary until the cancer is gone with no reduction in effectiveness. It seems to work on all types of cancer, is used as a first line treatment for primary cancers as well as on very advanced cancers, and for many patients it even initiates an immune response that can help the body to start fighting the cancer itself. Results have been astonishing, with many stage 4 patients experiencing complete remission – it’s too early to tell whether it is a cure for advanced cancers, but I’ve talked to oncologists working in the field who believe it is.

To explain how it works, I need to back up a little.Conventional localised (ie not wholebody) PDT has been available for over a hundred years, has a success rate of 98%, and is widely used for skin and oesophageal cancers. The inventor got a Nobel Prize for his work. It works by introducing a Photosensitising Agent (PA) into the tumour, which as the name suggests makes the cells sensitive to light in a specific spectrum. Most PAs are based on chlorophyll from plants, so are totally harmless to normal cells. The PA enters the cancer cells, and when exposed to light of a certain wavelength a chemical reaction occurs, which produces singlet oxygen. If the light source is strong it produces enough singlet oxygen to literally pop the cancer cell and destroy it immediately - the process takes 45 seconds. If the light source is weaker, it can damage the cell enough that it will eventually die. The limitation of this treatment has been that it can only be used on cancers very close to the skin or where a light probe can reach them like the throat, because the light wavelength used only travels a cm or so into the body. Also the PA can leave the area treated sensitive to light for many months, so patients have to stay inside or buy a burka! The huge new development is that the Russians and Chinese, after over 20 years and billions of pounds worth of research, have developed PDT into a system that can be used to treat the whole body in the way that chemo does, but without damaging healthy cells, hence no side effects. This is pretty much the Holy Grail of cancer therapy.

The system available in China (http://www.nextgenerationpdt.com/ )uses a PA based on spirulina. You ingest the PA by drinking a foul green liquid, and also breathing it in through a nebuliser. The PA has been chemically engineered to lodge in all cancer cells, but to leave healthy cells after 10 hours – it will also cross the blood/brain barrier to work on brain tumours. As the PA leaves healthy cells so quickly, there is no issue with leaving the body sensitive to light – I was sunbathing by the hotel pool immediately after treatment! So the day after ingesting the PA, when it has left all healthy cells, the whole body is exposed to a light source in the near infra-red spectrum that can travel up to 10cms into the body. You lie a lightbed similar to a sunbed, with LED light directed from every angle. The 10cm light penetration is enough to get to every area of the body for a normal sized person, and to kill individual cancer cells circulating in the bloodstream. In addition, areas of concern or known tumours can be treated with strong localised lasers. Large or deep seated tumours can be treated with an interstitial light probe directly into the tumour.

The protocol for treatment depends on the severity of the cancer – I just had the lightbed and lasers, so it was painless and non-intrusive, with no side-effects. The interstitial probes can be uncomfortable for a few seconds, and large tumours will swell as they break up which can cause discomfort and some feel feverish for a few days – this is the start of the immune system recognising the cancer. A single course lasts 8 days, with 4 light treatments. The recommendation for advanced cancer is 3 courses of 8 days each, with a two week gap in between each course.

There are some limitations to the treatment, for example if a tumour is situated where the swelling could be dangerous (ie too near the heart), or if it is wrapped around a major blood vessel that could rupture as the tumour disintegrates, it would be too dangerous to treat. They also specify a minimum life expectancy of 3 months as the treatment can take time to work on very large tumours – people for whom it has been unsuccessful are generally those where the cancer was advancing faster than the PDT could work. Bone tumours are also harder to treat than soft tissue as light can’t travel as far through bone.

I was treated at a clinic in Guangzhou called Next Generation Photo Dynamic Therapy (NGPDT), which is owned and operated by an Australian/ Chinese company. They are a private clinic with patients coming from all over the world, and are planning a major expansion into 63 countries – they hope to be in the UK within 2 years. A similar but not identical system is available in Chinese hospitals for locals. A recent trial of NGPDT in Beijing on advanced lung cancer patients, who usually have a very poor prognosis, had 1 and 2 year survival rates of 94% and 71% respectively, compared to 68% and 32% for the control chemo and rads group. The NGPDT patients had complete remission in 56% of cases, and partial remission in a further 21%. Details here:http://meetinglibrary.asco.org/content/113379-132. A second trial in Australia on prostate and bladder cancers is in phase 2, and when complete should satisfy the regulatory requirements to bring the treatment to the UK.

When I was in China I met people being treated for a large range of cancers, most were very sick and had exhausted all other treatment options other than palliative care (I was not their typical patient, having a very light cancer load). These are the hardest cases to treat, weakened by years of chemo, but even so, everyone I met seemed to be responding. An Australian woman with a large inoperable brain tumour had a 60% reduction in tumour volume after 2 courses of treatment, and was regaining speech and balance. An Irish guy with lung cancer that had spread pretty much everywhere (he described his PET scan as lighting up like a Christmas tree) had cancer in only 1 lymph node after 3 courses. An American guy with large lung tumours described having an interstitial probe and being able to hear the tumours fizzing as they dissolved, and an immediate relief from the pain they were causing. I could go on and on – but you can see some of these people yourself being interviewed on Youtube.

As for me, I had no active tumours big enough to show up on a scan when I was treated, so there is no way of knowing how successful it has been – I will have to wait and see. Although I am currently NED having successfully treated bone and liver mets, I know my cancer will recur at some stage, so this treatment was an attempt to prevent that. I went with the blessing of my onc, who had wanted me to have a course of chemo following my liver ablation. I declined the chemo and had NGPDT instead. I have decided never to have chemo or rads again. I only had one course of NGPDT treatment – not the 3 they recommended. But if I need to go back for more I will be on the next plane to China. My hope is that one course will be enough to keep me well for a couple years, and by that time I’m hoping NGPDT will be available in London. In China, the worried well are having NGPDT to prevent cancer – it’s no more onerous than using a sunbed for half an hour!


Also found these links on the subject http://www.uclh.nhs.uk/OURSERVICES/SERVICEA-Z/CANCER/CANCERTREATMENTS/PDT/Pages/OtherPDTworkatUCLH.aspx
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1773165/
http://www.patient.co.uk/support/PDT-For-Cancer-Cure-Ltd.htm
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Othertreatments/Photodynamictherapy.aspx
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/photodynamic
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-help/about-cancer/treatment/other/photodynamic-therapy-pdt
http://www.killingcancer.co.uk/home.asp
http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/treatmenttypes/photodynamic-therapy

Saturday 15 June 2013

The best thread ever.........more on Herceptin

Just poped on to the BCC forum and found this totally amazing post by a woman who has secondaries and has been on Herceptin (my wonder drug) for the past 10 years.

Well here I am again, one year on, updating that I am still here and well. That's ten years since secondary diagnosis of mets to bone and liver and nine years on Herceptin as my only treatment (just had injection number 157).

I do have other exciting options on the treatment horizon too, the first being subcutaneous Herceptin. Not sure if this has appeared on the forums (not be here for a while) but in summer some time we may have the option to have our Herceptin by subcutaneous injection that the patient will be able to deliver themselves at home - or more importantly on a long holiday away somewhere!!! This will be a bit like a diabetic with an epi-pen, but bigger more like a box. Just think, it will be like slipping the leash from hospital - we will be free! 
Secondly, and this is really scary, there is the possibility of stopping Herceptin altogether. 
Some long term Herceptin patients (8 years plus) have come off the drug altogether with, so far, no re-occurrence. This is mainly in the US but there is one centre in England that has started doing the same. Obviously the risks are unknown and I shall be in the 'wait and see' category for some time to come I suspect, this is all so new and groundbreaking. There is even (dare I even write this......!) whisperings that these women may be cured. We secondary BC sufferers have always been told that we can only ever be NED and never be cured but oncologists are daring to voice such a possibility. Of course we are only talking of a small number of women (only 30 percent, or less, of breast cancers are HER2 and respond to Herceptin and of that number a possible 10 percent seem to survive long term) but I dare to dream - dream of a disease free future, for myself and all my sisters out there.


and a few posts down on the same thread came this brilliant peice of writing by another fab lady on the BCC forum (I'm posting this because it helps me keep this valuable information somewhere I can access it).

Having read some of the more recent studies about Herceptin, I think you're right in that the main value of Herceptin is now thought to be it's ability to flag up cancerous cells so that the immune system can recognise and attack them (as we all know under normal circumstances the immune system does not recognise cancer cells). It was once thought that Herceptin worked by reducing the number or receptors on the surface of the cancer cell, but research has shown this is not always the case, as cancer cells can actually coat themselves with a substance that prevents the Herceptin reducing the number of receptors.

The main problem with Herceptin though is that it doesn't work for all patients There are some studies which suggest it only works for about 40% of patients, and this is why many Her2 receptive patients go on to have Lapatanib. However, there is a new generation of Herceptin based drugs that have just been approved by the FDA in the US called Kadcyla (they are being trialled here under a Trial name). These drugs will hopefully make Herceptin work for a larger number of patients, and will overcome the ability of Her2 cancer cells to coat themselves. They work by combining Herceptin with a very potent chemotherapy drug and an another agent. The drug works by using Herceptin as a vehicle to locate and transport the chemo drug. Once located the agent releases the chemo directly into the cancer cell. So less damage to healthy cells, and fewer side effects. 
I hadn't heard of subcutaneous Herceptin, but if it can reduce the incidence of heart disease it sounds great. I do think though that Kadcyla is going to replace current Herceptin within the next couple of years, simply because it will be able to treat a greater number of patients.

Thursday 13 June 2013

Breaking News..........New drug for HER2

New drug for HER2 positive breast cancer being developed over in the states here's the link to more scientific information http://www.roche.com/media/media_releases/med-cor-2013-02-22.htm. Hopefully it will filter through to the UK at some point. xxx

Monday 10 June 2013

Important questions to ask yourself.....

Last night whilst in bed reading the wonderful book by Dr Brian Weiss http://www.brianweiss.com/ title 'Miracles Happen' which delves into past life regression therapy chronicling patients stories and Dr Brian's synopsis totally brilliant and fascinating.  I came across this paragraph in the chapter entitled 'Freedom from emotional pain' it has struck a cord within me and today I have woken up feeling different.

"We have to juggle work, relationships, and interactions with other people at every moment. We have to deal with our daily needs. And so forget that we are spiritual beings, which leads to emotional turmoil. Spiritual beings should think and behave like spiritual beings; that is our nature and ultimate destiny. But when circumstances of everyday life lead us astray and we forget our true nature, that is when sorrow, worry, and fear enter. That is when peace, joy and happiness exit.

All we have to do is remember: remember who we are and what we are, what we have been through, where we have come from, why we are here. As we do this, emotional healing will naturally follow."

It made me think and I am going to conduct a sort of experiment and see if it works, I am going to re-read this paragraph everytime I start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, as always I will keep you all informed as too my progress.

Tuesday 4 June 2013

Everybody's gotta learn sometime........

Ok so I woke up with this song in my head 'Everybody's gotta learn sometime' by The Korgis here's the lyrics

Change your heart, look around you

Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

and here's what someone said in the comments section under these lyrics I'm posting it because it spoke to me and resonates on so many levels.


THIS SONG IS **SO MUCH MORE** THAN ABOUT TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!! 

This song is about EVERYTHING!

ALL LIFE.

THE UNIVERSE.

and EVERYTHING.

ALL OF US.

Living here together on this tiny freakin planet. All packed in.

The lessons of the movie are VERY true, and we should all really be more aware of the deeper meaning of this, and when something hurts, take a step back out of yourself and look at your situation from an outside perspective, and with a little time, everything will become clear... and in the bigger picture, everything's not too bad... because we LEARN from ours, AND OTHERS mistakes.

We are all connected. All of us. Everything.

We are here to learn from each other, and grow. Learn as much as you can. We don't have much time.

We need to be good to each other, and do what makes sense, in the big picture.

I feel like some of you commenting on here just don't quite get it.... :(

but hey, Everybodys gotta learn sometime

Saturday 1 June 2013

Being buzzed by a little Bee......

During one of my many readings by my friend and spiritual healer Sandy she told me that she could see bees all over my chest she thought that perhaps I should add some royal jelly or another potent bee product to my arsenal against cancer. Prior to this I had received the product Unbeelievable Bee's Propolis http://www.unbeelievablehealth.co.uk/ I didn't order the supplement but thought I'd won it in a competition on further reflection I realise that I didn't win it and as I'd kept the packaging I checked the sender it was just my name and it didn't even have a stamp on it!!!! I believe it was divine intervention and that I was being shown signs that I must included this in my diet. Somebody somewhere is watching over me. I've run out of the product and need some more and keep receiving emails regarding this product which kind of jolts my memory, so just ordered some message received and duly sorted. Here's a link to a fantastic article on the subject and its direct link to anti-cancer, if any of you are also affected by cancer then I strongly urge you to read it and think about adding this product to your daily intake. http://www.honeycolony.com/article/honey-bees-our-latest-ally-in-the-war-on-cancer/



Monday 27 May 2013

Regression Therapy..........

Just got back from a 2 hour appointment with a lovely lady called Sue Minns writer of the excellent book 'Bodies and Soul's.' The appointment was for Regression Therapy and I will detail what happened.

Arrived feeling a little apprehensive but positive about being there initially we discussed my problem(s) which I don't feel able to share with you quite yet but can confirm that she knew about my breast cancer and the shingles after about 3 quarters of an hour discussing she then invited me to pick cards from 2 decks which showed I was indeed at a crucial point on my journey through this life I picked a card that depicted a bridge meaning transitional cross roads then I picked a card that had books on it this  was in direct relation to my creativity and I took this too mean writing after this I was asked to lie down on her couch and get comfortable I was taken through a lot of relaxation techniques and then guided by her into my own psyche and into my past lives or past of this life. I was surprised by what happened next when asked what do you see I could relay what I now know to be a village by the Ganges in India, I was an elderly lady of about 100! dressed in a midnight blue sari, my hands were withered and my bare feet were equally worn, I was surrounded by water containers and the magnificent Ganges River. The lady's name was Medina/medina/medena something of that nature and when asked what her life was like she said "hard"then I was propelled further to another significant point in Medina's life it was her death she was lying on her bed in a small mud hut construction not many people around her when asked how she felt she said "relief" and I get the impression that she was glad to go. Ironically for someone so spiritual I have never ever once wanted or felt the urge to go to India, I now know why!!!! I have been experiencing artist block and wanted to ask how I could remove the block and flow, Medina told me that all I had too do was ask for her help and she would be there that she was always there holding my hand and guiding me, she sent much love to me, by this time I was in tears running down my face but they were good tears, tears of relief. She also mentioned that creativity was like a magic spark.  By now you might of guessed that Medina is not a separate entity she is part of me, she is me in a previous lifetime I have too tell you that whilst I was experiencing the reality that was Medina's life/body all my other sense's were heightened, I could smell the river and the dusty musty smell of a hot country with hints of exotic spice and incense wafting around it was as if I was actually there, utterly remarkable, I found the whole experience both cathartic and at the same time highly emotionally charged.

So what does all this say about me and my life now I hear you ask quite simply I need to embrace myself, nurture my creativity and ASK for help or guidance, reach out to the other side, if I do this then I feel that I'm finally going in the right direction. Others that showed up were my Grandmother Ellen my old cat Minnie and a raven called Caroq. I have noticed that a very large crow/raven shows up in my back garden everyday, he sits in the tree looking directly at me at first I thought this was a bad omen but it turns out that I was a witch in a previous lifetime and that bird and cat were my familiars if your interested in this then please follow this link that explains more http://wiccanmagick69.tripod.com/id15.html. The black fluffy cat Minnie has accompanied me through lots of different lives.

Love and light to you all
Sarah xxxx

Thursday 23 May 2013

Moving, just keep moving.....

The title of this post is basically what I've been trying to do all day, moving just keep moving.....it helps....with the pain....shingles is utter shit but today I found doing some mantra shouting yoga got me out of my own hellish headspace and cleared the way for a some healing. Spent the day with my neighbours, went for 3 cups of green tea and a coffee all of which were great had some great conversations which took my mind off the shingle pain, so even though I've got this shit I managed to overcome it with some good company and moving about especially when you get shingle pain because its nerve pain. My partner has managed to gain some employment which is helping us out so much as we are still saving up to move and getting closer to it. He also has been offered an excellent job with prospects so things are finally looking up. As for me apart from the shingles I feel that emotionally I have reached a peak and am sort of understanding myself and my feelings a lot more with a little help from my friends. I'm going to see a regression therapist on Monday and hope that this might bring about some much needed guidance, looking to the past as therapy for the future. Guess thats it for now still hate the weight gain but nothing can be done about it, just have too try and accept the new me. xxxx

Monday 20 May 2013

Shingles Shit....

So now I've got Shingles and its quite bad unfortunately I thought I had been bitten by some nasty beastie but instead it turned out to be shingles and its all over my lefthand side torso and belly area, I've also woke up with a raging migraine and a stiff neck, all in all pretty fucking shit! When will this ever end!!! honestly I wonder, I juice organic green veg juice daily and drink about a pint of the stuff, then I take about 20 different supplements and I thought this was making my immune system stronger how wrong can you be! Apparently my immune system is on its arse!! Sometimes I wonder why I'm bothering with all this health stuff, why I don't just let nature take its course. Feel depressed and pissed off so went to the shop and bought a load of sweets including chocolate and biscuits also a loaf of white bread all the naughty stuff that I've given up thinking it would do me good. So I say two fingers up to that and bring on the yummy junk food, at least for now, I'm in desperate need of cheering up. x
p.s. apparently shingles can make you depressed oh the joy!!!

Friday 17 May 2013

Sunshine, shopping and a walk.....

When the sun shines it changes every thing and lifts my soul. Today the sun did shine and I enjoyed a days shopping in Totnes followed by a decaf latte at my favourite garden centre topped off with a 2 hour walk, I struggled a bit got out of breath and was feeling a bit weak half way through which I take to mean fatigue but walked through it and got home to a camera full of inspiration (I take a lot of photos). Luckily I had my partner with me (I've been having some nasty falls) just in case I took a tumble my GP reckons its the beta blocker Atenalol that I'm taking for migraines he said my blood pressure might be dropping too much and this is causing a very quick and temporary black out!!! hence the reason why I've had 3 falls in 2 weeks!!! I really hurt myself last time and I was with a 70 year old!!! It was sort of amusing bit like the blind leading the blind but still a bit frightening especially as it was on a cliff path. I don't want to stop taking the Atenalol as it appears to be working and I haven't had a full on migraine now for the best part of 2 weeks which is a small miracle for me.

Next week is an appointment free week (don't get many of those) so I'm planning on doing some painting, it really is beautiful down here at the moment all the flowers are in bloom and the leaves are out on the trees, May and June are by far my favourite months in nature. All the colours are ultra bright and I feel super sensitive to all that nature is offering.

Love and light to all xxx

Sunday 12 May 2013

Osho wisdom with words.....

This paragraph from the Osho Zen Tarot pack resonates with me on so many levels the card I pulled was the New Vision Card  " Now you are presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colors to penetrate us, we become more integrated." 
This has so much meaning and purpose for me and puts into words so eloquently what it is to fight cancer (the darkness) and survive (the light).
Here's a link to the online version of this wonderful Tarot card pack.
http://www.osho.com/Main.cfm?Area=Magazine&Sub1Menu=Tarot&Sub2Menu=OshoZenTarot&Language=English

Saturday 11 May 2013

Discovery Helps Show How Breast Cancer Spreads

Article about a new discovery, ground breaking news Discovery Helps Show How Breast Cancer Spreads

Interesting Lymphedema approach....

Just a quickie to post a link to Polly Noble's page on how she cured her Lymphedema I also suffer with this most annoying of ailments caused by having my lymph nodes removed from my mastectomy site and under my arm its supposed to be an incurable condition and its sometimes painful here's the link to what she did to cure herself by the way I do practice nearly all of the things on her list anyway except for the coffee enema which I have been thinking of trying.
http://pollynoble.com/2013/02/the-10-things-i-did-to-heal-my-lymphedema/

Friday 10 May 2013

Regression Therapy.....Counselling.......

Anyone who reads this blog frequently knows I'm a spiritual soul and a bit of a hippie at heart, I am presently reading a couple of books on the alternative Regression Therapy, from what I understand regression therapy is a kind of hypnosis taking you back to previous lives to see how those lives are affecting us in the here and now. The books I am reading are Dr Brian Weiss ' Miracles do Happen' and Sue Minns 'Bodies and Souls' the later of the two is fantastic especially if your not familiar with the spiritual side of things, she explains everything in a comprehensive easy to understand way, it makes sense to me. Luckily for me Sue lives and works from both Totnes down here in Devon and London, I've emailed her to enquire about being regressed and am pondering whether or not to go and see her, the main problem is money but she has offered to do my session at a reduced price which is very kind of her, don't get me wrong I'm not questioning how much she charges its just that I'm skint and money is an ongoing problem for me.

Plenty of people have said "why don't you go to the macmillan centre and get some free counselling?" reason why I can't go there is because one of the counsellors is my neighbour who incidentally lost her sister to breast cancer when I was initially dx, it feels really awkward with her and I accept is an unusual situation but I can't go to the macmillan centre because of this also her partner is her boss and another of the macmillan counsellors and although I don't know him I don't want to open up to him I'm sure they would discuss things. I could pay privately for counselling and have been recommended to people but again its very expensive. I feel the need of some help and I need to talk, it would seem now is the time for it. Regression therapy is very appealing to me as I see it as a kind of counselling as well as possibly getting to the bottom of some difficult questions with possible answers or  at the very least some help.

I think I am going to give Regression Therapy a go or at least do one session see whether it suits me or not, what the hell I've got nothing to loose, I will as always keep you informed of my progress with this and any other alternative/complementary therapies I might try.

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Back for a bit....

Hello all,
Well I'm back from the terrifically sunny and absolutely gorgeous Newquay it was truly great just too get away although I did miss the cats terribly. Plenty of walks and talks with my friend sandy we also managed to visit the Japanese Garden just outside of Newquay which is magical especially at this time of year, I took a heap load of photo's and ate far too much but what the hell I figured I deserved a break. Taught my friend Sandy to paint with Acrylics which pleased her and me enormously also did a couple of paintings myself. My partner Lee got on and has started the conversion so we will be going back over in a fortnights time for another week and so it goes on until its finished.

MRI results came through whilst I was away in Newquay and the doc's say I'm cancer free on the brain   so big massive sigh of relief and something to celebrate for a change. Hospital appointments are sort of dying down I've got a routine heart scan on the 31st of May and a lymph nurse appointment other than that I don't have to go to the dreaded oncology department for 3 months!!! first time in 2 years, so hallelujah to that. Although I have a slight nagging fear going on in the back of my head which is only alleviated by having regular scans, the doc's said I'd been stable for long enough for them to give my body a radiation scan break.

Other news is I'm still steadily putting on the bloody weight very annoying, this has been getting too me I try not to let it piss me off but I've spent my whole life as a skinny size 8 and now I'm trying on clothes that are a fucking size 16!!!! bloody tamoxifen!!!! When I say gets to me I mean I get really depressed and dive into the fridge I figure I may as well go with it even when I'm just having juice and nothing else I put on weight I may as well eat what the hell I like and be done with it. The worst part is not being able to fit into any of my clothes also I've taken all the mirrors down I can't stand looking at myself anymore because the person staring back at me quite simply is not the Sarah I knew before all of this shit started, its so depressing, god knows what my boyfriend thinks!

Hope you are all doing well and sending everyone some love and light
Sarah xxx

Saturday 27 April 2013

Newquay and a new life.....

Apologies for not posting recently but after Fran's passing I just couldn't face anything to do with breast  cancer and dipped off the scene for a while.

MRI still no conclusive results and I've phoned them still no answers as soon as I have the results I will post and hopefully start the process of changing hospitals to Taunton.

My partner who has been out of work for quite some time has finally landed a nice big fat job its over in Newquay a private holiday home, converting a garage into a bedroom and adding an extra utility room on, so finally after this job is finished we should be in a position financially to move yay!!! Some of you might be thinking "why does she want to leave the gorgeous South Devon coastline?" in answer to that its because seriously there is no opportunity down here, no jobs or prospects we live a hand to mouth existence and I've lived this way for a very long time (9 years!!), also I want to be nearer my friends and family who at present are 100 miles away up near Bristol its not that far away but its far enough to only go up every couple of months especially when you have no spare cash, so as much as I know its going to be a wrench to move and I'm sure I will feel torn in two over it I think ultimately it will be better for both of us. Lee will have more work and I'm thinking of returning to college for a year to do teacher training something I don't think we would be able to afford to do down here, so its all change for me, but its good and positive. The job over in Newquay will take around 3 months to complete and we will be operating between the two places over the summer, this I am looking forward to as I can have a nice change of scenery and do some more painting, lets hope its a hot and sunny summer.

The downside of all of this is that I don't think I will be posting as often or frequently as I have been, so please don't think the worst if I don't post for a while.

Wednesday 17 April 2013

Another light on in heaven....

This is the fourth woman whom I was following and had a few online conversations with who I've just found out passed away last Monday. I hate this fucking disease, it just keeps getting harder and harder. First it was Ellie, then Lisa, closely followed by Laurie and now Fran all were way too young to die, all of them tried everything they could and unfortunately all have now passed away. I kept checking Frans blog site http://francescap79.tumblr.com/page/2 and couldn't help but think the worst when she hadn't posted for such a long time. Me and Fran shared the same in that we both had lung mets, this has really knocked me for six, such terrible news RIP Fran, god bless you.

The great soy v ER+ breast cancer debate......

I've finally found an article relating directly to the great soy v breast cancer debate. Whenever you bring this subject up on the BCC forum you always seem to get a heated debate, I for one certainly don't care for heated debates on this particular subject I also don't care for arguments on whether or not tamoxifen causes weight gain. Back to the original point I've found an article which has a little more in the way of proof that soy v breast cancer especially ER+ variety has no links in so far as they have found eating soy whilst having ER+ breast cancer doesn't necessarily mean your going to either have a reoccurrence or that you are promoting possible spread.  I do eat some soy occasionally and personally I don't believe it does contribute to spread or reoccurrence, everything in moderation. So here it is http://www.todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/040113p30.shtml.

Monday 15 April 2013

Estrogen madness and migraines.....

I spoke too soon, the dreaded migraines are back.... what a bummer!
I'm still taking the beta blockers and I've increased the dosage but I still suffered with an almighty migraine yesterday and spent the whole day in bed on a concoction of drugs including and starting with Paracetamol that didn't touch it so I tried 2 Co Codamol, they took the edge off of it but only for about an hour so after 3 hours I decided to take a Sumatriptan this finally got rid of it. I am trying not to take the Sumatriptan as it can cause more headaches the more you take it, a kind of catch 22 effect. Anyway feel ok today albeit a bit frazzled around the edges but at least I can get out of bed and get on with living.



I came across this on face book and found it interesting when I went through the list I realised I had and continue to have a lot of the symptoms listed, wish I'd found this before I got cancer it may have given me an indication of what was wrong with me. I used to suffer with migraines before I got cancer and whilst going through chemo etc the headaches stopped but they seem to be creeping back and unfortunately they are worse than pre cancer migraines. I wake up with them and feel instantly sick sometimes I am actually physically sick.